A/N: This has to be the most challenging fic for me till date. I had millions of ideas roaming in my head. RainbowBetty, I loved "Closure" and I'm glad you gave me permission to write a follow up! I just had to figure out how Dean would react. Hopefully, this is something you pictured. To everyone else who hasn't read "Closure", I would advise reading it before you start on this as it might help you understand better.
The letter is written by RainbowBetty in Sam's P.O.V. in "Closure". I needed to use the letter to make this story seem more sensible. Halfway through, when Dean is reading the letter, its all in Dean's P.O.V.
Sam is rarely ever drunk. But ever since Dean has come back, its been more of a regular thing when the boys are not hunting. Dean felt annoyed at Sam, but more than the annoyance was concern. Sam was usually snapping at Dean to reduce his alcoholic needs but right now, its like they switched roles.
Dean was on the bed in their motel room, trying to catch up with what had happened the year he was in Purgatory. Sam had completely abandoned looking for him; he had quit hunting. The run-away-from-hunting maybe Dean understood as he knew Sam never wanted this life. But to not look for him, to not even try? This pained Dean even more. What was worse, Dean learned of someone named –Amanda?- no wait, -Amelia- that's right. Sam had left him for a girl. A freakin' girl! How could Sammy do that?
True, the guy had no idea where Dean was. But the thought that Sam didn't even try overrode Dean's sense of judgment. Dean was staring absently at the laptop screen, frozen on the page of a newspaper article. Dean had been hunting non-stop ever since he had managed to get out. Being in purgatory made him realize how important hunting suddenly had become to him. Then again, hunting was a distraction from Sam's supposed betrayal.
Dean was scrolling down over the article, engrossed in research when suddenly –
"DDDEEEAAAANNNNN." yelled Sam.
Dean jumped out of his skin, nearly sending the laptop crashing to the floor. He managed to save himself and the laptop from tumbling and looked at Sam. The kid was drunk. Again.
"Sam. Hey. You drunk again?"
"May-be." said Sam in a sing song voice.
"Alright Sasquatch. Let's get you in bed."
Dean helped navigate Sam towards the bed. Sam was really out of it. Dean worried how much the kid had drunk this time. Sam was mumbling to himself, not making any sense.
"…all those months….tired of it…..amelia…..Riot…..DEAN!"
"Yeah, buddy I'm right here. Whoa Sam. Come on. Make it till the bed then loose your legs will ya?!" Dean was startled yet again by Sam suddenly yelling his name. But this time he sensed an urgency to it. And the next second, Sam was passing out on Dean.
With a huge amount of huffing and puffing and dragging, Sam was snoring soundly on the bed. Dean removed Sam's boots, and somehow managed to navigate Sam's mile long hands out of his jacket. Just as he was pulling the blanket over Sam, he noticed a note lying on the floor next to the jacket. It must have fallen out. Dean made to put it back when he saw his own name scribbled across the folded piece of paper.
What Sam doesn't know won't hurt him. Thought Dean. The curiosity was too much. He carried the paper back to his own bed. He sat down and opened it.
God, I miss you. Do you even have any idea? I don't know to do this without you.
All those times I was stupid enough to think I could run away from our life because I didn't need you, or Dad, or anyone, I still knew you were there. You had my back when I didn't deserve it. Thanks to you, I grew up not having to face what it meant to be alone.
No Sam. You weren't stupid to think you wanted a different life. Of, course I was there. I've always been there haven't I? You always deserved it you idiot. We always look out for each other. Oh Sam.
And after you died, I did nothing but screw up because I couldn't handle it. And I know how weak that makes me, I do. And yeah, I know you've told me it doesn't matter.
I wish to God you were here now to pick a fight over it.
Screw up? What are you talking- No Sam! You're not weak. It doesn't matt-
I somehow find myself smiling a little as I see that Sam can predict my reactions just as well as I can his. Oh Sam. You thought I was dead?
