"Kakuzu-kun is in good hands, ne?" Kisame said, and Pein nodded. Everyone went back inside the Akatsuki headquarters, there were missions to be discussed and accomplished.
Half an hour later, Tobi reappeared behind some bushes, with a comfortably tucked in Kakuzu in the baby sling. "We've reached Konoha's gate, Kaku-chan. Nobody's going to mess around with an old lady and her dear baby grandson. Let's go!" And he started to shuffle like a real elderly lady, wearing a warm smile and humming a traditional song.
"Good morning, obaa-chan." One of the gatekeepers greeted Tobi. "Need some help? You're carrying quite a big weight..." He said, chuckling and approaching. "My Kami, what a whopper, have you seen that, Izumo?" His partner shook his head, rolling eyes.
"Not too loud, baka, you're going to wake the poor baby up..." And he turned to the lady. "Pardon Kotetsu, obaa-chan. Cute kid, by the way."
"Arigatou! My grandson's got his mommy's traits, that's why he's so big and strong!" Tobi giggled, looking at Kakuzu.
Meanwhile, in the Akatsuki headquarters, Hidan sneezes something fierce, startling Deidara. "AH-CHOO! Fuck!"
"We're near the hospital, little Kaku-chaaan..." Tobi shuffled to the door, but had to stop: Kakuzu stirred a little and woke up, scrunching up his face and squirming.
"I'm hungry! Let me out!" And he fidgeted, shoving a whole chubby hand into his mouth. "Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehh!"
"Don't be like that, baby! Uncle To... I mean, obaa-chan's going to give you a bottle!" Tobi sat on a little wooden bench and started feeding the baby. He startled when someone called him hurriedly.
"Excuse me, lady!" A man ran towards them holding what seemed to be a tiny mitten.
"Oh, no... Did Tobi do something wrong?" Tobi thought, holding Kakuzu protectively while feeding him.
Kakuzu was oblivious to everything around him, all he wanted was his meal. The young man approached them with a genuine smile.
"Good morning, obaa-chan! Um, is this yours?" And he handed Tobi the woolen mitten. "I think it fell from your baby's hand."
"Aww, thank you, dearie! I stopped for a while to feed my little grandson before taking him to the hospital..." Tobi observed the features on that man that looked like a teacher. Black hair kept in a ponytail, a scar on the bridge of his nose... He was Iruka Umino. The sensei couldn't help but gaze upon baby Kakuzu with endearment.
"What an adorable baby... Sorry for asking, but what happened to his face?" Tobi tried to be as serious as possible while putting Kakuzu on his shoulder and burping him.
"His evil parents hurt my precious Kakuo, so, um, I took him from them and sent those maniacs to jail... Nobody will hurt poor little Kaku-chan again..." The baby looked curiously at Iruka, who gave him a reassuring smile and tickled his double chin. Instinctively, Kakuzu giggled and reached out his arms towards the young teacher.
"Aww, Kakuo-kun's such a friendly little fellow... Can I hold him?" Tobi tried to hide the expression of uncertainty while handing the baby to Iruka. "You're really a cute baby, aren't you?" He said, while bouncing Kakuzu and grinning.
"I'm not cute..." The green-eyed baby was a little bit shy. But he ended up laughing and snorting cutely anyway, happy for having some attention. "Ehe... Ga-ga-ga..."
Kakuzu looked at the big scar on Iruka's nose with concern, and that's what Tobi really feared. The good boy saw the tip of a very thin, silky tendril coming out of the baby's sleeve: he had to think fast. "Sorry, Kaku-chan, this will hurt me more than it hurts you..." Tobi thought, before pinching Kakuzu hard on his chubby hand, which fortunately was on Iruka's back, so the young teacher couldn't see the quick action. Immediately the baby winced and startled, dropping the pacifier from his mouth and looking at his own hand with teary eyes. His lip started to quiver, until he bawled uncontrollably.
"W-What was that? I... I'm..." "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! Waah! Waaaah!" Iruka tried to soothe the pitiful baby as he rocked him gently.
