A/N: I really don't know what happened here but this was written at 3 AM on a sleepless night so forgive me. This is dedicated entirely to Pearl (PrincessPearl) because she's the best and I know she understands.

x x x

the ways we loved and lost

these are my gods, these are my scars
here is my love and anger
keeper of my heart ––indigo girls

x x x

He haunts her from the day he dies to the the day she dies, and she doesn't attempt breaking away from the guilt upon seeing him in little things on a daily basis because she supposes she deserves it just like the way he deserved a better future. He's a disease that will never leave her because there's no cure for unnamed turmoils, and quite frankly she didn't expect much else. He always was persistent as hell.

x x x

"Katniss, are you okay?" Peeta often questions, hand on her shoulder and worriedness written entirely on his expression. He should already know, but he doesn't.

"Of course," she lies, setting aside the box of sugar cubes she'd stumbled upon while making tea, "Of course I am."

x x x

Just like Prim, Finnick is far gone. Neither of them are coming back and all she has are distant memories of would've, could've, and should've beens. It is evident in the way her heart beats, erratic rather than steady, that she believes herself to be responsible for both of their deaths. There is no such thing as wishes successfully granted, she is well aware, but if she had to choose one to come true it would undoubtedly be to go back in time and fight harder and lose less – not to decrease her own guilt, but simply because she owes him that much. He fought for her until the end, even in his last breaths.

x x x

"Go and ask whatever gods you pray to whether they can save you from this," Haymitch tells her somberly on a regular evening when he's had a few too many glasses of wine.

"What?" she replies, taken by surprise.

"Exactly. There's no such thing as God. Or else –"

She leaves before he says it, preferring to recall him looking alive and ready to take on anything, not dead in a makeshift grave. If Finnick deserves one thing from her at the very least, it's the promise of a making him an eternal memory of hope instead of depression. As the years continue to pass her by, it's harder and harder to hold on to that promise.

x x x

She finds traces of him everywhere – a permanent reflection from behind Annie's eyes, tattooed onto the way their son's shoulders curve, and the understated courage in how they stand together, tall and hopeful and reminiscent of the man who gave up his life so they could have the best chance at one in a new world without him.

She shouldn't pick out all the similarities between him and his child because it's an endless road to nothing, but it's impossible to stop once she's come this far. She comes to terms with the fact that they have the same smile. A phantom of it rests around her whenever she happens to accidentally glance twice in a mirror.

x x x

"What are your regrets?" strangers ask in surreal moments of foolishness. She is still The Girl on Fire to them, and they are nowhere near understanding the full extent of her grief.

All she can do is laugh. "Look at me," she shakes her head, the image of his hair shining in the sunlight burned into the back of her mind, "Just look at me."

x x x

A/N: Please don't favorite without reviewing!