A/N: MAN, I had so many deleted scenes. Most of these I wrote during my initial stages of writing scenes, where I did it non-linearly. I couldn't put in some of them in since they were so short, and a lot of them start halfway through a conversation, too…
I haven't bothered to edit many of these to make them good, since if they were worth it they'd have been in the fic XD As such, the characterisation and plot is completely inconsistent with the fanfic's canon. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
You guys are in luck since the hotel I'm in this weekend has wifi, haha. I'm sorry it's so long though, you're probably not THAT interested, but some of these scenes are still sentimental to me even if I didn't use them.
Chapter 4 – Benji and the guinea pig, when Beca is going home from Chloe's.
It's starting to get dark when Beca makes her way back to her dorm. It's a bit of a struggle - her body is starting to protest all the exercise it's had to do today. Not just because of her injuries, but just general fatigue.
'Hey! Beca,' says a voice just as Beca passes a tree, making her jump wildly and whirl around, her rape whistle clutched unconsciously in her fist. It's not that uncommon to see people around at this time of the day – it is a school campus after all - but seeing a shadowy shape of someone sitting under the tree is still pretty damn scary.
Thankfully, however, whoever it is moves into the light a little more, and she instantly relaxes once she recognises who it is.
'Hey Benji!' Beca hasn't spoken to Jesse's roommate many times, but he's always been very sweet and eager to hear all he can about the acapella world, particularly since he wasn't allowed to be in it. In a way he kind of reminds Beca of a male Chloe, even if Chloe is much more confident than he is and not anywhere near as awkward. Nonetheless, they're both such warm people – a little quirky, maybe, but still incredibly friendly.
'What are you doing out here?' he asks, sounding a tad envious. Off to a party?'
'No, I was just visiting Chloe. I kind of managed to trip her up and hurt her earlier, so I wanted to check up on her.'
'Oh.' Benji winces in sympathy. 'Is she okay?'
'I think so.' Beca moves a little closer to him, crouching down with intention to sit with him for a bit, and then notices some movement in his lap. She suddenly realises that Benji has – of all things – a guinea pig sitting in the space between his thighs. 'Benji,' she says slowly, 'this might be a silly question, but why in God's name are you out here with a guinea pig?'
He shrugs. 'Sometimes it's nice to come out here when there aren't many people around and think. Plus Jesse kicked me out 'cause of this little lady,' he says, nodding down at said pig and stroking her fur gently.
Beca gives him a weak smile, wondering if she maybe reacted too soon by relaxing when she realised it was Benji. 'Erm… She's cute?'
'Yeah… Although I'm starting to think she might be a he,' he says, squinting down at the animal. Beca doesn't want to know why he thinks that.
'What're you doing with him? Or her?' she asks, not quite sure if she wants to know the answer.
'Oh, I borrowed it from my uncle,' he answers. 'He owns a pet store, sometimes he lets me take some of them for my tricks.'
'Isn't that… kinda cruel?'
He looks appalled at the very notion. 'I'd never hurt them! Trust me, all my magic is totally safe for them.'
Beca holds up her hands. 'Okay, okay. I wasn't saying you would…' She decides not to ask anymore about it and falls silent, watching Benji play with the guinea pig.
'Hey Benji, have you ever been in love?' she asks suddenly, surprising herself. It takes him by surprise too, evidently, as he nearly drops the guinea pig.
'In love? Uh, I dunno,' he stammers. 'No, I guess not. Why do you ask?'
Why did she ask that? She doesn't know. One second she was just watching Benji chuckle as the guinea pig licked his hand, then next she was asking total random questions. It's not like she thought he'd have much advice for her or anything.
Benji's watching her carefully, chewing on his lip like he's debating whether to ask something. 'Are you sure there's not a reason? I mean like, a… a girl reason,' he asks quietly. Beca isn't that surprised to find out Benji knows she's into women. He does live with Jesse, after all, who can occasionally have a very loose tongue. ''Cause I'm not really the one to ask about things like that.'
'No,' she says, laughing a little at the idea. When Benji blinks at her, she repeats, more firmly, 'No. I mean, that'd be stupid. I've only known her like, a few months. Barely even that.'
Benji blinks, his innocent eyes shifting to look at hers. 'Uh… You've only known who for a few months?'
Beca's eyes widen as she realises what she said. She quickly scrambles to her feet. 'I gotta go,' she blurts out, already starting to back away.
Chapter 5- Beca stays in Chloe's sleeping bag instead of running away. The first part comes instead of that whole scene where Beca runs off, the second is after Amy wakes her up (remember Beca is still in her sleeping bag)
'And I have too many boundaries,' Beca says, smiling slightly. 'Guess I'm working on that too.'
Chloe lifts her head from Beca's neck, looking into Beca's eyes, searching them. 'I'm really glad,' she whispers. 'Even if I've been going crazy trying not to touch you.'
Beca's mouth goes dry. 'You have?'
She nods. 'Yeah. Just simple things, like… touching your hand. Or your face.'
'My face?' Beca squeaks.
'Yes,' Chloe whispers, now close enough that Beca can feel her breath on her face. 'Your skin always looks really soft.'
She clears her throat, trying to sound normal. 'Moisturiser, and stuff.'
Chloe chuckles. 'I bet.' Chloe lifts a hand to her cheek, gently hovering just an inch above the skin. 'Can I?'
Beca jerks back a little in surprise. 'What? Can you what?'
'Just… touch you. Here...' Her middle finger grazes Beca's cheek bone, just once. 'Please?'
