LIVE AND LET LOVE
Summary: a collection of crack-pairing drabbles that were too funny not to write. Ratings Vary.
A/N: There are some weird (in my opinion) pairings out there. Everything from minor characters/main characters to main characters/mentioned only in passing characters to main characters/main characters who've never met. All of these will be humor (for a certain definition of the word...), most will be one sided or fake outs, few will be romantic and/or sexy, and none will feature pre-established or Generally Accepted pairings (No Fox/Xanatos, no Demona/Thailog, no Elisa/Goliath, no Broadway/Angela and so on). Will likely feature equal amounts of slash and het but nothing graphic either way.
I won't lie. I started this because I thought up some truly silly pairings for Owen and Puck so while there will be others... that'll be the crux of it. Does not mix and match with anything else I write. While the pairings are total crack I did try to do them all in a way that was believable which might undo some of the humor of these couplings.
Spoilers: ALL OF THE SPOILERS
Warnings: language, mild slash, interspecies flirting
Disclaimer: Its called Crack for a reason and it's on for a similar, very good reason.
February 14, 1999
The man was heavier than he looked, Lex realized as he pulled. The man, an apparent 'jumper' as they were called, dangled precariously over the edge of the apartment building. He was saved from the drop only by Lexington's grasp around his ankle and the gargoyle's own strength. Placing a foot against the raised ledge keeping him from going over the side as well, the green gargoyle dug his talons into the brick and concrete and yanked up with all his might.
"Whoa!" the man yelped as he was dragged back over the side, bright colored scarf catching on the edge. Man safely deposited back on solid... rooftop, Lex sat down with a huff.
"If you're..." Lexington was panting from the effort, breath forming little clouds of condensation in front of his nose. "Gonna... throw yourself over... again... could you wait... until I get someone bigger... to catch you?"
The man, a slender and pleasant looking brunette wearing a worn leather jacket over an even more worn out wool sweater, blinked at him before letting out a self-depreciating laugh.
"Yeah, sorry..." he wasn't screaming or running or throwing things, so Lex counted it as a victory. "I didn't even think- Damn," a hand went up and combed through brown locks. "I wasn't even plannin' on doin' it. I was just standin' there feeling sorry for myself and... it just seemed like it would make things easier," the brunette lowered his eyes.
"Easier?" Lexington stared at him. "I can't see how turning yourself into a red splat on the concrete makes things any easier for anybody," he realized, belatedly, that that probably wasn't what you were supposed to say to suicidal people if you didn't want them jumping off rooftops. "Oh hey, I didn't mean-"
The man cut him off with an easy wave of the hand and a laugh.
"No you're right, that was really dumb," he didn't seem so upset now and Lex relaxed enough to smile back. "That was really, incredibly dumb," the brunette smiled apologetically. "This last year was really good for me - I mean, compared to the couple before - and then my girlfriend broke up with me this morning."
"Oh yeah," Lex nodded wisely despite having absolutely no experience in the area. "That'll do it."
"It's not like I was surprised or anything," the man rushed to reassure the gargoyle. "It's been a long time comin' and all she did was complain," he rolled his eyes. "But having to walk around with all the couples and the chocolate ads and the kissing..."
Now that, Lex could relate to.
"I know," Lex returned the eye roll. "Believe me, I get it. Bad enough you're alone but then it's like... everyone's throwing it in your face how happy they are."
"Exactly!" the brunette sat back, nodding. "And I started thinking about all the crap I went through before and I just... Well here I was," he spread his arms wide and gestured to the rooftop. "I wasn't really thinkin'. Thanks for the catch."
"No problem," Lex paused. "But... you know this is only a four story building," he said slowly. "I don't think the fall would've... you know."
The man blinked and glanced over the edge of the building at the ground - coated in a a fluffy looking layer of mud colored snow and empty moving boxes - which really wasn't as far away as he'd thought it was.
"Not right away at least."
"You're right," the brunette dropped his head into his hands and laughed again. "You're right," he swore before looking up again. "So now I owe ya for the catch and for the hospital bills. Thanks."
