In case you somehow missed the summary, this story is half done by emcfal6406
Disclaimer: We own nothing. That's probably a good thing, considering what we do is make a character cut himself and all…
Alec slammed his door and leaned back against it, breathing hard. His blood was coursing through his veins, he felt as if he'd run miles or fought an especially challenging demon. He knew he must be overreacting, nothing unusual had happened. He'd just been downstairs, hanging out with Izzy, Jace, Clary, and that vampire guy, Simon, attempting to feel normal again. Nothing had been the same since Magnus; it was as if the happiness was sucked out of Alec's world when he lost the man he loved. Jace and Isabelle had tried to convince him he'd move on, but he knew they weren't sure he would.
He was sure he wouldn't.
Anyway, they'd all been just sitting in the library, having warm wintery snacks, when it started. It was nothing, not at first. Clary had spilled some hot chocolate on her hand, and Jace had kissed it, mocking what Simon had done so long ago back at Magnus'. Which of course only got Alec thinking of his ex. That wasn't what bothered him, though, it was the aftermath. Jace pulled Clary onto his lap, and they were laughing together. He had kissed her lightly on the cheek, such a simple sign of love that it broke Alec's heart all over again. He had mumbled an excuse and ran back up to the safety of his room, ignoring the worried look his sister gave him.
He sank slowly to the ground now, his back still to his door. He lowered his head onto his knees, yanking them up against his chest. A tear slowly dropped from his eyes, which Alec angrily pushed away. He knew he had no right to be crying. He was the sole person to blame for this, and he knew it. He had tried, or at least thought about, shortening his love's life. Basically, he had almost killed Magnus on purpose. He deserved everything he got.
He deserved worse. He deserved hell for what he'd done.
Head still bowed onto his chest, Alec rose from his crouched position. He moved to the bathroom slowly, despite every sane brain cell he had left yelling for him to stop. Stopping wasn't possible for Alec, though, not anymore.
He had tried to get over it, for Magnus' sake if not his own. He knew he had a problem, and he had shoved away all his feelings of guilt, especially for what had happened to Max. It was Alec's fault, for he had left his little siblings alone with a psycho murderer. The man had hurt Izzy, and killed Max, because Alec had given him a way. Everyone had said it wasn't his fault, that the blame lay with Sebastian/Jonathan alone, but he knew they were either purposely naïve or just lying through their teeth.
Alec had shoved away that guilt, because he didn't want to know what Magnus would say if he brought it up. Oh, Magnus, by the way…I'm in depression. Just thought you should know…No one knew, though. He wasn't even 100% sure he had clinical depression, but he fit all the signs. He probably did, that was his luck.
No, Alec told himself sternly. It wasn't luck that did this, it was you. You and you alone. Well, and possibly Camille. But whatever.
Alec turned the doorknob slowly. He walked in, staring at the checkered tiles. They were black and white, the contrast seeming odd to Alec. He didn't know why, it had never occurred to him before. It was a very random thought.
He locked the door behind him, knowing all hell would break loose if someone found him. Izzy, or Jace, they would freak out. Especially Jace. He would probably go find Magnus and scream at him. Alec was sure Jace knew as well as he did that Alec was the one to blame, but he supposed Jace enjoyed blaming someone who he wasn't connected to by heavenly power.
Alec reached down into his pocket, pulling out his old pocket knife. He had done this three times before, twice in the last week. Once when he was about newly seventeen, when Jace had come home after newly losing his virginity. He had regretted it afterwards, the next day it hurt like shit when he had to do his training. Not that anyone noticed, he had kept it hidden.
There was no regret now.
He sliced swiftly down his upper right wrist. He sighed in pleasure as he felt the blood stream and the pain it brought. Pain was good. When he was in pain, he focused on that instead of Magnus-
No. No, he couldn't think of him anymore. Not of the sparkly man who'd brightened Alec's world so much, both literally and physically. Not of-
Alec cut his left arm now, and all thought of his love vanished with the growing throb.
Jace woke up the next day smiling. He and Clary had just had fun the last night, no insane complications such as Jace being possessed, and y'know. That type of normal couple issues.
No, really, it had just been simply fun last night. They hadn't really done anything to serious so the whole he's-literally-on-fire-and-will-burn-her problem hadn't come up.
The only imperfect thing had been Alec. Jace's grin vanished at the thought of his parabatai. He knew Alec's world was filled with pain right now, and there was nothing Jace could do. He'd wanted to go give Magnus a piece of his mind, but Alec had held him back, saying it was all his fault. Jace didn't believe that for a second, but he hadn't gone to bitch on Magnus, because he knew it wouldn't help Alec.
Alec hadn't recovered as time went on. Normally, after breakups, Jace would have a new girlfriend a week later. The only exception would be Clary; if they ended Jace knew he would be done.
Jace had thought that Magnus was Alec's Clary, or something like that. But Magnus had broken up with Alec for something Alec hadn't done. And, yeah, it was a pretty messed up thing to think of doing. But this was Alec. There was no way he'd actually do something like that.
If he was Magnus, he'd probably be pissed at Alec. Pissed, though, was different from breakup mode. If Magnus had truly loved Alec, he would have forgiven him eventually. In Jace's world, love meant forgiveness. But no, Magnus had to go and screw up his brother. Jace's brother, not Magnus'… that'd just be weird.