'Chloe, I… I don't know…'
'Please. C'mon. Just one touch… Just here. I want to know what it feels like.'
Chloe slowly cups her face, stroking her thumb gently over it. Beca lets out the breath she'd been unconsciously holding, trying to calm herself down.
Normal friends don't do shit like this, she finds herself thinking. But Chloe is not a normal friend. It's not unusual for them to be doing things like this, really.
Except it is, because Chloe's kind of leaning in a little, her fingers pressing into her cheek bone and Beca's heart is slamming against her rib cage and she's probably going to have a panic attack at any moment.
They lie there for a long time, simply looking at each other. The deliberate, back and forth sweep of Chloe's thumb over her face is soothing, as are the fingers are curled lightly over her jaw and the back of her neck. Eventually, Beca's heart rate slows to its normal speed and she allows herself to relax, close her eyes and just enjoy the sensation.
She senses Chloe leaning in, and then there's a gentle pressure as she rests theirs forehead together. 'Thanks,' she murmurs, letting her hand fall away. After a moment of searching, her fingers tap Beca's, and she allows Chloe to link them.
'You're welcome, I guess.'
'Well, sorr-y if my couch isn't made of fluffy kittens and rainbows like yours is. Looks like you had a nice night in the end though,' says Amy, winking at her. Before Beca can retort, Chloe finally begins to wake up, letting out a content groan. She stretches, cat-like, still on her side; unfortunately the sleeping bag still doesn't have much space in it, so mostly Chloe just ends up rubbing her body on Beca's.
'Chloe!' Beca hisses at her, but Chloe's still half-asleep so she just pulls Beca back into her chest, cuddling her with her arms around her middle like a teddy.
'Five more minutes,' Chloe mumbles into her shoulder, nuzzling into Beca. She lets out a deep sigh, warming Beca's back through her shirt. 'So comfy.'
Suddenly, Beca hears a muffled giggle. Her head snaps around to face the direction of the sound, and her jaw drops.
To her horror, it seems as though the rest of the girls have been up for a while. Some are drinking coffee and they all look extremely bleary eyed, but all are definitely awake.
And all are definitely looking at Chloe and Beca as the former tries her best to entwine their legs together, cuddling Beca tighter while she tries desperately to wriggle out of Chloe's grip.
'How long have you guys just been watching us sleep?' she screeches.
'You guys looked too cute. We didn't want to wake you up,' says Cynthia Rose.
'Oh, but you didn't think throwing Cheerios at us would wake us?!'
'Oh, that was just for own amusement,' Amy says, waving a hand dismissively.'
She catches Aubrey's eye, who is watching the scene unfold impassively. 'Aubrey, didn't you have anything to say about this?!'
Aubrey shrugs. 'I was going to… But then I thought, nah, better not.' Amy chuckles and aims a mimed high five in Aubrey's direction.
'I hate you all,' Beca growls. Chloe is frowning to herself now, gradually being pulled from the land of sleep by all the yelling. Jeez, that girl can sleep. At least waking means she finally lets go of Beca and shifts back to her side of the sleeping bag, resuming stretching, which is better than being spooned.
'Beca?' she mumbles, her eyelids flickering. 'What's up?'
'Nothing.' Beca sighs deeply. 'Just go back to sleep.' She makes attempt to shimmy out of the top of the sleeping bag, and at this Chloe's eyes finally open properly.
'Why's my forehead all wet?'
Chapter 8 (the angsty one with Stacie). Beca and Chloe originally made up quite quickly. Also, Beca had originally never kissed a girl. Shocker!
'But you thought she was going to,' Chloe says, glaring down at Beca. 'And you didn't push her away.'
A hard flush creeps into Beca's cheeks, and she looks down at her feet sheepishly, scuffing a toe into the ground. 'I guess part of me wanted to know what it's like.'
'Kissing Stacie?' says Chloe sceptically, wiping her face again.
'No. Kissing girls.'
Chloe's stunned silence makes Beca feel even more embarrassed; she tucks her chin into her chest, trying not to look at Chloe.
'You've never kissed a girl?'
Beca shakes her head.
'But… you said you've known you were gay since you were in middle school.'
'I didn't actually tell anyone until I was half way through high school, though, and you know how I am… I could barely hug anyone, let alone want them to get close enough to kiss me.'
Chloe tilts her head. Her anger seems to have faded away temporarily, to be replaced by genuine curiosity. 'Have you kissed anyone?'
The memory makes Beca grimace. 'Yeah, but considering I was only like 14 and it was sort of a dare, I don't think it counts. I don't really want it to.'
'So you wanted Stacie to be your first?'
Beca shrugs. 'No, not necessarily. But do you see any other girls lining up to kiss me?'
Chloe sighs and rolls her eyes; next thing Beca knows, she's being pulled into an embrace. Beca lets out a tiny squeak of protest, but only a small one. Honestly, she's glad Chloe even wants to hug her anymore after the fuck up
'You are so stupid,' Chloe mumbles into her hair, managing to sound both furious and exhausted. 'That's not how it works, you shouldn't have to or want to kiss people just because they're there.'
'Um, again, do you see any other girls lining up to kiss me?'
Chloe growls in her ear a little. Actually growls. 'Are you actually blind? Maybe you can't see the line, but it's out there. And not one of them are good enough for you.'
'Is that a fact?' Beca jokes weakly.
'Yes. It is.'
Beca isn't sure how to respond to that, besides her stomach flipping over at Chloe's words. So she latches onto the easiest thing. 'Hey, I thought we were respecting my personal bubble?'
