A/N: More sexy times gone wrong! This time with an ensemble cast! I think I've pretty much exhausted this theme, so if you have any ideas, feel free to suggest them. Enjoy!

"My leg's asleep."

"How long more till he gets back?"

"Will the cake melt?"

"Can cake melt?"

"Ice cream cakes do, that much I know."

"Gee-whiz, Shin-chan. It's ice cream. He's asking about normal cakes, like sponge. It is sponge cake, right?"

"Um, yeah. I don't think it'll melt. But I'm really sorry if it does."

"Why the fuck are you guys talking about cakes?"

"Why the fuck are we hiding in the dark, after breaking into his house? How'd you even get the keys? Don't tell me you stole it."

"Aomine-kun mentioned before that he keeps a spare on top of the door frame. Also, this was Kagami-kun's idea."

"Excuse me for being a decent enough person to actually do something special for a friend's birthday. You guys are his teammates!"

"Kagami, keep it down, or you'll set the neighbors on us."



"The hell you doing, Imayoshi?! You'll burn Sakurai and the whole place!"

"S'kinda the point."

"And you wonder why they had to be coerced into this, Kagami."

"I just figured the more, the merrier. It'd be a pretty pathetic surprise party if it were just the three of us. Plus, Kise said he was busy, so that's one person less."

"What if he sees all the beer in the fridge and gets suspicious?"

"He'll have to walk past the living hall anyway, so we'll just jump out then."

"So… how long more till he gets back?"

"Oh, hush, Takao. You're not helping."

"You're the one who dragged me here! Or rather, I had to drag the damned cart."

"Kagami just said he needed people."

"Hey, don't pin this one on me!"

"Shh. I think someone's coming."

"Everyone quiet! Remember: we jump out when he walks into the living room, got it? Or when he turns on the lights, either one. We shout, "Surprise!" and Imayoshi lights the candles. And don't forget the champagne poppers."

"Wait, the living room?"

"This is the living room. You're hiding behind a fucking couch."

"Right, sorry. I'm just nervous. I hope he likes it."

"Guys, shut up. I think it's him."

The thump of footsteps grows louder, and the light beneath the door flickers, casting shadows on the floor. About time, Kagami thinks. The door suddenly rattles, and everyone's breathing stills, ready to burst out and give Aomine the surprise of his life. The moment of suspense stretches into minutes, and the thrill wanes. Kagami chances a peek around the corner. The shadows are still there, which means Aomine is still outside. The door rattles again, more violently this time, and Kagami quickly pulls back. The door remains shut, however, and Kagami keeps from sighing aloud.

He leans close to Kuroko. "What's he doing?"

"How would I know?" Kuroko whispers back. "Maybe he's checking his phone?"

"Could he be drunk?"

"It's eight o'clock."

Another bump, and the sound of keys jingling; it seems Aomine is having some difficulty getting into his own apartment, and that itself is a cause for Kagami's concern. "It is his birthday, after all."

"We'll just have to wait for him to get in," Kuroko replies, saying it like it's the most obvious thing to do.

"What if he passes out in front of his own goddamned apartment?"

"What are you guys talking about?" Takao hisses from across. "What's taking him so long?"

"I think he's—"

Everyone goes silent again at the sound of a voice, muffled, but too high-pitched to be Aomine's. This time, Kagami lets out a soft groan. "Fuck, don't tell me he's got a date."

"Well, it is his birthday, after all," Kuroko parrots, sounding a little too pleased with himself, and Kagami feels like smacking him.

Someone shuffles up to them. "I think Aomine has company. The hell do we do now?"

"I think we should just wait. They'll have to come by here to get to the bedroom. We do everything as planned, but we just don't stay for long," Kuroko suggests, and Kagami thinks it's not half bad an idea. Hell, it's their only idea.

"Yeah, okay, we'll go with that. Spread the word."

"Yes, o Captain, my Captain," Takao says dryly before crawling back, and for the second time, Kagami feels the urge to inflict bodily harm on someone.

God, when did organizing a bloody surprise party become such a headache? Are they too old to be doing this sort of stuff? It didn't occur to Kagami that Aomine can—or, at this point, does—bring back a girl. Sure, the guy seems the kind to be getting into all sorts of raunchy business. Laughter trickles into the apartment as the door finally opens, letting in light from the corridor for a brief moment before it gets shut with a bang. Kagami slinks back into the shadows. Right, it's now or never—

"Mm, ah…"

Now that the couple is finally inside, their conversations are much more explicit, even when they aren't talking. Everyone can probably feel the wetness of the kisses, what with the slurping and sucking and—good lord. He should just get the ball rolling before they progress any further, but he balks at the sudden hiss of fabric and the sound of a zipper being pulled. They're not seriously going to do it against the fucking door, are they?

"A-ah! Aominecchi, shouldn't we go to your room first?"

Kagami thinks he might just die.

"Mm, I'm fine here."

"Of course you are, you big pervert. That's not the—Ah! Whoa there, cowboy."

