Greetings and salutations fellow creatures of planet Earth! It is I, TamiLove with yet another South Park creation! This idea has been in my head for a while, so I was hoping that in publishing this, I would have more room in my brain follicles for the progression of my other stories (those of which, if you haven't already introduced your beautiful minds to, please do!) Urmm... yeah that's about it.
This story will be rated M, because, why the hell not. There will be slash in both directions in this story as well as straight pairings (ewww) lol! uhh.. Swearing and racist terms are abundant but then again this is South Park, please don't take some of the words and phrases here to heart. I dunno what else.. I'll place at the beginning of each chapter the weird shit that goes on, mmkay?
I don't own South Park! That's all Trey and Matt~
"Move it Jew!" Eric Cartman's loud obnoxious twang filled the classroom as the teenagers filed in. He shoved the lanky ginger Jew roughly, bending the boy over his desk and making him drop the few notebooks in his hands onto the floor.
"Damnit Cartman!" Kyle shouted irritably. The redhead turned and scowled at him, lashing out and forcing the taller boy backwards, accidentally pushing Wendy as she marched around them.
"Cool it you two!" She growled, pushing Cartman out of her way and plopping down in her seat behind them. Cartman tripped once again, shoving Kyle over his desk and making him drop the notebooks he'd just picked back up.
"Damnit Wendy!" Kyle scowled, forcing the taller boy off him and rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, how about you calm your fuckin tits ho!" The brunette shouted, his finger pointed in the smirking girl's beautiful face.
"Watch it fatboy." A hand came from behind, swatting away his finger. Cartman smacked his lips and turned around.
"Goddamnit Stan you fuckin hippie, why don't you pull your faggy face out of Wendy's infested ass and take a fucking look." He ripped off his red leather jacket and motioned to the abdomen of his skin tight black teeshirt. "I'm not fat!" Stan rolled his eyes and patted the boy's flat stomach.
"You'll always be a fatass to me."
"And how do you call him a fag then say he gets ass? It doesn't make sense." Kyle asked as both boys took their seats; Stan behind Kyle and Cartman in front of Wendy.
"You dont have to rush to your little boyfriend's aid, Khyle. It doesn't matter if he gets ass. Like how I'll always be a fatass to him, he'll always be a faggot to me." Stan and Cartman exchanged a sarcastic friendly smile.
"Wait, weren't you the one who had Butters dick in your mouth?" Kyle asked, tapping his chin with his finger curiously.
"Oh my god Khyle, how fucking long ago was that?" Cartman sighed. He shrugged.
"Doesn't matter, still sucked."
"Yeah well, you and Stan are still conjoined by the dick and that's why you're both fags."
"You talk about them an awful lot, Cartman. Are you sure you're not jealous or something?" Token asked with a smirk.
"What's there to be jealous of? Those two and their faggy little bromance? Please."
"Poor Eric, Stan's taking up all your Jew time and you just don't know how to cope." Bebe sat on his desk and patted the side of his face sympathetically. Cartman held her hand in both of his own and wiped away a fake tear.
"Sometimes I think you're the only one who gets me Bebe. I don't even have to explain for you to know exactly how I feel." The blonde girl laughed and rustled his hair fondly.
"You know I try, sugar lump." A voice scoffed in the background, Cartman turned and smiled, realizing where the sound had come from.
"I'm sorry Heidi, did you say something? I couldn't hear you that well. Maybe some of that bitch eroding off you got stuck in my ears or something." The brown haired girl looked up at him irritably.
"Fuck off, jockstrap. I'm not in the fucking mood."
"From what I remember you were defiantly in the mood last Friday at Bebe's party." He said with a smirk. "What's wrong darlin, somebody forgot to pull out?"
He watched, looking quite entertained as Heidi turned completely red, stood up and marched silently out of the room.
"Cartman, you're a fucking asshole." Kyle sighed from beside him. The brunette smacked his lips.
"Why am I the asshole? She started it!" Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed again.
"You still didn't have to say that."
"Whatever, stupid assed kyke." Cartman growled in his seat. He flinched when a random notebook made impact with the side of his face. Kyle was glaring at him from his seat.
"Quit calling me a kyke, you fat tub of shit!" Cartman threw the notebook back at him.
"Fuck off ya greedy Jew-kyke!"
"Get bent Cartman!"
"Suck my balls Khyle!"
"Damnit will you two useless bastards just shut the hell up?!" Mr Garrison said as he finally stepped into the classroom, a cup of coffee in one hand, a small novel with two half naked men on the cover in another. He plopped down in his chair and lifted his feet up on his desk, flipping to the middle page of the book. Without looking up he continued, "You would think that after six goddamn years you two would shut up and fuck each other or at least make up better insults. If you can't even do this much, then I suggest you both take a full clip to the brain as soon as fucking possible or I'll do it for you."
Kyle and Cartman exchanged a brief glance before looking away from each other, red tints growing on both their cheeks. The room was quiet for a few brief moments before a voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Mr. Garrison, please come to the principals' office, mmkay? Mr. Garrison, to the principals' office."