Chloe taps Beca's head with hers, then rests her forehead against her temple. 'We are. But after what just happened, I'm having this hug and you're dealing with it.'
Beca acquiesces easily. She owes her a heck of a lot more than just one hug.
Chapter 8 – Aubrey was originally meant to be at the party and would find Beca – who was actually meant to have the panic attack/break down she did in the final chapter at the end – being comforted by a helpless Jesse. Some of this was reused in the final chapter.
'Hey, is she okay?' It's Aubrey. 'Beca? What happened?'
'I don't know. Christ, Aubrey, look at her. She's as white as a sheet. Does she look kind of green to you? People sometimes throw up when they cry too much, don't they?'
'Beca. Beca, look at me. It's me, Aubrey. Do you think you're going to be sick? Blink twice for yes, okay?'
'She didn't blink at all, what does that mean?'
'I have no idea.'
'There isn't anything around for her to use and I don't want to take her back indoors… Never mind, just throw up in the bushes if you need to, Beca, don't worry about it. This place is a mess anyway.'
'What do you think happened to her?'
'I don't know exactly, although I know Chloe is involved. Fuck, this is scary. I've never seen her like this before. She seems so out of it.'
'Chloe,' Beca mumbles, her stomach lurching.
'Head between your knees, Beca. What happened between her and Chloe?'
'Chloe text me a little while ago asking where she was.'
'I thought she and Beca weren't talking at the moment?'
'That's what I thought, but apparently Beca called her and they were about to make up, but then Beca heard that Tom dude in the background and freaked out.'
'Tom? Why would Beca freak out about him? They're not even together anymore.'
'Well that's what I thought, but apparently not.'
'These two get into so much drama together. It's ridiculous.'
'I know, Beca's been getting so wound up about her lately. That's the whole reason I brought her here, so she could have some fun… Crap. I'm so sorry, Beca. God, I'm an awful friend.' She feels Jesse's heavy arm around her shoulders, pulling her close, but it makes her head swim so she pulls away.
'I messed it all up,' Beca whispers to her knees. 'I messed it all up.'
'What's she saying? I can't hear her very well.'
'I'm not sure. Doesn't sound good, though.'
'Look, if Beca's in a state like this, Chloe's probably even worse. I should go find her. Will you be alright alone with her?'
'Yeah. I mean… I hope so…'
Same chapter – another cut Benji scene. LOL. I don't know why he kept having guinea pigs in his scene, or why he got cut every time (poor Benji). Some of this dialogue was reused with Luke.
'Hi guys.' Benji casts a concerned glance at Beca. 'Is she okay?'
'Oh yeah. Don't worry about her, she's just upset 'cause she and her not-quite-girlfriend aren't talking right now.' Beca lifts her head, sending an outraged look in Jesse's direction. 'What?'
'Think about what you just said, dickhead!' When Jesse makes a confused face, she growls, 'You just outed me to Benji!'
Jesse laughs incredulously. 'Seriously, Beca? Like Benji's going to judge you or anything. Right, Benj?' he adds, directed at Benji, who nods vigorously.
'My aunt is a lesbian too, Beca. You don't need to worry,' he tells her.
'That's not the point. It isn't your decision to make.' Beca finally slides off the bed, brushing off her jeans like it might remove the mildly unpleasant smell of boy she swears she can still detect clinging to her. Man, she really is gay.
'Bec?' Jesse says, reaching for and grasping her arm as she passes him, seeming to sense that's she's genuinely upset. 'Hey, don't be like that. I'm sorry, okay?'
'I know.' She sighs. 'But you don't really get it… Nor do I, really. I don't know. I think I just need some time alone… Because all I keep thinking about is her.' She mumbles the last sentence, not really intending him to hear. However, from the pitying expression on his face, he has.
'Are you sure? Why don't you hang around, me and Benji can keep you distracted?'
'Yeah,' Benji pipes up, looking excited. 'I've got this great new trick using a guinea pig, Beca. It'll blow your mind.'
'Dude, no guinea pigs in the dorm room.'
She attempts a weak smile. 'That sounds great, Benji. But I don't think even guinea pigs can cheer me up right now. Plus, I kinda hate them,' she adds on an afterthought.
As she's leaving, she hears Benji exclaim, 'How can you hate guinea pigs?! They're like hamsters you can hug!'
Aubrey and Chloe are arguing in practice, so Beca bravely jumps in to defend her lady. It backfires.
'Hey!' Beca shouts, leaping up from her chair and scuttling over to the scene before she's even really thinking about it.
'This is a private conversation, Beca, stay out of it!' Aubrey screeches, bright red in the face from anger.
'I'm getting involved if you're going to speak to her like that,' Beca says hotly.
Chloe grips Aubrey's arm, stopping her 'Bree, calm down. Give me a moment alone with Beca, please?'
'Five minutes,' Aubrey seethes, 'you have five minutes. I'm going to go tell Amy she's taking your solo.' She stomps away.
'She can't do that,' says Beca in disbelief. 'That's your solo! She's gone too far this time.' She makes to go after Aubrey, but Chloe stops her.
'Don't bother. I said I would give it to Amy.'
'Don't act dumb,' Chloe snaps, 'you know my voice can't handle it without sounding like a dying cat. It was for the best of the team.' She crosses over to her bag and rips a bottle of water out from inside it, gulping back water in violent swallows. Beca follows her hesitantly.
'I wouldn't go for dying cat as the most fitting description,' she says, trying for levity. 'Maybe just a slightly stepped on one.'
