I pressed the record button on the camera, and I looked up and gave the smallest smile.
"Hey guys," I paused to take a deep breath and continued.
"So..guess what day it is today? Yeah, it's been a month since…since.." I swallowed, trying to fight back the growing tears that were slowly welling up in my brown eyes. I took another deep breath and carried on, "Since..Phil died..and I was thinking how I never got a chance to tell him. Tell him how I properly felt, and looking back on it now..I really, really wish that I did tell Phil.
This last month has been empty, I am not going to lie. I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, after having a nightmare and I would wait for Phil to comfort me and make me laugh. But he never came. Not anymore. You see…I loved Phil. I loved Phil and I still do, and by god, I would do anything to just see his face, see that smile and hear his laugh again..it feels like half of me has died inside, Phil. Why did you do it Phil?
It was my fault Phil…died. He killed himself and I didn't even know that there was anything wrong with him. And I hate myself for it. I could've stopped him..it's all my fault and now..I am just nothing without you, Phil. You honestly don't know how much you completed me..I had nothing to live for. Until I met you, Philly.
Your laughter kept me awake, and your smile brightened everything around you. I always got lost in those eyes of yours..and your innocence was adorable. I…love you, Philip Lester. And I am such an idiot for not telling you before but I love you! I always have Phil, even when we argued. I miss laying with you cuddled up on the sofa watching movies and eating popcorn, and I miss just everything about you, Phil. The apartment is s quiet and empty without you laughing, or just your presence in general.
Sometimes…well, most nights, I…sleep in your bed, because it smells like you and it helps me sleep. Since you were gone, I had barely slept since. PJ and Chris come round often, to check up on me and see if I haven't done anything stupid. They tried to get me to stay with them for a few weeks until everything was better, but I refused Phil. I stayed here, alone, because everything in this place reminded me of you. Why did you leave me, Phil?
I try so hard to live without you, Philly. But you want to know one thing which I haven't regret doing in my life? Meeting you. You were the light to my darkness, and god damn I would do anything to see you now Phil. To feel your arms around me and your eyes…
I love you Phil, and I will hopefully see you soon."
Streams of tears ran down my cheeks as I sniffed and reached to switch the camera off. I then sat back on the bed, smelling the scent of Phil as I reached out for the Totoro resting on the side. A small sob escaped from my mouth as I cuddled up with Totoro in Phil's bed as the evening dawned on and my consciousness faded in black
Morning sunlight shone through the slightly parted curtains on Phil's room and appeared on the slight outline of a figure in the covers of the bed. A vibrating sound suddenly interrupted the silence, as Dan's iPhone rang constantly. No one answered the call.
An hour later, PJ burst through the bedroom door in search of Dan, only to find in wrapped in Phil's bedcovers with a picture of Phil crumpled up in one hand and the other holding Totoro. Pj pulled off the bedcovers and shook Dan's shoulders, calling out his name in attempt to wake him up but nothing happened. PJ's eyes widened as he reached over to check Dan's pulse: nothing.
He instantly got out his phone and rung for an ambulance as he got up away from Dan's almost peaceful looking body and walked around to the other side of the bed, only to be greeted with an empty glass and several empty packs of paracetamol as they littered the floor. A camera still remained on the tripod from his video last night, and PJ took it off and held it in his hands. Tears started to fall slowly down his face as he watched the video in silence, like time had frozen. When the video finished, PJ looked down to spot a folded note that must have fallen underneath the bed.
He slowly opened it with shaky hands, and gazed up on the words which were written hastily,
'Going to finally be with you soon Phil!'