I Once Loved

8:30 in the morning, 26th of August 2012

Ciel's eyes followed Sebastian's movements as the butler... no, the demon, crossed his bedroom towards the windows. The noise of cars and the crowds can be heard from the busy morning traffic below.

Opening the bedroom curtain is a routine Sebastian had done, and is still doing, since a little more than a century ago. In fact, today is exactly 124 years since Ciel's death. Or, more correctly, supposed death. The said being winced as the protruding rays of sunlight invaded his eyes. The boy was not of the mortal world. Not anymore; not since that night 124 years ago.

Sebastian turned with a smile upon his lips, but the smile almost dropped when he saw the colour of Ciel's eyes. 'It's a very nice morning isn't it, young master?' he said, forcing himself to smile nonetheless.

Ciel curled his lips. Disgusting. Just wipe that fake smile off of your face, Sebastian.

Sebastian walked over to the tea cart, as Ciel looked at him with half-lidded eyes. They were red, instead of the beautiful blue and the pentagram of the wretched contract. That could only mean the tranquillity of that seraphic face was a mere façade. Ciel was good at hiding his emotions, that not even Sebastian was able to detect what it was that burdens the mind and heart of the younger demon.


Or perhaps hunger.

Ciel's night shirt fell around the shoulder to reveal flawless, pale skin, and he let it be that way, not even bothering to button it back up. What use would it be? Sebastian is going to take it off soon anyways for his bath. So instead he kept his hands hidden under the blanket and watched as Sebastian pour golden-brown tea into a floral-patterned teacup.

The faint smell of bergamot filled the air, and Ciel closed his eyes. Earl Grey.

Ciel opened his eyes when the butler handed the tea to him, but he wasn't giving any response. Ciel stared at the tea-filled cup in Sebastian's gloved hand, looking rather bored.

It was Ciel's favourite tea: Earl Grey. But it appears not even the strong bergamot scent Ciel loves – or maybe, had once loved – is going to sooth his ruffled feathers today. When it seemed that the young one wasn't going to move nor speak, he retreated and turned once more to the teacart, his back towards Ciel.


A sharp, searing pain swept through Sebastian's abdomen and he looked down to see blood starting to soak through the front of his waistcoat. Another shot rang through the air, before he could fully understand what was going on. No. He knows what's going on. Ciel's taking out his anger on him, but it was unexpected. It was a grave mistake on his part for not having been able to see it coming. He should've known. Ciel had hidden his hands under the blanket, after all.


'Young mas...'



Sebastian gasped and finally collapsed to the floor, after the last of the bullets went right through his forehead. The teacup had left his hand sometime during the gunshots, and is now nothing but broken pieces of porcelain on the carpeted floor. 'Young... master...' he choked out from the floor. Blood had started to pool around him, and he winced when more blood gushed out of the sickeningly large hole on his forehead. It hurts.

Ciel merely watched Sebastian without an expression, from upon the bed. He threw the now empty gun to the floor, and slipped off the bed with an annoyed huff. 'Clean up this mess. And yourself as well. If you leave one – argh!'

A hand grabbed at Ciel's ankle, and in a mere second, he found himself on the floor, under Sebastian. The older demon's weight upon his small body prevented him from escaping, and with both of his hands pinned to the floor, his attempts were useless. He growled when he felt the puddle of blood soaked the back of his shirt. 'Sebastian! Get off of me this- hack!'

Ciel's eyes widened when Sebastian plunged a piece of broken teacup into his side, making a long, clean cut upon his soft skin. 'N-No...' Tears fell, and he struggled to speak despite the pain. 'D-Damn you...' Every movement Ciel made caused more and more warm blood to ooze out in a sickening amount that could've been a mortal's death.

But he isn't a mortal.

'What have I done to incur such wrath from you, young master?' asked the demon butler, rather calmly, before a bloodied bullet was thrown to the side. The hair framing his face was matted with blood, and they fell forward, making his glowing red eyes looked all the more demonic as they pierced into Ciel's red ones.

Ciel winced when a drop of fresh blood from his butler's forehead dripped onto his cheek, mixing with his own tears. His breathing was erratic, and he could feel his flesh closing back up. He bit his lower lip, trying to keep his pained voice sealed.

'Ah? Is it healing?' Sebastian asked with a smirk, before plunging another broken piece of porcelain into Ciel's other, unwounded side.


Ciel screamed until his voice was hoarse, and he pulled at Sebastian's sleeves with trembling hands, making the older demon lean down towards him. Sebastian could feel Ciel's cold breath against his neck as the boy struggled to speak. 'Sebas...s-stop... please...' the boy whimpered. He covered the boy's mouth and enjoyed the look of anger mixed with fear in the proud blue eyes.

'But I don't want to.'