'Is that supposed to be funny or make me feel better?' Chloe says, her tone caustic. 'Because it does neither.'
'No… Sorry, I was just being stupid.' She takes a step nearer, about to place a hand on Chloe's back. She reconsiders quickly. 'Chloe, look, can we talk?'
Chloe suddenly straightens her back, spinning around. There's a fake smile on her face. 'Yes, we can! In fact, let's start with you butting in just now when I was talking to Aubrey.'
Beca blinks, injured by Chloe's words and the way she's speaking to her. 'Butting in? Chloe, I was just trying to help.'
'I know everyone thinks I can't handle confrontation on my own because I try my best to be nice to people and see the good in them, but I'm a grown woman.' Chloe's fists clench into balls at her sides. 'I can do things on my own.'
Beca stumbles back, upset. 'That wasn't what I was doing… I knew you could handle it, I just -'
'Just what? Tried to jump in and fight my own battles for me? Beca, you hated when Aubrey tried to do that on my behalf, and so do I,' says Chloe. 'I can do things on my own, you know, even if everyone thinks otherwise.' She shoots a glare in Aubrey's direction.
'I don't think that…'
'But you do,' Chloe interrupts, 'or you wouldn't have gotten involved.'
Try as Beca might, but she can't help that her walls come sliding right back up, retreating back into herself from all the chastisement. 'Okay,' she responds coolly. Chloe catches her tone and rolls her eyes.
'Don't get all moody with me, please. I can't deal with this right now.'
'Oh, and by "this", you mean me, right?' Beca means to sneer or at the very least sound sarcastic, but mostly just comes across as whiny and hurt. 'Because I didn't want to kiss you when you sprung it on me first thing in the morning? I mean, that's the real issue here, isn't it? '
'No, of course not, I just…'
'You don't have to explain. I get it,' Beca says coldly. 'You don't want me to defend you? You can't stand being just friends with me if I can't be more right now? Alright. Then I won't bother.'
'Beca, just stop,' says Chloe abruptly. 'I have got a lot going on and I do not need you adding to it by getting all huffy on me for no reason.'
She turns on her heel and storms back over to Aubrey, who Beca gets the feeling has been watching the entire time.
'Fine!' Beca yells after her, cursing herself for feeling tears springing to her eyes. 'Whatever! I'm leaving anyway, see if I care!'
After this, Beca would storm off, but halfway through that realise she's being a bit of a nob. She would then turn up at Chloe's dorm with coffee. Talking, comforting and sex would be had. Except I'm lying, as there would be no sex, only tears.
Chapter 6: Beca makes self-indulgent mixes because she's just that emo. It's a short one, I just found the idea of Beca doing this amusing. Also, she saves stuff as .wav. What's up with that? Also FFN seems to hate me and keeps mangling the song titles, so they're not formatted like they should be.
When Chloe leaves, Beca doesn't go back to practice or explain to Aubrey. She just sits in the bathroom, staring at the walls for a good ten minutes before anyone comes in and expresses surprise at seeing a tearful freshman sitting on the floor.
She stumbles home after that. There's no calling Jesse, or her parents, or even exchanging a sarcastic word with Kimmy Jin when she glances impatiently over her shoulder to see Beca grabbing her Mac and leaving the room straight afterwards.
She makes mixes in the pool until her eyes sting and her laptop runs low on battery, giving them titles that are initially therapeutic but just end up sad and pathetic: I_hate_everything .wav , Why_are_relationships_hard. wav , My_life_is_over .wav , First_world_problems .wav
From the final chapter – after Chloe says her line about wanting being a different story to being able to.
'Not that again,' Beca groans, making Chloe laugh breathlessly.
'Sorry. But it's true.'
'I don't know if I want to do that.'
Chloe nods. 'Okay. If that's what's making you feel better, then we can stay like this.'
'Yes. For as long as you need. I promise. I don't mind.'
Beca's brow wrinkles. 'You're not like… getting turned on by this, are you?'
That makes Chloe laugh again; Beca can feel her muscles ripple with the movement, in such a place that she loses her thoughts for a moment. 'Beca, everything about you turns me on. I'd be lying if I said this was different.'
'You're such a weirdo.'
Beca expects Chloe to say "But in the best way possible" or some variant of that, but instead she says, 'But I'm your weirdo.'
It makes Beca blink, the meaning taking a moment to filter through her foggy brain. Beca says hoarsely, 'You're mine?' The words send a tingle through her spine.
'Yes,' says Chloe, her gaze turning serious again. 'I'm yours.'
'No one else's?'
'No one else's.'
'Not Jesse's, or Aubrey's, or Tom's?' she asks, unconsciously leaning in again.
'No, I'm not theirs. I'm yours.' Chloe flexes her fingers again. 'If you want me.'
Cut from the final chapter – Chloe initially didn't have any idea what to do with Beca's panic attack, so she has to call Aubrey for help. Later, Aubrey and Jesse turn up at the room.
'Oh my God,' she hears Chloe say, then hears movement; she's not sure what Chloe's doing, but is struggling to concentrate or care when tears are streaming down her cheeks and she's still struggling to catch her breath. 'Aubrey? I'm fine, it's, it's Beca. Please, I need your help, she's … I don't know what's happening, I think she's having a panic attack and - and I don't know what to do! What?' she says tearfully. 'But I – okay, wait, wait, okay. Beca?' Chloe scrabbles uselessly at Beca's wrist, trying to get her attention. 'Beca, Aubrey is going to help you.'
