Title - Goodie Goodie Rat Rat
Author - who else but the feral minded Julesmonster
Date - 11/10/00 Summery - oh dear.. another Rat the Cat fic where they go someplace weird....I think you can guess where they're going :)
Disclaimer - yep, they do.. I can dream.... well I do quite regularly.... the other Ratpak members in this fic own themselves :) I'm sure they don't mind me borrowing them :) Oh.. also IT... as in IT (Frank's cat) is owned by Cammy. I really hope she doesn't mind if I borrow him :)
Warning! - Julesmonster trademarked weirdness follows...... you have been warned....
Authors Notes - okay this is another Ratpak inspired one.. well kinda. I was reading our commemorative booky thing that Jayemonster made (the cocktail one) and it got me thinking...that and the lovely memory of the 6 of us skipping across the Pyrmont Bridge, singing Goodie Goodie Yum Yum at the top of our lungs, then going ballistic as I pointed out Goat Island in the distance for my our of state buddies. Ummmm also if you're new to Ratfic (or at least to my brand of Ratfic) you may wish to read the From The.... series by the various brilliant authors out there... this fic may make more sense then.
Goodie Goodie Rat Rat
"Goodieeeeees Goodie Goodie Yum Yum........" The strains of the old British comedy classic echoed through Rachel's living room as Frank flicked through the channels waiting for the TV dinners that she had stuck in the microwave.
" Hey Rach, remember this mob?" he yelled, turning up the volume so she could hear (not that she couldn't already) the theme-song from the kitchen.
" Yep, who was your favourite?" she asked, concentrating on finding the beer in the fridge.
" oh hell, I can't remember... hang on... this bloke.. the fat bloke with the beard!" Frank called back, forgetting to turn the volume down. Finding the beer and setting it on the counter, Rachel set about feeding her furred companion, Rat. He was just about fully grown now, but still had the antics of a 2 month old feral kitten. Taping the catknife on the sink she grabbed a can of Dine Select and waited for her cat to come running.
Rat meanwhile was in the bedroom, happily murdering a pair of stockings he'd found in the bottom of the Great Mummy Dark House (more commonly known as Rachel's wardrobe...). Hearing his mummy signal that his dindins was ready he pounced down the stairs, not noticing that the stocking were hooked on a diamontte stud on his collar. His paws lost their grip on the stairs as the offending legwear got caught around him, knocking off his paws and sending his catapolting down the remaining 3 stairs. Landing in a heap of fur he tried to rid himself of the rude plaything that attached itself to him, only to fail miserably. The only thing he could do was call his mummy for help.
Rachel's head snapped up at the voice of her cat. *What the hell had he gotten himself into now?* she thought as she headed towards the hallway. Arriving at the bottom of the stairs she found Rat almost engulfed in a pair of her almost-sheer pantihose.
" RAT!" she exclaimed, not knowing wether to feel sorry for the poor bugger, or angry that he'd commandeered ANOTHER pair of her stockings. Minutes later she had him freed and munching his dinner, so she turned her attention back to the dinners. The microwave had pinged several minutes ago, indicating that the food was cooked, so Rachel pressed the 'boost' button and zapped them for an extra half minute so they were piping hot. There was nothing worse then cold TV dinners!
Hearing the microwave ping a second time she grabbed the now steaming dinners with one had, the beer with the other, and managed to somehow carry the forks as well. She made it all the way into the living room before something had to give. The forks wormed their way out of her grasp and clattered to the floor causing Frank to lean under the couch and look for them. Sticking his head under the ruffles of the couch he peered into the darkness. He saw one of the forks gleaming near the corner, but where was the other one?
" Ah Frank don't worry 'bout it.. I'll grab another one for ya" Rachel said as she set the dinners on top of the still blaring TV and headed back into the kitchen. Unable to admit defeat Frank slipped of the couch entirely and wriggled as far as he could under the low lounge. He saw something dark just out of his grasp, up right near the wall. Reaching out for it he brushed it with his fingers, trying to cajole it into his grasp so he couldn't get stuck under the couch. Whatever it was seemed to light up, flashing several colours before the world around him disappeared.
" Now if we hook this up here.. and stick that there.... and put that there...." Graham Garden murmered to himself as he constructed yet another prototype automatic toilet seat lifter. He looked up from his contraption when two people and a cat seemed to appear in front of him. A woman holding a fork, a cat, well being a cat, and a man lying on the ground with his backside in the air.
" My Goodness!" Graham exclaimed, tossing his spanner and toothbrush down in surprise.
" Tim! Bill! We've got guests!" he announced happily. He wasn't sure what he'd just witnessed, but if he could figure it out, he was sure it could make them alot of money! The man seemed to realize his rather vulnerable position and righten himself, the cat bolted under a chair, and the woman just stood there and groaned.