"What happened, little one? Don't cry..." He kissed his forehead and handed the baby to Tobi. "You said you were taking him to the hospital, is he sick?"
"Oh, no, no, it's fine, he's got to get his vaccination shots... As soon as Kaku-chan stops crying I'll take him there, I just don't want the baby making noise in the waiting room..." Tobi said, putting Kakuzu back in the sling. The stitched baby stopped screeching, but kept whimpering softly.
"I understand... Thank goodness he's got good lungs!" Iruka smiled. "I'll have to go now, obaa-chan, take care." Still smiling, he poked Kakuzu's nose before going away. "You too, Kakuo-kun." Needless to say, Kakuzu quieted down. That light poke on his nose seemed to be quite familiar...
"Where's Hidan?" Kakuzu thought, with teary eyes. And, once again, in the Akatsuki lair, Hidan let out a loud sneeze.
"AH-CHOO! What the fuck? That little asshole must have passed his cold to me..." Sasori entered the room holding a curious book.
"Has anyone seen the baby's book Tobi is making for Kakuzu?" Deidara and Konan gazed at each other and laughed. Hidan joined the laughing duo.
"I can imagine a page titled 'The day baby's got bald', un..." Kisame burst out laughing at the blonde bomber's joke and Itachi smirked at him. Sasori rolled his eyes and glanced at the book.
"It's kind of cute, in fact." Sasori kept reading and turned to Hidan. "Apparently, the baby doesn't like when you yell, Hidan." The silver-haired man stopped laughing at once and scowled.
"Tch! It's not my fucking fault if he's a crybaby... What if I'm a loud person? He knows me!" Deidara smirked at Hidan.
"I have to agree with Tobi, Hidan... I mean, your shouting is unbearable sometimes, un!" Pein took a glance at the book and made a curious observation:
"Tobi says here that Kakuzu is about four-months old. In my honest opinion, he's already a six-month baby, he's always trying to sit up by himself, to crawl..."
"Yeah, and he's kind of big... and heavy! That porker's going to need a high chair soon!" Zetsu said, chuckling. Konan sighed and rested her head on her hand.
"That's a lovely idea, Zetsu. Kakuchu's so sweet, I already miss snuggling him... Never thought it was so nice to have a cute little baby around here..."
"You say that because you don't have the 'cute little Kakuchu' sleeping in the same fucking room as you, Konan-chan." Hidan trotted out his sarcasm, rolling eyes. "That rascal's always demanding attention."
"That's no problem at all, Hidan, he can sleep in our room if he bothers you so much." Itachi said, calmly. The Jashinist quickly replied.
"Oi, oi, I never said he bothered me... But Kakuzu's quite a handful most of the time, that oversensitive little fucker hates being scolded."
"Babies cry, Hidan, what can we say? And we know that, deep down, you do like 'Kakuzu-chan'..." Kisame laughed, nudging a fuming Hidan.
Tobi and Kakuzu were already in the hospital's waiting room, along with a couple of ladies that entered the room right after him, all of them with their respective kids. Everyone cooed at the stitched baby, who shyly looked away, blushing and pouting. Tobi was getting a little bit tired of telling the same silly story about the baby's scars, while Kakuzu was lying on the good boy's lap, snuggling his blanket and sucking his pacifier.
"Aww, what a sweet thing, look at those big eyes!" Said a nice young mother holding her own baby with one hand and caressing Kakuzu with the other. "How do you manage to get him so quiet, obaa-chan?"
"Kaku-chan's already a good boy, like To... tou-san!" Tobi giggled and cuddled Kakuzu lovingly, he was still remorseful for having pinched the baby's hand. "Obaa-chan is so proud of you, little baby!" Kakuzu sneezed.
"What are we doing here, Tobi? Where are all those people from?" Soon everyone was greeted by a smiling girl with pink hair and bright green eyes.
"Good morning, ladies, I'll be with you in a minute." Tobi waited patiently for their turn, holding the baby securely and talking to the ladies. Kakuzu wasn't too happy, he was still feeling sick and started to sniffle pitifully.