Chloe suddenly holds the phone to Beca's ear, and Beca is greeted with the calm but direct tones of Aubrey Posen, cutting through the fog in her brain.
'Listen to me, Beca,' says Aubrey, her voice very even and direct. 'Concentrate on my voice, okay? Don't think about anything else You're okay. Nothing's going to happen to you, just concentrate on my voice.'
Chloe tries to rub her back or something, but Beca shies away. She presses the phone to her face, trying to concentrate on Aubrey, to calm down – anything to make this feeling go away.
There is a knock at the door; Chloe gets up to answer it. While her back is turned, Beca quickly and silently goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind her.
She washes her face, trying to wipe off some of her smudged make up. She looks into the mirror and sighs; she looks an absolute mess.
From the voices outside, she can tell Jesse and Aubrey have arrived; she can hear Jesse beginning to shout. She creeps towards the door and listens in.
'What the hell did you do to her?!' she hears Jesse cry.
'I didn't do anything!'
'You must have done something, she doesn't just have panic attacks for nothing.'
'We were just kissing -'
'Just kissing?! Did you just jump her? No wonder she freaked out!'
'She kissed me, Jesse! I would never, ever try and force something like that on her!'
'Bullshit! That's never stopped you in the past, has it?'
'How dare you! You have a lot of nerve saying that to me!'
'Guys, will you calm down?! Beca can hear you in there!' That's Aubrey this time, for once the mediator between Chloe and someone else rather than the reverse. 'You aren't helping by arguing with each other.'
'We wouldn't be arguing if Jesse didn't come in here automatically pointing fingers!'
'I wouldn't have to point fingers if there was no one to blame! But there is, and it's you!'
There's suddenly a pounding at the bathroom door, making Beca jump. 'Beca!' Aubrey hollers, giving it another bang for good measure. 'Unlock this door right now and come out here!'
Beca opens the door. 'It wasn't even locked,' she replies dully.
'… Oh,' says Aubrey sheepishly. 'I just assumed you would've… Never mind. Come sit down. How are you feeling?' she asks gently, guiding Beca to the bed.
'Alright…' says Beca slowly. She looks at Aubrey. 'Why are you being nice to me?'
'Someone has to.' She shoots a nasty look at Jesse and Chloe, who look appropriately guilty.
The 'castle scene', in its original and full form – you might've seen some of it in this format on Tumblr. They're drunk. I have no idea why.
'It's okay to have walls, you know. Everyone has them. You, Aubrey, my mom, Jesse, Benji…'
'And what about you?' asks Beca, turning her head to the side to look at Chloe. 'Do you? Have walls, I mean.'
Chloe turns too, smiling. 'Sure I do. A stone fortress of optimism and positivity.'
Beca ponders this. 'So… all that cheery, happy-go-lucky, "woo, I'm so perky!" stuff is just a front?'
'I didn't say that. A front would imply it was fake. I happen to be genuinely cheery, happy-go-lucky and "woo I'm so perky!". Thanks for that horrible imitation of my personality, by the way,' Chloe adds, poking Beca in the shoulder. 'Kinda offended.'
'I didn't say it was a bad thing,' Beca protests. 'But what do you mean it's not fake if those are the "walls" you have put up?'
'I mean that there are other parts of me that aren't always on show for everyone, but that doesn't mean what I show the rest of the world isn't genuine or part of me.' She tilts her head a little, regarding Beca curiously. 'I suppose the same could be said for you.'
'It's like...' Chloe thinks for a moment, narrowing her eyes in tipsy concentration, before her face lights up. 'Okay – uh, pretend you're a castle.' Beca presses her lips together in an effort not to laugh. Chloe struggles to keep a straight face as well. 'No, Humour me, c'mon.'
'Right. I am a castle.' Beca raises her arms. 'See how castle-like I'm being? I hope you're impressed.'
Her snark earns her a jab in the side. 'You're a dork. Why anyone thinks you're a bad-ass, I have no idea.'
'I can be a bad-ass dork,' Beca argues. 'They're not mutually exclusive. Anyway, go on – I was being a castle.' She holds her arms up again, a diligently stern expression on her face, as befitting a fortified structure of her calibre.
Chloe snorts. 'Right. Anyway, so the whole of you is the "Beca Castle". You've got stone walls, a moat, machine guns on top. The whole package. No one can get in without being shot or something.'
'Wait, wait. A moat and machine guns? What century was Beca Castle built, exactly?'
'Shut up, let me finish. So there's all the people inside Beca Castle, right, they're all fine, but there's people outside trying to get in. So the people inside the castle are firing at them, trying to make them go away, because they don't know the outside people and they might want to cause trouble. So to get into the castle, people need to show that they're one of them – that they're on the side of those… inside.' Chloe trails off a little. 'Do you see what I'm trying to say?'
Beca looks deep into Chloe's eyes, seeing the earnest care and love there. It's kind of overwhelming.
Chloe groans, burying her face in her hands. 'You're impossible!'
'No, I'm not! You're just terrible at metaphors!'
Chloe removes her hands and glares at Beca. 'What I was trying to say is that your "walls" and being cautious to let people in is all a part of you, and it'd be stupid to try and change you or force you to open up to me. That's who you are. All I want is to prove to you that you can trust me. Like the outside Beca Castle people, y'know?'
'Not really, but okay.' But Beca's grinning, showing that she's mostly just teasing now.
Chloe huffs. 'You suck.' She turns her back on Beca, who is stifling chuckles.
