ME: A Gamer Girl's Memoir

By: Nerdymum

For legal purposes, recognizable Mass Effect characters in the following story are sole property of BioWare. This fanfic has not been created for any monetary gains. Likeness to any person, living or dead, is strictly coincidental. Also, I do not claim ownership to the following: Halo game series, Bioshock, Harper's Bazaar, Wired, Supergirl and any elements of DC comics or Marvel, Consumer Reports, and any references to Star Trek or Avatar (I think that covers it!).

Chapter 1: Friday night

"Here's the new Halo promo," Jason flopped the small white envelope on my coffee table next to the empty Starbucks cup that used to contain my venti caramel macchiato with skim milk and extra shot of espresso. He stepped back and crossed his arms over his Green Lantern shirted chest, a smirk crossing his face.

"Seriously, Sara; again?"

I didn't look away from my 60" LED as I continued to push the myriad of buttons on my Xbox controller. I was currently in a tight spot, stuck in Insanity mode, but I had played the game five times before so I had a pretty good idea of what I was getting into.

"Yes, again. I was depressed by the last God of War installation and I needed a little pick-me-up. Shit! Damned husk!" I cursed as I maneuvered my version of a male Commander Shepard through the derelict Reaper. I had shaped him to look like Robert Downey Jr., which Jason found ridiculous and a bit telling. I even made the armor the same colors as the Iron Man suit. I was bored…

Jason sighed and flopped down onto my sofa, picking up a copy of Wired magazine, right next to my stack of Bazaar.

"You're obsessed, my little southern belle. I mean, I understand the value of a good game replay, but six times?"

"The last time I played I used my FemShep, so the game content was different. This time I'm gonna romance Tali. Can't stand that Miranda!" I swore again when Robert Shepard Jr. died, ending my mission for the moment. Just in time for a break, I decided as I rubbed my cramped hand.

"Okay, fine. She wasn't my favorite character, either, but there's an issue when you play Sara Shepard. You always romance Thane. Why not Jacob or Garrus or even get freaky and hit up on crazy Kelly? She gives you a sexy lap dance!" he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I stood up and walked to my refrigerator to grab two Cokes from my endless supply.

"Because my crazy female sensibilities won't allow me," I answered as I sat down next to him and took the copy of Wired from him, replacing it with the latest issue of Bazaar, featuring some gorgeous Hollywood starlet on the cover.

"Here," I flipped open the cover. "New Gucci Fall show's featured in here. So loving their coats!"

Jason's hazel eyes widened and he flipped quickly through the pages, scanning over the fashion with slight interest.

"Back to the original subject; explain your reasoning for sexing the drell. Ooh!" he landed on a page I had marked. The super tall, super skinny model was in a completely unrealistic pose in the middle of a creepy-looking amusement park dressed in clothes that no sane fashionista would be caught dead wearing in such a place. "New Louboutins?" he pointed to the super high, super sexy, bright red-soled stiletto.

"Hells yes!" I nodded with absolution. "As soon as I get that check for my Consumer Reports review those babies are mine!"

"With that cute Dior mini?"

I snorted when he pointed to the short dress.

"Yeah, right! Like my figure can carry that off! On that model it looks sophisticated and chic. On me, I'd look like some bastard Kardashian doubling as a street walker," I took a sip of my cola.

"Aw, poor Sara!" he patted me on top of my head. "You're built good, girl! If I wasn't gay I'd be all up in your space," he grinned.

"Ha! If you weren't gay you'd be all up in that model's space," I pointed to the girl wearing "my shoes". "I'm a short, geeky chick with serious near-sightedness and a penchant for tee-shirts that feature superhero logos," I pulled the front of my faded Batman shirt flat to display the proof.

"Avoiding my question, again! Why do you only romance Thane?"

I sighed and propped my socked feet on my coffee table as I picked lint balls from my sweatpants.

"Because Jacob is a whiny little brat. 'Oh, my dad's an asshole!' Bitch, please! And Garrus? I mean, that's like fucking your brother! He's too loyal of a friend and to approach him with romantic intent, in my opinion, would just be awkward. And I'm not freaky so I steer clear of Kelly Chambers. So, logic dictates that you go for the super hot super buff deadly assassin who quotes philosophy and has a voice like a sex god. Plus he's one damn fine mo-fo in all that skin-tight leather," I grinned at the thought. I watched as my friend's perfectly groomed eyebrows rose with suspicion.

"Logic dictates? You are the furthest thing from ever being a Vulcan, sweetie. You bawled like a baby at Avatar."

"Hey!" I pointed a finger at his nose, "That tree was thousands of years old and the Na'Vi's home! Poor giant blue kitties. And you lay off my Vulcan peeps! They be prosperin'!"

Jason laughed at my joking and shrugged.

"Okay, so you have some weird, unrealistic crush on a man who most likely doesn't exist. You would think as a professional game reviewer you would be willing to give the other romances a shot. It's only logical, to quote Mr. Spock."

I looked at my friend with question, feeling the smirk cross my face.

"A crush, really? What am I, like, six years old on the fucking playground? It's fascination for BioWare's ability to get under my skin as a woman. They have created a character so complex and full of depth and emotion that I just can't help myself. What really pisses me off was that they showed naughty scenes with 'The Priiiiiize' Jacob and 'I'm So Horrifically Perfect' Miranda, but those lazy bastards couldn't lift a precious finger on their animation screens to give me a nude drell assassin. Like I want to see the J-Lo sized ass of Miranda when I can clearly look into the mirror and gaze upon my own fat disaster!"

Jason flinched and recoiled slightly at my angry fan-girl speech.

