There he was. Staring at me. Directly into my eyes. All i wanted to do was grab him closer. But i couldn't. he has no idea how i feel about him. But quite frankly, i just want to yell out "AUSTIN CARLILE YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE BEEN". But he would say " Chris, i don't look at you like that". All my emotions are jumpled up inside right now. i just don't know what to say to him. but i know for sure, the truth must come out.
As my band, motionless in white, and i were on our way to phili for a concert tour we have been doing with of mice & men, we stopped at a gas station. It was about 2 am and it was really dark. Austin and i went inside to get some food at the mini mart. He went to get the drinks and i had to get the food. as he was making slushies i couldn't help but to stare. He's just so perfect. no flaws, nothing. I just wanted to grab him push him agaisnt the wall and, ah i just couldn't. we all know that him and kellin are together. Everyday i think to myself, " what does he have that i don't" i love austin. so much. But he sees me as nothing more, but a friend.
We grabbed all the shit we needed and started heading to the bus. As i was walking up the steps, austin slapped my ass. Chills went through my body as i laughed and sat down. It may be hard to believe but i am actually very easy to change my emotions from the inside and onto the outside. So, i'm pretty good at covering up my love for him. I was getting tired. Until alan suggested we all get drunk as fuck, considering it was our last night in the tour. So, knowing me, i was the first to gulp down the vodka. All the guys were getting crazy. Then the bus stopped. "what's going on?"i asked. austin replied, " oh we're picking up kellin... if that's okay" "oh," i said, " ... that's fine." i sat down in shut down mode. Kellin came on hugged & greeted everyone, and hugged me last. But kissed austin right in front of me. i went into an even more shut down mode.
I drank some more, due to my depression of my love loving someone else, and it got to the point where everything was just floating. Then all the guys took of their clothes and started dancing around the bus. Austin, in particular, started dancing sexually on my lap. Basically, it was a lap dance. I couldn't help myself, but i gained to control myself. i quickly got up and layed in my bed. Austin ran in. "what's wrong?" he was stumbling because he was so drunk. All i could remember in my head was "drunk words are sober thoughts" so it just slipped out. Actually, no. It POURED out. everything i have been feeling just poured out of me like a waterfall. " I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS HAVE BUT YOU'RE WITH THAT FUCKING GIRL SINGER KELLIN AND YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKING LIKE ME BACK AND IT BREAKS MY HEART. YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT.I LOVE YOU AUSTIN. I REALLY FUCKING DO. THAT'S WHATS..." he kissed me. i mean i guess it was a cute way to shut me up, but i was confused. "why'd you do that? he shushed my lips, locked the door pushed me on the bed and it happened. it was most likely by far the best moment of my life. Until kellin walked in.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS" -Kellin
"BABE IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE" - austin
"Well this is awkward"- me
" HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, I REALLY LOVED YOU."- kellin
"I LOVE YOU TOO, I JUST I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING."- austin
"YOU WERE FUCKING CHRIS. THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE FUCKING DOING."- kellin
i chuckled at kellin's high pitched scream.
Kellin didn't think it was funny. "YOU WANNA LAUGH TOUGH GUY"
he pushed me. so to my instincs, i punched him. we started attacking each other,
Austin tried his very best to seperate us from almost killing each other.
I couldn't understand how i could go from having an intimate moment with the love of my life, to fighting a barking chiuawa.
then that's when it hit him. my right hand hooked him right in the jaw. he passed out. he hit his head on the corner of the table and started bleeding repulsively. i stood there. watching austin comforting him.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."- Austin
"BUT AUSTIN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I DIDNT MEAN.." - me
" I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I FUCKING HURT YOU."
"AUSTIN YOU DON'T GET IT"- me
"NO CHRIS YOU DON'T GET IT, I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU. I NEVER LIKED YOU, THIS WHOLE THING WAS A FUCKING MISTAKE. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."
i was so overly agervated with this whole thing. i completely lost it. i took everything off the shelves and threw them all over the bus. i got over the bus, and ran into the closet mini mart. i started slamming my head on the glass doors on the inside. i started screaming and punching and just loosing control.
then two guys came in, dressed in all black with badanas on. i sat there not making a sudden move.
"GIVE ME ALL THE FUCKING MONEY. NOBODY MOVE." - the guy said
my heart was beating out of my chest.
this is it. i was going to die.
they ran over to me and i didn't even try to fight back.
all that was in my head was : NO CHRIS YOU DON'T GET IT, I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU. I NEVER LIKED YOU, THIS WHOLE THING WAS A FUCKING MISTAKE. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.
i grabbed the man's gun and took a bullet right to left side of my head.