I have this obsession with Paily's first time. I have a long-standing internal struggle as to the "when" so to shake it up, instead of it being after the knifing, I wrote this! Emily's face as she closes that door and her complete and total faith in Paige in the next episode inspired this. (I apologize in advance; I haven't done this in a while.)
"Then I thought, 'If I disappeared forever, she would win.' and I wouldn't let her win. I couldn't."
I tried to fight it, the tears. To let her see me this way was my worst fear. Vulnerable, scared. I never wanted her to know that side of me. I never wanted to tell her about Alison or the bullying. I never wanted her to know what I was capable of doing to myself. How could she ever love someone so damaged?
Still, she was here, on her porch, arms wrapped around me and I couldn't stop crying. Everything had been laid out; I was completely exposed and she just held me.
I wasn't alone anymore and at that very moment I knew it and loved her even more for making me feel safe and unscarred.
I let go and just keep sobbing into her, letting it all out. As I wept harder, she held me closer.
Eventually, the crying slowed until it stopped altogether. I pulled away enough to look her in the eye, not completely leaving the embrace, and she looked at me like I had never been looked at before. She looked at me with compassion and love. She looked at me like she was incredibly sorry. Sorry for what, I didn't know, but it was almost enough for me to start crying all over again.
Instead, she kissed me. She kissed me as if she wanted to take all of my pain away. I got lost in the kiss. Everything faded away as her hands cradled my face and her thumb brushed over my tear-covered cheek.
I wanted her. I wanted nothing more than to stay right here with her. Forever.
Reality, as it always does, broke through and she pulled away, resting her forehead against mine.
"I'm sorry, Paige. I'm so sorry I didn't know. I'm so sorry she did those things to you. If I had known…"
"Emily no," I said as I sat up, "it was all her. She was who she was and…"
"She's done a lot of damage, but I don't think I will ever be able to think of her the same. I'll never forgive her for hurting you. I don't want anything to hurt you. Ever."
There was that look again and I melted.
I looked at her. I mean really looked at her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I had always thought so, but in that moment I wanted to burst from being so near to something so beautiful.
I had completely lost control and she was still here. Somehow all of this had brought us closer, binding us together more than ever before.
My breathing had steadied now and I leaned back to catch my breath. She checked her phone and then promptly looked back at me.
"No I'm good," I said as I grabbed her knee to let her know I was okay. "I'm gonna go wash my face."
When I came back, Emily was standing in the yard. I heard a vibration and as I looked down I saw Emily's phone. Spencer's picture flashed on the screen. I was so angry; I picked up the phone and 'ignored' the call. Emily's friends had done enough damage for one night. To me and, more importantly, to Emily. No more. I wouldn't let them hurt her.
She came back to the porch and took her phone as I picked up the mugs and followed her into the house.
As we walked to the kitchen to clean up, we both stayed quiet as she took the mugs and put them in the sink.
"Emily," I whispered. "I'm sorry about everything. I shouldn't have pushed to go with you. I shouldn't have put all of that..."
"No," she interrupted, finally turning to look at me. She pulled me to her, brow furrowed. She was suddenly very serious. "You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing. So don't."
She looked at me, serious. She looked at me like she was trying to see into me, like she was trying to read my every thought through my eyes. There was only one thing to do to show her what I was feeling.
I kissed her.
I kissed her like I never had before. It was hungry and full of longing. The kiss was me trying to soothe us both, fix the mess all around us.
She must have been feeling it too because she pushed me against the counter and kissed me just as fiercely.
We stood there like this, a mess of tongues, lips, and teeth until she pulled away and another new look covered her face. Her eyes were dilated and she was breathing heavily. "Paige," she whispered. "I want you. All of you."
I searched her face looking for some sign as to what she was actually implying and then it became clear. I hesitated and she started to back away, but I grabbed her and held her in place.
"I want you too."
We just stood there, taking in what had just been agreed upon, and looked at each other. Our breathing heavy and our eyes locked. She, as always, came to me first. She kissed me again and because of the reality of what was about to happen, I moaned. I moaned into her mouth and then she kissed me harder. I was turned on like I had never been before. I felt a flutter and a rush of blood. I felt dizzy, spinning with every emotion and this newly found level of arousal.
"Upstairs?" she questioned, still looking for any hint of insight into exactly what I was thinking. She was looking for even the slightest sign of hesitation.
All I could think to do was take her hand. I took it and started for the bedroom. Her mother was away and the only sounds around us were our breathing and footsteps.
We got to her room, stepped inside and she closed the door, shutting the world out. We walked to the bed and she backed us up until I was sitting on the edge, her standing above me, our hands never unlocking.
