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A/N: at END.
~~Chapter 1: The Destruction of a Star~~
If it was just one moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you will find nothing on your return.~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I sat there, staring at the beige ceiling of my room. Just staring, forgetting, remembering, harboring. The dark crisp ocean of sorrow cradles me close to the surface, rocking me in the gentle waves of pain. The salty water stings the imaginary wound in my chest, burning the hole in my heart with an immense blue fire. Time passes, and light fades into darkness, leaving only the dancing shadows on the wall to accompany me in my darkest hour. The pain is so great, so deep that there is no room for any other emotion. It consumes my entire being, excluding any ounce of joy or any trace of a nonexistent happiness. As the periodical tidal wave disperses into and absolute oblivion, an empty shell takes the place of the girl that I want to be most.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The alarm clock on the table next to my bed wails incessantly as if it were trying alert me of any possible danger lurking in the shadows.
After a few minutes of continuous wails, I slowly lifted up my pale lifeless hand and pressed the snooze button.
Bella, you need to get up. Charlie will be here any moment. The soundless voice in my head whispered to me. I sighed in acquiescence and got up from my bed and went into the restroom to at least attempt to make myself presentable for Charlie. I looked in the mirror and stared at my reflection in mock horror. I was deathly pale, and not the nice kind of pale but the sickly kind. The kind that made you look as if you had been sick with some kind of horrible disease and was barely recovering from it.
Ha. I laughed humorlessly; a small sadistic smile appeared on my face. And as quickly as the smile appeared, it was gone, only to be replaced by a devilish scowl.
"Look at you. You are absolutely pathetic. You are nothing ...worthless. You will never be good enough. Never. You deserve this; you deserve everything that is happening to you now. YOU brang this on yourself, humph, Edward was smart to escape will he had the chance." Said a pessimistic creature hiding in the crevices of my mind.
"Hush." I said aloud, I will not let this she-devil further damage my self-esteem. Not that I had any in the first place, but I that didn't mean I couldn't pretend anyway.
"Coming." I whispered.
Like he can hear you. The voice said.
"Shut up." I mumbled.
Well he can't.
"Bella? Bella, where are you?" Charlie called, worried.
I shook my head, trying to clear my mind as I continued down the stairs.
"Coming." I said, a little louder this time.
"Hey." He greeted as he saw me descend the stairs. As I looked at my handsome father, I realized something. Even though the ghost of the pain left me completely 'zombiefied' and numb, my father's presence seemed to be somewhat of an exception to that restriction. My father, who has been here for me constantly, never straying and never ceasing his attempts at small talk and trying to inspire some sort of reaction in me, was the only one to stick to my side, and support me even when there is nothing left to support. His love for me was almost enough to warm my dead, torn up heart.
Charlie looked up at me with appraising eyes, assessing my disgruntled appearance.
"What have you been up to?" He asked, like there was really a possibility of me actually doing anything, other than the usual which wasn't much.
Oh, nothing. Just hearing a pessimistic voice in my head.
"Nothing." I replied.
He grunted, displeased by my answer.
We stood there awkwardly, staring at each other in silence.
Charlie cleared his throat before he spoke. "Uh…well. How…how have you been holding up lately?"
I shrugged, not wanting to lie to him. It's been nearly three months since He left, and despite what everyone else told me, time had not healed my broken heart. Time had merely given me the opportunity to learn how to hide it, in the best way that I can. Every day is a constant struggle to get up in the morning, to face the chirpy earth and its all too jolly residents. Every day I harbor the pain, the sadness and remember the past. I remember the time where my heart was still whole and when life was complete. But once my heart was destroyed, I felt the weight of the world plummet down and onto my heart, suffocating me in a never ending sorrow, and leaving me grasping at the strings desperately trying to lift it up.
"Bella." He pressed.
"Okay, I guess." I sighed not wanting to have this discussion.
His eyes followed me as I walked into the kitchen and checked the meatloaf in the oven.
Ten more minutes.
More like 20 if you ask me. Won't want to eat it raw, now do you?
I turned to look at Charlie.
"Did you say something?" I asked.
He looked at me, confused. "No."
"Oh. Okay. The meatloaf will be ready in about ten−"
Twenty, the voice corrected.
"−Twenty minutes." I continued.
I sighed. Great, now I'm hearing voices. People already think I'm crazy.
What are you talking about? You've always been crazy, the voice said.
Ignore it. Ignore it. I told myself as I began grabbing dishes from the cabinet.
Charlie watched, silently and cautiously, leaning against the doorframe that connected the kitchen and the living room.
As I was setting the table, I felt his eyes drill into the back of my skull. I knew there was something that he wanted to talk to me about but he was hesitant. So knowing Charlie, I decided that it would be best if I leave him be and let him build up the courage to do so, then he'll come around to actually bring up the subject.
And after a couple of sighs, eating dinner, and a few constipated looks of frustration as he tried to think of a way to tell me whatever he wanted to say, he finally spoke.
"Bella…we need to talk..."
I looked at him, not sparing the energy to speak.
