Dear Doomed Teenager,

Um…wow. I could go on and on about all the wrong turns you've taken to get where you are now – with a wedding to an obsessed, older man tomorrow morning and a flawed scheme to reunite with the husband you met less than a week ago, who, I might add, is currently in exile for killing your cousin. It's pretty obvious you're in deep, and there will be no turning back from here on out, but that's not what you came here for. You've got twelve hours before the dreaded "I do," and I might just have the perfect half-baked solution for you.

What do we have here? You're at your laptop under the covers, having just learned the wedding date has been bumped a day sooner. Your best laid plans are falling apart like a burrito. Earlier today, this friar gave you a potion that will render you comatose for a little less than two days. Who gave this guy a license again? Whatever. While I question your trust, if you still plan on going along with his idea, at least do it right. First, as soon as you're done reading this, grab the rattiest clothes you can find. Tear up your nightgown and find a pair of pants to pass off as a beggar or something like that. Next, you're going to run like the wind to wherever this friar lives. Throw rocks at a window or something, just get him to wake up so you can inform him of the change of plans. Get him to confirm that he will be there to help you out of the vault 42 hours after you drink the potion, because you will be drinking that potion. I don't think I can stop you from doing that. Romeo will arrive in Verona a day later, but until then, you will stay hidden at Friar Lawrence's house. Then, once you're together again, catch the first thing smoking out of town, in disguise.

After that, your prospects don't look so good, but hey, I only promised an immediate remedy. If you follow through with what I'm telling you, you could be in for a long, bitter, disappointing marriage in isolation. After escaping to Mantua, you will be literally dead to your family and friends, and if you tell them you're alive and with your man, you'll be metaphorically dead to them, disowned. At this point in time, I don't know what choice you have, but you're going to be leaving behind all of your loved ones, except for Romeo, who you can expect to cheat on you in the next six months if the whole Rosaline deal is anything to go by. He dropped her like a hot potato. I don't want you to be that hot potato, Juliet. You deserve better than that. Another possibility is that you'll get caught, either on your way to Friar Lawrence's right now, after he picks you up from the mortuary, or when you and Romeo are escaping to Mantua. If you don't go through with the plan, though, expect spending the time of your life bearing the children of the chauvinistic County Paris. You'll have almost no way out, considering how hard it is to get a divorce these days, and he's a boor. So, not much different than Romeo, but at least then you'd have a couple good years. Good luck.


Positive Penelope