a disease called confidence
"Don't you wish you could go back to when you hadn't lost anything?" ––Skins
There are seven billion people on Earth, but Spencer Hastings wants to be the best. That is common knowledge in itself, but the tragedies involved in certain points of her quest rarely get heard. Since the start, most people have laughed in her face at the prospect of such ambitions and openly said that she is in too deep, there is no such thing as perfection, and the higher up she climbs the steeper the fall will be when, come one inescapable day, she fails. It went unspoken that she wasn't trying to prove that she could be something – she was on the path to proving that she could be everything.
These days it's far easier than ever to step on the cracks and she thinks she should have taken better care to listen and take note of all the pessimists. It basically goes to show how much the tables have turned because she can't quite remember she used to be one of them to everyone other than herself what seems like an entire lifetime ago. Before Toby. Before calamity. Before believing that optimism was the true realism. A quick glance into the past is enough for her to arrive to the tragic conclusion that she should have laughed with them, not at them.
Spencer defaults to pushing people away, so ultimately she's to blame, except she sees it the opposite way. People should be pushing her away regardless. She is unholy, easily breakable, and outrageously stupid. She figures her actions are simply speeding up the process to the inevitable and yet it's an ugly thing when she can sense the world is finally and truly giving up on her. Nothing's worse than looking around only to find that no one's looking back to see if everything's alright. Weeping in bathroom stalls, contemplating setting fire to old belongings, and locking herself up into a place where she is her own sole enemy and companion are the initial stages of the diseases termed betrayal and heartache she's just recently caught on to.
She clings tightly to the belief that she's doing fine with the solitude, chasing trails of dangerous games and refusing to answer any texts from her half–brother or so–called best friends. There is no such thing as fate or faith because they've both long since failed her, but no matter how much she hates her severe lack of judgment she still has what she's always had – herself and a shred of confidence that remains to get her through the rest of the pain. Everything around her has broken into glass shards like her mind, but she will stand tall and face it alone – because the way she started out in the unforgiving universe is the way she's determined to leave it. At least when all is said and done she will undoubtedly hold the number one spot at falling apart.
A/N: This is real this is me. Please don't favorite without reviewing!