Forgive Me

"Castiel?" Anna's voice is so low from all the indignant cries rising from the outraged crowd. I don't know how I hear it, only that she chokes out a broken sob after that hurts me so deeply I feel like my ribs are busting apart.

"Anna." I look up on the elevated stage. It was supposed to be the best day of her life. The day she would marry the man she would spend the rest of her life with, start a family with.

Anna has tears tracking down her cheeks from beneath the veil. Her mascara runs a bit, and her bottom lip is trembling. Her eyes are wide and pained.

"Wha-?" She covers her mouth with a shaky hand, hunching her shoulders like I'd punched the air right from her lungs.

"Fuck you!" Dean shouts, and I realize him and Micheal are in an altercation where Micheal is trying to get a hold of me and Dean is blocking him.

Sam looks horrified, he looks betrayed. But I can barely turn my eyes away from my sister. One of Anna's friends helps keep her up, and Anna buries her face into her neck. I can see no more as me and Dean are forced out of the church.

Gabriel had been more than happy to take on the role as problem child. He had been shunned by our family for several years after joining the porn industry and becoming fairly famous in his own right. Micheal and Lucifer still refused to talk to him other than polite conversation at family functions.

I don't think I would even get that.

"Boning big sisters boy toy? That's a whole new level of skank, Cassie." Gabriel sighed into the receiver.

After getting forcibly removed from the Church, I had gone home. Unable to speak to Dean even though he had attempted to snap me out of the fog I had fallen in.

That had been months ago.

Even Gabriel, my most liberal brother had steered clear of any contact with me until today, which helped me come back to reality.

"I didn't mean to hurt her." I whispered hoarsely. Unused to speaking. Kevin had come to the door once, knocking timidly, but I had been too terrified to open it. He's gone away after the second try. When I had come home from class the day after Dean's stunt at the wedding, both Sam and Kevin had moved out of our apartment, leaving me alone.

"I know. It's why I answered." Gabe sighed, and I could hear the reluctance in his voice. I had well and truly been ostracized by my friends and family. Months of solitude had been a punishment well deserved, I deserved to be miserable. I deserved this which is probably why I hadn't contacted Dean, even though he had countlessly seeked me out.

Dean had gone back to Kansas.

"Thank you." I murmured, feeling tears spring up in my eyes. Gabriel heaved a large sigh.

"How are you doing? How's school?" Gabriel asked, trying to help me be distracted from the choking emotion.

"Good, I've almost finished my bachelors." I inform. Anna would have been proud, probably boasted about how proud she was. But now she wouldn't even show up to my graduation, no one would.

"That's awesome, kiddo." Gabriel's smile sounded weak. Even he couldn't forgive me. The line was dead for silence for a long moment before I gathered the courage I needed.

"How is she?" I breathed, and my voice was small and terrified even to my own ears. I didn't have a right to know. Anna hadn't once attempted to talk to me and it had been three months.

"As good as you can be when you find out your fiance is fucking your jailbait little brother." Gabriel snorted.

"I'm twenty two." I remind huffily, although some of the younger students still called me sweetheart or cutie when I asked for directions on campus.

"Yeah, well, Dean's thirty something so that's pretty gross." Gabriel snipped. I wanted to rebuke him but I didn't.

"And Micheal and Lucifer?" I pressed. Samandriel was overseas for school and had surely heard of all the drama, but his monthly phone calls had stayed on schedule and he hadn't mentioned anything during their conversation.

"Fucking like rabbits, and then fighting like hell hounds, the usual. Lucy will probably be ready to forgive you soon, but Mikey might be a problem." Gabriel relayed, and he sounded distracted, like he was already bored with the conversation.

"I gotta go, I'll check in soon." Gabriel said suddenly.

"Gabriel-" I called, desperate to continue the conversation but I was only answered with a stagnant line. Hanging up the phone I rubbed at my forehead.

I was coming out of class when I saw Sam. It was hard to miss him, tall with his big sunny smile and usual flannel stretched over his broad chest as he laughed at something one of his friends said.

I'd forgotten how handsome Sam was. I'd also forgotten how at certain angles he looked just like Dean and how that sent red hot flashes of pain through my chest.

