Riven shifted uncomfortably in her skimpy bunny outfit as she stopped at the minion wave of top lane. She would be warmer when she started fighting, but at the moment she felt downright chilly. "Stupid friggen pervert summoners..." she grumbled as she cut a blue minion in half. "Never should've taken that bet..."
The Exile continued grumbling about the idiotic design of her current outfit and the people who got her to wear it as she farmed the minions. And she was still feeling chilly, how annoying.
As she drew near the river bush she suddenly became aware of an intense heat on her skin, as if she were standing next to a large fire. "What the... It's like someone is staring at me with the jealous intensity of a thousand suns!" she halted just beyond the river and retreated back to her turret, since she continued to feel the creepy, jealous heat no matter where she was in the middle part of the lane.
Kha'zix glared after Riven from his hiding place in the bush. No fair, how come Riven got to wear bunny ears? She wasn't even an animal or anything! Curse you Riven, you're so lucky... How I hate you! Those ears are so nice, so sleek and floppy, the thread count must be insane... He only stopped in his glaring when something barged into him from behind.
"Ugh!" Rengar reeled back in surprise and annoyance. "Kha'zix, get your butt back to the middle lane already! What's the holdup?"
"Riven," Kha'zix seethed. "She gets to have bunny ears!"
Rengar's face went blank as his brain tried to process the ridiculousness of what Kha'zix was implying. He almost failed. "Wha? Since when are rabbit ears a good thing? I mean, besides the better hearing—though still not as good as mine and why am I still talking about this?!" he jabbed an accusing finger at Kha'zix's chest carapace, displeased about having to deal with his archenemy at all. "What's wrong with you? Are you doing this cause we're on the same team?"
"You mean you don't remember?" Kha'zix wailed. "I had bunny ears the very first time we met!"
"No you didn't," Rengar gave Kha'zix a look that made it clear he was currently questioning the Void creature's sanity. "You looked almost exactly like you do now when we first met," he paused as a memory struck him. "Wait..."
Rengar cast his thoughts back, to the time before he engaged in epic combat with Kha'zix and nearly died in the process. It was glorious, he was at the peak of his game, muscles rippling, coat sleek and shining, but now wasn't the time to remember that. It had been a sunny day in his jungle, he was patrolling the outer rim of his hunting territory when he came across...
The Pridestalker stared at the odd creature before him, which stared back with intense curiosity. Rengar scowled and squinted his eyes at the thing, which looked like a freakish bipedal rabbit. "Damn furries..." he grumbled. "Get the hell outta my territory, and don't you dare even try to snuggle me, you creep!"
"Snuggle?" the creature tilted its head in genuine puzzlement, an action which somehow made it look less cute and even more... Creepy. "What's a snuggle?"
Rengar tripped mentally over the unexpected question. "I... What? You don't know what that is? Just what kind of furry are you?"
"What's a furry?"
"What's a f—" Rengar spluttered as started to shove the odd furry intruder toward the edge of his territory. "Just get the hell out of here!"
Rengar returned to the present with a jolt and gave Kha'zix a look of utmost disgust. "Uugh, that was you?" the hunter pointed an accusatory claw at Kha'zix, who didn't seem terribly bothered by the idea.
"Yeah, I miss those bunny ears..." Kha'zix stared wistfully into empty space as he recalled the wonderful fluffy ears he used to have.
"Whatcha talkin' about?"
The two looked down at the knee-height origin of the voice, and found that Teemo had managed to slip in between them without their noticing. Rengar's nostrils flared in annoyance; he didn't enjoy being snuck up on by something as ridiculous-looking as a yordle. This one gave off especially... Unnerving vibes so he held his tongue for the moment, and wished for the dozenth time that match that he had been allowed to pick his team mates instead of those idiot summoners.
"Riven gets to have bunny ears and I don't!" Kha'zix waved a claw at the top lane as he whined to Teemo, happy to have a new set of ears to vent his frustration to. Riven was back to farming again, probably believing it to be safe now that she could no longer feel the heat of Kha'zix's jealous gaze.
Rengar rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of it all, then heeded his summoner's urging and returned to the jungle. At least there would be more peace and quiet without Kha'zix whining at him there.
"You want bunny ears?" Teemo's furry face scrunched up in confusion for a moment as he squinted up at Kha'zix. "Why's that?"