'Aw, Chlo. Don't be like that.'
Chloe simply 'hmmph's in response, flicking her hair back over her shoulder.
At this point, Beca isn't really sure if Chloe is actually upset or not, but she does get the feeling that she's a little embarrassed. There was some sort of caring confession in that weird little ramble about castles, and even though Beca doesn't quite understand, she did get the line about not trying to change her or force her to open up. About proving that she can trust Chloe.
And if Beca's honest with herself (which is rare) Chloe's actually doing a damn good job at that. Better than anyone else she's ever known. Maybe she can let her in… A little.
Biting her lip, Beca puts her hand on Chloe's shoulder, feeling the other girl immediately go rigid. After a slight pause, she runs her hand down Chloe's arm, finding her hand and joining their fingers together on the grass.
Beca's heart still hammers in her chest like it used to, but there's none of the squeezing panic she used to feel. Just Chloe's hand, a little damp (or is that hers?) but solid and comforting and just… Chloe. There's nothing to worry about. It's just Chloe.
The revelation calms her, and she shifts closer, knees touching the back of Chloe's legs.
'I kinda get it,' she whispers, close to Chloe's ear. 'And thank you.'
Chloe squeezes her hand back.
Just a little excerpt from Chloe's chapter… I find my own jokes funny.
Aubrey still gets weirded out by it sometimes when Chloe gets too gropey, but for the most part she puts up with it in a way that people generally don't. For the most part when Chloe gets too close, people usually push her away gently with an awkward smile, but Aubrey tends to let Chloe hang off her like a damp dishrag, or her very own personal koala.
Chloe can't resist singing in conversations. It's funny because someone reviewed and asked me to include this song in the fic and I'd already had this written… Also, I'm sad I never got this dialogue into the fic, because Chloe's whole 'fantasy' about being Beca's only exception was the driving force behind most of what I did with her in the earlier chapters.
'No… Don't be. I was being stupid. It's like…' Chloe casts around for a way to explain. 'You know that whole fantasy some girls have about changing the bad boy, about being the only one they'll change for?'
'Are you saying I'm a bad boy?' Beca raises an eyebrow. 'Because I'm not sure how to feel about that.'
'No!' Chloe shoves her, making Beca smile a little. 'I'm just saying, that's the kind of stupidity my thought process came from. I guess I wanted to change you… be the only exception.' Chloe's eyes light up. 'Hey –'
'No Paramore right now,' Beca interrupts.
'You suck,' says Chloe with a pout.
'You love it, though.'
Chloe smiles broadly. 'Yeah.' The way she says it so simply and honestly makes Beca shake her head, but smile. 'Anyway,' she continues. 'What was I saying before you interrupted my musical interlude?'
'Something about being my only exception.'
'Oh, yeah. Well, turns out, you're surprisingly more complicated than that, and I shouldn't have just tried to shoulder my way in through your walls like that.'
'It's okay,' says Beca. Because it is.
'I'm not giving up, though.'
'What do you mean?'
'I'm going to find my way through your walls eventually. Even if holding your hand and hugs isn't the way to do it.'
From Chapter 3, after they make up and go to the coffee shop. Wow, wasn't that a while ago?! Again, me being amused by my own jokes.
'Bec, I really am so glad we're talking and joking again,' says Chloe. 'You don't know how badly I feel about everything that happened.'
'Aubrey said you cried and "practically flooded the apartment", so I have some idea,' comments Beca wryly.
'She said that? Wow, talk about exaggerating. There was no flooding,' Chloe says indignantly. '… Just some minor puddles.'
'Puddles, huh? I hope Aubrey was the one that had to clean them up.'
'Oh, totally. And then she made me sleep in the bathtub because I was making such a mess.'
Here's a big one: back in the beginning, the ending of the fic was WAY different. Basically, Chloe was going to kiss Beca after the performance, Beca would run away, and well – you'll see. So the kiss narration is basically the same as it is in the final chapter, except for this bit:
Beca is running away before half of these thoughts really register in her mind, before she realises, shit, she actually wanted to stay, more than anything, and she wanted more than anything to kiss Chloe back, but did neither of these things.
She hasn't changed a bit.
Surprisingly, Jesse is the one to find her, curled up half in a ball outside. She kind of collapsed on a tiny patch of grass just outside the door and started crying like a loser, loud, noisy, pathetic tears that rack her body from head to toe. His shoes crunch in the gravel as he makes his way over to her.
'Hey, Beca. Having a party?'
'Go away,' says Beca, her voice muffled in the grass.
'But you look like you're having such a great time out here. I want to join you.' He sits down in the mud next to her, not caring about getting his clothes dirty. 'You guys won, you know.'
'You know, for a sec there I thought you were singing to me. What with using that song from The Breakfast Club and all. You know it's my favourite.'
'I just liked the film and the song, and Aubrey thought it'd bring in some nostalgia in the audience,' she mumbles, because talking about stupid things with Jesse is much easier than having to face the fact she's a complete asshole.
'Damnit. Here's me thinking you'd switched teams for me.' He puts his arm around her, dragging her up from the foetal position she was in and tugging her into his lap. Leaning her head on his shoulder, Beca thinks, not for the first time, that hugging him is so different to be being held by Chloe. It's not just the physical differences, either. Jesse never makes her feel like her heart is going to explode in her chest, or like
'Why couldn't I love you instead, Jesse?' she mumbles. 'It'd be so much easier.'
