Sherlock watches John checking his blog and peers over his shoulder. The action itself is normal, but his proximity to John is not. His cheekbones almost touch John's hair because he is so close. Sherlock can smell John's cologne and his soap. The smell is so uniquely John and it overwhelms Sherlock's senses. It assaults him. The smell of breakfast, sleep and morning tea all radiate from him. He deduces John's plans for the day by his clothing choice and decides John woke up three times last night because of the way he keeps rubbing his eyes. He keeps his focus on John and loses himself in watching and deducing his friend.
Suddenly John turns to speak to him and their faces are within inches of each other with their eyes locked. The tension is palpable. The moment is brief. It is almost fleeting, but it hold as long as their eyes stay focused. It frightens both of them because it could lead to so much more. The moment of decision has arrived. It is rare that a change in a relationship can be seen in a moment, but here it is in front of them. They could move on, ignore this moment and stay the same. The other choice is to change their lives to involve each other more completely than they ever planned. Sherlock moves first. He knew it was building up to this and so he can come to his decision more quickly. Everything since those first days was leading up to this moment.
He presses his lips softly against John's. He waits a moment before he starts to press harder and in that moment he feels John respond. John's mind caught up to Sherlock's and John's mouth began to move slightly against Sherlock's lips. His heart jumps and sputters into a faster rhythm that is almost crashing out of his chest. The sounds of London fall away and Sherlock kisses John fiercer. The kiss escalates and it is almost out of control. They break away both gasping for air. Sherlock takes a step back but his eyes never leave John's face. Sherlock feels. He feels emotions and chemical responses raging through him. It feels wonderful and Sherlock's mind is running ahead in leaps and bounds. He is higher than any drug has ever taken him.
John stands and Sherlock takes a step toward him, but John's face is troubled. He doesn't meet Sherlock's eyes and fidgets. Then, John does the unthinkable. He turns and walked out of the flat. He slams the door to the flat on the way out. Sherlock hears the front door close as well. Then he is gone, down the street, and out of sight. He is gone without thinking about what his departure will do to Sherlock. Sherlock staggers under the weight of the rejection he feels. He uses his intelligence to rationalize that John may need time to accept what has happened.
But it doesn't work.
Sherlock feels his mind spinning out of control. The high is gone and he crashes like a meteor crashing into the Earth. He is broken in so many pieces before he even hits the ground. The loss of John is the one problem his mind cannot solve or recover from. Suddenly the world is overwhelming again. He notices all the people outside the window and his mind goes into overdrive trying to process it all. None of the noise or the visuals drowns out the hurt though. The hurt and rejection is pushing him farther and farther over the edge. Suddenly he can't even stand and Sherlock slides down the wall.
He sits trying to go over the past two years of his life. He tries to reread the signs and clues, but the pain ripping through him cuts through the wires that link his mind together in such a complex way. He had never involved someone so completely into his life and his work. Now everything is dropping away. Everything he sees refreshes the pain because everything in the flat is related to John.
Sherlock's mind continues to spin for hours. He considers finding a dealer or the cigarettes that John hid in the house to numb himself, but he remembers that John would disapprove and the rejection tears him down again. He thinks about leaving the flat but fears that he would miss John coming back. He focuses on the details of the flat and the noises of the street to keep his mind away from topics that involve John.
As Sherlock lies on the floor, he slowly falls asleep. The overwhelming stress and need to stop thinking shut his body down at least for a little while though he struggles to stay awake. He fights to keep his eyes open to watch the door and hopes that John will come back.
When Sherlock wakes up, he is in the dark, but he is in his bed. Night has fallen, which would happen anyway, but he has been moved. He feels his mind sputter to a start again and he pulls away from the memories of earlier to try and discover what time it is.
Suddenly realization hits him about how he came to be in his bed. John probably moved him. Mrs. Hudson wouldn't have the strength. He doubts anyone else would have been in the flat in the last few hours. John came back. He doesn't know if what he is feeling is panic, anger, hope or fear. He sits up in bed and looks around the room. John is sitting in a chair in the corner.
When John sees that Sherlock's gaze is on him, he moves over to the edge of the bed. Sherlock physically shrinks away from John. A puzzled look crosses the doctor's face.