He grunted as he settled into his chair after a few more minutes of fidgeting.
"I … I think it would be best, for all of us, that you move to Florida with your mother…"
My eyes widened in alarm, dread and absolute fear constricts my throat, hampering my ability to breathe.
But before I could open my mouth to speak, Charlie cut me off and this time, as serious as a rabid dog guarding his bone.
"No, ifs, buts, or any of that other crap. You're going and that's final." His eyes hard, his face rigid, plastered with a look of a pained expectation.
Apparently, I let him build up too much courage.
I stared at him, frozen in my petrified state. I could already feel the invisible ties on my shattered heart breaking, snapping under the weight of the world crashing down on me. The bonds that I have worked so hard to hold me together are no longer secure, exposing me to the brutal truth that I am by no means ready to see.
My breathing quickened.
"Bella…?" Charlie whispered. I looked up and saw that he was tense and apprehensive, and was unconsciously running his hand through his hair. Through the thick cloud of despair, I was vaguely aware that Charlie's reaction to my response should have told me that he had expected me to react this way…that he knew I would react this way…
But why would he break me on purpose…why would he-
Because he hoped you would move on…that you would be willing to accept that HE has…and that know so should you… the ghostly voice said, almost as clear as day.
My hands balled into fists as I grip the red table cloth, desperately searching for something to stabilize my mental breakdown.
"No," I whispered, barely managing to speak. The words slipped from my mouth like smooth velvet, but seemed like nothing more than a fleeting whisper. I cringed inwardly as my shield of protection began to crumble away. I knew I was hurting my father, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. I just couldn't.
I squeezed my eyes shut, desperately wishing this to be a dream. God, please not let this be real. He needs to know what this is doing to me! I thought in incredulity.
And for a sickening moment, the all is quiet as the world stands still.
"Bella?" Charlie whispered, apprehensively.
"No," I repeated, stronger this time. My eyes fluttered open. I can almost feel the beast of the pain claw its way out of my chest.
"I'm not leaving." I said slowly, deliberately.
"Of course you are," he says gruffly. "Jacksonville would be good for you. You need to get away from Forks."
Jacksonville. Hot and sunny Jacksonville. No, he won't exist there. Nothing can exist there. Nothing. Not in Florida, they won't exist there….I won't exist there…
Panic spreads through me like gas set to flame. I glared at him. "No." I won't.
And with a burst of life, the weight of the world is gone, but as it lifts the hole in my chest rips even wider, gets a little deeper, closer to the center of my heart. The pain radiates though my body, deafening me with a beast's dreadful roar. It rattles against the cages of my skull, struggling to break free. I yank my hands to my head, clinging desperately to any ounce of control I have left. The pounding gets louder, stronger, but I keep my palms pressed against my skull.
"I'm. Not. Leaving." I hiss, my voice suddenly loud. "I. Will. Not. Go."
The drumming ceases but only enough for me to let my hands drop.
I glare blearily at him. I blink. His face is a mask of confusion and relief.
"Why not?" He asks.
"My home is in Forks," I whispered.
"Bella, you belong there, with your mother, with Renee, with the sun…I never really understood why you came here, and don't get me wrong, I love having you here but…but Bella, this isn't YOU! I know that you love him, but he's gone! You need to leave, to move on! I- I thought that I could handle this Bella but this is beyond me! I can't do it; I just can't do it anymore." He exclaimed, desperate for some absolution in me.
It not only terrified me to leave, it devastated me. I felt that if I left, then everything we had would fade into a dream. Like everything before wouldn't have existed. And I knew it wouldn't. Not in sunny, hot, cloudless Jacksonville. I clench my fists. He won't exist in Florida.
"I can't leave."
"Bella, ye-" Charlie started.
And just as it is always calm before the storm, it is always serene after the destruction of a star.
"NO!" I cry, bursting through the last of my dark haze. The walls of my safe cocoon shudder for a moment and the drumming in my head grows louder and louder, beating out the last of my sanity. Time is suspended for only a brief second before, with a ripping sigh, my haven caves. The protection that I have worked so hard for, crumbles beneath me invisible to everyone else. My walls fall, leaving me bare and exposed. Drenching me in a blinding ray of light. I cringe away from it, searching desperately. Searching, but not finding. I'm lost and I can't even remember what I'm searching for. Terror washes through me. Light sears, merciless and relentless, and undoubtedly unforgiving. I cringe, folding into myself. I am, helpless and terrified.
The blinding light makes everything too clear. I squint against the light that threatens to split me open and desperately clutch at my chest, trying to hold myself together. I can feel myself shattering. I shove against the table, rising slowly. My knees tremble. I grip them for support. . "I won't leave Forks!" I snarl through my teeth.
"It'll be good for you—" Charlie tries.
"IT ISN'T GOOD FOR ME!" I screech as my sanity finally shatters. Pieces of me fly in every direction, but nobody can see it. Everything pounces back, logging themselves into my dead heart, forcing the heartbreaking memories of HIM to resurface. Him. Him. Him.