"Because I used to have them, and I liked them a lot," Kha'zix bounced up and down in excitement as he spoke, like a child recalling the first time they tasted ice cream. "But now I don't and sometimes I miss them a lot," he said sadly, carapace clicking as his limbs and wings drooped with his mood.
"Oh," Teemo's face relaxed; seemed logical enough to him, even scary bug creatures like Kha'zix tended to have their silly quirks. Like the fact that all Void creatures seemed to crave pie no matter what flavor it was, which was useful when you were trying to distract them but still weird all the same. Maybe it was the crust they liked most, crust was pretty tasty after all... "I can help you get some if you can do something for me first."
"Really?!" Kha'zix perked up immediately at the prospect.
"Yeah, just meet me after the match. I'll give you more details then," that said, Teemo sprinted away and was soon lost from Kha'zix's view.
The lobby filled with champions and summoners once the match had ended, and Kha'zix eagerly searched around for Teemo. He finally spotted the yordle beneath one of the complimentary food tables and hurried over before anyone could get in the way, even ignoring the pie that sat so enticingly in front of the other food.
"Hi Teemo," Kha'zix scooted under the table as best he could, considering his size.
"So you're sure you want the ears?" Teemo asked in a conspiratorial whisper.
"Yeah," Kha'zix whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"
"You'll get looked down on if you actually want bunny ears," Teemo replied as he prepared to move out from under the table. "Follow me, I'll bring you up to speed while we locate for our target."
"Okay," the table lurched as Kha'zix squeezed out from under it and followed Teemo. He paused about halfway to the door and stared longingly back at the pie. There was definitely enough time to dash back and take it with him, no need to just leave it there for someone else to eat. The Voidreaver lunged back toward the table and grabbed the pie just as Kassadin, who he'd faced in the same lane that match, was reaching for it. An unsure smile spread across Kha'zix's face as he stared up at Kassadin's mask—you could never really tell what Kassadin was thinking behind that mask, and to be honest the human really freaked Kha'zix out a lot of the time.
The din of Kassadin's breathing filled the silence between them as Kha'zix tried to think of something to say. Finally he realized that Teemo might be leaving without him and simply settled for running off with the pie without a word and hoping that Kassadin wouldn't come after him for it. Luckily Teemo had realized that his companion had been sidetracked by pie and was waiting patiently by the door, small arms crossed over his furry chest.
"There was pie. Sorry," Kha'zix said quickly, casting a worried glance behind him to check if Kassadin was there. Much to his relief, Kassadin didn't seem terribly bothered by the loss of the pie and was still considering some of the other foods at the table.
"So is it just pie or do you guys like tarts and stuff like that, too?" Teemo asked, still musing over the mystery of the Void creatures' love of pie. He didn't really expect Kha'zix to answer and started walking down the hall.
"What's a tart?" Kha'zix tilted his head to one side as he asked this, then finally gave in to temptation and took a huge bite out of the center of the pie. It had an apple filling, and the crust was crisp and flakey too, even directly below the filling.
"Oh it's kinda..." Teemo scratched the side of his head as he tried to recall what made pies different from tarts. He spun and began walking backwards so he could talk to Kha'zix face to pie-covered face. "I think they're like, usually shorter than pies," he held his hands one over the other to illustrate the shallowness of a tart for Kha'zix, who listened and watched with intense interest as he followed Teemo. "And I think the crusts are usually more crumbly...?" he put his hands on his hips as he continued to march backwards, trying to remember more details. "You can probably put in a special request for the Institute cooks to make some for you, or maybe ask Caitlyn about it. She's really good at baking and stuff," he said finally, having given up trying to educate Kha'zix on the intricacies of pies versus tarts.
"Thanks Teemo, you're so smart!" Kha'zix said after finishing another mouthful of pie. The outing was going even better than he expected so far: not only was he going to get his bunny ears, Teemo had also given him useful information on pies and tarts, which he would be sure to try later.
"Yeah, anyway," Teemo spun around to the front again and picked up the pace. "About that thing I need you to do..."
"You want me to kick Hecarim as hard as I can?" Kha'zix asked as the two spied on the spectral centaur from the cover of a large bush.
"As hard as you can," was Teemo's grim reply.
"Why? What'd he do?"
