Author's note: I'm becoming obsessed with the relationships chez Fëanor&Sons… This time, it is Maedhros' turn. Of his father, of course. I'm trying very hard to understand the love yet distance between Fëanor and his sons…
This is bizarre. Warning warning. Why does every character who shows up in my head always have to be slightly insane? Or is it just me twisting them into insanity?
'Au nom du Père' is as in 'Au nom du père, du fils et du Saint-Esprit' which is what the French people say for 'Pater, Filius et Spiritus Sanctus'. The translation in English would be 'In the name of the Father'
Disclaimer: I own neither the characters, nor the settings, they all are the property of the Professor Tolkien, to whom I'm eternally grateful for creating such a wonderful word with so many possibilities left open…
Au nom du Père
By Le Chat Noir
'Father?'The dark-haired elf looked up from his desk, blinking in surprise at the young boy standing at the door with a guilty look on his face.
'Findekano asked if I can go out riding with him.'
He blinked again, with the expression of someone thinking hard.
I could see it on your face Father I could see it on your face you were going to ask me who is Findekano remember Father Findekano Nolofinwë's son your brother's son you know Nolofinwë he married Anairë not so long ago they had a child remember he's my cousin well half-cousin he's got dark hair and he's smart for his age and he's my best friend remember Father he was the little kid who came visiting at our home last month you even showed him your latest works that beautiful necklace with an emerald pendant you told him with a wink it was for Nerdanel a surprise you said a surprise for her birthday and you said not to say and word and he promised Father remember Findekàno he even said he thought of course the emerald would suit her hair and then you smiled I always loved it when you smiled so genuine Father you were never a second thought you always smiled like that like a child what a beautiful smile it was and Mother said that it was when you first smiled at her that she fell in love and she could always make you smile Father
The boy lowered his eyes and bit his lower lip. Suddenly, the older elf's black eyes widened in a look of absolute panic.
The boy looked up, opened his mouth to say something, then decided against it, and retreated into the corridor, where he began running blindly without even closing the door behind him.
The dark-haired elf was left alone in the study, and, silently, whispered to the open door:
'You can always go with him.'
I never could look you in the eyes Father not in those times and yet they say my eyes are just like yours just as dark and just as piercing I do not know Father when I looked into your eyes there were always darkness and darkness and so much pain Father I did not know what pain meant yet I'm sorry Father maybe I did not understand do I really have those eyes now I'll have to look in a mirror and yet yes I remember now there are no mirrors here no mirrors I have forgotten why oh but the pain was there because you loved us Father I know you did aha I've found you out didn't I I've found you out you did love us and yet you could not say you could not tell how could you have for there were you and then there was the world and there was the world and then there were you outside the world you walked in it you slept in it you lived in it but you were never really there two wholly different things Father you and the world you lived in it and you observed and you were a lover of the world without ever understanding how it went this is why Father this is why you were a scholar a lore-student because you sought to understand and yet you never could you were no creature of the world you were no elf sometimes I think Father you were a God trapped inside the body of a mortal well an immortal really but a tangible body still you were a child yes a child because only a child can smile like you could
The two elves, the father and the child, laid side by side on their stomach on the fresh lawn, both intently staring at the yellow butterfly that held its wings still at the top of a strand of grass.
Slowly, the father shifted to rest his weight on an elbow and extended a hand, very, very gently, towards the brightly coloured insect.
Children both you and I children understanding each other and fearing fearing yet both so timid so shy we only smiled to each other and laughed together we could never talk no we needed not to talk I needed only be with you and walk at your side and you I believe too you tried yet you tried you talked to me of things you loved things you studied and you found interesting you talked to me of smithery and jewelcraft and you spoke of philosophy and lore and linguistic I do not remember what did you like to talk about already oh yes you often talked of architecture architecture I ask you really I was three years old Father and yet I listened I listened to the sound of your voice I liked that sound beautiful and clear unique like everything about you and the twinkle in your eyes when you made jokes I could not understand but yet I laughed and you laughed with me and then you were silent Father and I was silent with you I did not know Father I did not know then I did not look hard enough into your eyes and maybe then I would have seen the fire the fire consummating you every day every day slowly gnawing at your core but you smiled still and when you smiled I forgot everything even your silence and my fear
Confidently, the butterfly fluttered to the tip of his finger.
'Do not move.' He breathed those words silently, not daring to make a sound, but the boy looking at his lips could only guess what he wanted to say.
Then the golden butterfly took flight, rested for a second on the young boy's nose, making him squint, and flew away, disappearing into the woods.