"Me, a pervert? Speak for yourself, sweetheart. You're usually raring to go."

"Not like this, I've never done it standing. Christ, when'd you get the condom on?"

"When you're busy babbling about. C'mon, hold tight; you're heavy."

"Oh my god, the top of our heads is a mere three centimeters apart and I weigh almost ten kilos less than you, okay—Oh! Fuck, that's deep—"

The series of moans and grunts that follow will probably be seared into everyone's memory forever, a scar they will have to bear for as long as they live. Kagami prays for those involved in this surprise party gone horribly, perversely wrong. It seems Aomine's quick to get down (or, in this case, up) and dirty, sparing no formalities and cutting to the chase; they're getting noisier by the minute, and Kagami can only imagine how… vigorous they are at it, judging from the way Kise keeps telling Aomine to go faster and harder and yes, right there!

Beside him, Kuroko shifts closer. A hand feels its way up his arm, around his neck, and Kagami is pulled down until he bumps into Kuroko's head. "I find this slightly inappropriate," Kuroko practically breathes into his ear.

Kagami tilts his head and presses close to Kuroko's face. "No shit. But if we're gonna interrupt them, it's not gonna be me."

"Are we really going to wait for them to finish? It could take forever, with Aomine-kun's stamina."

"I don't fucking know anymore."

"If it's not Aomine-kun, Midorima-kun will murder us all," Kuroko points out, but at the rate they're going, Kagami doesn't quite mind the prospect of death. The sound of flesh against flesh, the way the door creaks when bumped into over and over, and Aomine complimenting Kise's ass for being so tight… Kagami can also do without knowing how Kise likes it. He chokes down on a whimper, burying his head into his knees as he tries to pass the time by visualizing happy basketballs rolling about in a meadow of daisies. Lovely things they are, daisies.

Kise is practically screaming now. The act itself isn't quite as heartening, but it means something positive. It means they'll be done soon, right? God, let them be done soon. Kagami doesn't want to doubt Aomine's stamina, but for the sake of their sanity, he hopes the guy doesn't last too long. He almost yelps when a hand touches him again, but it's on his thigh, his torso, fumbling its way up until nearly taking out his eyes. He catches the arm and guides the other person down next to him.

"What's wrong?" Kagami whispers.

"Besides getting front row seats to real-life porn and a death sentence? Nothing much. Shin-chan's on bitch-mode, and I think Imayoshi is fucking around with Sakurai," Takao mutters back. "Kise's really loud, eh? I figured he'd be more of the… demure type."

Kagami is glad they're in the dark. He wonders if Takao can feel the heat of his burning ears. "We are not discussing this."

"This whole damn thing is your fault, so deal with it."

"I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean for this to happen," Kagami grits out into Takao's ear. "S'not like I'm enjoying this either."

Takao shrugs. "At least some of us are."

Kagami opens his mouth to reply, but promptly shuts it when Kise cries out louder than before. He holds his breath, heartbeat ringing in his ears as he strains to pick up on any other telltale signs that the rutting session is close to its end. The frantic, keening sounds crescendo as Kise comes to his climax, an event to which everyone receives a memo because he's shrieking, "I'm coming, baby, coming—Oh, fuck—!" and Aomine follows shortly after with guttural, gratified moan. Kagami probably won't be able to play basketball with either one of them ever again, not without having memories of their orgasms replay in his mind.

"Well, glad that's over," Takao murmurs. "Time to die."

Kagami swallows thickly. They take a while to settle from their high, evident from the giggles and rustling in the kitchen. The clang of presumably the bin closing jerks Kagami upright. The anxiety makes his stomach churn. His face is warm, too. Oh, the gods have mercy on them all. Maybe the couple will be more forgiving because of the endorphins released from their doorway quickie. Footsteps approach the living area, and the lights come on.

"What. The. Fuck."

So much for the endorphins.

"What?" Kise asks, coming up behind him. He's busy dabbing tissues on his torso, and nearly bumps into Aomine who's just standing there, his hand still on the light switch. "Baby, what's wr—oh, shit."

Oh, shit, indeed. Kise quickly buttons up his pants and puts his shirt back on, but he suspects the damage is done, seeing as everyone is tense and in varying degrees of discomfort, not daring to look in their general direction. Kagami, Kuroko, and Takao are huddled in the corner behind the light switch, and Midorima against the opposite wall, near the television set. Sakurai and Imayoshi are crouched by the sofa. Aomine's shocked expression turns sour, and Kise fears for them.

"I don't know what any of you were thinking," Aomine snarls acidly, the vein in his temple showing, "if you were thinking at all, but if—"

"It's Kagami's idea, so if you're going to kill someone, it might as well be him," Imayoshi casually interjects, pulling Sakurai up with him as he stands. Sakurai squeaks, and jerks his arm out of Imayoshi's grip to tug at his shirt. He balances the cake on his other hand, and Imayoshi lights the candles.