"I've g-got a headache, Tobi... Let's get h-home..." Kakuzu's hiccupping sobs filled the room.
"My little baby needs his vaccine shots, the poor thing's caught a cold!" He said, worried, and the lady by his side gave him a concerned look.
"Don't worry, Sakura's a very good medical-nin, she took lessons with Tsunade-sama. Oh, there she comes!" The good boy's disguised face lit up when he saw the young girl entering the room again.
"All right, who's first?" All the ladies pointed at Tobi, that was holding a squirming Kakuzu. "Oh! Follow me, obaa-chan!" Tobi respectfully bowed to the women and followed Sakura to a room.
"Um, Sakura-sama, my Kaku-chan's in terrible pain..." Said Tobi, handing her a false document about the baby. "Please help To... Please help me!"
Sakura nodded, while reading the document. "Kakuo, four months... Did Kakuo-kun get any shots before, obaa-chan?"
"N-No, is he going to die? IS HE?" Apparently, Tobi couldn't disguise his drama. The medic-nin giggled, taking the whimpering baby from his arms and placing him on a table.
"Of course not... I'm just making sure the baby's going to get all the immunization shots, too." She started unbuttoning the baby's clothes and left Kakuzu in his diaper."You little cutie... How did you get those stitches?" Tobi didn't want to make up stories anymore, so he proceeded to change subject while Sakura made the routine check-up.
"Sakura-sama, how many shots is Kaku-chan going to have?"
"Four... Can you distract him a little while I'll get the syringes ready, obaa-chan?"
"Hai! Look here, little Kaku-chan, obaa-chan brought your rattle! Pretty-pretty-pretty rattle, baby!" And he smacked himself with the toy, grabbing Kakuzu's attention and making him giggle. "Ouch! Owie! Itai! Oooh, is that a laugh? Is that?" Sakura laughed lightly at Tobi's odd way to distract the baby.
"Aww, Kakuo-kun's got dimples..." She said, while applying antiseptic on the baby's chubby thighs with a cotton ball. "Okay, obaa-chan, now I want you to hold his legs still."
Tobi gulped and whimpered a little when he saw Kakuzu's face after he received the first jab on the fatty part of his thigh: his smile was replaced by a confused expression, followed by sniffles and teary eyes.
"What the...?" Kakuzu didn't take too long to turn on the waterworks. "Mmmmmh... Mmmh... Mmmmmmmmwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Oh, no, no, little Kaku-chan, it was only a sting... I hope... Don't cry..." Tobi gave the pacifier to the baby, while Sakura put a cute sticking plaster on the vaccine spot and rubbed Kakuzu's round belly to soothe him.
"You're a brave little guy, Kakuo-kun. Only three more to go." At the end of the third shot, Kakuzu came out a real screamer. The pain kind of reminded him of the torture he had to endure long ago, before escaping prison, bad memories that haunted him once again.
"Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WAAH, WAAH, WAAAAAAAAAH!" The baby wailed more uncontrollably, tears rolling down incessantly from his plump, sad face. Tobi was devastated, but he didn't want to show it. All he could do is giving a bottle of water to Kakuzu, his throat was sore from all the crying.
"There. All done, baby!" Sakura put the fourth sticking plaster on Kakuzu's thigh, waited for him to finish drinking and dressed him up. "I'm really sorry, sweety, but you don't want to get sick and worry your obaa-chan, do you?" Sakura picked the crying stitched baby up and rubbed his back, sending some healing chakra into his body and calming him down.
"Thank you, Sakura-sama, for everything!" Tobi was happy to see Kakuzu gradually ceasing the crying and finally falling asleep. After the warm and thankful goodbyes to the young medical-nin and the ladies in the waiting room, he headed to an inn, with Kakuzu sleeping in his arms. Tobi hoped the baby wasn't traumatized.
Already in the rented room, Tobi placed the snoring infant on the bed, undid the disguising jutsu (he was back to his masked self) and sat on the edge of the bed, so he could change Kakuzu's diaper. "Tobi's going to try not to wake you up, Kaku-chan.", he whispered. When he was successfully taping up the fresh diaper, a deep voice called him.