Jesse chuckles, a little sadly. 'Don't say things like that, Beca. You'll make a guy hopeful.' He squeezes her shoulders. 'So you do love her then?'
She wipes her face with her fingers. 'I dunno. How do you know when you're in love with someone?'
'I think you just know.' When Beca scoffs, he continues earnestly, 'No, really. Don't overthink it. What do you feel for her?'
'A lot of things…' she says slowly. 'I dunno, Jess. Stuff.'
'Humour me here. Tell me what goes through the brain of Beca Mitchell when I mention Chloe Beale.'
Beca takes a deep breath and releases it. Well, she can't get any more pathetic. 'I wanna be near her all the time. I wanna make sappy love mixes with her name on them and play them just to make her smile. I wanna grab her and kiss her randomly, in really stupid places.'
Jesse raises an eyebrow. 'Kinda like Chloe did, huh?
'… Yeah.' She sighs. 'I really messed up, this time, didn't I?'
'A little, but I'm sure Chloe will forgive you.'
'That's just the thing, though. She's always had to forgive me for all the shitty stuff I've done to her and I never really learned from my mistakes and stopped running away. She just kept taking me back when she should've been making me beg for her forgiveness. I don't deserve her. At all.'
Jesse gets to his feet and holds his hand out to her. She looks up at him questioningly. 'I don't think you deserve her when you're sitting here moping in the grass with me instead of telling her your feelings,' he tells her honestly. 'We're gonna get you cleaned up and rested, and then you can go get your girl.'
Beca, horrifyingly, finds her eyes filling with tears. 'You're a good friend, y'know that?'
He grins and pulls her to her feet. 'Good lesbro, more like.'
Once Jesse has called a cab and deposited her in her hotel bed, she falls asleep almost immediately, drifting in and out of dozing. Jesse tries to wake her a few times without success; she just swats him away.
A knock at the door barely rouses her, but she hears Jesse open it and begin speaking to whoever is there in a frantic whisper.
'Aubrey, I'm not sure she wants to speak to you right now…' she hears in her half asleep daze. 'For one thing, she's kinda asleep…'
'This is urgent,' she hears Aubrey say sharply. 'Let me speak to her.'
Jesse's next words kind of warm Beca's heart. His tone turns stern and she imagines him frowning down at Aubrey. 'Look, she's sorry, okay? She knows she messed up, but she's a wreck right now so it'd be best if everyone just left her alone. She and Chloe need some space, and then they can sort things out in their own time. We should all just butt out.'
'I'm not here to read her the riot act. Let me though, please.' Jesse gives a little noise of protest and Beca guesses she's finally pushed past him. 'Beca, get up now.'
'Go away, Aubrey.'
'No. You're getting up now.' Aubrey pulls the sheets off Beca, making her yelp and jump back up the bed.
'Aubrey, get lost!'
'Beca, I need to tell you something -'
'No, you don't,' Beca interrupts. 'You don't need to tell me anything. I get it, alright? I'm a total loser and I do not need you to come here and tell me I'm not good enough for her. I know that, okay? I know! I have these stupid problems with touching which I've been using as an excuse to get my way in everything. I've been a horrible friend to Chloe. I know that so much, now. And I swear to you, Aubrey – you can have this in writing and may my vocal cords be ripped out by wolves if I'm lying or whatever - I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make it to her, if you just let me have this one nap.'
Silence falls in the room for several moments. Eventually, Aubrey sucks in a breath and lets it out through her nose. 'That was very touching, Beca. But, I'm afraid we have a bigger problem here.'
'What's that?' says Beca, rolling her eyes.
'We can't find Chloe.'
Yep. Chloe was supposed to go 'missing' and Beca would freak out, naturally, and then eventually she and Aubrey would get a call from a really angry Jesse telling them to come back.
It would turn out the Bellas all locked Chloe in a room and told Aubrey she was missing so they could get Beca and Chloe back together again. Yeah, I know. I'm glad I didn't use this either. LOL. Here's a bit from Jesse's call:
'Jesse? What's up? Has there been any news on Chloe?'
'Erm… in a manner of speaking, yes,' she hears him say hesitantly.
'What does that mean?'
'It means… Beca, I think you should just get back here, and then I'll explain, okay?'
'No! Is she hurt? You tell me right now, Jesse Swanson, or so fucking help me -'
'She's fine, Beca, I swear!' Beca nearly falls over with relief. 'She was never actually gone in the first place.'
Look, just get here, okay?'
'What was that about?' asks Aubrey, frowning.
Beca smiles grimly and starts to make her way back to the hotel. 'I have no idea, and I think I'm going to regret finding out.'
And here's when Chloe and Beca meet again:
Chloe stands in the middle of the room, her arms folded across her chest and gripping the bicep of either arm. There are lit candles everywhere, and the lights are dimmed, and the curtains drawn.
Beca nearly bolts there and then, but then, Chloe puts up a hand. 'Please hear me out before you say anything. First off, none of this was me,' she says, pointing at the decorations. 'I don't know what they were all thinking, honestly.'
'That this is a movie, apparently,' Beca says wryly.
'Apparently. Secondly, I'm so sorry that I pushed things. I shouldn't have kissed you like that in front of everyone, especially not without your permission. I got caught up in the moment and I shouldn't have done it. But I thought we were getting somewhere, I thought you were letting me in…'
Chloe has begun pacing, looking frustrated.
Suddenly she stops in the middle of the carpet and spins, then says, 'Beca. You must know how in love with you I am.' When Beca's surprise apparently shows on her face she goes on, 'Don't even try to look shocked. You must know I'd do absolutely anything for you. I have been doing absolutely anything I could for you, and it turns out, 'scuse the language, it's causing me to be a fucking idiot.'