"He made me proofread his wretched love poetry hundreds of times," Teemo's fur began to stand on end, a result of his intense anger upon recalling the memory rather than fear. "It was horrible! Some of the worst crap I've ever had to sit through, and I'm still having nightmares because of it!"
As if to prove Teemo's point, the wind changed—perhaps trying to flee Hecarim's terrible work in another direction—and carried several verses of said horrible poetry to their ears:
"I beg you, if it's not too much trouble,
point out where your love might be.
You, little Irelia, I've looked for you,
you, on the fields of slaughter, you, in the coldest ribcage of a corpse,
you, in the sacred shrine of the giant spider thingy Elise talks to
I've detained all the girls together
and set a line to Thresh's lantern, my darling,
whose faces were blank, however.
'We know not who this Irelia is!', they screamed in protest,
so I demanded of them.
One replied, bearing her heart to me, and then I speared her chest."
Kha'zix whimpered and scratched at his head, which was throbbing unpleasantly. He didn't even fully understand what Hecarim was talking about and it still hurt like hell, what sort of terrifying power was that? "Why does it make my brains hurt?" something wet pricked the corners of Kha'zix's eyes. He didn't know exactly what since he hadn't bothered to evolve tear ducts yet but he was starting to worry that it might be blood.
"See? That's just a taste of what I went through!"
"So why don't you kick him?" asked Kha'zix, more out of curiosity than any sort of stubbornness.
"Cause I'm too small to do real damage," Teemo replied, his face clearly displaying the anger he felt at not being able to get back at his enemy personally. "So I figured, since you're so strong and all that, you'd be able to kick him way harder than I ever could."
Kha'zix would have been flattered had it not been for the pain from hearing Hecarim's poetry; it was hard to be anything but extremely annoyed when it felt like there were dozens of beetles trying to burrow their way out of his head, as little sense as that made. Hearing this made him wonder what good poetry was like, and whether he should be deathly afraid of it or not. Surely if bad poetry was this painful, the real thing must be some sort of terrifying combat art that would kill near instantly if one caught ear of it.
"Making it hard to think but," Kha'zix winced as a fresh verse reached them and looked down at his legs, which while they were indeed very nice legs, didn't look like much good for the sort of kick Teemo probably wanted. "I'm not sure how I should kick him."
"Hmmm," Teemo clamped his hands over his ears, squishing them against his helmet as he thought. "Alright, I'll show you my ultra super secret kick technique."
"Okay," Kha'zix's eyes narrowed in a squint as he looked down at Teemo, not due to any ill will toward the yordle but because the poetry was hurting him so much. "Show me."
"First, you think of someone who makes you really mad," Teemo grit his teeth and his eyes—normally hidden by his squint—bulged in pure, terrifying fury as he thought of Hecarim forcing him to proofread the disgusting disaster that was his love poetry. "And then, you focus all of your feelings of hate and rage in your foot," he lifted his right foot, which was the one he would've been kicking Hecarim with had he been big enough. "And once you feel like you're so full of rage you're about to burst, you kick!" Teemo's foot shot forward fast enough to kick up a small wind, and with enough momentum to carry his body upward a few inches. He landed, let out a long sigh as he calmed himself, then turned to Kha'zix, "Now you try."
Kha'zix plumbed the depths of his mind for someone who made him truly angry, trying to ignore the awful poetry in the background as he did so. Hecarim was very steadily climbing up the hate list, but in the end Kha'zix couldn't really come up with anyone who infuriated him just by thinking of them. He was fairly amiable in regards to Rengar—even if the feeling wasn't mutual—since the hunter was fun to play with and didn't break easily, Kassadin was just creepy, and Riven got to have bunny ears but that wasn't really grounds to hate someone and this awful poetry was making him really irritable and he just wanted it to stop.
A growl started deep in Kha'zix's abdomen and slowly worked its way up, building in volume as it travelled. "Rrrrrrgh," his body began to shake with rage and frustration, which he concentrated in his right foot just like Teemo told him to. "Rrrrrrrrrrgh," his eyes bulged; he just wanted the awful noise to stop. "Rrraaaaaawrrgh!" Kha'zix surged out of the bush and hurtled for Hecarim, who was still obliviously spouting off poetry as he had been for the past half hour. "JUST SHUT UP YOU FOOL!" Kha'zix thundered as he landed a kick directly on Hecarim's hindquarters.
