Title: A Fairytale Story 11/11
Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: A classic fairy tale, with swordplay, giants, an evil prince, a handsome hero, and yes, some kissing
Warnings/Spoilers: Human Verse. Out of Character.
Note: (A Spander adaptation of the movie 'The Princess Bride') Uses actual dialogue from the movie Please don't sue!
Beta'd by: Whichclothes
Note 2: Chapters vary in length.
Count Rayne and his four warriors raced through the castle, and as they reached a complex intersection of several corridors, Rayne stopped, unbelieving. William, Rupert, and Larry moved towards them. Actually Larry was dragging William, who was, in turn, dragging Penn's sword like a stiff dog leash. William simply didn't have the strength to raise it.
Before the confrontation was about to start Rayne said, "Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning."
As the warriors attacked Rupert went wild, and maybe the warriors were good, maybe they were even better than that but they never got a chance to show it because this was something new, this was Rupert gone mad and the six-fingered sword had never flashed faster and the fourth warrior was dead before the first one had even hit the floor. There was a pause before Rupert spoke to Rayne. His voice was even and soft. "Hello. My name is Rupert Giles. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
For a moment Rayne just stood there, sword in hand. Then he did the most unexpected thing. He turned and ran the hell away.
Rupert was momentarily surprised, and then took off after him, leaving William and Larry to exchange curious looks. Rayne ran through a half-open heavy wooden door, shut it and locked it just as Rupert threw himself against it. He tried again, even though he had no kind of chance.
"Larry, I need you," Rupert shouted as he continued to try to break the door down.
Larry, who still held up William because he was still unable to walk under his own power, called back. "I can't leave him alone."
Rupert desperately pounded at the heavy door. "He's getting away from me, Larry. Please. LARRY!"
"I'll be right back," Larry said to William and he propped William up against a large suit of armor and took off toward the intersection where Rupert's voice came from.
Rupert still hammered the door, his blood boiling. Larry approached, gestured for him to stop, and with one mighty swipe of his mighty hands the door crumbled. "Thank you." And Rupert flew through as Larry headed back to William.
Alexander walked down the corridor with the king and queen. The queen, more energetic, was several paces ahead.
"Strange wedding," the king commented. He could hardly be understood.
"Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along." The queen's demeanor never changed.
Alexander gently stopped the king and placed a kiss on his forehead. The King was very surprised. "What was that for?"
"Because you've always been so kind to me." Alexander smiled softly before turning serious. "And I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the Honeymoon Suite," Alexander said.
The kind smiled away, his hearing wasn't what it once was. "Won't that be nice?" He called out to the queen. "He kissed me..."
Rayne ran and dashed through the corridors and as he glanced back Rupert was behind him, coming like a bat out of hell.
Larry stood gaping in the intersection with the large suit of armor. He stared at all the choices, trying to piece together the puzzle of the missing William.
Rayne flashed out of one room, down a staircase. His pace had picked up. He pulled out a deadly looking dagger, with a sharp point and a triangular shaped blade, and sprinted on. Rupert closed the gap, closer, closer and he was down the stairs and headed into a dining hall. Rayne threw the dagger.
Rupert tried like hell to get out of the way, but no, and it stuck deep into his stomach, and he was hurtled back helplessly against the wall of the room, his eyes glazed, blood coming from his wound. The room was going white on him. "... Sorry, Father ... I tried ... I tried..."
Rayne looked across the room at Rupert. He stared at Rupert's face, and then touched his own cheeks, as the memory came back. "You must be that little British brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. It's simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous."
Rupert sank to the floor.
Alexander shut the door of the honeymoon suite and crossed quietly to the far wall where he sat at a table. He opened a jeweled box, and took out a very deadly looking dagger. He seemed very much at peace as he touched the knife to his chest.
"There's a shortage of perfect bodies in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours."
