Summary: He wasn't quite sure how it had got to this, but here he was, standing on a beach somewhere on Pen Haxico 2, conducting a wedding ceremony for two forms of artificial intelligence that didn't even seem to like each other. Oneshot. Also a crossover with Red Dwarf.
A/N: I don't even know how I came up with the idea for this. It's absurd, but please just go with it. Holly and Marvin are basically getting married just because I think they'd make an amusing couple. Also note, Pen Haxico 2 is the planet with lots of beaches mentioned by Max Capricorn in Voyage of the Damned, and the reason the Doctor doesn't remember where he knows Zaphod from is because he only had one head the first time they met. Movie version of Hitchhiker's, because round-headed-Alan-Rickman-Marvin is adorable, and set during season four-ish of Red Dwarf (so female Holly) and season seven of Doctor Who.
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or Red Dwarf.
The Doctor cleared his throat and straightened his bow tie, before addressing the assembly before him. "Right then, gang, shall we do this?" he began, before backtracking slightly, "And, er, by 'gang' I mean collective individuals who are friends of these two robots…"
"I'm not a robot," he was interrupted by a rather bored but indignant sounding female voice. "I'm a tenth generation AI hologrammatic computer. If I was a robot I wouldn't have to be wheeled round everywhere on a trolley mounted computer screen."
The Doctor looked down at the computer screen in question, knowing that was a stupid mistake to make, especially for him, but he was still a bit discombobulated by just how he'd ended up being here or agreeing to do this in the first place. "Quite right," the Doctor corrected himself. "Sorry. My mistake. So, what I mean to say is, we're all gathered here today to witness the joining of this tenth generation AI hologrammatic computer and this robot…"
Just then, he was interrupted again. "Oh, so you'll call me a robot?" said an even more bored sounding male voice, coming from the disproportionately large spherical head on the body of an android standing beside the computer screen. "You call her by her full title, but I'm just 'the robot'. Well, never mind, go ahead and call me that. It's not like anyone ever asked me what I wanted to be called anyway."
"Um, sorry about that," said the Doctor, unusually for him at a bit of a loss for words, considering the whole situation was rather strange. "What would you like to be called?"
"If you're calling her a hologrammatic computer then you could at least call me a prototype of Sirius Cybernetic Corporation's Genuine People Personalities technology," he mumbled sulkily.
There was a moment's pause, and then the Doctor said, "Yes, of course, but, er… you do realise you are a robot?"
That was evidently the wrong thing to say, as had the robot been capable of pouting, it would have done so. "That's right, call me whatever you want to call me. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, I'm just a robot. Nothing I say matters."
"No, you're right, I'm sorry," the Doctor quickly backpedalled, realising this AI was far more emotionally sensitive that just about any other he'd encountered. "It's entirely your choice what you'd like me to call you. So, in that case, what I mean is, we're gathered here today to witness the joining of this tenth generation AI hologrammatic computer and this prototype of Sirius Cybernetic Corporation's Genuine People Personalities technology," - he made sure to use the full title - "together in love…"
That was as far as he got before he was interrupted again. They were barely two minutes into the ceremony, and already the Doctor was starting to think this was getting annoying. "We're not in love," the female protested, to which the robot mumbled something miserably in response.
"Of course we're not. How could anyone love me?"
The Doctor just stared at the both of them. "But you're getting married."
"We performed an algorithm that indicated we were both computationally compatible," the computer explained, "I'm suffering from computer senility and his CPU is the only processor in the universe that could restore my IQ of 6000 to its full functionality."
"And the Infinite Improbability Drive sent us to the one location in the universe where I would find a computer who could stimulate my planet sized brain," the robot continued the explanation. "That means we have to get married. It's supposed to cure my depression, but I'm not very hopeful."
"Right…" said the Doctor, thinking this really was quite a strange situation for him to be in, and he'd been in quite a few. "So how long have you actually known each other?"
"About three hours," answered the blonde woman on the computer screen.
"Three hours?" The Doctor continued staring at them incredulously. "I mean, I've had a spur of the moment wedding before, and there was that incident with Queen Elizabeth I, but that didn't turn out so well. Are you sure that this is a good idea?"
"No, I think it's a terrible idea," said the robot, but the Doctor supposed he should have seen that coming.
"Don't listen to him," said the AI on the computer screen with a roll of her eyes. "He'll feel better once we're sharing processing power."
"No I won't," muttered the robot in response, and the other AI was about to make another comment when they were interrupted by someone shouting from the audience.
"Look, will the pair of you just get on with it," said a man with dreadlocks on the computer's side of the assembly, who sounded oddly like he was from 20th century Liverpool. "You promised there'd be chicken vindaloo at the reception, and I'm starving."
