Why do I love you?

Severus Snape thinks about his hate and love for Lily Evans; a freeverse poem for Severus/Lily. Warning: adult language and rape

For the Freeverse Promote Challenge - again - but this time for the prompt 'I hate you, why do I love you?' and focusing on Severus Snape


From the first moment they met

He knew that she was something special

And not just special for having powers where her sister did not

(Isn't magic a wonderful thing?)

Severus knew that this red haired girl with the stunning eyes and frightening temper and love of flying off swings

Was too g/r/e/a/t for this world


When they're eleven the Hat sorts them in different Houses


And Lily insists that nothing will change

But Severus knows that her mind will be poisoned by those Lions

And she'll come to hate Snakes like him


It takes her five years and a /shattering/ second to realise that maybe

Just maybe

Those Lions were right about those Snakes


Lily hates Severus

Severus loves Lily

That's how they have become and he's given up following her around and begging for forgiveness

(Whatever happened to "Best friends forever, Sev!"?)

And he focuses on Dark Magic and blood purity and the Dark Lord

And Lily focuses on James Potter, James Potter and James Potter


Severus thought that Lily would one day forgive him

It was a brilliant dream

But a dream, none the less

And if turns into a nightmare when Lily walks down the aisle

Past him

And into the waiting arms of James Potter

Even though he's polyjuiced into a muggle

He will swear until his last breath that the smug grin on Potter's face was directed at him


He convinces himself he doesn't love her

Why would you want the fiery red headed mudblood

When you could have the calm dark haired Pureblood?

So he fucks and kisses and hugs the Pureblood who loved him

In a way he never would be able to do with Lily

It takes him ten minutes before he apologises to his memory of her

And he pretends the Witch underneath him has red hair and green eyes and is groaning his name with love

(But he knows in the back of his mind that it's Potter's name that comes out that way)


His fiancee dies by the hands of Mad-Eye Moody

And Severus doesn't care

Because she's not Lily


The Dark Lord has taken to keeping muggles for amusement in the cellar of Malfoy Manor

And the Death Eater's enjoy having some sort of amusement

Severus is disgusted until he sees a woman with a lean frame and sharp features and those fucking green eyes

The hair is the only thing missing

But he ignores that and tells Avery to give her to him

And he takes the shaking woman into a bedroom deep in the Manir

And charms the hair red

And fucks the muggle until she gives up screaming

She's still crying but Severus tells himself it's with pleasure and eventually finishes with a moan of her name


They have a son.

Potter has a son.

Lily has a son.

Potter fucked Lily.

Lily fucked Potter.

Lucius finds his friend another muggle


This war has been happening for years and he sometimes hates the mark on his arm

Almost as much as he hates Lily

He looks in the mirror sometimes and hears the teasing voices of the Marauders from their school days



/Sick bastard/

Every single thing is true

And Lily was the one who drove him to this


They name him Harry

Severus bets he has her eyes


Eighteen months later, he finds himself in front of Dumbledore

Begging for help

Because they are going to die

Sheis going to die

And Dumbledore looks at him with those knowing blue eyes

And every murder and rape and torture runs through his mind and he weeps with regret

Forgive me, Lily


He doesn't hate her.

How could anyone hate someone as perfect as Lily?


When she dies, he tries to kill himself


Multiple times


It almost worked once


He didn't try again after he promised to protect her son


Sometimes, Severus hates Lily for everything she made him do.

Mainly, he hates her for dying

For leaving him


Severus loves Lily



I hate you, Lily Evans, so why do I love you?

He'll never have an answer

But he'll never stop