Beca blinks, taken aback by Chloe's honesty.
'I've been so stupid, this whole time. I think I had this romantic notion in my head - I thought I could push past your bubbles with hugs and touching and stuff, that you might let me in somehow… like I'd be different, an exception for you.' She laughs a little tearfully, scrubbing at her cheek with the back of her hand. 'Ridiculous, right?'
'It's not ridiculous,' she says, completely honestly. Because Chloe is different. She is an exception. Not because Beca is comfortable letting Chloe touch her, but because she was the first person to give enough of a damn to respect whether she was comfortable or not.
'Yes it is. I said I didn't want you to change, but there I was, secretly hoping you would. Just for me.' She shakes her head. 'I'm a fucking fool.'
'I'm sorry,' says Beca helplessly.
'You don't need to be.' Chloe breathes out, ruffling her hair. She shuts her eyes and whispers, 'I just wish I knew how to make you happy, Beca. That's all I want. That's all I ever wanted.'
It's about then that it really hits Beca how fucked up the way she's been treating Chloe is. First pushing her away, then confusing her by setting boundaries and breaking them and putting them back up when she felt like it. Essentially luring Chloe in, making her jump through countless hoops just to please her when it would never be enough. She's made Chloe cry countless times. She ran away when Chloe kissed her, even though she'd basically been dropping hints and wanting Chloe to do it for ages now.
Beca actually feels physically ill.
She is an awful human being.
A tear trickles down her cheek, followed by another, then more, and more until she's sobbing silently, biting her down on her hand to keep in her cries. Chloe hasn't noticed yet, still with her eyes closed and a hand pressed to her face.
'God,' she chokes out eventually, unable to keep the noises in. Chloe's eyes fly open, her expression becoming one of alarm when she sees how hard Beca is crying. 'Chloe. Chloe, Chlo, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.'
'Oh, Beca! Oh sweetie… What on Earth do you have to be sorry about?' Chloe's hands are useless, twitching at her sides – she doesn't know what to do with them, when Beca knows that in any normal situation she would probably be holding Beca right now. That makes her cry harder, bent almost double until she's leaning her forehead on Chloe's shoulder.
'Please hold me,' she begs, pride completely out of the window.
Tentatively, arms come up around her back and wrap around her. 'I've got you,' Chloe whispers into her ear. 'I've got you. I won't let you go.'
Misc scenes that I intended to write but never did/didn't write enough of so I can't put them in here:
- Beca giving Chloe a mix as a Christmas present. She spends a while trying to think what to give her, and in the end Kimmy Jin is like 'DO THAT DJ THING FOR HER YOU STUPID WHITE GIRL'.
- Beca and Chloe having an entire conversation online, while on Spring Break. Most of this is Chloe sending emoticons
- Kate returning. DUM DUM DUM. This was before I wrote Chloe's chapter, so she was a little more… stable. And she wasn't a bitch at all.
- I meant to write a parallel chapter to Chloe's about what Beca was doing, but it was honestly just a whole chapter of her missing Chloe with an argument with Jesse in the middle, so that was scrapped quickly.
- Beca having dinner with her father and Sheila and revealing she's actually Superman. By which I mean, she comes out of the closet for real.
- A scene where Beca finds out from Luke that Kate is engaged (yes, this is before I wrote Chloe's chapter again), and in trying to comfort Chloe about it, accidentally tells her when she didn't even know in the first place.
- A lot more random making out. Oops! Guess you guys will never see that ;)
… Oh, okay… fine. Here you go:
Beca grabs her, tangling a hand into Chloe's hair and unceremoniously crushing their lips together. She feels more than hears Chloe moan, through the slight vibration that seems to pass through Chloe's mouth right through Beca's body and all the way down to her toes.
Rising up in Chloe's lap, she plants one leg on either side of her, while Chloe's hands gravitate immediately to her hips, digging into her skin unconsciously when the hint of a tongue skims her bottom lip. Every movement and the push and pull of their mouths together seems to incite a new high pitched noise from Chloe, and Beca takes great pleasure in experimenting so she can find out what causes what note to be emitted. A low C here when Beca flicks her tongue over Chloe's, a pitchy A when her teeth drag over said tongue and hold it captive between her lips. Chloe seems absolutely helpless to her whims, and the rush of power Beca feels from that knowledge is astonishing.
Eventually they both reluctantly have to break for air. Beca lets her forehead fall to Chloe's shoulder, feeling Chloe trembling – she's actually trembling, good God – underneath her.
'Oh my God,' Chloe says, letting out a long breath, her chest heaving in a way that really shouldn't be quite so attractive. 'God. Fuck.'
'Are you alright?' Beca asks, fighting an amused smile.
'Yes. I am so good right now,' Chloe says in hushed tones. 'I could do that with you for forever.' She lies back carefully so Beca still straddles her waist, letting out another extended exhale that turns into a satisfied moan halfway through. 'Jesus.'
'Did I break you?' Beca teases, lifting her head up and inspect the damage she's done to Chloe. 'All I did was kiss you.'
'All?' Chloe says incredulously. 'For someone that's never kissed a girl, you are a fantastic kisser.'
'It's probably all the build up. The novelty will wear off soon.'
A/N: AND THAT'S IT FOR YUM GUYS - FOR REALS NOW. I thought you might appreciate me leaving it on this note. ;)
I LOVE YOU ALL