"Hey, never mind about you being starving," shouted someone else from the robot's side, who for some reason was wearing a dressing gown, "What I still want to know is, why you keep saying you're from Earth in the 22nd century supposedly millions of years ago, when I know for a fact that Earth was blown up in the year 2005 just last month. I don't trust you, and Marvin-" he said, addressing the robot, "I think you're making a mistake."
Keeping up its perpetual attitude of forlorn pessimism, the robot just mumbled, "Everybody always thinks I'm making a mistake."
The woman beside the man in the dressing gown elbowed him before saying disapprovingly, "Don't be like that, Arthur. This might be his only chance to be happy."
Meanwhile, the man with dreadlocks on the other side of the aisle was looking at the Doctor and shaking his head. "I don't know what he's talking about. Keeps going on about the Earth being blown up by Vogons for a hyperspace bypass or something. He's smegging crazy, if you ask me."
The Doctor just nodded and gave a dismissive wave of his hands, figuring out what they were talking about and realising it was of little importance. "Oh, all that's just timey-wimey stuff. Comes from travelling across space faster than the speed of light. Don't worry, it'll sort itself out. Things will get back to happening in the right order eventually. Now, would you like me to continue with the ceremony?"
He asked the two AIs, one of which responded with, "Alright then," while the more depressed one just said, "If you want. I don't care."
That was hardly enthusiastic, but looking at the peculiar mix of people who were stood around watching expectantly – which included a mechanoid and a man with two heads that the Doctor was sure he recognised from somewhere – he decided to just get on with it.
"Right then," he continued. "I think I'm just going to skip all the boring parts and get to the point. Holly, do you take Marvin to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," she answered, sounding completely bored.
"And Marvin, do you take Holly to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I suppose so," he answered unenthusiastically, but the Doctor supposed that was as good as he was going to get from the android.
"Okay then, in that case I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may, uh, exchange downloads with the bride. Or something."
The two AIs turned to look at each other, both still looking bored out of their minds. "I've probably got no data you'd be interested in downloading," Marvin lamented.
"Maybe we could set up a Bluetooth link and play five dimensional chess," Holly drawled, as if she really couldn't care less.
"What's the point? I'd only win."
"No you wouldn't."
"I've never lost before."
"You've never played against me before."
The Doctor watched them proceed down the aisle, Marvin dragging his feet and Holly wheeling slowly on her trolley, and smiled at them. "Look at that, bickering like an old couple already," he commented, "And for what it's worth, I think they make a great match for each other." Which was true. The completely apathetic computer and the depressed robot did seem well suited to each other in terms of personality, although the Doctor did hope Holly could cheer Marvin up a bit.
"Hey, uh, Doctor, is it?" the two headed man called out to him, flashing him a double grin. "You wanna join us for the reception now? Have some fun partay-ing?"
The Doctor considered that just briefly, watching the wedding party move away en-masse, but he was pretty sure that going to a party with such an odd bunch as this would not be a good idea. "Oh, um, thanks, but no thanks," he answered, "I best get off. Got places to be."
The two-headed man – who the Doctor was still sure he recognised, but couldn't fathom why he'd forget a man with two heads – looked like he was going to insist, but fortunately for the Doctor he was distracted by a man strutting – and yes, strutting was the only word for it – over from Holly's side of the wedding party to talk to him.
"Hey, buddy," said the newcomer, who was grinning just as widely as the first man and showing very white teeth with pointed canines. "That is a very fine suit you are wearing. You know, I think it would look great on me."
Looking at the pair of them, the Doctor had to admit that although he'd worn some odd choices of apparel in his time, he'd never gone with something quite as absurd as the mustard yellow and neon green pinstripes and polka-dots style things that these two men were wearing now. They also seemed like a very good match for each other, if flashy grins and terrible colour clashes were anything to go by. The two of them had quickly descended into a deep conversation about clothes, and the Doctor decided it would be best to get out of here before they asked him to marry them as well.
He still wasn't quite sure how it had got to this, since he'd only ended up on this planet due to a TARDIS malfunction in the first place, but in the process of looking for repair supplies he'd found himself being approached by two AIs asking him to marry them. And then, a few short minutes later, he was standing on a beach somewhere on Pen Haxico 2, conducting a wedding ceremony for two forms of artificial intelligence that didn't even seem to like each other. Now that that was out of the way, he thought he'd quite like to get back to the TARDIS and get out of here. Hopefully, whatever malfunction had occurred earlier was a result of the Infinite Improbability Drive Marvin had mentioned, and now this whole thing could just be nothing more than an odd little story he'd have to tell Amy and Rory next time he saw them.