"Goddamnit. Stay in your seats you miserable sacks of shit. I'll be right back." The man said, dropping his book and pushing out of his chair.
"What the hell do you want?" He asked the moment he walked through the doors of Principal Victoria's office.
"Mr. Garrison, Dr Mepesto, here, said he had a proposition for you. It involves the students in your class, mmkay?" Mr. Macky, the school councilor said as the elderly man stepped forward from the darkest corner of the room.
"What the hell do you want with those little shitbags?" Garrison asked irritably, folding his arms in front of his chest.
"Well, Mr. Garrison, I am currently working on a little experiment that I'd like to test on a few of your students." The wrinkled, tanned man said with a polite smile.
"Will it kill them?" Mr. Garrison asked bluntly.
"No?" Mephesto answered, confusion taking over his withered features.
"Can you make somethin that will?"
"Mr. Garrison, for the last time, killing those students won't get you out of your contract with us. You'll just get a new batch of students every time you kill those ones so it would be better that you just accept that." Principal Victoria reprimanded from behind her desk. Mr. Garrison grimaced at her, pointing a single finger in her direction.
"You shut the hell up. Fucking bitch..."
"Anyway, as I was saying…" Dr. Mephesto began, uncomfortably. Mr. Garrison waved him off.
"Yeah I don't really give a fuck, do whatever you want to the little bastards. Can't make 'em any dumber." The elders face lit up.
"Splendid! Well I'll just have you hand out these to your class and call me tomorrow with the results." He pulled a grocery bag from his inner coat pocket and handed it to the curious man.
"Cookies? Why the hell should I give them cookies?"
"They're not regular cookies Mr. Garrison. They've been laced with a concoction I've spent the last five years working on. They're the best outcomes of my most ingenious experiment!"
"Sure whatever." Mr. Garrison shrugged and headed for the door. He paused.
"Do these have crack or somthin in 'em? Cause several of my kids are in rehab and this won't go over well with some of their probation officers if they-"
"There are no illegal substances in these cookies." Mephesto sighed immediately. Garrison looked from the man to the cookies in his hand and back again.
"Yeah, whatever." He shrugged, walking out of the room.
"Here class. Eat these." Mr. Garrison tossed the bag into the throng of students, all sitting on each others desks and chatting noisily. Stan caught it and looked at the teacher suspiciously.
"What's in 'em?" He asked warily, pulling out one of the small vanilla wafer-like treats and sniffing it.
"Do you want the damn cookies or not?" Mr. Garrison snapped from behind his desk, face buried in his book. The students all looked at one another questionably.
"Fuck it, I want one." Cartman gave in. Stan tossed him the open bag and laughed.
"Same old fatass."
"Yeah, yeah." He said, grabbing a couple and tossing the bag back.
"Here, you want one Kyle?" Stan asked, holding the bag up and munching on the cookie in his hand.
"No dude. I'm diabetic remember?"
"Yeah I remember, but I also remember you eating that whole fucking chocolate cake at Token's Christmas party."
"Yeah and my doctor had an absolute fit. She said she'd choke the shit out of me if I ever ate another sweet in my life." A few of the guys laughed and Stan shrugged.
"Suit yourself." Stan tossed the bag to Kenny who'd just strolled into the classroom.
"Why thank you, Stanley. I knew you had wife potential somewhere in there." He joked, peeking through the bag and picking out several cookies.
"Those are for everyone dick. Don't go hoggin em all."
"Fine." Kenny sighed dramatically.
"Pass it back that way." Kenny shrugged and looked back.
"Hey Craig, you want?" He shouted over the music of the boy's guitar. He'd been openly strumming since class started. He shook his head no.
"I'm good." Kenny nodded understandingly and held the bag up to the small fidgety blonde sitting beside him.
"Uh… No? I mean yes? I mean hi? I don't- GAH TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" Craig stopped playing and leaned over slightly, slapping the boy in the back of the head and oddly enough calming him down instantly.
"Tweek just eat the goddamn cookie." He rolled his eyes and continued strumming softly.
"Right." He said, grabbing a single cookie from the bag.
"Clyde?" Kenny twirled on the desk to see Clyde face deep in a twelve pack of taco bell as he was every morning. The boy looked hesitant but shook his head no.
"Nah I'm good." He waved the bag off.
"Really?" Kenny asked, unbelieving.
"Messes with the flavor." He said, nodding and pointing to the hardshell on his desk. Stan shrugged.
"Toke?" He asked. The dark skinned boy didn't respond, too immersed in the music blasting through his headphones. A mischievous smirk played on Clyde's lips and he wiped his hands with a napkin. He grabbed the bag from Kenny slowly, hoping not to alert the boy sitting in front of him. The blonde grinned, realizing the boy's motive and shushed everyone around them. Clyde grabbed a handful of cookies, silently sliding closer to the unknowing teen. He pounced, grabbing Token by the top of the head and pulling him backwards onto his own desk, stuffing the cookies in his mouth and keeping his hands in place so that he didn't spit them out. The classroom erupted into laughter as the brown skinned boy struggled briefly before realizing his friend was behind it all, then lashing out angrily and the grinning teen.