She took my other hand as well and latched it to hers as she spoke in a whisper, "We don't have to. Tonight has been so intense, so draining. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."
I swallowed hard and looked up at her.
"Emily, I want you. All of you. I want you to see me. Especially tonight."
She smiled the most beautifully sincere smile I had ever seen. Then, I swallowed hard again and continued, "I've never…"
"Can we just…take it slow? I don't want…" I inhaled sharply, trying to steady myself as my nerves won over and I started to tremble. "I don't want you to be disappointed."
"You could never disappoint me."
Her facial expression shifted from one of concentration and conflict to adoration. Then, she let go of my hands and brought them to rest on my neck, pulling me to her, the way she always did. We kissed, lips pressing together and our tongues meeting each other's. We couldn't stop. We couldn't pull away. An urgency developed and I wanted to take her right then.
We pulled away, breathless. We were breathing heavily and as our eyes locked she slowly slipped her jacket off and then grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head. Now just in her bra, she looked at me, her cheeks flushed. Then, she moved forward and connected our lips again.
My hands were at my sides and tentatively I reached up and around and placed my hands on her back. She shivered as I ran them up and down and then slowly around to her stomach. I trailed upward to her breasts and eased over them. She broke the kiss long enough to let my name slip out of her mouth, "Paige…"
She pushed me back further on the bed and crawled on top of me, her leg between mine, our centers grinding into each other. Our bodies wanted more, needed more.
We began kissing again and she reached down to the button of my pants and undid it. Then she pulled back and pushed my jacket off. I sat us up and helped her and then she pulled my shirt up and over my head, tossing it to the floor. She smiled and kissed my lips softly. She trailed off and started kissing my jawline, behind my ear, and down my neck. Her tongue slipped out and nipped at my body. As she got to my breasts, it was my turn to stutter out her name. "Emily…"
I felt her grin into my chest and then slowly she reached under me and undid my bra. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and again tried to steady myself. I was falling to pieces, trembling and chilled.
She slid my bra off and despite all that had been shared not even an hour before, this was even more exposing. My instinct was to cover up, but my thoughts clouded over when she took my breast into her mouth.
"Fuck," I groaned as I arched off the bed.
She toyed with me, sucking and nipping. After, she started to kiss lower and lower until I looked down and saw nothing but the top of her head. My first instinct was to panic and stop. I was so scared and my heart was beating so hard I thought I was going to pass out.
As her hands reached the top of my pants, she looked up at me. "Do you trust me?"
I didn't hesitate and immediately responded, "Completely."
She smiled and let out a deep breath. I swear I could see a little hint of anxiety in her eyes. She was nervous too. Somehow, that fact calmed me. She unzipped my pants and l looked down at her, watching her every move. She started sliding them down as she licked her lips. She bit her bottom lip as she sat back to pull them off. With heavy eyes she looked down at me and I looked back, silently giving her permission to continue.
She stood up and tugged my pants off. As she now had a complete view of me laying practically naked on her bed, the moonlight from the windows suddenly felt like a spotlight on every part of me. I started to tremble more as the weight and intensity of her gaze took in every inch of me. I looked away and her voice rang out, "Look at me, Paige."
I closed my eyes and sighed, knowing it was useless to fight it. I opened them to make contact with hers. She then reached behind her back and undid her own bra. I was in awe. I was completely stunned at her beauty. Her hair flowed down around her and she was topless in front of me. Both of us equally exposed.
I had to touch her. I had to feel her.
I sat up and she took my hand as I pulled her back on top of me, my hand instantly connecting with her chest. She moaned into my mouth at the contact. She kissed me harder with every movement I made.
Feeling bolder now, I slowly started easing my hands down her sides to her ass. I squeezed and unintentionally pulled her hips down on my center. We both moaned, her head dropping to my shoulder and my head falling to hers. She shifted, placing her hands on either side of my head, propped up above me, her hair falling around us.
She stared down at me, her eyes glazed over, her mouth open slightly. Then, she started sliding our bodies together. She moved back and forth with her hips, rubbing us together through the thin layer of underwear still between us.
We were lost in each other. Our eyes, no longer able to stay open, slammed shut, and we just let every ounce of pleasure we were feeling wash over us. She leaned down and we brought our foreheads together, never stopping the motion of our hips.
I had never felt so turned on. I felt her arousal on me and the knots in my stomach pulled tighter. I was getting so near something that I had never experienced with someone else before. I had never been this far with anyone. I had never felt the way she was making me feel.
