Kill a Jedi
Disclaimer: the characters are not mine.
Han Solo rushed through the doors of Darth Vader's palace on Coruscant, his arms loaded with packages of supplies he had just acquired. A look of excitement was on the smuggler's face. Without a doubt, today was going to be a great day. Today Palpatine was going to die!
He quickly darted into the Sith Lord's neat and orderly kitchen, dumping his countless bags onto a nearby table. Bags of candy were pulled free and sorted by type. An evil grin spread across Han's face as he did this and then he started to whistle a merry tune he had once heard in some bar.
"Hey, Han!" Luke called as he came into the kitchen. The Jedi's blue eyes fell onto the bags of candy and a frown formed. "What are you doing with that Easter candy? It's Valentine's Day!"
"I'm in the candy-making business now…" The smuggler replied as he reached into another sack and pulled some gelatin molds out. The plastic looked old and worn, discolored. Each mold was the same and it held the shape of a Jedi with a lightsaber. "I'm going to make Coruscant's hottest new trend: Kill a Jedi candy!"
"But…" Luke stared at his best friend totally confused. "Why would you want to kill a Jedi?"
"No, no…it's for Palpatine!" Han exclaimed as he found a kettle and placed it onto the table. "He hates Jedi, right? So I'm going to make these candies that look like Jedi and when he tries to bite the head off, it'll kill him!"
Luke picked up one of the bags of Easter candy, examining it. The colors on the plastic bag were faded and the jelly beans within discolored with odd speckles. Then he read the expiration date and he gasped, his blue eyes growing as wide as saucers. "Han, this candy expires twenty-five years ago!"
"So? I got a good deal on it!" The smuggler said as he took the bag out of Luke's hands and tore it open, dumping the hard beans within into the kettle. They rattled loudly as they struck the metal surface, rolling.
"Where in the world did you get them? That store should be reported!" Luke thought of all of the innocent people that could grow ill from consuming the ancient candy and he was truly concerned.
"From Palpatine's dumpster out behind his palace. It was free." Han pulled his blaster off of his belt and blasted the jelly beans, the red ray quickly melting the candy into a thick sludge. "The old geezer must have kept it forever!"
"But…but…Han, you can't give that to Palpatine!" Luke exclaimed wide-eyed. "He might get sick from it!"
"This candy is perfectly fine, kid. The bag was sealed." Han started to pour the colored mixture into the various molds. Soon he had a bunch of Jedi candies in different colors. As luck had it, the mold that was shaped like Master Yoda even came out a green hue and the smuggler grinned. "Besides, I'm selling it to him, not giving it away."
Han waited while the candies cooled and hardened. He then dumped them out and made a new batch. Soon he had a bunch of his Kill a Jedi candies. He was quite proud of his creation, too. "And you know what the best part is, kid? I already sold them! The old coot was very eager to get them when I told him about the candies."
"Palpatine wouldn't be dumb enough to buy candy from you. You're always trying to kill him!"
"Well, he did." Han put the candies into a paper sack and bid Luke farewell. Soon he had them delivered and Palpatine looked at them eagerly. The smuggler grinned as he knew the Emperor just couldn't wait to bite the heads off of the Jedi. He was handed a heavy sack of credits and Han raced home, eager to await the news of Palpatine's death.
Palpatine sat on his throne chair, anticipation bubbling within. He hadn't felt this excited in a long, long time. He reached into the paper bag and pulled out one of the Jedi. He studied the hard candy for a moment as he pondered which Jedi it possibly could be. That Master Mace Windu had always been rather annoying so maybe it was him? He recalled how the man had been rude enough to challenge him in his office years ago. What nerve!
Eagerly he lifted the candy to his mouth. He would bite Mace's head off and gloat in his victory.
Unfortunately, Palpatine's teeth were not that good due to years and years of using the Dark Side. It put a huge strain on his body and his body was decaying while he was still alive and the same was true of his teeth. They were yellowed and full of black pits. His gums often bled and his breath was rather horrid, akin to a swamp. Still, eating had never been a problem.
Sticking the candy part way into his mouth, he bit down.
And so he bit it harder, putting more pressure onto the candy with his bad teeth.
But to his dismay, Master Mace still had his head and was smiling at him! Anger began to grow in Palpatine's gut, his blood boiling. "Drat this Jedi! Even as a candy he refuses to die! Die, Jedi, die!"