" Where the hell are we this time?" she moaned as if this time-warping thing happened regularly. The man looked around, taking all that was around him. Something seemed to click in his brain.
" Rach, you know that weirdo old-time Pommy show that we were watching..... umm well.... "
" Don't tell me... you're Graham, that one over there with the bright yellow t-shirt is Bill, and the bloke over there with the union-jack undies is Tim. Yep its the Goodies all right." she replied.
" Well you seem to know us good and proper. Hows about telling us who YOU lot are?" Graham said, slightly put out that these time-warping, highly intelligent people with strange accents knew quite a bit about them.
" I'm Rachel, that's Frank.. no not the cat.. he's Rat... Frank's the bloke. We're detectives with the Sydney Water Police" Rachel explained. She was REALLY getting sick of all this time-travelling. Frank meanwhile remembered what he was doing the moment before he got zapped. Graham's eyes followed his gaze and they both saw the black device at exactly the same time. Unfortunatly Graham was closer. " Ahhhaaaaa. And what is this my friends?" he purred, examining the device in his hands. Unbeknownest to him he had accidently pressed the 'Zap All' button on the reverse of the device, causing the room to be instantly filled with people.
" oh Jaaaaaccckkkk"
" Where's Tom??"
" Ohh Other Jacccckkk"
" umm is Robert here somewhere?"
" Rach! Come 'ere girl!" a deep voice bounced around the very crowded room. Rachel knew that voice anywhere and navigated the crowd until she found its owner. Robert Redford slug his arms around her waist and hoisted off her feet, twirling her around several times before kissing her thoroughly and setting her back down on the ground.
The rest of the group meanwhile were being commandeered by their various interests. Sarah with Tom Paris of the USS Voyager (much to B'Elanna's horror), Jules with Gavin, Esme with Jack Lawson from Mt Thomas, Jayesie had cornered Frank, and Sonni had been swept off her feet by Jack Christey. Cammy looked around the room for what seemed like ages before finally spying Liam in the corner talking technics with Graham and headed in his general direction.
Later that night over a rather large banquet in a dodgy local restaurant the gang where trying to figure out what the hell had happened to them this time. Graham still had the device in his pocket and pulled it out to show everyone. " Well I've still got this, so whoever is controlling this so called 'time-travel' isn't using this thing" he said, setting the device on the table to prove his point. Something seemed to ping in Rachel's brain...
" So who's at the main controls?" she asked, looking around the sea of faces. She smiled slightly at the sight of Rat sitting in his own chair with a bowl of fish on the table, munching happily, before turning her attention back to the matter at hand. Several 'no ideas', 'haven't a clue', and ' how the frig would I know?s' echoed around the table, each looking more concerned by the minute. With Graham having pressed the 'zap all' button, everyone was here, except the one person who was at the main controls. Who could it be??? Tim Brook-Tayler leant over half to table to grab the device.
" I claim this thing in the name of Her Royal Highness, the Queen of England!" he shouted over the 'Land of Hope and Glory' music that happened to start playing at the same time from a rather antique looking grammaphone.
" Shut Up!" was the only reply he got as he stood on his chair, head held high, union-jack vest catching the lights. Rather disheartened he tossed the device over his shoulder. It was the worst thing he could have done.
The group materialized in the giant control room, filled wall to wall with screens showing different people in different places. Banks of controls gleamed in the artificial light, buttons glowing all the colours of the rainbows. And there was the culprit. Sitting innocently on the controls gazing up at a rather dodgy looking British TV show called the Goodies was IT. He'd inadvertantly pressed the 'set destination' to the TV show when having his hourly bath. Frank picked up his feline friend, silently cursing the Tim's bloody timing.
Before long everyone and their respective other halves were sitting at a bank of controls programming the future. Rachel and Robert picked out a nice secluded beach in Hawaii, Frank and the Jayemonster picked a rather posh looking Honeymoon Suite in Downtown Brisbane. Sonni and Jack Christey were having a nice and deep discussion about the weather in Paris this time of year, while Cam and Liam had decided they'd had enough sand to last a lifetime and had planned an island hideaway somewhere in the pacific. Julesmonster and Gavey were deep in conversation about the snow in Canada while Saz and Paris had both decided they were going to hole up on some nice uninhabited planet somewhere in the Delta Quadrant. Esme and Jack Lawson were off on a shopping spree in downtown L.A (much to the Emonsters delight) and Rat and IT were off to a fishing boat in the bays of Ulladulla. Jaye managed to grab the device off the floor before anyone else, and set the whole sha-bang into motion.
okay so you know where the next one is coming from :) I admit this one was weird... but oh well.. who cares! feedback welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org
PS Hope everyone liked their little holidays :) now be nice to me in the next one!