"Hey, all in a night's work," Lex held up his hand modestly and the two fell silent for a moment. "So, don't take this the wrong way or anything but you're taking the whole flying-monster-just-snatched-me-out-of-the-air thing really really well."
"Oh yeah," the brunette waved his hand dismissively as though the flying monster bit was just par for the course. "Met you guys before. Had a thing against the big one for a while, but don't worry," he smiled with a strange self-satisfaction. "I took care of it. Then I actually saved his life this one time."
Lexington blinked before one of Hudson's stories floated to the top of his mind.
"You're Banana Creme Pie Guy!"
"Guilty as charged," he didn't seem particularly shy about it and even bowed from his seated position like a show man. "Don't worry, I left Mr. Carter at home."
"Wow," Lex sat back. "I can't wait to tell the others I caught the Banana Creme Pie Guy," the brunette winced. "Er... I'll probably gloss over the reason you needed catching."
"Thanks I- you know what? You look real familiar," Banana Creme Pie Guy scooted closer to the gargoyle squinting. "We ever bump into each other before?"
"I think I'd remember meeting Banana Creme Pie Guy," Lexington crossed his legs and rested his arm on his knee as the man scooted ever closer.
"No really, you-" he snapped his fingers and sat up from the lean he'd adopted while peering at Lex's face. "You crashed my bike!"
"I- What?" Lexington balked. "No I..." he trailed off, eyes widening. "That was you?"
"I think I know the flying green thing that knocked me off my new motorcycle when I see it," he didn't sound mad so much as... pointed.
"Hey, I tried to give it back but you kept running away," Lex defended. "And then I sorta... crashed it for real."
"Yeah," Crashed Motorbike Guy nodded. "I saw the fire."
"I fixed it," Lexington winced. "It was pretty cool... until it got messed up...again. Totally not my fault that time," he added when he saw the look the man was giving him.
"I'm thinkin maybe you just shouldn't have a motorcycle," the brunette leaned back on his hands, looking mildly amused. "So how's this: I forgive you for the bike and we call it even on the whole falling off a building thing?"
"Sounds good to me," Lexington held out his hand and smiled when Crashed Motorbike Guy took it in a firm shake. "I don't think I ever got your name."
"Vinnie," the brunette gave him a lopsided smile. "Vinnie Grigori. And what do you go by when you aren't playing Guardian Angel?"
"I uh," Lexington failed in his effort not to blush. "I'm Lex. Lexington."
"My favorite avenue," Vinnie rested his chin on his fist, folding his legs beneath him. "So Lex, what you doing catchin' my dumb ass out of the air on a night like this? You already finish up with your Saint Val's plans or somethin'?"
"Uh no," Lex shot his own self depreciating smile at the man. "I didn't have any plans to begin with. Tonight it's just me, Brooklyn and Hudson on patrol. Everyone else is off..." he waved a hand. Vinnie raised his eyebrows.
"Come on," the brunette stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back on his hands again. Restless, Lex thought, like Brooklyn got sometimes. Or maybe just trying to stay warm by moving a lot. "Don't tell me a sweet thing like you is havin' trouble with the lady gargoyles."
"There's kinda ah... short supply of," Lex snickered under his breath " 'lady gargoyles'."
"Ok," Vinnie shrugged. "So how 'bout the boys?" Lex stared. "Don't look at me like that. You're..." he struggled for words for a minute. "Small. That's something you look for in a gargoyle, right?" Lex started laughing. "Hey," Vinnie nudged him with his foot, pouting. "I'm serious. You're compact, well proportioned," he waggled his eyebrows. "Cute."
"Alright, you've made your point," Lex poked him in the leg with a talon. "Why are you asking, Vinnie? Wanna be my Valentine?"
He meant it to be a tease, not a challenge.
"Oh no, kid, you do not wanna be playing No-Homo Chicken with me," Vinnie grinned, pointing at himself with both thumbs. "I played in college and trust me, I'll go all the way."
Lex pretended to himself that he didn't know what that meant.
"So is that a no then?" he couldn't help but ask. His face was hot but he hoped the dark night and his own coloring would help stop him looking red.
