ALICIA'S ADVENTURES IN NATHANIEL LAND
By Delia Lavender
I do not own the T.V. series "Terra Nova", the characters Alicia Washington,
Nathaniel Taylor or any other character from the series. I likewise do not own "Alice's
Adventures in Wonderland" by Lewis Carroll. The following is parody. I write only for my own amusement – not for profit.
Thanks to Pilko95...your story "Paper Cut" gave me the idea for the following parody.
"Unknown species...in pursuit of an unknown species!" Lieutenant Alicia Washington shouted into her communicator. She knew they would call Dr. Malcolm immediately. Maybe he'd been alerted already...maybe he was at headquarters, anxiously listening to her.
She'd been running, it seemed, for miles. She was beginning to feel winded. Mark Reynolds and the rest of her team had dropped far behind; although she could still hear them faintly, crashing through the jungle, trying to catch up with her.
"Repeat...unknown species. Description: small dinosaur, approximately two feet tall, running upright, though occasionally propelling itself forward with short, hopping leaps. Its scales are gray shading into white, with a uniform red pattern encircling its back and shoulders. Highly unusual, prominent, ear-like appendages on top of head. Repeat...repeat... unknown species. Acknowledge, Terra Nova."
The strange dino picked up speed, breaking through the undergrowth into a clearing, heading directly for a fallen log.
"I'm going to get you...you little bugger..." Alicia muttered to herself. The damn thing had stolen the combination timepiece, army knife and whistle that her Commander had given her. No way would she allow some "unknown species" to deprive her of it...
Ahead of her, the dinosaur took a strong leap that carried it on top the fallen log. It looked back at her briefly, staring at her with wide, pinkish-red eyes. The scales around its blunt snout rapidly shifted, making it look as though the dino was twitching its nose. Alicia could see the Commander's gift clutched in the creature's short, clawed forelegs.
She'd almost caught it now. She put her weapon on "stun" and raised it...
Did the thing just smile? The scales around its wide mouth had stretched upward...but then the dino winked one eye and jumped down, disappearing behind the log.
With a snarl of rage Alicia leaped forward, vaulting the log easily, landing in the soft soil beyond.
But the log concealed the creature's lair. The ground collapsed and Alicia screamed, falling helplessly into a dark, unending tunnel that opened up, swallowing her.
She was screaming like a little girl...something she hadn't done even when she was a little girl.
No, no...Alicia "Wash" Washington was too tough to scream. She probably hadn't even screamed when she'd been born.
No...it couldn't be her. Couldn't be Wash falling in slow motion, through the deathly darkness, shrieking the name of her beloved Commander.
Wistfully she visualized his rugged face...his manly, silver beard...his electrifying, ice-blue eyes.
She remembered lying close beside him on the headquarters floor, during the asteroid bombardment. It was as close as she'd ever gotten to him. Later, he had allowed her to brush the broken glass off his mighty, leather-clad shoulders...
She hadn't stopped drooling for a week.
Vainly she reached out, trying to feel the tunnel sides with her hands and feet – but she found nothing, just empty space.
"Mayday, Terra Nova...!" she shouted into her communicator...but she had little hope of being heard. She was too far under the earth - the signal would be muffled, at best. Her location coordinates would be useless...
Desperately she reached into her uniform pocket, withdrawing a small, but powerful cellular torch. She squeezed as she touched it, activating the light...
...and saw, just a few inches from her nose, the scaly, reversed face of her gadget-stealing, misbegotten, bunny-eared adversary. It spewed a strong-odored, hot breathe right into her face.
And, for the first time in her life, Alicia fainted.
How long since she'd been conscious? She didn't know.
Where was she? She had to think about it.
She must be back in her bed, she thought, in her quarters at Terra Nova. The mattress was very comfortable...she rolled over, onto her back. The mattress seemed more springy than usual, and it emitted an aroma of fresh, lush greenery. She could hear birds singing...
Why? She hadn't opened her window...
Alicia opened her eyes.
She was lying on moss. Overhead she saw the fronds of a fern forest, seeming to lean in toward her.
Jove...was that a curious green face she glimpsed, staring from that fern frond?
"(Ahem) You...over there..." said something near her feet. It's voice was squeaky, a little foreign, but quite understandable.
Alicia lifted her head rapidly, seeking the source of the voice. About five feet away was her rabbit-like nemesis, standing quietly, holding her lost timepiece in his claws. His red scales stood out, regular and stark, against the gray and white of his chest.
He looked as though he was wearing a vest. Four gold colored, button-like scales added to the illusion.
"Wha...wha...what are you?" gasped Alicia.
"Just a simple reptile, Miss," replied her quarry "In service to the king of this realm. I believe this is your timepiece, is it not? Would you like to have it back?" he asked, his unnerving, pinkish-red eyes peering, a little myopically, at her face.
Alicia sprang up onto her feet, confusingly aware that there was some change in her uniform. Nothing seemed to work quite as well as it should. Swiftly her hand dropped to her thigh, searching for her knife...