Jace sighed, pulling himself out of bed. Worrying about Alec wouldn't actually help unless he had an idea of what to do. And currently, he didn't.
Jace changed out of his pajamas into a grey t-shirt and jeans. He headed down the stairs, loudly stomping his feet. It was like eight in the morning, time to rise and shine. He was grabbing some Cheerios when Alec came down, rubbing his eyes. He looked like he hadn't slept a wink, he had bags around his eyes.
Jace frowned at his brother, but didn't comment on his appearance. He just threw the cereal at him, saying "Here, have some Cheerios."
Alec just stood there, and the box hit him in the chest. It hit the ground with a thud, and he gave a very Alec-like scowl. He reached down and slammed it on the table.
"Wow…" Jace drawled slowly. "Maybe you had better join me in training this morning, brother."
Alec plopped down in the chair next to Jace, saying "I might. I don't really have anything to do, anyway."
"Cool," Jace nodded, pouring the milk into his bowl. "You want to do some wrestling?"
Alec shrugged. "Sure, I don't care. Whatever you want."
Dammit, Jace thought. Not caring is bad. Why doesn't he, anyway? It's not like workout makes him think of Magnus.
Jace swallowed and ate some cereal. Cereal helped pretty much everything, that was one of Jace's main philosophies.
An hour later, the parabatai were in the training room floor, wrestling. Jace slammed Alec to the ground, pinning down his arms. "Ha!" Jace said in triumph. "Suck that, loser!"
Alec rolled his eyes in that superior way of his, trying to get out from under Jace. Jace noticed something though, because Alec's sleeves had been shoved up when Jace pinned him.
"What," Jace said slowly, "the hell have you done, Alec Lightwood."
Confusion darted across Alec's face before he glanced down at his lower arms. "Oh," he said quietly. "That."
"Damn straight, 'that.'" Jace said furiously, yanking Alec up into a standing position. He stumbled, but Jace held the front of his shirt, not letting him fall. "Why would you do that?"
Alec dipped his head. "I- I'm sorry, Jace. I just…" his voice trailed off, sounding so pathetic that any anger Jace was feeling to his brother vanished.
Jace sighed, his shoulder drooping. He let go of Alec, but he motioned for the boy to follow him. "C'mon," he said, walking to his room. Alec followed wordlessly, still looking at his feet. He did that a lot since the breakup, Jace noticed.
Jace pushed his door open, plopping on the bed. "Sit," He ordered. Alec did. "Now explain. When did this start? How many times have you cut yourself?"
Alec sighed, raking his fingers back through his hair. "I've done it three times in the last week. Once before, but I stopped after that once."
"Why were you doing it before?" Jace asked, curious despite himself.
Alec sighed once again. "It was back when I had a crush on you. After you had sex with that girl."
Jace's mouth dropped open. He had told Alec at the time because he had to tell someone, and Alec was there. It wasn't anything; he just thought his brother would find it entertaining. He never thought it would hurt Alec at all, never mind that bad. "I never thought…" he said.
Alec shrugged. "It wasn't your fault."
An awkward silent fell upon them. Jace cleared his throat. "So this is all about Magnus?"
"I- sorta. I think I have depression- so it's not just him. Also, Max," he took a deep breathe, "That guilt won't leave me alone. So it wasn't just him, that was just what pushed me over the edge."
Jace nodded like he agreed, but he was thinking along the line of, that bastard. I'm going to make him pay for this.
Magnus was lying on his couch, trying not to look at anything blue. If he saw something blue, than he snapped his fingers. Then it was red, or gold, or something not at all like Alec's eyes.
It was then his phone rang. He pulled it out, scowling at the blue and green jewels. He changed them to gold and green, like his eyes. Not Alec's. He checked the Caller ID, dammit. It was Jace, probably calling to yell at him for breaking his brother's heart.
Sighing, he clicked Accept Call. "If you're going to call me names over Alexander, make it quick, Shadowhunter."
"Damn straight I'll make it quick." He snapped. Magnus raised an eyebrow. It had been a week, if Jace was this mad he should have called by now.
"Go ahead, darling," he said, flipping open a copy of Glamour. "Get it all out."
Jace's voice turned as warm as sarcastic honey. Does that exist? Magnus wondered. "Alec is cutting himself, 'darling.' Because you broke up with him."
His magazine dropped out of his hands. "He's what?" Magnus croaked. "That idiot!"
"I actually agree with you on that, Bane. But he did. Over you."
He groaned loudly. "I'm coming over there."
"You're not fucking welcome, Bane. I'd think you'd know that by now; you caused this shit my brother's going through."
"Well, I'm coming. I need to talk to him." Magnus disconnected the call. I have no idea what I just got myself into, he thought. All he knew is that Alec is being an idiot, and he needs help. And despite what he said before, when they were breaking up, if Alec needs help, he will always give it to him.
Because I will always love him, Magnus Bane thinks
He's part way out of his apartment when he turns back. Taking a long look at the home, he snaps his fingers once.
And it's blue again.
~Amber and Emma, Emma and Amber