"Did I say that?" Vinnie played innocent very well. "'Cuz I don't remember sayin' that. I just thought you should know, before you start some shit you can't handle."
"I think I can handle anything you can dish out," Lex said with a over confident smirk.
He'd played bluffing games before, with Brooklyn and Broadway and before that at Wyvern with their other rookery brothers and sisters. He could handle it.
Vinnie's eyebrows shot to his hairline before he settled on a very cheesy grin.
"Oh yeah," Lex forced himself to keep a straight, serious face as he nodded. Vinnie inched closer.
"You sure about that?" Vinnie scooted closer, leaning so their faces were close. Lex blinked, watching their breath mingle in the air in front of them for a moment.
"Absolutely," he boasted. Vinnie's grin turned down right dirty and he somehow got closer. Lex felt bold. "So are you going to start something or just keep talking about it?"
"Oooh," Vinnie hissed as though he were in physical pain. "Low blow sweetheart, I just wanna make sure you're comfortable before we uh... get down to business."
"Well no, then," Vinnie blinked and Lex worked even harder to keep his face blank. "I'm cold, not comfy."
"Hey," complete with sleazy tone and sneaky arm over the shoulder nonsense Lex and the others liked to make fun of in movies. He almost lost it. Almost. "How 'bout I help you warm up then?"
"Well," Lex struggled to keep his face flat and his tone dismissive, "you can try."
And then Vinnie's face was RIGHT THERE. It took all of his will power to keep from jerking back. Judging from the look on Vinnie's face he wasn't entirely successful.
"You know what Yoda says," Lex could feel the warmth of each word on his lips and yeah, this was a lot further than the other games had ever gotten. " 'Do or do not. There is no try'."
Lex would have responded with something clever (he was sure he would have) except then it wasn't just warm breath on his lips. It was warm (and soft, he realized with a start) lips on lips.
And he started laughing.
Vinnie pulled back, arms raised to the sky.
"Woo! Vinnie wins again!" Mouth a wide grin he fist pumped a few times while Lex tried to gain control of himself. "Now just think," Vinnie backed away a few inches, making the space between them comfortable without being intimate, "you can go back to your friends and tell them all about how you spent Valentine's Day kissing Banana Creme Pie Guy."
Lex started laughing again.
"You making fun of my kissing?" Vinnie faked offended just as well as he did innocence. "I'll have you know that my kisses drive the ladies wild. Sorry if they don't stand up to your high and mighty gargoyle standards."
"Oh no, the kissing was great," Lex rolled his eyes. "I'm just thinking about the look on Goliath's face."
"It'd be priceless," Vinnie agreed with a nod. Below them a police siren roared to life and Lex gave his rooftop companion an apologetic look.
"Hey," Vinnie gave Lexington's leg a little pat. "Go do your superhero thing."
"Alright," Lex stood and stretched. "Have a nice night."
"You too, Lex," Vinnie stood, dusted off the back of his pants and started toward the fire escape, likely the way he'd gotten to the roof in the first place.
"Hey Vinnie," Lex stopped, crouched on the edge of the roof. Vinnie faced him. "No more rooftop swan dives, ok?"
"Oh yeah," he grinned and held a hand to his heart. "Scouts honor."
"Were you a scout?" Lex raised a doubtful eyebrow. Or would have, if he'd had eyebrows.
"Alright," Vinnie laughed and dropped the hand. "My word as Banana Creme Pie Guy. No more swan dives," Lex nodded and Vinnie started backing his way down the fire escape. "See you around Lex."
"You think so?"
"Oh yeah," Vinnie snorted just as his head disappeared over the edge of the building. "I'm surprised I don't trip over you guys on the way to the DMV."
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended—
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
A/N: No-Homo Chicken, for those of you who don't know, is when two people of the same gender play flirt with each other (usually to the point of, but not quite, kissing), trying to out do the other until one of them just can't keep going (too grossed out or is laughing to hard). Like the version played in cars at fast speeds the idea is that everyone involved know it's all bluffing and the winner gets the other to Chicken Out. It stops being fun right around the time you end up playing with someone who turns out to have been flirting for real.