...And withdrew a licorice whip from a pinafore pocket.
Screaming in rage now, as well as shock, Alicia aimed a round-house kick at the belly of the thieving, creepy-faced culprit who'd gotten her into this...
His belly was a surprisingly good target, Alicia suddenly realized, because she was now exactly his size.
How could that be? How could that be?! her mind wailed. But her aim was good, and she saw her foot connect with the creature's pudgy belly...
Her tiny, delicate foot in its white stocking and dainty, maryjane shoe.
The reptile-rabbit went down. Crawling rapidly away, he reversed her timepiece and blew the whistle.
Alicia heard the approaching sound of some huge, swift, heavy beast.
She tried to turn and run, but she wasn't fast enough. To her surprise, she found movement impeded by a voluminous, puffy red skirt that had somehow replaced her uniform pants. Her attack on the talking reptile had snagged her legs within the petticoats, and her ruffled apron seemed alive, its strings rising and wrapping around her hands. She fell down in a heap.
And ahead of her, a monstrosity came into view...
"Damn it woman...don't kill the messenger!" the thing snapped, its gravelly, preemptive bellow almost piercing her eardrums.
It was a voice - volume and all - that brought back memories.
She froze, not believing the nightmare that sprang toward her, stopping just yards from where she lay, helpless, entangled and appalled.
Astride a Carnotaurus steed was a creature with a silvery beard and a familiar face. This monster possessed a breathtaking, sculpted torso. His sculpted torso sported six bare, well-muscled arms. The beast's lower extremities ended horribly in a blue, segmented, insectoid tail.
She shrieked without knowing it. Her little shoes pedaled madly, pushing her backward, against the trunk of a huge fern.
"Control yourself, Lieutenant...I'm still your Commanding Officer!" the creature bellowed again. He dismounted, patting the neck of his snorting, growling mount. The Carnotaurus looked down toward Alicia, snorted again, then gave a guttural snarl. Its yellow eyes glared at her. The huge dino looked slightly underfed. It grinned, its massive, yellow fangs gleaming...
"Come on...get up. On your feet, soldier."
As soon as he spoke, she felt her constricting petticoats relax. She felt her apron strings withdraw. Slowly she got to her feet. Nervously, instinctively, she smoothed down her rumpled skirt. She could feel her dark hair – miraculously longer – clinging in hot, loose waves down to her waist.
It couldn't be her Commanding Officer...it couldn't be Nathaniel Taylor. She was having hallucinations, she decided. She was having a psychotic break. Had she been exposed to a drug, she wondered, something similar to the one her...her...REAL Commander had been exposed to? The one that killed most of the doctors at that science outpost?
"I'm not seeing this...it's not real...I'm not seeing this..." she repeated to herself, as she watched the Nathaniel creature's approaching knees.
Apparently he didn't have just one tail...but two...
"I don't...I don't...I don't believe in this!" she squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated, desperately searching for her lost sense of sanity and confidence.
"No salute for your Commander...for your King? Well, I'll forgive you – this time. You've had a busy, confusing day. A most trying day, for such a pretty little poppet. I must admit, Alicia, that I've always wanted to see you like this...just once."
And then the monstrous Commander reached out, slipped his hands beneath her arms, and lifted her up...
Her temper broke...egged on by fright and indignation. She began flailing around...
"No!" she shrieked, staring into the hairy face of this outsized travesty "No! You're NOT my Commander!"
He held her firmly, swinging her gently around, much as he would a baby. He performed several strange dance steps, then dipped her.
"You're such a pretty doll, aren't you? he crooned fondly "My tiny Alicia...my sweet little lieutenant...welcome home. Welcome to...BOSSA NOVA!"
Then, while he was still in range, Alicia reached out and grabbed his beard, pulling back on it sharply.
"Put me DOWN, you dirty old ogre!"
She was a whirlwind. The false Nathaniel staggered back. Within the space of a few moments Alicia had managed to box his ears, bloody his nose and kick him in the throat.
He fell to his knees, still clutching her. The monster was simply not giving up. She grabbed his little finger, pulling up on it brutally. The Nathaniel thing yelped in pain, his grip involuntarily weakening. Quickly Alicia wiggled free.
"You've killed him! You've killed the king! Murder! Soldiers! She must pay with her head!" screamed the ersantz rabbit.
"Oh, shut up!" snapped Alicia as she kicked him, right on his scaly butt.
"Mr. Rabit...don't call soldiers," gasped the ogre.
Evidently she hadn't kicked him that hard.
"Alicia..." honked Ogre Nathaniel "...you had the right (gasp) to defend yourself. I was wrong...(hack)...to tease you...(garrrump...wheeze). Go...Mr. Rabit...go fetch my flask."