Palpatine stuffed the now hated candy into the side of his mouth and bit down as hard as he could, forcing his jaw to use as much pressure as he could. Instantly a red hot pain shot through his mouth and along his jaw. The Emperor gasped, his wrinkled mummy-like hand flying to his now aching cheek. He hacked up the candy, spitting it out. Mace's head was still on but the Jedi was now covered in bright red blood.
"A candy Jedi bested me!" Palpatine howled in fury, speckles of blood coming out of his mouth as well as a few teeth fragments. He threw the hated Jedi onto the floor near his feet and started to beat on it with his cane. Yes, he had always hated Mace Windu.
"Is he dead?" Han asked Darth Vader hopefully as the Sith Lord had just returned from seeing Palpatine.
"No, but he has seen the dentist and needs a root canal for every tooth in his mouth…" Darth Vader explained in his mechanical voice. "He has cracked most of his teeth by chewing on some extra-hard candy he insists is Master Mace Windu. Personally, I don't see a resemblance at all."
"Well, that's something I guess…" Han was a bit disappointed but at least it hadn't been a total failure.
Palpatine sat in the dentist's chair, his mouth a bloody mess and all of his teeth out. The dentist had his back turned as he was getting the teeth he would implant into the holes in his gums from a drawer. Due to the injections, Palpatine didn't feel much of anything except a tad weird. His mind was clear though and so he reached into his pocket, pulling out a green Jedi.
It was Master Yoda. It even had the giant ears.
The Emperor stared at it with his red beady eyes, anger filling him. He would defeat this Jedi! Mace had bested him in the end but he had not given up, no. He would continue his attack once he had his new teeth. The hated Windu sat on his dresser at home, patiently awaiting his death.
Really, why was it so difficult to chew this candy? It was brand new and should be soft and easy to bite!
"Drat Jedi!" Palpatine tried to say but it came out a mumble due to his teeth-less state. He saw the dentist was still fussing with the drawer and so he lifted his hand to his mouth. He would try to kill Master Yoda now. Yoda was just a little twerp anyway, was he not? Yoda was shoved in and he tried to gum him to death. One of the giant eats stabbed him in the bloody tooth cavities in the gum and yow, he saw stars!
"Aaahhhhh!" Palpatine shrieked in pain.
The dentist quickly turned with concern on his face. He saw the green candy in Palpatine;s mouth, the Jedi now attached to his upper gum like a bizarre green tooth. The man reached for it, intending to pull it out and take it away. "I told you to stop eating those candies!"
"It's my Jedi!" Palpatine cried as he quickly covered his mouth with his hands. Of course, the words came out a weird moan but his meaning was clear. "I will kill Yoda yet!"
This was quickly turning out to be a nightmare for the dentist. He should have knocked the Emperor out but he had no idea the man would be so stupid. No one in their right mind tried to eat while getting work done on their teeth and certainly not during a root canal! But Palpatine was the Sith Master and thus was not normal.
A fight insured and Yoda was taken away. The dentist had to treat Palpatine like a five-year-old, promising him he would get the candy back at the end of the procedure.
Truthfully, the dentist did not think Palpatine's new teeth would last long. Rocks were softer than that candy he favored.
The new teeth were inserted and he was ordered to eat only soft liquids. If he didn't, the new teeth may go crooked or be damaged. And he stressed most important of all, NO CANDY!
Palpatine promised, his fingers crossed behind his back.
The moment he left the dentist's building and climbed into his airspeeder, Yoda was jammed into his mouth.
"Arise, my old friend…" Palpatine said to Lord Vader a few days later. "I have great news. After several days, I have finally managed to kill Master Yoda."
Lord Vader stared at the headless green candy that Palpatine held in his outstretched palm. For once he was speechless. Then his mask rose to the Emperor's mouth, which was currently hanging open a bit.
All of his teeth were at weird, crooked angles – not one of them straight. And perhaps his eyes were deceiving him, but he would swear a few already had cracks in them! How could this be, cracks in new teeth? By the Force, where had Palpatine got those Kill a Jedi candies from? They should be renamed Kill a Sith!
"That is wonderful news, Master." Vader finally said as he felt he must say something.
"Oh, that dentist says I need braces! Can you believe that?" Palpatine complained unhappily to his loyal apprentice. "Braces at my age, that's insane!"
In Vader's opinion Palpatine needed a second completely new set of teeth. "Yes, My Master."
"He said you have to come with me…" Palpatine seemed perplexed. "I really don't understand it, but he seems to think I misbehave!"
Vader groaned but knew there was no getting out of it.
"I swear, I am a model citizen…" Palpatine said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out another candy Jedi. He studied it for a moment, pondering. "Now which one are you? Hmmmm…."