Her hips stopped suddenly and she tried to catch her breath. I looked up at her questioningly, but her eyes were still shut, seemingly trying to gain some control over what she was feeling.
"Slowly..." She opened her eyes and looked at me, bashfully.
I didn't know what to say. Honestly, I didn't really know what to do. I didn't want her to stop. "Slowly" had been disregarded in my mind the moment she undid her bra.
She kissed me softly and then moved her lips to my neck and shoulder. As she did, she lifted and dragged one hand down my side causing me to arch my hips up and more directly into her. She groaned, but continued moving her hand downwards. She finally reached my underwear and pulled at them, removing them agonizingly slow, her eyes looking down at her hand.
My heart, which was already pounding, picked up its pace once more and I blushed all over as she leaned back to pull the garment down my legs and then off of me completely. My center was without any barriers now and as she pressed back down against me a noise I had never heard before left my mouth.
"Are you okay? " She stammered into my ear.
"Yes. Just please…don't…stop." I barely breathed the sentence out as I reached down and started pulling her underwear down, impatiently. She lifted and helped ease them off of her.
When her leg fell back between mine, we both moaned so loudly it was almost a scream. She didn't move her hips like before, instead she pulled me into another kiss. She shifted slightly and ran her hand between us, sliding her fingers against me.
I broke the kiss and cried out her name. My eyes slammed shut and she started touching me. Rubbing and teasing. She increased the pressure she was applying and then slid her middle finger lower, deeper, until she slipped inside. I inhaled almost painfully. My hands that rested on her back and ass dug into her, making her cry out with me.
She stopped her movements but didn't pull out, as she whispered to me, "Look at me."
I wanted to stay in control. My entire life had been about control, but I was losing this battle. I was coming undone, letting go like I had on the porch. Her request cleared the fog slightly and I slowly opened my eyes. Her eyes were so dark but as the moonlight hit them a certain way they almost sparkled.
She lightly grazed her lips over mine, an 'almost' kiss that made me long for more. She pulled away ever so slightly and lingered there, our heavy breathing mixed together, we were staring at each other as she slid another finger inside of me.
As my eyes fluttered shut, her words ran through my mind and I opened them to meet her gaze.
She pushed in and out. Slowly. Tenderly.
I was gripping her, pulling her closer to me. As I got closer to completely losing control, letting go, I saw the lust in her eyes, moved one hand to cradle her face, and whispered, "I want to touch you."
I wanted to come with her. I wanted to feel her tremble and hear her scream. I wanted to touch her like she was touching me.
I kissed her and moved my hand slowly between us. My hand reached her and I ran it up and down, feeling her. As I made contact, she screamed and let out a guttural moan that was muffled into the crook of my neck. She was so wet, so ready. I had never felt anything like it in my life. So soft, so warm. Her wetness covered my fingers.
Her motions were slower now, but her pace resumed as I moved my hand up and down. Finally, I dipped into her, my fingers curling inside. Her head fell onto my shoulder and mine to hers as we grabbed onto each other, curling together as we strained to give and receive pleasure. We rocked and pressed deeper inside one another, rubbing and teasing each other with our thumbs. We whimpered and moaned. We choked out profanities and let each other's names fall from our mouths.
Our actions were synchronized. We worked together like we had a million times in the water. Nothing but us and the wetness, hidden from the world.
Breathing and moaning, working each other up. Everything was wet and moving and as we both started to tense we pulled back enough to look at each other. Our eyes met. We held our breath and then let go. Together. I couldn't think of anything else. I was blinded by pleasure, blinded by Emily. I was free and she was right there by my side, grunting and holding onto me too.
As we calmed and the aftershocks of our orgasms settled, we lay there for a minute inside each other, trying to catch our breath. She kissed my cheek and moved to place soft pecks along my jawline, my neck, my shoulder and then finally my lips.
I pulled out of her, my hand coming to rest on her cheek. I was staring at her with wonder and complete astonishment about what had just happened between us. I had never loved anything so much in my life. She smiled down at me as she pulled her hand back up between us and cradled my face. She kissed me softly again. My scent was on her fingers and as she moved them to my lips, my mouth opened to gently lick them. She was staring down at me with such amazement, watching me taste myself.
She withdrew her fingers from my mouth, and kissed me lightly as we both finally relaxed down onto the bed. She wasn't on top of me anymore, but beside me. I turned to look at her, brushing her messy hair from her face and intertwining our limbs.
"Are you okay?"
Her concern for me and the look in her eye caused a happiness in me that filled me as full as her fingers had moments before.
I simply grinned and kissed her again.
Welp. There it is. Continue? Yes? No?