Alexander spun around and saw William lying on the bed. Penn's sword was beside him. His voice sounded just fine, but he did not move. Alexander leapt onto the bed, and covered William with kisses. William was helpless and unable to reciprocate.
"Oh, William, darling." Alexander gave him more kisses. He then pulled back with a frown. "William, why won't you hold me?" Alexander asked his hands all over William.
William was thankful that he could at least kiss Alexander. "Gently," William murmured gently.
"At a time like this that's all you can think to say? 'Gently?'" Alexander asked. He placed his hand on the nape of William's neck and brought William's head up and kissed him again.
William's eyes widened in fear and repeated not so gently. "Gently!"
Alexander, shocked by William's tone let go. There was a loud thump as William's head slammed against the headboard.
Rayne looked very much surprised. "Good heavens. Are you still trying to win?"
Rupert struggled weakly, and pulled the dagger from his stomach. He held the wound with his left hand.
Rayne pushed off from the table, sword in hand, and moved in to kill Rupert. "You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday."
Rupert watched Rayne approach and he flicked his sword at Rupert's heart, and there was not much Rupert could do, just kind of vaguely block the thrust with the six-fingered sword. Rayne's blade sunk deeply into Rupert's left shoulder. Rupert didn't seem to feel it, his other agonies were so much worse.
Rayne stepped back, and went for the heart again. As the next blow came Rupert tried to use the wall for support to force himself to his feet, and it wasn't a roaring success of an attempt, but he did at least make some progress, and again he managed to duck the thrust, as this time Rayne's sword ran through his right arm. Again, Rupert didn't seem to mind, didn't even feel it.
Rayne stepped back for just a moment, as he watched as Rupert continue to inch his way to his feet and then, just before Rayne was about to strike again, Rupert managed a little flick of his own and Rayne hadn't expected it, and he jumped back, and made a little involuntary cry of surprise.
Rupert slowly pushed away from the wall. All but audibly Rupert said, "Hello. My name is Rupert Giles, you killed my father; prepare to die."
Rayne suddenly went into a fierce attack, he struck with great power and precision for he was a master swordsman, and he forced Rupert easily back, and drove him easily into the wall. But he did not penetrate Rupert's defense. None of Rayne's blows came home. He stepped back a moment.
Slowly Rupert pushed off from the wall and said again, a little louder this time, "Hello. My name is Rupert Giles, you killed my father, prepare to die."
Rayne again attacked and slashed with incredible skill. But none of his blows got through and, slowly, Rupert again moved forward. Louder Rupert said, "Hello. My name is Rupert Giles. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Stop saying that!" Rayne yelled as he retreated more quickly around the table.
Rupert drove for Rayne's left shoulder now and thrust home where Rayne had gotten him. Then another move and his blade entered Rayne's right shoulder, the same spot Rupert was wounded.
"HELLO! MY NAME IS RUPERT GILES. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE." Rupert gave it all he had. He then held his six-fingered sword to Rayne's throat.
"No," Rayne stared fearfully at Rupert.
"Offer me money," Rupert ordered. The six-fingered sword struck and there was a slash bleeding along one of Rayne's cheeks.
Rayne hissed in pain. "Yes."
"Power too, promise me that!" Rupert said as the great sword flashed again, and there was a parallel slash bleeding on Rayne's other cheek.
"All that I have and more, please." Rayne's eyes were wide with fear.
Rupert backed up a little bit his sword still high. "Offer me everything I ask for."
"Anything you want." Rayne made one final attempt to fight Rupert but he was deflected and his wrist grabbed tightly.
"I WANT MY FATHER BACK, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Rupert yelled. And on that almost too fast for the eye to follow, the sword struck one final time and Rayne cried out in fear and panic as the sword hit home dead center. Rupert's sword went clear through Rayne. They were almost frozen like that for a moment. Then Rupert withdrew his sword and Rayne pitched down dead. His skin was ashen and the blood still poured from the parallel cuts on his cheeks and his eyes were bulging wide, full of fear.