Teemo was a good teacher. The kick didn't just knock Hecarim over, it knocked him flying over the treetops like a bright blue comet and off into the night.
Kha'zix tilted his head back and let loose a terrifying primal scream of victory, still riding high on the wave of rage that had overcome him. He drooped as the echoes died away, and shook himself to settle his wings and spikes. "I feel better now," he said brightly, happy that Hecarim's wretched poetry stuff no longer polluted the air, or his ears.
"That was great!" Teemo hollered as he dashed out of the bush. "That was the best Super Duper Ultra Rage Kick I've ever seen!"
"Thank you," Kha'zix crossed his claws before him, flattered by Teemo's compliment.
"Come over to my place and I'll get you set up with the bunny ears, and even an outfit too if you want," Teemo started down the path and gestured for Kha'zix to follow, which he did with great enthusiasm.
Ezreal was happily stargazing out in the Piltovan countryside when he noticed a brilliant blue meteorite soaring overhead. It looked like it would land somewhere nearby, and excitement filled the Prodigal Explorer when he realized that he might have the privilege of being the first to lay eyes on this visitor from space. He used the power of his gauntlet to keep pace with the brilliant flame as it blazed across the sky and landed just a few yards ahead.
Thoughts of what he was going to do with the meteorite were just filling Ezreal's head when he looked down into the crater—and found Hecarim just starting to pick himself up at its bottom.
"Oh, it's just you," Ezreal grumbled as he glared down at Hecarim.
"What do you mean 'it's just you'? How rude!" Hecarim exclaimed, still-wobbly legs doing their best to navigate the steep side of the crater. He wasn't entirely sure what had just happened, just that he heard someone screaming something, and then there was sudden pain in his hindquarters followed by his flying through the air at impressive speed.
Ezreal had slunk off somewhere by the time Hecarim reached the top, and it occurred to the centaur that his current misfortune must surely be the work of some rival trying to foil his plans for wooing Irelia. "Fear not, my sweet Irelia!" Hecarim cried as he galloped back toward his practice oration spot. "I will win your heart and guard you against the despair of life!"
Kha'zix was called in for another match the next day, and he appeared in the Rift with what looked like an entire forest's population of rabbits stuck to him.
Olaf stared at the Voidreaver for a few moments, trying to come up with a proper way to ask the question on his mind without being messily slaughtered by Kha'zix for it. "So... Kha'zix," he started, eying what appeared to be a pair of genuine bunny ears tied to the creature's head.
"Yeah?" Kha'zix turned to Olaf, apparently quite happy despite how ridiculous he looked.
"What's with the... Bunny ears, and stuff?" he pointed to the strips of fur that had been so carefully color-coordinated and placed neatly around Kha'zix's wings and shoulders, something the Voidreaver probably wouldn't have been able to accomplish on his own.
For one terrifying moment Kha'zix opened his mouth—it was a grin but still frightening all the same—to reply, but stopped and shut it again as he remembered something. "I lost a bet!" he said, still looking happy in spite of losing aforementioned bet. "I bet that I couldn't kick Hecarim over the forest and I did, so I lost."
Olaf blinked as he reviewed what Kha'zix had just said, trying to sort out exactly what sounded wrong about it. "You know what, I'm just gonna leave it," he stated, and with that he started out into the Field. It was incredible to think that a little runt like Teemo would be gutsy enough to bet Kha'zix anything, let alone get him to wear bunny ears when he lost. And the fact that it looked like Kha'zix was wearing the remains of actual rabbits... Olaf shoved the rest out of his head before he could go further—nope, best not to think about it anymore.
The match seemed to be going normally for a while as Olaf traded blows with Tryndamere in the topmost lane. He was almost able to forget what Kha'zix showed up looking like when he noticed the Voidreaver moving up the river to gank for him. Olaf tightened his grip on his axes and wondered if he'd be able to keep acting normally so Tryndamere wouldn't catch on. Thoughts of rabbits started to creep into Olaf's head, and he started to chuckle.
"What's so funny?" Tryndamere growled as he watched Olaf try to recover himself.
Tryndamere learned then and there, that at times laughter truly is nature's greatest bait.
"I'M A BUNNY!" Kha'zix screamed, mouth open wide, claws fully extended, and luxurious rabbit fur ruffling in the wind as he dove straight for Tryndamere.