Author's note: this is the first fan fiction I ever wrote. I wrote it in response to those who didn't like the way Scully reacted to the events of This is Not Happening.
My name is Dana Scully and I am this close to a complete breakdown.
I've been teetering on the edge of this abyss for months now and it has taken all of my strength to keep from falling. I'm in Hell and I don't know how I got here. How did I get here?
It wasn't so long ago that I was considered one of the best and the brightest. I had opportunities and choices which I made of my own free will with my eyes wide open. It seems that with each choice I made, I lost a part of myself, until I no longer recognise the person I thought I was. But I also gained so much! I found a truth worth pursuing. A cause worth fighting for. A person worth believing in. I allowed myself to be consumed by his passion until it became my own.
I've done things I never thought I would do. I've learned to lie and to kill. I've learned to love, to hate and to lose people.
I've done things I never thougth I could do. Last year I performed an autopsy on the mother of my best friend. I thought that was difficult. I was wrong. That was a walk in the park.
I'm learning what it is to be obssessed.
There's a certain comfort in obssession. It helps you to block out the world. It helps you to ignore the pain.
I didn't choose this.
I have always prided myself for my strength. I'm not one who allows herself to be pushed to the ground to rage at the Heavens. But lately it has taken all of my resolve just to keep going. To go through the motions of my life. So if I've been snippy, if I seem distant...you'll just have to forgive me. Or not. I can't really say I give a damn.
I have lost everything!
I can't accept that. Even this child that I carry...is it a punishment for wanting what I couldn't have or is it compensation for losing what I thought I had?
I have stood in a hurricane of insanity, untouched, because my feet were firmly planted on the rock of his belief. Now that rock has been taken from me and I watch, as though from outside of my body as I sink to my knees and howl at the moon.
I never chose this.