"Damnit!- Clyde you- fucking asshole!" Token managed between coughs.
"My bad dude! You were just so damn out of it I couldn't help it!" Clyde managed, wiping tears from his eyes. Token glared and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
"Fucking dick! Im not buying you anymore fucking tacos ever!" Clyde's laughter immediately subsided and his eyes grew to the size of saucers.
"No! Token! I'm sorry! Take me back! I didn't mean it! I won't do it ever again!" Clyde begged leaning over his desk and gently tugging on Tokens hoodie.
"No dude. You fucked up. It's over!"
"No! No this- you can't! Don't take away my tacos bro! I can't live without you… buying me tacos! I'll do whatever you want! Whenever you want! I'll be a better man!" Clyde choked out, pulling the boys hood fiercely now, trying to force him to look his way.
"Wow… Token, just forgive him." Red said, patting the sobbing brunette on the back.
"Poor Clyde." Bebe added in. "It's okay sweetie, I'll buy you tacos in the morning."
"No! It's not the same! I only want you, Toke- to buy me tacos in the mornings and afterschool and on the weekends!"
"No Clyde! I'm tired of you and your shit! No more tacos and no more rides to school. Walk your funny ass to class every day!"
"Toke… But I love you- buying me tacos and giving me rides to school! You can't take away everything we've got just because of one mistake! Don't do this to me! Don't do this to us!"
"Guys. Chill." Stan said, turning back to them and scowling. Things were getting a little too deep over there.
"Oh my god, Bebe get your boobs out of the cookies!" Cartman growled, pushing the voluptuous blonde backwards to grab more cookies.
"I forgot that boobs weren't your thing hun. Sorry." Bebe smirked, slapping him on the ass as he walked away.
"Whatever, bitch." He mumbled through the cookie he held in his front teeth, Bebe grinned and took the cookie from his mouth, popping it into her own.
"Red?" She asked, turning from him and holding out a couple to her friend.
"Nah I'm watchin my weight. You're lucky; all your fat goes straight to your boobs."
"I think that makes everyone lucky." Kenny chucked, pulling Bebe into his lap and squeezing her breasts, earning a surprised squeal from the girl.
"Happy and lucky are two different things."
"Nah Stan, I'm thinkin of goin on the diet with Red."
"Oh my gosh Wendy, you're like so thin already, I'm scared that if I don't hold on to you the wind will blow you away." Stan sighed, brows furrowing in concern. Cartman scoffed.
"As if, that fat bitch is like a fuckin brick wall to the wind." Kyle chuckled despite himself earning a scowl from his super best friend. Wendy rolled her eyes.
"Says the fatass scarfing down a whole fucking plate of cookies."
"I am NOT FAT!" Cartman shouted, grabbing another cookie from the bag and tossing it into his mouth. Stan shook his head and looked back to his girlfriend.
"Wendy, you're so perfect the way you are, please just eat one cookie."
"Awwww!" Bebe and Red crooned. Wendy laughed and punched her boyfriend in the arm playfully.
"Fine. But if I get fat you have to promise to still love me."
"Pinky swear." Stan held out his pinky and Wendy merged it with her own before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing the boy blatantly on the lips.
"Oh my god you guys are gonna make me throw up…"
"Jealous?" Stan said smirking. Kyle scowled and rolled his eyes.
"Dude, I am like so fucking beyond jealous I could just murder you both right now."
"Well Kyle, if you really want to be in a relationship I'd be happy to oblige." Bebe piped in from Kenny's lap.
"Bebe, just because Kyle's a Jew doesn't mean he has money. Go be a slut somewhere else."
"Way to cockblock there Cartman." Kenny laughed, still fondling the girls breasts. Cartman shrugged.
"I do what I can."
"Yeah, no offense Bebe, but I don't think I could keep up with you anyway." Kyle added in, pointing from her to his close friend beneath her. She laughed.
"Well you know where I am if you change your mind, hun." She said with a playful wink.
"Aw jeeze, are all the cookies gone?" Butters asked, coming from seemingly no where.
"Yup." Cartman said, licking his fingers.
"By the way, children. Those cookies were laced with some part of an experiment that wacky nut job, Dr Mefesto brought over earlier. I don't know what's in 'em and I don't know what they do." Mr Garrison said, flipping to the last page of his book just as the bell rang. He looked up at their stunned faces and smirked.
"Class dismissed." He shuffled out of the room, leaving them all to look silently at the door.
"That son of a bitch."
Sooooo~~ What do you think was in the cookies? What will they do? What will we do? BWAHAHAHAAA! lol! How did you guys like this chap? Not a whole lot happened but I hope, at least it made you chuckle a bit. I'll update the next chap in a couple hours, maybe it can help you get the feeling of the story. Sooo.. right~! Laters!
Kyle: Soo... Am I gunna be gay in this one too?
Me: Maybe, my precious.
Kyle: You're kinda weird.
Me: Do you wanna get raped? You know I'll do it bitch!
Kyle: O_O Not again...
Me: That's what I thought. *fondles red locks*
Kyle: *starts sobbing and knitting*