I haven't seen a story that was just a bunch of one-shots in the Hobbit section before, so here we have it.
Title: Drunk on watch
Genre: Humour, family, slight romance at the end.
Characters: Kíli, Fíli, Bilbo and Thorin.
Warnings: Slight Bilbo/Thorin mentions towards the end.
"What're you eating there, Kíli?"
Kíli jumped up from under the tree trunk, a jar of jam in his hands, with the said jam smeared all over his face. He smiled sheepishly at his older brother and stumbled towards him, dropping the jam onto the dark forest ground. Fíli wrinkled his nose as an unpleasant smell erupted from the jam before turning to Kíli and saying, "That had Yoghiki in it, didn't it?" Yoghiki, a type of alcohol used in elven wines and spreads, was very powerful to dwarves. One taste and they would be staggering all over Middle Earth. Judging by the contents in the jar, Kíli
had consumed about half way.
Kíli giggled and fell over, out cold. Fíli sighed, picking his younger brother up. He carried him back to their camp site, where Bilbo gasped as soon as he saw Kíli's
"What happened? Is he alright?" Bilbo frantically asked.
"He had some jam... it was spiked with Yoghiki." Bilbo blinked, clearly confused. "Yoghiki is an elven... thing. Very powerful against dwarves."
"They poisoned him!" Bilbo cried. Fíli shook his head.
"No, he had jam and he knew that it had it in it. Damn it, he knows that he's a burden when he's drunk."
Bilbo frowned. "He's… drunk?" Staring at the young dwarf, Bilbo quietly lifted Kíli's left arm up to see his face. Sure enough, Kíli had jam smeared all over his face, and when Bilbo sniffed he could smell alcohol that he smelt in Rivendell. "I thought… He wasn't drunk at my place."
Fíli snorted. "Oh, believe me when I say he can usually handle his liquor. That wasn't even enough to make him imitate an Orc."
"Never mind that, we have to sober Kíli before Thorin wakes up!" Fíli hissed. "Thorin would kill Kíli if he found out he was drunk on watch!" The dwarf leaned into Bilbo. "Do you have any idea what to do?"
Bilbo thought for a moment. He tried to remember what he would do with his Took family when they were drunk. He knew that the Baggins side, although they rarely were drunk, would simply wait for the hangover to pass, the Took side had another way to deal with it. It was simple and effective.
"Throw him in the river over there," Bilbo suggested, pointing at a nearby river. It didn't look that deep so there wouldn't be a chance of Kíli drowning.
Fíli smiled gleefully, ran and literally threw his brother up in the air before the younger dwarf landed in the water with a splash. Well, to say that Kíli was shocked would be an understatement. Kíli thrashed in the water and shrieked out loud before Fíli pointed out that the water only went up to his knees. Laughing slightly, Kíli got up and walked out of the water, soaking wet and shaking.
"Now that was fun!" Kíli grinned from ear to ear. Fíli did the same. Bilbo sighed. "Can we do it again?"
"No!" Came a loud and aggressive bark. The three turned around and widened their eyes when they saw Thorin, glaring at Kíli and Fíli. "Just what in the name of Erebor do you fools think you are doing?"
Kíli started to stutter a reply, holding his hands up in protest. Fíli cut him off by saying, "I was drunk and Kíli helped me by shoving my face in the river. Then, as revenge, I threw him in."
Kíli stared at his brother gratefully, but that didn't go unnoticed by Thorin. "Do you think I'm that stupid?" the leader of the party growled. Kíli gulped, his stomach in a knot. He felt guilty. Or was that just the Yoghiki? Either way, he didn't liked the feeling.
"Don't." Thorin held his hand up. "You shouldn't have done that, in watch especially! And…" Thorin stopped and glanced quickly at the hobbit. "Kíli, I'll let you get off this time. But you have to do watch tomorrow night too."
Kíli grinned with relief and saluted his uncle. Thorin gave a short "hmph!" before walking back to the camp.
"What was that?" Bilbo wondered.
"Yeah, that was weird of Thorin. Usually he'll give a big speech about how we've endangered the lives of everyone we love and the entire dwarf race. And occasionally a day without food," Fíli said. Kíli laughed.
"Who cares!" He put his arm around his brother's shoulder, picked the hobbit up using his other arm and placed him his other shoulder. "I got off! I got off! And it's all thanks to Bilbo!"
Bilbo blinked. "…What?"
"Isn't it obvious, Bilbo? Thorin's trying to impress you! I reckon he like you!"
Bilbo blinked again. "…What?"
"Don't mind him, Bilbo Baggins," Fíli sighed. "He's still slightly drunk. He's forgetting that you don't know about Thorin's hobbit crush."
So, what did you guys think? Loved it, hated it?
I'll try to update as soon as I can.
Reviews are to me are the opposite of what Elves are to Thorin; I don't hate them.