I gasp in shock, moaning as it ruthlessly tears at me, gorging out chunks of my chest. The shards of my longing and pain. It bubbles to my lips, clawing them open. And unwillingly, I oblige.
"NO! I WON'T. I CAN'T. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME, EDWARD!" I scream out blindly, letting out the feeling I have worked so hard to bottle up, pour out in words. "YOU DON'T WANT ME! YOU NEVER WANTED ME, AND I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! I WAS JUST A TOY TO YOU EDWARD, A BROKEN TOY! AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SHIPPING ME AWAY! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE LEAVING!" I screamed, not bothering to notice the words I was saying.. I grabbed the glass of water I was drinking and hurled it across the room. It shatters against the wall next to a framed picture, which in turn, drops to the floor and onto a heap of broken glass. Broken
Just like me. Just like my universe. Broken. Shattered. Destroyed. Just like my heart.
Nothing was ever coming back. Nothing was ever going to be the same again. Life, love, meaning… It was and us hopelessly destroyed beyond repair, and cast to the side to rot. When he left, he took everything with him, yanking the well-worn rug beneath my feet, leaving me bruised and bleeding and broken. He stripped me bare, and took every hope, every dream and wish, every possible future and family with him. But it doesn't matter anymore, because I don't care. Because he doesn't care. Because he doesn't love. He couldn't. Because they were right, he is a heartless creature, incapable of love and compassion. He just takes, and takes, and drains the life out of everything that is capable of loving. He is a monster, a true vampire. He doesn't want me, and he never will. He tried to tell me since the beginning but I didn't listen. I thought I could tame the beast inside. But instead, it ate me alive. Why didn't I listen? Why? Because I am a pathetic fool.
"All I wanted was to be happy, to be whole." I said barely above a whisper. I tuned to stare at the broken glass as tears spilled over. My face scrunched up in anger and pain. I let out a sickening sob. "EVERYTHING IS BROKEN."I scream, my throat burning from sudden use as I grabbed the table and heaved over and threw it as far as I could across the kitchen. I can hear the splintering wood, but it didn't matter.
"WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS, DADDY? WHY DADDY? Why NOW? Why…?!" I feel like my chest has been sliced open. Like someone grabbed my heart and mangled it. Like someone mangled me. Like they tore me up inside and didn't care about the remains.
I looked up at Charlie, who was still sitting in his chair, frozen, pale as a sheet and with teary eyes wide with shock and pain.
"WHY?!" I screech, grabbing any movable object within an arm's reach and throwing them, hapzardly, around the kitchen. I reach blindly for something, only to find nothing, and clawed at the air desperately trying to hold onto something, anything. My knees finally buckle, and I drop down onto ceramic tile the floor and clutch at my torn up and beaten chest. "Even the air is empty." I whisper. I sob again. I guess this iswho I am now. This is what is left of me. I punched the wall in sudden anger, at the unfairness and horror of it all. And as I retrieve my newly bruised hand and cradle it to my chest, I look up at my father who is still staring at me in shock. "Aren't I good enough for you Daddy? Don't you want me?" I whisper, my voice strangled with pain.
And for a fleeting moment, I wondered how I am still alive. Shouldn't someone with no heart, no soul die? I have been long since murdered, but somehow, I am still breathing. Still living.
Was God this cruel?
And suddenly, he was there. My daddy was here. "Shh, Shh. It's okay, baby doll. It's gonna be okay. You can stay. You can stay in Forks," he croons, his voice shocked and laced with pain, as he rocks me back and forth lulling me to sleep. I bury my nose in his faded red flannel shirt and let my tears run restlessly.
As my I close my eyes, I realize how hard it must be for him to see his only daughter break before his eyes. Just as he did when he was young. To see that his daughter is unconsciously following the same mistakes he made at a young age. It must be heart wrenching. And as I realized this, I knew I would make it up to him.
I will continue living. I will live for Charlie. For the lost and mangled hope that refuses to leave the essence of my being. As long as I stay in Forks, I will survive. Even if it meant living in a half-life, it beat not living at all.
I think if I keep crying, I can make an ocean made out of my tears. Maybe, just maybe, when Charlie's gone, I can drown myself in them.
As darkness envelopes me, and I have the oddest sensation of falling. And for a fleeting moment I wonder how long it will take me to reach rock bottom.
Maybe I already have, and this is just what's left.
A/N: Well...long time no write. Yeah I know stupid.. Okay I hope you like this chapter, and i am very sorry I haven't updated in who knows how long. I would have updated sooner but me being me, life getting in the way and general laziness, I haven't been able to. And as if that is not enough to keep me from writing, I forgot that fanfiction dot net has that 90 day document life thing and all my work from this story and all my previous stories got removed and i didn't get to recover them in time. So I have to rewrite a lot of stuff. Dang it. But yeah, i decided to do this one first so I hope you are happy and will reward me with Reviews. They will be very much appreciated.
And as for the pessimistic voice in Bella's head, well i'm not sure if i want to keep it Psychological or make it paranormal. What do you think? Review or PM me with your thoughts and opinions.