"Tobi!" It was Pein, using the telepathy jutsu along with the rest of the Akatsuki.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Tobi screamed and fell from the bed, waking Kakuzu up; the baby stirred a little and started whimpering. "Leader-sama?"
"How's Kakuzu? I can hear him crying. Is he feeling better?" Tobi nodded vigorously, while dressing up Kakuzu, in the hopes of getting him warm and quiet.
"Oh, yes, sir! Kaku-chan's got the vaccination shots and... he cried a lot!"
"Heh-heh, so the little miser is fucking afraid of needles?" Hidan butted in, teasing as always.
"Hai! He's got four shots, they must have hurt him a lot, Hidan-san, he screamed as if he was being tortured!" Tobi's voice cracked comically.
"My poor little Kakuchu... Try to get him distracted, Tobi, it's heartbreaking to see him cry." Konan was worried about the baby, although she knew he really needed the shots.
"Don't worry, Konan-san!" The good boy gazed upon Kakuzu, who was sniffling and sucking a thumb. "Kaku-chan stopped crying now because he's too busy staring at Tobi, heehee..."
"Aww, maybe Kakuzu-kun's wondering who you're talking to..." Kisame stated, with a laugh. "He's going to be okay."
"Tobi, take good care of Kakuzu, or I swear I'm not going to be patient again, un!" Deidara's voice tone kind of scared Tobi.
"D-Don't worry, senpai! Kaku-chan's just a little bit... impressed by the events! We're just resting for a while, soon we'll be home! Please don't blast Tobi!"
"Always check his diaper, Tobi, and talk to him, babies need attention all the time.", said Itachi.
"Who's a cute, little Kakukins? Who's Uncle Zetsu's roly-poly? Don't be stupid, Shiro, he can't hear you!" Zetsu was oblivious to everyone laughing at the nickname 'Kakukins'.
Sasori tried to cheer the good boy up. "By the way, Tobi, nice work on the baby's book. Maybe we should put some photos..."
"Ooh, that would be lovely, Sasori-saaaan!" Tobi chirped, bouncing Kakuzu on his knees and making him give a hiccupping, snorting giggle. Hidan chuckled.
"Tch! Those snorts are funny as shit." And the silver-haired man said, in a half-stern tone: "Oi, Tobi, if you want him to fall asleep quickly, give him that stupid blanket and pat him on the back. It fucking works."
"Awww, mommy knows best, un..." The blonde bomber laughed, amused by Hidan's concern.
"Shut the fuck up, Blondie!" The albino snapped, with clenched teeth.
"Bye, everyone!" Tobi gazed upon Kakuzu, while bottlefeeding him. "Everyone asked about you, Kaku-chan! Even mommy!" After the baby finished his bottle, the good boy burped him and placed him on the bed, in a sitting position, supported by some pillows. "Uncle Tobi won't let you have tummy time because your legs are still kind of sore..." He couldn't help but notice, while giving the blanket and the pacifier to the baby, that Kakuzu's hair was starting to slightly grow in. "Oh, my Kami, Kaku-chan!" Kakuzu looked confused, and Tobi cried funny anime tears from the hole on his orange mask. "Uncle Tobi is so happy!"
"Eh? Why are you crying? I... I..." And, like the baby he was, Kakuzu started to cry from seeing Tobi crying. "Mmmmmmmhhhhhbwaaaaaaaaah..." The good boy stopped crying immediately and held Kakuzu in front of a mirror on the wall.
"Look, Kaku-chan, look at the funny baby!" Kakuzu ceased the whimpering and started to giggle at his own mirror image once again. "Ooh, he's so funny! Where did his hair go? Heeheehee! Look at that big, big belly, Kaku-chaaan!"
"This is too much! So funny!" Kakuzu laughed cutely, forgetting what he was crying about and flailing his arms in joy. Tobi gave a sigh of relief, while holding and bouncing the squealing baby.
"So far, so good..." Both passed through too much stress, therefore both should get a good rest before going back home.