Tenchi Universe: No Need for a Team-Up!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters except for the original ones. The characters you do recognize are copyrights of their respective companies. I'm not making any money off this fanfic.
Author's Note: This brief skit arose when a friend commended me for keeping this a friendship fic rather than making it into a romantic one. This caused me to remember why I'd chosen the friendship theme in the first place and inspired me to write this parody of my own story to defend my choice of friendship. I hope you enjoy this little bit of silliness.
Additional Author's Note: I would like to thank Ashes, Orleans, the Ryouga Mailing List, my English teacher, and Lady Solarys for the criticisms and help they gave me on this story. Without them, this story would be quite different.
Omake - No Need for Romance!
Ryouga: Alas, Akane married Ranma. I'm still cursed to turn into a black piglet. I'm also completely lost. How depressing. (Fires a ShiShiHoukoudan.) I think I'll enter that mysterious bar up ahead and ask for directions. (Enters bar.)
Ryouga: Where in the world am I-...(Notices that Nagi is surrounded by criminals.) Er, what's going on here and why do you have that attractive woman surrounded? (Lightbulb goes off.) Aha! You must be planning to commit some dasturdly deed against her! Well, I, Hibiki Ryouga, wandering martial artist at large, will not allow you to hurt her! Hiya! (Attacks.)
Criminal 1: Actually we were going to give her a surprise birthday party but-Argh...(Gets punched out.)
The entire place erupts in violence with Ryouga launching into wickedly cool and impressive martial arts moves.
Very Big and Powerful Ship: (Fires laser at roof.) BOOM! I am the Very Big and Powerful Ship. You killed my father. Prepare to die! (Powers up cannon.)
Ryouga: (Aghast.) How dare you steal my line! Prepare to die! Nobody loves me. I'm all alone. The world is a dark and lonely place. SHISHIHOUKOUDAN!!! (Fires ki blast and destroys the Very Big and Powerful Ship.)
Ryouga: Yay, I won. (Passes out.)
Nagi: Gee, a strong and handsome male just saved my life and called me attractive. Whatever should I do?
Translation: Crucify him!
Nagi: (Pictures Ryouga gagged and tied to a cross.) Tempting, but no. How about we give him a lift instead and 'get to know him' better?
Translation: Uh oh, I sense a forced and out of character romance story forming. Flee while you can!
Nagi: Whatever. Ken-ohki, digivolve into Ken-ohki-mon!
Translation: What the heck?! Are you on something or what?!
Nagi: I mean transform!
Ken-ohki: Chow? (Transforms into ship.)
Translation: Then why didn't you say so?
Chorus: Transformers - robots in disguise!
Ken-ohki: (Vaporizes the chorus and beams up Nagi and Ryouga.)
Ryouga: (Wakes up.) Gee, I wonder what happened? I hope that woman I rescued is all right. Mysterious cloaked females with plasma whips and swords are cute. Say, where'd my shirt go?
Nagi: (For some inexplicable reason, she's now wearing her infamous bathing suit.) I took it off so I could...errrr...more easily tend to your wounds! Yeah, that's right. Thanks for the compliments, by the way.
Ryouga: (Spies Nagi.) Gah! (Falls unconscious again with a nosebleed.)
Translation: I think you killed him.
Nagi: (Blushes.) Wow, three aesthetic compliments in one day! I'm on a roll here.
Translation: I'm wincing in pain from the extremely uncharacteristic behavior of my mistress. Somebody please shoot me now.
Ryouga: (Recovers.) Argh…what a lovely sight to wake up to…gah! What am I saying? I sound like some lovesick fool!
Nagi: I don't mind. Say, who are you by the way? I can't refer to you as The Mysterious Stranger Who Helped Me Back In That Bar In The Last Scene And Who I Am Now Unexplainably Attracted To forever, you know.
Ryouga: (Stands up nobly.) I am Hibiki Ryouga, the Eternally Lost Boy, Martial Artist and Survival Expert, Protector of the Weak and Defenseless, and, despite what Ranma and my detractors will tell you, the Tragic Hero of the Ranma ½ Series. Oh, what a forlorn and depressing life I have led…alone and lost for so long…abandoned to the cruel and cold world…
Translation: Ignore my previous statement. Somebody please shoot him instead!