As if feeling my dumbstruck gaze on him he turned and spotted me gaping at him. My eyes felt large and wet and I was sure I looked like a kicked puppy sitting in a rainstorm begging to be taken home.

Sam stopped walking, shock flashing over his face before it went hard and his eyes narrowed a fraction in a glare. His smiling lips thinned into a tight white line.

I swallowed thickly, watching him watch me. His friend followed his gaze to me, and I barely made out his question for Sam.

"-ey, isn't that your friend?" Sam's shoulders bunched beneath his shirt. He blew a tendril of hair from in front of his face.

"Now anymore." His voice was low and serious, and I read his lips more than heard it. But it made tears well up in my eyes. Sam had been my bestfriend since highschool.

I watched him walk away, and because I didn't want to drive with tears in my eyes, like every cliche in the book I went to the bathroom and cried.

I pushed open the door and let the cool air splash across my damp face. The restaurant I worked in was hot and going in and out of kitchen to gather the food was even hotter. My all black uniform clung to me damply as I waved to my coworkers before stepping into the parking lot.

I saw the fucking car first. The car I had first been pressed into and kissed thoroughly in. I can't believe he still had it, and in pristine condition. The sleek black pain looked almost oil slicked as I followed the long lines of the vehicle to the owner who was never far.

Leaning against the side of the hood was Dean Winchester.

It was cold out so I could see his hot breath curl out from his lips like he was smoking a cigarette. His hands where shoved into the pockets of a brown leather jackets and his boots where crossed in front of him.

The dingy light from the streetlamp shone above head like a spotlight, and made his hair look more blonde, and the sharp lines of his nose and cheekbones standout.

God, he was beautiful.

"Hey kid." He greeted, green eyes meeting mine like tidal wave crashing throughout the parking lot and sweeping everything away. I choked on my breath and took a hasty step back to bump into the kitchen door.

"Dean-" The word wrenched from my very soul. I wasn't sure why, but I thought that I would probably never see Dean again. I came to terms with it and tried to shove it down into the very darkest part of me, and distract myself with my family.

But seeing him again reminded me just how stupid I was. I would never be able to get on without Dean. It was just the way it was.

"What? You not allowed to talk to me too?" He grinned, and it was sharp and reminded me of a predator. His green eyes flashed and I shook my head. His face softened.

"Come're then." He urged. I told myself not to listen, but my brow furrowed as I realized I was already halfway to him.

"We sure fucked up, huh?" He said as I neared. I nodded, letting my eyes slide closed as he cupped my jaw in his large hands.

"I should have known better, this is all my fault." Dean whispered, and his thumb curled behind my ear.

"It's not." I mouthed into his palm. I heard his throat click as he swallowed and looked up at him.

"It-it's not like I got off on hurting her you know. I tried so hard, I loved her too. I did but, not like I love you. I was scared, I mean I think I'm bi or maybe it's just you. But I didn't mean too-" Dean spoke quickly, frantically. I gripped his wrist, and pulled him closer.

"Everyone thinks I'm some pervert or something, and it's because your a kid. I know alright, I know your fucking naive and innocent and way too good for me and I shouldn't even breath the same air as you. But I can't stop, and I know that I really fucked everything up. I mean .. I stole your virginity and practically fucking rape-"

"You didn't." I reassured for the thousandth time.

"But I think about you all the time, and even when I was back in college you were everything. Maybe it was a big gay freakout, but I should have told everyone back then. I should have confessed it all back then. But I didn't. I ruined everything Cas. I ruined our lives and all because I couldn't admit it to myself that I loved you more than anything else in the entire fucking world." Dean's voice was ragged and harsh.

His green eyes damp with unshed tears.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered.

"It's okay." I pressed my lips against his trembling ones.

"Sammy won't even talk to me, and Anna-" Dean rasped.

"It's okay, Dean." I pulled him down into a hug, wrapping myself around him like I could protect him from the rest of the world.

"I ruined everything, Cas. I'm so sorry." Dean choked, clinging to the back of my uniform.

"It's okay, Dean. I forgive you."