"What were you were doing on the floor?"
"Why did you leave?" Sherlock asks to avoid the question. How could John not know? He couldn't describe the crisis he had gone through. His voice is hard and angry. He is surprised by the malice in it.
"I had to do something," John told him.
"What was it?" Sherlock ground his teeth together as he spoke.
"It isn't important," John told him. Because he hadn't been here, he didn't know the immense affect his departure had on Sherlock. Sherlock raises an eyebrow. It is essential for Sherlock to know where John went. He needs it to put his mind back together. He needs to know if John ever meant to hurt him or leave him.
"Well obviously I had to work out this," John told him after a long pause as he waves his hand between Sherlock and himself. He took a deep breath. "Then I had to go tell the girl I was seeing that I couldn't see her anymore,"
Sherlock's head snaps around to look at John. Relief more potent than the residual pain surges through him. It overwhelms him again but instead of draining him it revives his brain. The words are like a jumpstart to his thought processes and his heart.
"You couldn't mention that before you left?" Sherlock asks still unsure. His mind starts to observe and deduce again. He starts to analyze John's body language. He is tense but not lying. Tension in his shoulders shows concern about Sherlock, but his face was relaxed showing he was telling the truth.
"I didn't realize it would be a problem," John told him shrugging.
"You walked out of the flat without a word, after I kissed you, which would result in a massive shift in our relationship. You have repeatedly declared that you are not gay and we are not a couple. Even with this history, you didn't think it was important to tell me that you weren't walking out to leave?" Sherlock's voice was still cold.
"Is that what you thought?" John's voice rose with worry. Concern flashes across his face and his eyebrows knit together.
"Obvious. What did you expect me to think?" Sherlock sneers at John. The anger and hurt are still raw.
"I wasn't even sure this wasn't an experiment. I expected you to deduce that I had to think."
"Not an experiment. I can't read minds and emotions cloud how I think. Just one reason why I choose to block them out in most cases." There is a long pause and Sherlock finally looks up at John to try and read what is going through his mind.
"What about this case?" John asks.
"I can't." Sherlock tells him. John recoils as if Sherlock hit him.
"Alright," John starts to leave. Sherlock catches his wrist and cocks his head at John. The doctor barely turns his head back to Sherlock. The detective's brain is slowly waking up from the crisis that John's leaving caused. His brain has recovered enough to realize that John has misinterpreted Sherlock's short reply.
"What I mean is, I cannot block these feelings out," and with that explanation a smile spreads across John's face. He turns completely around and looks at Sherlock.
"Oh. Well then," his voice is warm. Sherlock closes his eyes and enjoys the sound. When he opens his eyes, John is standing close to him again.
Sherlock waits. He wants John to choose this time. John leans in and brushes his lips across Sherlock's. Sherlock's heart speeds up again but he still waits. John leans back and kisses Sherlock again. This time Sherlock responds and moves his hands to pull John closer and down on top of him and onto the bed. The kiss becomes increasingly intense until they break to gasp for air. The next kiss is sweet and slow as the two explored each other. John runs his hands through Sherlock's hair roughly. Sherlock ghosts his hands over John's chest and arms. A moan escapes John's lips and Sherlock smiles into their kiss. He pulls away and rolls over to pull John against his body. Both of them are exhausted from the emotionally trying day.
Before dawn John hears violin music from downstairs. It is warm and John understands. He understands that Sherlock is trying to tell him everything he doesn't know how to put into words. He stumbles downstairs and pulls Sherlock into an embrace.
"It's going to be hard." John told him.
"I know, but if you leave it would be worse," Sherlock told him. The violin music whispers I won't survive it. I'll never trust anyone again. I'll never let anyone else into my life. It will destroy me. John sits and listens to the music. When Sherlock finishes the piece John smiles.
"I love you too." They seal the future with a kiss. A kiss that is a promise, a vow, that they know how broken the other is. A promise that they know there will be misunderstandings and incorrect deductions about each other. But they know they can't go back now because the moments that are right will be worth it.
A/N: Just short and sweet. Input always appreciated.