Or, how to deal with your First Officer.


1. First Officer Richardson must be kept away from the Talisker on all occasions. Even if this means handcuffing his wrists to the control column.

2. First Officer Richardson must not be allowed to speak to unaccompanied female passengers without a chaperone present. The old fool's hormones haven't given up the ghost yet.

3. Under no circumstances may First Officer Richardson be allowed to suggest that Arthur should go and water the window boxes. Particularly whilst Gertie is actually in mid-flight.

4. Under no circumstances whatsoever should First Officer Richardson be allowed to feel that he has gained the upper hand.

5. If anything – anything at all – should ever go wrong – and by this I mean by anything from a broken bulb to the complete absence of an engine – Douglas can resolve it. Particularly if he feels that this gives him the upper hand.


1. Douglas is brilliant!

2. I mean it! Douglas is totally, totally brilliant!

3. Douglas needs to be told as often as possible that he's brilliant. Otherwise he forgets and goes – oh, I don't know, a bit sort of sad sometimes.

4. Don't forget to tell Douglas that he's brilliant!


1. Under NO circumstances should the words 'T'ai Chi', 'brown sauce' or 'flight deck Buckaroo' be mentioned. Ever.

2. Under NO circumstances should Douglas be allowed to forget that he is, in fact, First Officer and NOT the Captain.

3. Under NO circumstances should Douglas ever, ever again be allowed in control of an aircraft should there be polar bears in the vicinity. I mean it.

4. If there is a strong smell of smoked fish on the flight deck, this is a certain indication that Douglas is up to his old tricks. Look for said fish under the Captain's seat. It will be there. It will also be in direct contravention of customs regulations.

5. Let Douglas win the cheese tray. It makes him feel better.

6. If anything goes wrong, Douglas will know the answer. It will be immoral, unethical and quite probably illegal. And it will work.