Disclaimer: I do not own or profit from anything Torchwood, but I am forever grateful to those that do.
Set-up: A page tucked in the back cover of Ianto's diary. A letter written to Jack in between Season 1 and Season 2, just prior to Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I wanted to write an explanation of why Ianto did not sit with Jack's body with or instead of Gwen. In this letter he explains why.
Gwen stayed with you for almost 3 days, Jack. When she needed to step away for the loo or something she made sure someone was with you because she was so sure you were going to wake up. But I never went, Jack. I wanted to believe it like she did but I know something about hoping that Gwen doesn't. Hope is a sadistic bitch.
I hoped for so long and so hard that Lisa was going to be cured and that we could just ride off into the sunset. Hope clouded my judgement and made me blind to the fact that the Lisa I loved died back at Canary Wharf and that monstrosity was just some highly developed bit programming using her memories for self-preservation. Hope made me the perfect mark.
When that hope was gone I had almost nothing left. So I went through the motions of life because that was all I had and I thought that was all I deserved. But you saw me, Jack. Then you touched me. There was that spark that was there from when we first met. That spark somehow inexplicably lasted through secrets and betrayal and blood being spilled. That spark went up like an inferno. It was frighteningly gorgeous. It wasn't like with Lisa. This was a new phenomena entirely...us.
And I started to smile again. And little by little I felt good and normal and like I had a purpose and a place in this world, like maybe I had a place in your life. Was that arrogant considering your long and exciting existence? Even though it was mostly just (amazing) sex there were moments when you just held me. There was moments when you stood closer than necessary for no reason at all and you looked at me when you thought I didn't notice. There was stolen soft kisses and invitations to stay the night. And I hoped again. I hoped we could piece together some sort of a future together over time. I hoped you were falling in love with me like I was falling in love with you.
Then you died Jack. That giant beast took everything you had. You never stayed dead long enough to get completely cold before. Cariad, you were so very cold.
I couldn't bear to hope that you would come back from this. It would break me. More precisely it would crush me slowly over time. So I folded your clothes that you died in. I held your coat just to smell your scent. I wept. Good god I wept! Then I got up and went back to work. Gwen was down there sitting with your body and I fucking tidied up. I made coffee and cursed myself for grabbing your striped mug to put on the tray. If I was going to make it through this I just couldn't hope for a miracle that wasn't going to happen.
Then there you were! I was helping Tosh with the repairs on the rift manipulator and wondered why she ran off. I don't even remember walking over there, Jack. You reached for me right there in front of everyone. Then I was in your arms and you were kissing me. And you were warm again and you were holding me tight. God, you have beautiful eyes. I knew it then Jack, right then, that I had been hoping. I was holding my breath with unuttered prayers for 3 days. And you answered those prayers and so many other ones with one kiss.
Then we blinked and you were gone again.
Gwen's mad. Owen too. Tosh is confused, this just doesn't compute. There is no body to sit by this time. If there was I would be with you, Jack. I'm unafraid to hope this time. Heart and sanity be damned, I am hoping every minute of every day. I don't curse myself for accidentally pouring you a cup of coffee. I don't chide myself for making sure I brush the dust off your desk daily. Sure I get mad at you sometimes for leaving without a word. The loneliness gets to me. But some day you are going to walk back in that door and I will be ready and waiting. It's not even going to feel like a surprise, Sir. It's going to happen. It just has to, Jack. Here's hoping.
Let me know what you think! Good, bad or ugly (okay maybe not ugly), I want to hear if this moved you in any way. Thanks for reading!