She felt sorry for him, all of a sudden. A flask was what her real Commander - her tough, old, achingly hot Commander - also would have called for. Undoubtedly this flask too, would contain whiskey. Sighing, Alicia untied her apron and wadded it up. Mr. Rabit, that loathsome lizard, plucked a metal container from the Carnataurus' saddle pouch; but she immediately grabbed it away from him - delivering another warning kick as she did so. Swiftly she opened the flask, pouring its contents over her improvised muslin pad...
And the contents were, indeed, whiskey. The strong smell struck her nose, making her eyes water. But at least it was antiseptic. She stepped closer to Nathaniel, dabbing softly below his giant honker, removing some of the blood.
Now that he was sitting down, Alicia didn't find him so intimidating. The terrible, multiple arms were only realistic props...he had held her in his own two, natural hands. The blue, segmented tails were some sort of armor, forged from a metal unfamiliar to her.
"Why...why do you dress that way?" she asked, gently wiping away the remaining blood spots.
"(Gurgle) I'm King of Bossa Nova...although I like to think of it as 'Nathaniel Land'. In Bossa Nova, the natives worship a giant (cough) blue caterpillar. I chose to (choke...hack) mimic its appearance. It...(snort) saves trouble."
"How are you feeling, now?"
"(Gasp)...Much better, thank you."
"Uh...King Nathaniel...how did I get here?"
"Through a portal (cough) between our worlds. I sent Mr. Rabit to (wheeze) lure you."
"Because I...(hack) need you."
"But – if this is a Terra Nova parallel dimension, you would have a Lieutenant Wash already with you..."
"Wash? (wheeze) Is that what my counterpart calls you? Wash is something you do before dinner..."
"Never mind that."
"I've been watching you and your Terra Nova colony. (Garrrak!) There's a technology we've developed that you (cough) don't have yet. I know your Commander never looks at you...he's never recovered from losing his wife. So (hack) why not bring you here?"
"But - what are you? A collector? Bossa Nova has its Alicia..."
"Not anymore (gurgle). I...loved my lieutenant...but she didn't want me. She returned to the future with Riley, her partner. They've signed on to the U.N. Androgyny space vessel...they're looking (cough) for another planet with earth-like conditions, (gasp) to colonize. They'll never return."
Alicia felt tears fill her eyes. How many years - how long had she waited - for her Terra Novan Commanding Officer to turn to her? How happy she would have been, to ease his grief. Here was another version of Nathaniel: slightly different...true...yet much the same...who turned in his vulnerability to her...
"I'm sorry, Sir...truly I am. But Bossa Nova is not my world. I've got to return..."
"You can't. The portal has already closed. You must stay here."
"But it's my duty...I've got to report to my Commander. I'm his right-hand..."
"...Man. Yeah, I know."
Alicia was stung "It's not like that! He needs my...strength, my abilities. What good am I here...standing around in a dress? Why am I in a dress, anyway?"
"I admit...I'm responsible for that. I know what books you liked to read, when you were a little girl (cough). My own Alicia told me about them...(wheeze) when she was still speaking to me. So I influenced the portal..."
He finally stopped coughing and looked her in the eye - somewhat mischievously. "Bossa Nova is magic...can't you sense that?"
Alicia thought about it "Is that why the animals talk?" she asked.
"Well...not all of them do. Mr. Rabit has the most ability: that's why he's my messenger."
"...Call me Nathaniel."
"Okay...ah...Nathaniel...what do you want with me?"
"What do you think?" he asked, grinning.
To Alicia, his grin resembled a leer. She slowly began backing away.
"Impossible," she snapped "You can't possibly mean it..."
"No?" he rose slowly to his feet, following her.
"It's not such a lowly calling, Alicia. I'll make you my queen..."
Violently she shook her head "Impossible! You're a giant! You're at least four feet taller than I am!"
"Oh...that," he said, graciously extending his hand " The portal shrinks every non-native that passes through it. The effect is temporary. See?...you're already several inches taller. By the time we reach my palace, your height will be restored.
Alicia looked at him - and saw that he was right. She was now facing him at mid-thigh level, instead of staring at his armored knees. Looking around, she saw that she was now taller than Mr. Rabit, who was sulking close by.
"Please Alicia...we already know each other. Take my hand...accept my offer. You'll be my equal."
Alicia was tempted. Here was...a...a semblance of her idol, Commander Nathaniel Taylor, offering himself to her. Was there anything more she could want? Was there anything else she'd dreamed of?
"What's the...the catch?" she asked, a little tremulously.
"Nothing - except this: unless you're leading our men into battle, you'll always wear dresses. Your subjects will expect nothing less from their queen. Clothes mean a great deal, you know, to my subjects in Bossa Nova."
Alicia sighed. Her tiny hand stole forward, wrapping around Nathaniel's index finger.
"So I've noticed. All right, then...we have a deal."
So he carried her before him, perched gracefully across his saddle, her arms wrapped around his neck. Back through the fern forests, back through the flowering jungles, back to his home in the Palace of Bossa Nova.