Clumsy Cupid

By Francia Lorena

Today is our first Valentine's Day together as husband and wife. I will make this evening more than memorable for my little lady. Gosh, but how can I do this thing? I am totally clueless when it comes to breaking out the scene to give her a true romantic night. The last time I attempted to bring in the romance for Candy I nearly set the penthouse on fire, thank goodness I had a full blader to put it out otherwise the place would have been set a blazed! I could see the news now, round two for the Great Chicago Fire. Oh boy, if Candy would only know the trouble I put myself into to give her a nice day. I never will lead on though, for her I will do anything. Gosh even when she asked me to wear her sexy underwear just to see how they looked on me. What is that woman thinking! But I did it and she laughed hysterically.

I have got to put some ideas together and captivate her like never before. Something new perhaps, but what should I get? She does enjoy being roughened up a bit when she is excited during intercourse. Maybe I could bring in some naughty toys for her pleasure. But that only means I have to be the one doing the purchasing. Man, what are those people in the stores going to think of me? Oh but alas, I can get a disguise can't I? A wig, oh yeah a wig with dreads, a bandana, flip flops, a baggy t-shirt with crazy designs on it, and loose fitting jeans that hang off my rear end to show my underwear….like the kids wear today. No one will recognize me that way, brilliant idea Albert! I got to give it to myself; sometimes talking out loud really does help. I don't care what people say "you are crazy if you start answering your own questions". Heck, I even do that, and look at me, got some real answers…ha-ha-ha!

The thrift store rocks! Everything I needed was there…oh except for the wig. What in the world was the name of that place the young woman said I could find a wig? Oh yes, Fashion World in downtown. I hope I don't get shot there.

My! This place does the business, everybody and their brother is here buying wigs, weaves, and hair supplies…Makes me want to get my money into this kind of business as well. Wow, there is so much to choose from. The owner seems to be upset with a customer pointing to the sign about no returns on any hair. I would not want to buy used hair. Good for you lady do not take it back. "Excuse me, can I help you?" the sales associate said in a loud annoying pitch. I jumped about a foot high as she crept from behind me. I hate how my hands just fly out like I am a big sissy when I get caught by surprise. "Yes, I want a particular look, and here you are at the right time to assist me." I said in my business tone, ah I love how I can intimidate with my voice sometimes. Finally, she found exactly what I had in mind. I beanie with the long black dreads attached to it. I bought the dreads in a heartbeat. Finally, I can now go home and put all this together.

Oh yeah, this is what I am talking about! Ha-ha-ha-ha! I should take a picture so I can savor the moment! Wow, it doesn't even look like me. I had no idea what you could do with a non-permanent marker, my brows match the dreads. I can stand the shirt, and the hair, but the pants are awful. How do these kids even walk without losing their britches? Okay, my next stop is at the adult store…What did the woman say the name of the store was? Oh yes…Miss Kitty's. Let's get there now…why I speak as if there are more people with me…that I guess is just a bad habit. Let me go now…that still sound bad.

Oh boy here I go; I am kind of scared to go in there. What kind of people would be there? Come on Albert; think about how much pleasure you too will gain out of this tonight. Alright, I am ready to do this. Wow, this place is jammed packed! For heaven's sake, everybody, their brother, their aunt, and even their grandma are all in here! I am talking to my assistant as soon as possible; this is a booming business as well. Where do I even begin? What are those for? And this goes where? Mary, Joseph, and the Shepherds! What! You can eat underwear nowadays? I am getting a dozen of these…Betcha they make a good snack ha-ha-ha! Mmmm nothing like a little strawberry underwear for coffee break at work…geez . Let me find someone to assist me, I really do not care to jump again, and with these pants Lord have mercy!

I need to tone down the business voice and sound more city-like. "Hey can you give me a hand here?" I said. "Well sug, are you making advances at me, and we haven't even been on a date yet?" The sales clerk replied with a naughty look on her face. Snap, the question could be taken way out of context in a place like this one. Yikes, let me just smile it away. Oh Candy, you just better appreciate all this. You are the only woman I have ever done this craziness for. Hey is that who I think it is? Holly mother of pearl, my secretary… and the whole business floor is here! Oh boy now I am really nervous. I want to run out of here like lightning, but I have to pay for all these things this overly sensual and crazy clerk has put on my cart. Okay, play it cool, just do not say a word, and keep your eyes somewhere else. My gosh! What the heck, wouldn't you know my nosey secretary had to come over to the counter where I am placing everything and she picks up my item to say: "Oh where did you find this? I have been looking for something like this for a while; I hear that women go insane over it!" All I could do is raised my shoulders in response to the universal sign to I don't know. Thank goodness the clerk took her away to the section of the store where she could get her own toy. The Butterfly, hum, would it work with me too? He-he-he… "Sir your total comes to $352.76". As the clerk has put everything in bright pink bags with the store's logo, I make an attempt to reach for my wallet. Way, way below my pants I finally got to the back pocket…you idiot why didn't you think to use the front pocket…finally, my credit card with my picture on it…oh no, my picture doesn't match me. Let me find another…close call. As soon as that transaction goes through I am ready to get the dodge out of here and go straight home. "Sir you dropped your bandana is between your feet." The cute girl behind me says. "Thanks." Of course I instantly bend over to get it, as I come up, my pants go down to my ankles. The cute girl laughs so loudly that everybody turns to look at me in my white briefs flashing the whole store. I rapidly bend over grab my pants, my bags and out of here I go.

Finally, I am almost home. Candy should still be at the clinic, which gives me time to clean up, shave up, lay everything out on the bed, and put some nice making love music. I will leave the candles to Candy this time…

Home, sweet home at last. Why too many bags, what a waste of plastic, the clerk could have just put most of these thing in less bags. Open door, open…I don't want to drop anything out here. Yes, finally I am in. Let me kick that door shut…wham! "Who is there?" Oh no, Candy is here, what is she doing home so early? Let me hide these bags in the closet. My surprise won't be as surprising as I had planned. "Ouch!" What the heck was that! I think my skull is cracked! I bit my tongue and my head is hurting terribly… "Get out! Get out this instant!" As I am turning my pants hit the floor and she is till hitting me with the frying pan…I can barely talk normal since my tongue is hurting. "Stop! Stop it! It's me!" I manage to say as I pull out the beanie with the dreads. "Albert, oh my gosh, did I hurt you baby? Why are you dressed like that?" I finally trip with the stupid pants and I lay on the floor. I really want to cry, but nope she would mock me until we get old and pruned. "Were you trying to surprise me or something because it worked, you scared me like you never had before. I wasn't expecting you home at this time, you are usually at work Albert." As I stay on the floor I roll over and of course she starts the laughter, she is so cute when she laughs, look at her face, is all red from getting a trickle out of my painted dark eyebrows. "Girl, you have an arm on you, we should enroll you in a baseball team." I managed to say, it almost sounds as if my mouth was full of marbles. "We should what? Baby I can't understand you; let me get you some ice, and something cold to drink. Here, sit on the couch I will be right back." Let me get these crazy clothes off of me…what a day! I need to close my eyes for a bit…

Oh yeah, there is my nurse to the rescue. "You are so beautiful." The words came out just fine for her to understand. "Shhhhh…" she says…I will be quiet now. My baby was wearing a very sexy laced bustier with matching thong. On one hand she had the ice pack and on the other she had a goblet with champagne for me. I love her terribly and I would do whatever I did today many times over just to please her in any way or fashion.

The end…

Just sharing with you a little humous fiction. Happy Valentine's Day 2013