But I wouldn't, Dean. I take it back. I take it all back, every wrong move, every stupid mistake, every single thing I did that led up to this. If I could think of a way to change it, I would. I've sat here for days, literally, replaying those last moments in my head, trying to figure out any I could have made it end differently. And you know what? As near as I can figure, there are at least ten thousand different variables in any given moment. I'm making myself crazy. Literally crazy.
Damn it Sam! I didn't know you thought of it like this. Wow. Crazy is certainly starting to be a regular thing with you.
And damn it, now I'm laughing and crying at the same time because I can see the look you'd be giving me, and the smart-ass comments about crazy really starting to be a thing with me, and Dean it's like you're not even gone.
It's like, I wake up in the middle of the night and I still listen for the sound of you breathing in the bed by the door. I catch myself feeling bad about how much hot water I'm using.
Sammy….shit. I'm so sorry…
Honestly? I've thought about not waking up. And then I think about how hard you fought to keep me here. So no, I can't do that to you.
I just miss you so damn much.
And I'm sorry. So damn sorry for everything.
Not waking up?! Are you fucking kidding me!? What? Of, course I fought for you. I always have. Oh thank God. I swear I would have pummeled you if I found out you…died...
I missed you too Sam. No. You don't have to be sorry.
I come to the end of the page, and I flip it over. There is more….and it's a bit rough. Tears….dried tears. Oh Sam.
I always thought I knew myself, you know? Who I was, what I was going to be. I sure as shit wasn't going to have the life you and Dad had. I knew what I wanted.
The funny thing is Dean, the older I got, the more we went through, the easier it was to see what I really wanted. And it wasn't what I thought. I just wanted something I could count on. Believe in. Trust that it would be the same as when I woke up every morning. That thing was you.
Of all the things I thought I wanted to be, all I really needed, all this time, was just to be your brother.
Shit Sam. So Amelia wasn't just a girl. She was the next thing you believed in. The next thing you counted on. How could I have been such a bitch?! I get it Sam. I too just need you. Need to be your big brother. And take care of my pain-in-the-ass little brother right?
I know you'd kick my ass if I said any of this to your face. But fuck it.
I love you, Dean.
Damn right. I definitely would have kicked your ass. But fuck it. I love you too Sam.
Dean slowly lowered the letter. Guilt, horror, shame, pride, affection, love, all came crashing down on him. Finally he understood. Sam thought he was dead. Sam thought he was in heaven. And by the way Sam's big brain works, Dean pretty much figured out that Sam thought that Dean was finally at peace. Tears began to flow freely from Dean's hazel green eyes and he made no effort to stop them.
He stared at his brother's peaceful, snoring form and felt relief. Felt protectiveness. Sam had considered suicide. But he was here now. He were broken. They both were. But all broken things can be fixed. All wounds can be healed if not completely made invisible. Scars would be left, but they would be healed.
Dean lay down on his bed. He tucked the letter under his pillow. He stared at Sam and slowly, the hypnotic snores of Sam made Dean fall into oblivion. Just as he was about to go under, he promised himself to give Sam a big hug and beatdown in the morning.
The hug for knowing how Sam felt and hopefully conveying a lot of unspoken truths. Also, Sam may not have said all this to his face, but he was going to get his ass kicked anyway, the little bitch.
Hope you all liked it! This was very tough to write. The credit for Sam's letter goes a 100% to RainbowBetty. I really advise checking out her "Closure" fiction and the rest. She is an amazing writer! And Betty, I hope this was good enough for you! If you find any sort of thing that maybe does not fit, do not hesitate and let me know immediately! :D
Please leave reviews guys! You all make my day!
UPDATE : I'm getting crazy messages from you guys for a sequel to this story. I'm thinking of adding an epilogue just for you guys! :D Me and Betty discussed some ideas, and I'm going to go with hers. It was better than my suggestion. I'll have it up soon. :D Look out for it.