Chapter 7

"Isn't it obvious?" Shiro's words baffled Caster, causing to wonder just how much logic suffered in this future.

Furrowing her brow she replied, "No, no it's n-"

Caster became aware of Caladbolg II just as it pierced her heart. Dumbly the woman looked to the noble phantasm jutting out of her as she fell to the ground. Even as she faded into prana she struggled to understand where the weapon had come from. "I get better each chapter, witch." Archer strode across the courtyard unscathed, the only combatant even close to healthy. He stopped next to Shiro and looked down upon his former self. He had come with the intention of killing Shiro before he could fail on his impossible path and be betrayed by his ideals, but that had changed. "Shiro," Archer spoke with reservation, "My perception of the world has always been skewed. It was twisted again by an encounter with those who defy the world's logic." Even as beaten as he was, Shiro looked on, trying to piece together Archer's words. "Just like you are I embraced that new perception and used to it become a hero, but in my haste to accomplish the insane I allowed myself to be tricked into an impossible goal." Archer's fists clenched and he strode to the massive tree before him. "But that changes now. This tree is definitely the largest tree in the world! And I will cut it down!" Mana swelled within Archer. He grinned snidely, only after death was he given the chance to complete his quest.

An image of his weapon formed within his mind. Every ounce of his soul poured into it, filling it with power. Golden light formed within Archer's hand, expanding into a massive weapon nearly twice his size. Holding it above his head, Archer called out his greatest attack's name, "Grand Herring Blade Works!" The massive herring burst to life, held firm within Archer's hand. "HAAAAA!" Archer raged, bringing the living blade against the tree.

Bark and wood were rent apart, exploding with the power within. Yet despite the groans of the overgrown tree, Archer's blade pressed on, slicing though the wood like a knife through warm butter. Moonlight glistened off the Herring's scales, dancing in the night as Shiro looked on. The groan of wood echoed into the sky, heralding the slow fall of the grand tree. Archer turned and walked away, not even waiting to see the great tree land with a thunderous clash. No, he was a hero and there was still an enemy to defeat. "Get up everyone, the grail lies within there." He pointed his massive herring to the main building.

Saber pulled herself up, noting Rider and Shiro struggling up as well. "I can feel it too. The grail is twisted, not right." Mutely Saber dragged her ahoge off the ground and placed it atop her head. Shiro himself retrieved Snake-Sword-Woman-Newt and flared his mana into her. A slight cracking sound heralded a broken enchantment and a flash of light revealed Snake-Sword once again in Snake-Sword form.

As wounded as he was, Rider could not lie down and rest. He refused to fail Sakura. "Milord," He spoke to Arturia, "You don't think it is as Galahad said, do you?"

A somber nod was returned to Bedivere. "Indeed, we were not summoned by the grail, but by its twisted replication. The Grail Beacon." The four combatants steeled themselves at the terrible revelation and far away aboard a plane Rin shuddered, as she sensed logic's pain. Damn, the pilot needed to speed up!

The somber silence was greeted by a slow clap dancing on the night air. Kotomine Kirei exited the building in a nun's habit." Very good Saber," With a wince he rubbed his butt, then smiled oddly. Behind him Caster's former Master exited, his hollow eyes pleading as he mouthed 'kill me.' "Indeed, the grail was destroyed in the last war so a replacement was used. Twisted as it was it still could be used for my purposes." A great grin spread across his face. "With all your petty flailing you failed to realize Caster was draining her collected power into it while I was twisting it further!" He laughed harder, mad with victory. "Now it is ready! Behold as I release it upon mankind!" He cried out, raising two extension cords.

Saber stepped forward, "Madman! Think about what you are doing!" They needed to stop this man, but there was no way to reach him in time!

Kirei only smiled all the more, now for his wish! "Great Grail! I wish the greatest of pain upon all mankind!" Twisted as he was, Kirei could find only pleasure in pain. So when that twisted heart mad a wish of pain for all upon a twisted grail there was only one possible result. Every ounce of power flooded from the grail into Kotomine, filling him, transforming him. His meager human flesh was torn away leaving an avatar of pure power. The four petty beings before him faltered before his palpable godhood! Looking down at his new body Kotomine smiled. There was no flesh, only a dark incarnation of pure mana with a single purpose. "Now I shall spank all mankind!" His power flared with his glee.