Nagi: I feel your pain. I, too, know what it's like to experience loneliness in this cold and cruel universe.
Translation: What am I? Chopped liver?!
Mysterious Disembodied Entity: (Appears.) Yo! I'm da Mysterious Disembodied Entity an ah have a proposition for you groovy dudes! The evil Prince Kenji blew up my turf a while back and I want revenge! How 'bout you turn him in to those police bunnies the GP and let them have a whack at him, hipcats and dogs?
Nagi: What's in it for us?
Mysterious Disembodied Entity: Well, ah used to grant three wishes till Disney filed a patent on that routine, those evil corporate fiends! They'll soon find themselves wearing some concrete shoes, if ya know what I mean. Anyway, how does playing Jedi Knights in the next Star Wars movie sound, dude and dudette?
Ryouga: Ha! What do you take us for? Fools?
Translation: I certainly do.
Ryouga: The next movie is the one in which the Empire takes over the galaxy and destroys the Jedi Council! You just want some cannon fodder, don't you?
Mysterious Disembodied Entity: 'Kay. How 'bout I just cure your Jusenkyo curse and tell Nagi where Ryoko is instead?
Mysterious Disembodied Entity: Groovy. Oh, I've taken the liberty of linking your mind with Ryouga's and blocking his curse for a month just to make things easier. Enjoy the sexual tension that will ensue. Adios amigos! I've got to bust some caps and mess up a few folks now. (Leaves.)
Skip over several long scenes where Nagi and Ryouga have some heart-to-heart conversations, get to know one another pretty well, find they have a lot in common, and grow so close that the sexual tension can be cut with a knife.
Prince Kenji: Welcome to my parlor, Nagi and Ryouga. I'm afraid to say that you won't be leaving in one piece. Say, how come Nagi's in a bathing suit and Ryouga's not wearing a shirt?
Prince Kenji: Never mind. Your attire or lack thereof won't prevent me from beating you into pulp and using your remains to fertilize my garden! Mwhahahahaha! I'm the ultimate evil and am unstoppable! The universe shall once again tremble at the mention of my name and bow down before me! Mwhahahaha! Mwhahaha! Mwhahaha!
Ryouga: Oh shut up! (Whacks Kenji with his umbrella.)
Prince Kenji: Ow! That hurt, you big meany! You'll pay for this injury! Feel my true evil power! Mwhahahahahaha! (Takes Ryouga out with a ki blast.)
Nagi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Ryouga, I never got the chance to tell you that…Grr, die you evil sonnofab*tch! (Attacks Kenji.)
Prince Kenji: Like lambs to the slaughter. (Impales Nagi with his sword.) Mwhahahaha!
Ryouga: (Somehow manages to stand back up.) Nagiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! (Glares at Kenji.) HOW…DARE…YOU?!!! PERFECT SHISHIHOUKOUDAN!!! (Great pillar of ki comes falling down from the sky on top of Kenji.)
Prince Kenji: Curses, foiled again. My evil plans would've worked too, if it hadn't been for those pesky kids and their cabbit. (Falls unconscious.)
Ryouga: (Picks Nagi up.) Nagi, please…say something! Don't die on me! I…love you!
Nagi: (Opens eyes.) Really? Ryouga, I…love you too. With your tenderness and care in my heart, I promise you that I won't die this day.
Jurain Guards that have surrounded them: Awwwwwwww! How romantic!
Ken-ohki: (Crashes through the roof.) Chow!
Translation: All your base are belong to us!
Jurain Guards: What you say?!!
Ken-ohki: (Fires at them, knocking them out, and beams up Nagi and Ryouga who are adoringly staring into each others' eyes.)
Nagi lived, the Mysterious Disembodied Entity gave them their rewards, and Prince Kenji received a sentence of life-imprisonment. Nagi and Ryouga eventually got married, had children, and lived happily ever after. The end.
Translation: Thank Tsunami! I don't know what I would've done had I been forced to put up with another paragraph of this! Must drown…anguish in a…cup of carrot…juice with…Ryo-ohki…by my…side!