Musings of a Sofa

A Crackfic

By Advocaat

I am a sofa. Now that we've got that out of the way, I will tell you that I have occupied this beach house for a very, very long time. I've cushioned the bums of some of the world's most powerful men–Fire Lord Azulon, Prince Iroh, Prince Ozai; I've dutifully acted as a buffer between their hindquarters and the less noble floor for as long as I have existed on this earth.

So you can understand why I would feel a trifle miffed when suddenly my cushions are being torn off me and hurled back and forth across the room by a clutch of mad hoodlums. Never have I been witness to such unbridled chaos as wrought by these children; not even when little Princess Azula spat up on my good friend, the loveseat, so many years ago. They just barge right in and lay waste to everything in their path. I cannot but sit here in my dignity as they run about the place, terrorizing my fellow furniture. I can merely look on as they tear through the house, each trying to claim the best rooms, best beds, best bathrooms.

A grubby foot, the most filthy I've ever felt, stomps one of my cushions into the dusty hardwood as its owner, a young, dark-haired girl, marches toward the kitchen. "This place got any grub?" she calls out, but to whom, I am not certain. I fear for the kitchenware.

It is not long before I learn the identities–and the posteriors–of these ungovernable rogues. They are the Avatar's group, and Prince Zuko is the one who has brought them here.

I always liked Prince Zuko. He was such a well-behaved child. He and Princess Ursa would sit upon me and read stories together when the heat became too great to play outside. As a sofa, it is not my place to judge my master's guests, but I do wonder how in the mortal realm such a well-to-do boy took up with such slovenly raff.

To be fair, it is really only the young girl with the black feet and the dark-skinned boy who engage in such distasteful behavior, but the two of them more than make up for their comrades.

I am subject to all manner of mistreatment during the course of their stay. The dark-skinned boy lies backward atop me, defiling my pristine armrests with his rank–although admittedly not quite as rank as the young earthbender's–feet; the Avatar sprawls convex over my back with his head on my seat; the lemur hides half-eaten bugs and berries under my belly; the earthbender tracks dirt over my handsome burgundy cushions. The short-haired, sweet-faced girl partakes in less than savory activities with the dark-skinned boy upon my springy surface–although they do have the decency to lay a blanket down first. Really, the only two who use me properly are Prince Zuko and the waterbending girl.

I have noticed that Prince Zuko and the waterbender often sit together, and they always pick me to sit upon. I am glad for this, as it keeps the other four off me during those times when they all inhabit the living room together. When the others aren't there, they just sit quietly together. Sometimes they talk about the Avatar's training, every so often they'll share stories from their pasts–many of Prince Zuko's I was witness to myself–, but mostly they just lounge in silence. I imagine they too require a reprieve from the... energy of their friends.

The day the dark-skinned boy discovers the liquor cabinet, a shudder runs through the whole house. We fear what is in store for us.

Luckily, their drunken antics take place mostly outside, however they carry on long into the night. When the group finally begins to trickle in, the poor loveseat is run into no less than seven times. Four of which the dark-skinned boy can be held accountable for.

I hear the groans of the beds upstairs and think that all of them have settled in for the night. I was mistaken.

I am enjoying a relaxing moment of peace with the loveseat when a loud giggle comes from the direction of the door. An equally loud Shhh follows it, accompanied by more giggles. Then Prince Zuko and the waterbender are staggering into the room, holding on to each other and shhh-ing each other and giggling like a couple of hyena-dogs.

They stumble around the place, bumping into things and whirling around in sloppy circles. I soon realize that they are attempting to dance, although they've removed all measures of grace from the activity. Never in all of my days have I seen something so whimsical from a male of the royal family. Prince Lu Ten came close with his hooligan tendencies, and perhaps if he'd had a lady friend his antics might have come to this, but I never expected it from Prince Zuko.

They continue to twirl and giggle, nearly displacing a lamp. I send my silent condolence to the poor abused loveseat. Luckily, in all their uncoordinated rollicking they manage to avoid my friend. Instead, they head straight for me. Prince Zuko attempts to dip the waterbender, but he is clumsy in his inebriation and ends up dropping her upon me. She squeals and he is pulled down after her. I feel a shift in weight and he is stroking her face, gazing down at her with a tender expression as he settles his weight more fully over her.

I know where this is going.

Prince Zuko whispers words of adoration and longing that have the waterbender pulling his face down to hers. Their lips come together in an eager mesh of lust and sentiment, and when they part, Prince Zuko lays his forehead against hers and they breathe together, the rapid expansion and contraction of their chests pressing against my seat. They make hushed promises to each other. Promises that they will win the war and come back alive and well; that they will never leave each other's side. Right as the girl falls asleep, Prince Zuko whispers that he would die for her.

As an inanimate object, I have heard many confessions not meant for prying ears, but none spoken so resolutely as this one. It is not my place to want or hope, but I will that it never comes to that.

Prince Zuko tumbles off me at some point in the night, and the next morning when they wake, they vocally wonder how it was that they came to be here. They shrug it off with laughter that makes them hold their heads and wince, and after several hours of rest, they return to training the Avatar the same as any other day. They are none the wiser to their midnight engagement. The dark-skinned boy continues to prop his feet on my armrests, the earthbender continues to track dirt onto my cushions, the Avatar continues to bend over my back like a limp fire gummy, the lemur continues to stash paraphernalia under my belly, and the sweet-faced girl continues to partake in less than savory activities with the dark-skinned boy upon my springy surface.

The next time Prince Zuko and the waterbender sit together, an odd look crosses Prince Zuko's face and he begins to ask, "Did we...?" but then he breaks off and shakes his head, uttering a quick "never mind."

When they finally leave, the house lets out a sigh of relief. At last, we can return to our undisturbed state of existence. I do wonder, though, if upon Prince Zuko's next visit the waterbender will be along as well.


I was sitting at work wondering what to do with myself (because let's face it, actually working wasn't going to happen), and I came up with this. I hope you enjoyed your unadulterated crack.