Always surprised you were Father always at everything eternally surprised and in awe of the world new to your eyes every day a bird's song a light beam a young tree sprouting from the soil I found you sometimes sitting there cross-legged watching the grass grow so intently and you sat there for days and days and the grass grew around you you watched a flower unravel from a tiny bud of green you watched the petals unfold a magnificent blue sky blue so pure and pale you observed it for days you did not move it was as if you feared that you would scare it away like a wren or a butterfly and then at last when the flower attained its fullest glory the height of its beauty and splendour then I saw you because I was there and I was watching you while you watched the flower I saw you reach out to it with an hesitant hand and those wide eyes Father the eyes of a child who is afraid yet in awe and you plucked it with the nails of your thumb against your index finger you cut the stem and there was a little bit of green liquid flowing from the cut the flower's blood I thought green blood and then you took it in your hand reverently and that evening at dinner I saw the flower stuck there in Mother's hair just behind the ear just resting there as if it was meant to be and never had been anywhere else then there behind her ear and you smiled and she smiled at you you even kissed her there on the tip of her nose and then she laughed and I was glad because I knew you loved her and she loved you but mostly because you were smiling Father mostly because you smiled
I do not know Father I do not know did you ever understand that I was a child and my little brothers also no I do not think so you were so different from anyone I've ever known I don't think you could have understood were you even ever a child yourself Father a normal child I doubt it was there once a time when that pain was absent from your eyes but then you always were a child you never changed or was it just the shell Father because you could not show that you burnt inside oh you could not show you were all inside Father all inside your fire that burnt slowly burnt and flared higher and higher every day until it all
and you could only work alone a genius Father they say you were a genius the greatest our people ever knew and probably the whole of Arda a genius that worked alone and let your spirit loose alone you could not show it Father and let you go into a crowd in other people's company then you were lost
again you were the child once more frightened silent only staring at the world observing listening taking in every detail every marvel to your eyes with your lips parted in awe and your eyes wide open the people they thought you eccentric they thought you maybe a little weird in the head and when they saw you smile they were a little afraid I think a little afraid of such a bright smile in your dark dark eyes and then they began to talk and they talked and then the talk also reached your ears Father however far and distant you were however far buried in your own world no one ever knew of the talk reached your ears and less and less you smiled
and then eventually there came a day when I could not ever remember the last time you went into the woods to watch the flowers grow not that you often smiled before oh no Father only from times to times so distant maybe this is why these moments were so precious to me so precious and dear to my heart no usually you were just silent and hurt you looked like a child who had been caught off-guard by a mean remark from their friend did you ever have a friend Father an expression of surprise and pain and hurt and disbelief I don't think you ever understood and then you smiled you smiled because you didn't understand and you never knew whether you were at fault or not it was an apology almost an apology in your smile you tried you tried always sometimes you tried so hard you even forgot forgot the outside world for a moment or a month but in the end you would always smile Father in the end however long after and then it was the others who understood no more but you smiled less and less and I think you were lost you didn't understand you were silent again and in the end you even dropped looking hurt only the darkness in your eyes and I saw it brewing there I was not the only one I think Father Mother left she left and you tumbled one step further on the way to silence you still observed you still listened but never more you smiled not in the way you did before the little Umbarto came running to me one day he was crying and he said Father's acting weird he told me you were in the garden but when I got there you had left there was no one only a dead bird sitting on the ground and blood on the stone rim of the fountain death Father it was another thing you never understood another thing you studied and then
I saw it brewing in your eyes the darkness the madness you could not keep it on leash not any longer and your Jewels your cursed Jewels they burnt bright oh yes they all said it they burn bright with the fire of Fëanàro but I saw it Father it was not your fire it was the light you poured in them all the light of your soul and the light of your smile they were a part of you they were the part of light in your heart that burnt brighter than anything else so in the end there there remained only darkness I saw it brewing there when was the last time you smiled Father I do not remember not anymore but then it was there the madness the revolt the hatred for that world you could not understand unfair so unfair you were not meant for it Father you were never meant for it no not you your spirit of fire ha mother-names prophetic right that was all there inside for eight thousand years so there came a point you could keep it no longer in cage and
I saw you at the beginning in the night in the darkness you were talking with Uncle Fingolfin he was yelling at you we could not hear but I saw him he was ready to slap you and yet he could not because of that gleam in your eyes that gleam that had been resting there for so long already and Cano pushed his way through the crowd to me he said this does not look pretty brother of course it does not filit it was never meant to be nice it could only go like that and then I saw you there it was you it was not it was the fire you could not hold to yourself that had been eating you slowly so slowly it was the fire that spread from your heart to all of the people your people and there was the hatred and the madness the intoxication at that moment you thought you had understood Father the unfairness the injustice and you thought that was life because I doubt you ever knew whatever else there was to it yes actually what else is there to it than what you have known aha Father you must be giving them some trouble in Mandos now your fire alone without the shield no you would not be bent not you I like to believe that in the name of you Father for the sake of the time when you smiled with an apology for the time in which it would all have been a dream a nightmare Father I wonder which one was really you Father the fire or the smile the nightmare or the dream which one was really the man who watched the wild flowers grow with
I am coming to you Father I am coming soon I do not know yet when but I'll be coming soon Fingon's gone and also Finrod and Orodreth and the little Angrod and Aegnor and Celegorm Caranthir and Curufin ah Curufin you favourite wasn't he they all say he looked like you but he didn't Father he didn't yes of course when you only looked at his face you were there after you went I could drop my eyelids a little blur my vision and yes I could fool myself into thinking you were still there and the sound of his voice his skills of course it could have fooled anyone but no he did not look like you not to me Father not to me he never was there inside you know never there inside he was you if you will he was like you but he lacked the fire Father but let's not talk about that he is with you now and I'll be coming soon for now Cano is still with me and Pityo somewhere here too I do not know one can never know where Pityo is poor Pityo so bitter after Telvo passed away let's not talk about that aha you made me weep Father yes you are the only one who can still do that after all is it not all for you did they not all die for you whether 'twas their choice or not from the moment they decided to follow in your steps
I have never understood I don't think I did how you burnt out at last the fire inside you finally exteriorised this it was killed you Father the fire your cursed fire you did not survive it not long however long enough to lead your rebellion against the Gods aha rebellion of course whatever else could you have done it was like that for you Father either nothing either all you could never have settled for the life they offered you peace and joy forever Father no that was not for you and yet one could have thought when you smiled Father it was a long time ago I do not even know maybe it is just a dream maybe just a fruit of my imagination of my overstrained mind maybe I just need it an image of a Father I could love an illusion of happier days I don't know I don't know yet that smile Father
Author's note: Told you. Now even poor shy Maedhros is going mad. I do realise that my interpretation of the character named Fëanor may be totally off canon… but I still hold to it.