"Damn, girl! You've got one hell of a hard-on for him, don't you?"

I laughed and shook my head at him. Too bad, I thought for a brief second. Jason's actually pretty cute. But he is gay and his partner is more of a couture freak than I am. And I had a stash of designer shoes and handbags in my odd-ball of a wardrobe, right next to the collection of nerdy tee-shirts and skinny jeans.

"Well, that's telling. Guess now I know who has the bigger dick between the two of us."

He laughed again and drew his attention back to the fashion magazine.

"Sara, you are a trip."

"Yes, I do that a lot. And yet I'm sure if I stopped wearing platform pumps that would happen less."

"They make your butt look good," he replied nonchalantly. My smirk returned as I finished my caffeinated beverage.

"So, you're checking me out, huh? I'm telling George."

"He'd tell you the same thing. Forgive me, but I do notice these things. Hard to look away when it's right there. It's a nice butt, for a girl butt. You is a bootylicious babe!"

I burst out laughing and nearly fell off my sofa as I grasped at my aching gut.

"I cannot believe you actually said that word!"

"I have a reason for noticing your girlish figure. You're the only really cool chick at the magazine, except for Mary, and she's clearly not one of us. She's on the far left side of normal. Hell, Sara, the entire gaming community who reads our sad rag is probably infatuated with you. You are an awesome woman. You wear Spiderman tee-shirts with Diesel jeans and Guiseppe Zanotti heels, carrying around that Gucci bag with copies of Bioshock 3. You are every straight nerdy boy's wet dream."

I snorted in denial as I picked at my cracked cuticles. Manicure, my ass! I'm not that high-maintenance!

"Even in these horrible hipster specs? Besides, I don't even want to think about what some overweight dude living in him mom's basement and what he thinks of me at two in the morning. Speaking of overweight, I really need to start hitting the gym again. I'm getting a muffin-top."

"No, you don't," Jason playfully punched me in the arm. "You look great. You just need to do something with this sad mop of hair. Get some hot, red highlights, some face-framing layers."

My ponytail was smacked across my face as he flipped it around.

"Don't touch da hair!" I did my worst John Travolta impersonation as I swatted his hand away. "I work really hard and ya touch it!"

"Well, I gotta go," he handed back my magazine and went to stand up, finishing his own can of soda. "If you need anything, call me."

I nodded and woke my controller.

"Yeah, yeah. You realize, one of these days I'm going to call at three in the morning just to say 'Jay, I need you! Now!'" I said in a husky, desperate voice.

"You are disturbed."

"I've been told that. Oh, and when you get home, give Georgie Boy a big, fat, wet, French kiss from me, kay?" I kissed in the air.

"You're disturbed and troubled, Sara. You need to get laid," he threw on his jacket. I maneuvered Robert Shepard Jr. down one of the hallways of the Cerberus base, the voice of the handsome drell rasping something about "There are too many shadows in here."

"Troubled, yes. Frustrated sexually, no. I've discovered that celibacy makes me play better. It's my little secret, so don't tell anyone or I'll send you to the Phantom Zone," I warned.

"Oh, don't you worry, Supergirl; I've got your kryptonite locked away until further notice. See you on Monday," he waved as he walked out my door.

"Night!" I called to him.

I continued my game up to the point my MaleShep romanced the cute quarian Tali and turned off my console. I yawned and stood up from my seat, legs tingling from being crossed for a few hours. I glanced down at the game case at the character of Thane Krios. He was a lovely shade of peridot green and had the face that even Michelangelo couldn't have carved. What really brought the character to life was the voice; the flanged gravelling the sound producers added to the dark, soft vocals gave him this rough and extremely sensuous purr. Listening to him made me sigh in adoration, even squeal at times when he lovingly called my FemShep a "Siha". Sara Shepard was created in my image which made the game even more endearing to me. But, as much as I hated to admit it, Jason was right. I did have some kind of weird geek girl crush on the drell.

How sad is that!

I shook my head and walked back to bed after setting all the locks on my door and shutting off the lights. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep, and when I did I had some rather graphic dreams involving a handsome reptilian man with large black eyes and a mouth that only plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills could replicate. Sometimes, I thought just as my eyes closed, it sucks being thirty-two and single.

O . . . O. . . O

A loud crash immediately woke me up. I bolted up and I tried to calm myself then grabbed the ball bat next to my bed and quietly rushed down the tall, my heart pounding in my chest. If it was guy wanted for strangling his girlfriend I had seen reported on the evening news he was going to be bludgeoned to death.

Put me in jail for trying not to get raped! I watch the fucking local television!

I crept slowly towards my living room, the ball bat before me protectively. Then, I saw the shadow. It was a tall man, probably somewhere around six feet, and he was slowly standing up. He brushed off his arms like he had fallen. I heard him groan in pain and I reached for the light switch at the end of my hall to confront my suspect.

"Freeze, bastard!"

The man turned around and faced me. Standing pin-straight and dressed in sleek black leather with the body of a god was the face I thought could only exist in the servers at the BioWare headquarters.

I blinked and felt my arms slack, ball bat dropping to the floor.

I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming! Wake up, stupid!

I lifted one hand and promptly slapped myself on the cheek with some force.

"Ouch!" I winced in pain. I watched in utter shock as Thane Krios lifted his hands in surrender, blinking both sets of eyelids in surprise.

"Excuse me, madam," his beautiful, sexy voice asked in perfect English. "Could you tell me where I am?"

I laughed. Then I laughed harder. In fact, I laughed so hard that I didn't even remember fainting in shock.