Damn it! Saber looked to her companions, only Archer was in any real fighting condition but even his eyes were filled with panic. "Hold fast friends. Together we can triumph." Her words of courage filled the men around her, steeling them. The battle may be suicide, but they would lay everything on the line. "Hold it right there!" A new voice joined the group. All eyes whipped to the stairs where a man strode forward, glaring at Kotomine.

The newcomer's uniform was crisp and ordered. His boots were properly polished and the hat upon his hair covered a proper haircut. Officer Ushida was the perfect Japanese police officer, and he had his side-arm leveled at Kotomine. "Hands above your head, on your knees!" With his free hand Officer Ushida withdrew his handcuffs. "You are under arrest!"

"Please, don't shoot!" Kotomine paled and got on his knees, arms held above his head. "I'm innocent!" Even as Kotomine pleaded Ushida just rolled his eyes and cuffed the perp.

Wrenching the glowing incarnation of dark spanking to his feet, Ushida forced him towards the stairs. Getting to his patrol car would be quite the walk. "Tell it to the judge, I heard your confession and I've got four witnesses here to back it up." Whipping his head to the four, Ushida jerked his head back, gesturing for them to follow. "You all come along as well; I'll take your statements at the station." Ushida was kind enough to ignore the vast amount of nervous sweat on the two armored witnesses. Obviously former offenders. He'd have to check in with their parole officers.

"I hereby sentence you to thirty years hard time." The judge's gavel signaled the end of the months long ordeal. Kotomine was hauled off, hopefully the last time Shiro would have to see him. Tugging at his tie Shiro exited the courtroom flanked by two women.

Green hair whipping in the wind, Snake-sword bit into a lemon and strutted along loosely in stark contrast to the measured steps of Saber. Her mouth puckered as the sour fruit invaded her senses. Mutely she wished there was another way to sustain her besides constant lemons. But things could be worse for the spell turned sentient being. "Sir Shiro," Snake-sword idly looked to the approaching Bedivere. Archer flanked the man, obviously uncomfortable in the formal suit. "Tis good to be done with this mess. Perhaps celebration is in order."

Shiro nodded in agreement, cooking a feast was just the kind of reprieve he deserved. "Bring your master you two." Bedivere nodded along and fell into small talk, Archer just merely looked away annoyed. How he had been convinced to contract with Sakura was still beyond him, but with Rin having run away it was that or fade away. Idly, Archer wished Rin had found what she was looking for.

Indeed, Rin sat calmly and sipped her tea outside her favorite tea house. London was cultured, sensible, filled with likeminded researchers of the Arcane Arts. But most of all, it was free of those terrible, terrible abusers of logic. Poor logic. Rin smiled and sighed out a blissful breath. A faint melody lulled across her senses.

Even the air here was filled with pleasing music. Rin listened to what must be a local minstrel. " Robin." She just barely caught a word of it as the minstrel's voice grew louder. A song about birds? How lovely and normal. Rin listened as the music grew louder. "Brave Brave Sir Robin!" The minstrel chanted. "Brought as an assassin, fought as a hen! When ordered out, he ran like a lout! Brave Brave Brave, Brave Sir Robin!"

Rin leaned forward, the shadow of fear creeping into her heart. Across the street a man skipped along on an imaginary horse. A pack of grubby looking peasants following in his wake. One banged two coconut halves together.


Annoyed, Sir Robin, True Assassin, protested. "I didn't!" Really, his master ordered him out of the room, if Robin took that order to a minor extreme there was no problem.

Regardless of his protests, the unfaltering music continued. Glass shattered on the floor at Rin's feet. Even at the sound of it she didn't take note she had dropped her drink. "NOOOOOOOooooooooo!" She was on her knees, screaming to the sky above. She was supposed to be free! Robin quirked an eyebrow and looked across the street. Really, foreign girls were just so weird.


So there you go, the last chapter in my little foray into FSN crack. Hope you all enjoyed it! Yeah its really short but I just ran out of steam. I figured use the few good jokes I had left rather than pad it out with bad ones. Plus I got to do the hole meta joke. Monty Python ended with a cut short final battle and my fic ended with a cut short final chapter. Sucks for you but I'm smiling.

Anyways, I'd like to know which chapter was everyone's favorite and least favorite. If you are going to review please drop that little tidbit so I can refine my humor. Much appreciated!