Then they glow a dangerous red, and Sebastian was flung backwards by a sudden fierce kick to his abdomen. He writhed in pain when his arm hit the wall, and saw that it was twisted at an awkward angle. It was broken, he knew. He looked up to see Ciel standing wobbly, holding at his injured side. Blood had coloured half of the night shirt a pretty red. The damage he'd done to the boy's body was nothing. The boy wasn't human. Though being a demon doesn't mean the pain was any different from what a human would feel.

'You...' Ciel choked out. 'I wish you'd die.' Then he spitted out blood.

Sebastian scoffed and gave a smirk. 'The same is wished upon you. But how unfortunate. Our contract remains.'

Ciel narrowed his eyes, and averted his eyes to look at the gun he'd thrown earlier. He knows that. No matter how much the both of them wanted to get rid of the other, it can never be done. A century ago, the only one feeling devastated about the eternal contract between them was Sebastian, but around 30 years ago, the feeling was mutual. Ciel wants Sebastian permanently out of his long, long life. Dead, preferably.

A slight breeze brushed against Ciel's bare, slender legs.

'Just what... are you thinking of, young master?' asked a voice, deep and husky. Ciel didn't need to look to know that Sebastian was behind him, pressing against his back. His heart beats faster and he found himself lost for words as a gloved hand slid down from his shoulder to his neck, before it finally stopped under his jaw. The sinful hand tilted his head, and he let out a shaky breath when a tongue licked at the shell of his ear.


Sebastian smirked against the ear, and gave it one final nip before leaving Ciel's body altogether. He knew the boy feared that he would break that pale neck, like that one day he did. It took Ciel at least an hour to heal. That had been Sebastian's first attempt of killing Ciel, after Ciel tried to poison him. Ciel should have known that mere poison leaves no effect on him. Pain, yes, but not death.

He wouldn't do that today though. He was simply enjoying the feeling of trembling skin against his lips. It's delightful.

'I want you dead, but you can't be killed,' Ciel said, 'And the contract binds you to me...' For eternity, the boy wanted to add, but he doesn't want to think of the word nor remember it. It's painful for him. Painful for the both of them.

'Indeed. But, if I may suggest, young master, there is always the option of us separating ways. We may leave and only see each other when needed,' Sebastian said, calmly. The dried blood sticks annoyingly to his face, and his broken arm throbbed. A broken body part takes longer to heal than a mere cut to the skin.

Ciel finally turned around, and looked at Sebastian's messy appearance. 'That's not such a bad idea, is it? For us to be separated,' Ciel said, suddenly feeling light-headed, 'If I so order you to, will you disappear?'

'I will not be within your sight. But I will come, when you call my name,' Sebastian said.

For the past hundred years he'd lived, Sebastian had always been by his side, attending to his every need. That was why he'd wanted to kill Sebastian, wanted him to be out of his life.

Because he was tired of it.

He's tired of seeing the stupid smiles gracing Sebastian's lips everyday. They were faux, plastic, because he knew Sebastian wants him dead too. Why else would he try to kill him by breaking his neck a few years ago? If he didn't want Ciel dead, he would've just passed Ciel's attempt to poison him without care. But no, he returned it by breaking his neck one night when he was gazing at the full moon.

He's tired of being called the young master, tired of being served tea every single morning. Not even the sweet he makes tastes good anymore, even though in reality, they were perfect.

Yes, Ciel is sick and tired of it all.

'Do you not mind us being that way?' Ciel asked.

Sebastian remained silent. It was not his place as a butler to decide what the next step will be. It had always and will always be Ciel's decisions since a hundred years ago. The canvas of his long life is being painted by Ciel, not his hands. He lost the right to paint it the way he wants it to look the moment Ciel became an equal to him.

Even now, if Ciel wants him to disappear, he will, but never truly leaving him. If Ciel wants him to be there by his side, then there he remains, as the boy's shadow.

'You had once ordered me to do so, and I did. Unwillingly at the time, but now, perhaps it is not that bad of an option,' Sebastian said, giving his opinion, not entirely an answer. He was recalling the time when Ciel had once ordered him to disappear from his sight, back when Claude had brainwashed Ciel into believing that Sebastian was the one who killed his parents. He scoffed with malice at the memory. That damned demon.

Ciel looked at his blood-stained hand, and closed it so tightly that his fist turned white. After what seemed like several minutes, Ciel turned around once more. With his back to his butler, Sebastian couldn't see the expression he wore. That of a pained one.

It was said in the lowest of voice, but Sebastian heard it perfectly.

'Disappear, then.'

Sebastian stared at the small of his young master's back, and knew that the words will not be repeated again.

'Yes, my Lord.'

Ciel stood there, unmoving for a period of time that was lost to him, feeling oddly numb.

Sebastian wasn't there anymore.

It was what he wanted for the last 30 years, but he felt neither happy nor grief. He felt confused.

He felt empty.


And that feeling to once more love the things he had loved, but unable to, crushed him.