Takao crawls towards Midorima, whose expression is schooled into one of cool indifference (but Takao knows better). He grapples with him for a moment, and turns around to brandish the champagne poppers. He yanks on two of them at once, sending confetti flying into the air with a sharp crack. "Happy birthday!"

The room settles into silence as everyone watches the bits of colored paper flutter to the floor.

"We are so, so very sorry!" Sakurai suddenly exclaims with a bow, nearly smashing his face into the cake. "W-We just wanted to… to s-sur-surprise… even m-m-made ca-cake…" He falters, looking like he's either about burst into tears or wet himself.

"We meant it with the best of intentions, Aomine-kun," Kuroko says, appearing right before Aomine, who jumps back a little. "There were a lot of... unexpected... complications."

"So you decided to just camp here and sit through the whole thing?" Aomine retorts, incredulous.

"Well, we weren't exactly keen on having a first-hand account of your… recreational activities either," Kagami mumbles, rising to stand next to Kuroko. His face and the tips of his ears are as remarkably red as his hair. "I'm really sorry. I did try to make this work. It just… Nothing was going as planned, and I honestly didn't know what to do."

Aomine softens at the apology. Kise steps in to further placate him. "They didn't mean any harm, Aominecchi. It was probably because we did it… uh, I mean, we didn't go to the bedroom." Aomine turns to look at him, and Kise offers a sheepish smile. "C'mon."

"Fine," Aomine concedes, "but if—"

"Right, now that all is forgiven," Imayoshi pipes up, "let's all forget this ever happened. Now, if you'll excuse us, Sakurai and I have unfinished business to attend to." Sakurai's cheeks turn a malevolent shade of pink, following Imayoshi as he walks past Aomine and Kise to get to the door. Meekly, he settles the cake on the kitchen table, and Imayoshi yells behind them, "Enjoy the cake!"

Sensing an opportune moment, Takao forces out a nervous laugh as he motions frantically at Midorima to stand. "I think we've overstayed our welcome. Right, Shin-chan?" Midorima rises to his feet, and blinks at Aomine and Kise. Takao puts his hands on his shoulders to push the taller man towards the exit, smiling apologetically. "Sorry about the mess."

"It's okay," Kise says, watching concernedly as Takao guides Midorima out of the apartment. He worries for him; Midorimacchi is a rather delicate thing, sometimes.

Kagami turns to Kuroko, then to Aomine. "We should…"

"Yeah, you should," Aomine concurs.

"Again, I'm really sorry about this. If there's any way for me to make it up to you, I'd be more than willing," Kagami says in earnest.

"Yeah, it'd be nice if you didn't break into my apartment again, or watch us have sex."

"Not unless we want you to, of course," Kise jokes, but Kagami just blushes again.

Aomine kneads the side of his forehead. "Just—go, please." Kuroko and Kagami make their way out with haste, and upon the closing of the door, Aomine slumps into Kise's arms. "That was helpful."

"I was just trying to lighten the mood. They looked so scared. You're really intimidating when you're angry," Kise says into his shoulder.

"I can't believe everyone heard us fuck. Also, that wasn't me being angry. If I were angry, they wouldn't have walked out of here."

Kise smiles, and nuzzles the crook of his neck. "At least we won't have to sneak about, now that they know about us."

"S'not quite the way I wanted them to find out, you know," Aomine grumbles. "Then again, it'd be a shock for 'em one way or another."

"I'd say it was a pretty good surprise party, considering… considering how surprised you—all of us were. Even the party planners themselves," Kise laughs. "I guess that's as bad as punishments go."

"Mm, yeah, I guess you're right." Aomine looks up to rest his forehead against Kise's. "We should've gone to my room."

"We should've." He plants a kiss on Aomine's cheek. "Oh well. Let's have some cake."

Aomine pulls away to get plates and cutlery, and Kise settles onto a stool. He plucks out the melted candles, and cuts the cake with the knife Aomine gives him. They take bites of their slices, savoring the texture and flavors.

"Mm, it's pretty good! I like that it's not too sweet, unlike the ones you buy outside. I can't believe he made it himself, the poor thing."

"I can. Why'd you think I always steal his lunch food?"

Somewhere out there, walking beside his upperclassman, Sakurai sneezes. "I hope they like the cake," he sniffles. "It was on short notice, so we had to make it pretty small. And Imayoshi-san wasn't helping much either."

"Oh, I'm sure they will," Imayoshi assures. "Our hard work added some… spice to it."

"It did?" Sakurai asks, puzzled. They did everything by the book—well, almost everything. He's quite certain nipple clamps and a vibrating dildo are completely optional when baking a cake. Sakurai feels tingly just thinking about it. "How?"

Imayoshi lifts Sakurai's chin with one hand, and presses their lips together. It leaves Sakurai a little more than breathless, even more so when Imayoshi flashes him a wicked smile, the kind that provokes more than it comforts. "Maybe I'll show you again when we get back. But only if you're a good boy, understand?"

For the umpteenth time today, Sakurai feels his cheeks flush. "Yes, Imayoshi-san."