This is my first ever fanfic so please be nice :) It's beta'd by TheName'sBob.

This is basically a one-shot about what Bilbo is thinking when the dwarves sing the song about the plates and knives.

P.S I don't know if anyone has written something like this and if you have sorry please forgive me

P.P.S I don't own anything :( (not fair)

I'm so confused as to why there are 12 dwarfs and a wizard in my house. I don't know what to say - it's not normal. It must be Gandalf that brought them here, though he's just walking about as if everything is normal. I should definitely talk to him about this. You know what? I'm going to talk to him right now!

"What's the matter Bilbo?" asked the wizard, as I approached.

"What's the matter? I'm surrounded by dwarves! What are they doing here?" I spluttered.

"Their rather merry, don't you thinkā€¦? Once you get used to them, of course."

"But I don't want to get used to them! Look at the state of my house! It's ruined -especially the bathroom. Trust me; you don't want to know what they've done in there. What are they doing in here?" I questioned.

"Excuse me," one of the dwarves comes up to me. Nori? No. Dori? No. Ori? Yes, I think it's Ori."Mr Baggins, what should I do with my plate?" Well at least he's polite.

"Here Ori, give it to me."

Suddenly, another one of the dwarves, Fili, I think his name is, grabs the plate from Ori and throws it to his brother. Doesn't he know how old those plates are?

"Excuse me!" I shout while having to duck under a plate (great, now Fili's got all the other dwarves throwing my plates around the house too!)"Those are my mother's plates and are more than 100 years old!

Next, I hear the sound of cutlery. I turn to see some of the other dwarves banging my knives and forks against the table.

"Can you not do that? You'll blunt them!" I cried.

"Did you hear that, lads?" said Bofur (the one with the funny hat)."He said we'll blunt the knives!"

Blunt the knives, bend the forks
Smash the bottles and burn the corks
Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

What a cheek they have, singing about my mother's plates like that! It's just plain rude. I keep trying to stop them but they're not paying the slightest bit of attention to me.

Cut the cloth trail the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Pour the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door
Dump the crocks in a boiling bawl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
and when you've finished, if they are whole
Send them down the hall to roll

Why are they singing this? I hope that they won't do all of this to my house; it's in a bad enough state as it is.

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Alright, I've had enough of this! I'm going to tell them to leave!

But before I could, there was another knock at the door and the room went silent immediately.

"He's here," said Gandalf

Who could it be now?


I hope you liked it and if you can give me any tips about writing, please tell me.

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