Rupert stared at Rayne. And now Rupert did something he hadn't done in years: he smiled. A real smile that wasn't affected by alcohol. He'd revenged his father's death.
Inside the honeymoon suite William laid where he had been; not a muscle had moved. His head was still on the headboard, and Penn's sword at his side.
Alexander was alongside the bed; his eyes never left William's face. "Oh, William, will you ever forgive me?" His fingers danced over William's chest.
William wished that he could move so he could touch Alexander. "What hideous sin have you committed lately?"
"I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast," Alexander said, rushing his explanation.
William shook his head. "It never happened."
"What?" Alexander was confused.
"It never happened," William repeated.
Alexander nodded. "But it did. I was there. This old man said, 'Man and husband.'"
"Did you say, 'I do'?" William asked with a quirk of an eyebrow.
Alexander stopped to think. "Well, no, we sort of skipped that part."
"Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it," William paused. "Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?"
Angelus entered the room, staring at them. He pulled out his sword. "A technicality that will shortly be remedied, but first things first. To the death." He raised his sword.
"No" William paused again. "To the pain."
Angelus was about to charge but stopped short. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."
"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you sodding wart-hog-faced buffoon," William snarled.
Angelus looked truly shocked. "That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me."
William lay there comfortably; his words were quiet at first. "It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."
Angelus gripped his sword. "And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight."
"I wasn't finished," William said. "The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right."
Angelus took a step forward. "And then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it."
"Wrong! Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why," William went silent to watch Angelus's reaction.
Angelus now stopped, and the look that was in his eyes at the wedding, that look of fear, was starting to return.
When William was happy he continued on. "So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
Angelus did his best to hide the fear that kept building inside him. "I think you're bluffing."
William just lay there and stared at him. "It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand – then again, perhaps I have the strength after all." And now, slowly, William began to move. His body turned, his feet went to the floor, and he started to stand.
Angelus could only stare, his eyes wide.
Now William was standing, his sword pointed at Angelus. "Drop. Your. Sword," William said slowly and determinedly.
Angelus was so panicked he didn't know whether to pee or wind his watch. He threw his sword to the floor.
"Have a seat," William said to Angelus. Angelus all but ran to the chair. After he sat William spoke to Alexander. "Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like."
As Alexander started to tie up Angelus, Rupert entered, looking around. "Where's Larry?"
William leaned against the bed post. "I thought he was with you."
"No," Rupert said with a shake of his head. His hand covered the wound on his chest.
"In that case…" William's balance betrayed him.
"Help him," Rupert ordered Alexander.
Alexander rushed to William's side and put his arm around his waist. "Why does William need helping?"
"Because he has no strength," Rupert said, giving no other details.
Angelus started to wrestle mightily with his bonds. He could already feel his circulation being cut off. "I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing."
Rupert stared at Angelus. "Shall I dispatch him for you?"
William considered it and then. "Thank you, but no – whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice."
Larry yelled from outside the castle. "Rupert! Rupert, where are you?"
They looked at each other, and then moved to the balcony.
Larry was outside the castle and led four great white horses. He glanced up and saw them on the balcony. "Ah, there you are. Rupert, I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lad - hello, lad - so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other." He stopped and thought about what he said. "I guess we just did."
Rupert, William and Alexander looked down at Larry. "Larry, you did something right."
Larry smiled. "Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head." He then held out his great arms.
Alexander was the first to jump from the balcony. Larry caught him before settling him gently on his feet.
William and Rupert watched as Larry caught Alexander. Rupert held one of his wounds. "You know, it's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."
William patted Rupert's arm before he got ready for his jump. "Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts." With that William fell out of the window.
With a shrug Rupert jumped.
The four glorious white horses with their four riders triumphantly raced through the night. Alexander's and William's last trials were done. They rode to freedom. And as dawn rose, William and Alexander knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. They reached for each other. Alexander and William began their ultimate kiss locked in a deep, pure and passionate, love. Since the invention of the kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.