Having a Moste Potente Valentine's Day
a/n – Other than the fact that I don't own any part or portion of the Harry Potter universe, that's all owned by JK Rowling and her various and sundry corporate partners, the only thing I can tell you is that this is a very tongue in cheek look at Valentine's Day during Harry and Hermione's second seventh year.
They're Head Boy and Girl and a couple of people haven't gotten the memo about them being together.
Chapter One – The Head Girl's Assistant Is In
9:05 a.m. gmt, Sunday 14 February, 1999, Head Boy and Girl's Common Room, Hogwarts School of W&W
"Herms, I'm here to save you from …"
Stopping dead in his tracks as he lumbered through the door of the common room that the current Hogwarts Head Boy and Girl were sharing, Ron Weasley stared in disbelief at the witch sitting behind Hermione's desk who was looking at him with a glare.
"Can I help you?"
Shaking his head, Ron closed his eyes and opened them. It still looked like Eloise Midgen was sitting behind Hermione's desk.
"You're not Herms?"
Rolling her eyes, Eloise put aside the tome she had been reading, and sighed.
"Mr. Weasley, you're correct, I'm not an ancient Greek statue of the god Hermes who was placed in random locations for passersby to rub the genitalia of for good luck."
Seeing the blank expression on his face, she sighed. "Herms, it's an ancient Greek statue that you rubbed …"
"What would make you think of that and where is Herms?" Ron interrupted, trying to get the mental image of rubbing the wedding tackle of a Greek statue out of his head.
"Other than the British Museum, probably the closest herms would be somewhere in Greece," the witch behind the desk replied as she reached for the tome she had been reading.
"You know, Granger. Herms. You're not her."
"Do I look like Head Girl Granger?"
"Well, no," Ron conceded, still trying to figure out why Eloise had brought up disturbing Greek statues, much less was in Herms' common room. "And you still haven't explained why you're here, much less where Herms is?"
Closing the tome carefully, the witch behind the desk placed her hand on the edge of her wand that was protruding from a stack of parchments and sighed, dramatically.
"I'm doing research for Muggle Studies," she began to explain patiently. "The Head Girl and Boy persuaded the Headmistress that internships should be added to the course so people taking Muggle Studies could get an idea of what muggles actually do."
Pausing for a moment to see if he was following, and since his eyes hadn't quite glazed totally over she was going to take a chance and continue. "I'm working as the Head Girl's personal assistant for my internship."
Seeing the blank look was back, she chuckled. "I help her with research, track down missing books and parchments, take care of routine correspondence, get her tea and scones, keep track of her schedule, and take care of annoying visitors for her."
Pausing for a moment, Ron focused on the only thing that sounded promising of the list of duties she just described.
"Over on the side table, but they're for Miss Granger's breakfast when she gets back from running," Eloise said in a no nonsense voice.
Which was utterly disregarded since Ron immediately headed towards the side table. However, taking one look at the scones, he snorted. "Pumpkin again?"
"It's what she wants," Eloise said primly. "And what she wants, she gets."
"Which is why I'm here," Ron shot back as he looked around. "You said she was running?"
Shaking her head, Eloise opened a desk drawer and slid tome and some parchments into it, deciding that no work was getting done until she'd dealt with her … visitor.
"Yes, running. The Head Boy got called away, some sort of emergency in Devonshire that he had to take care of, so she's out running and waiting for him to get back so they can leave for Oxford for the day."
Pausing for a moment as she carefully noted the scowl on Ron's face, she added, "together."
"Yes, she and the Head Boy. Harry Potter. Together. In Oxford," she replied hoping against hope that if she broke it down into small bits, he might be able to suss out what she was saying.
"It's Valentine's Day, you know," she added just in case it wasn't clear.
"Right, which is why I'm here," Ron replied as he came over and perched on the edge of the desk. Something he never did while Herms was here since she was very particular about her desk.
Ignoring the glare that the witch seated at the desk was giving him, he smiled smugly.
"I'm here to rescue her from having to spend Valentine's Day all alone," Ron explained as he reached into his robes and pulled out the small box of chocolates he'd brought.
They'd actually started off as Honeyduke's largest box of chocolates when he purchased them in Hogsmeade yesterday, but as he ate them, he kept charming the box so it wouldn't look like any were missing, so it was much smaller now.
"I see," the witch behind the desk said carefully as she tried not to smirk. "Did you miss the part where I mentioned that she and the Head Boy were going to Oxford once he gets back from his emergency?"
Waving his hand, dismissively, Ron looked around the room again. "Oh, Harry isn't coming back. He's busy rescuing my sister and she'll keep him busy for the rest of the day. It's all worked out."
"Rescuing your sister?" Eloise asked with an icy tone to her voice. "Why would your sister need rescuing?"
"So Harry can spend Valentine's Day with her, like he's supposed to." Seeing the blank look on Eloise's face, he rolled his eyes. "She is his girlfriend, you know."
"I heard they broke up at Dumbledore's funeral two years ago"
Waving his hand dismissively, Ron just shook his head.
"Harry's been having trouble letting everyone know that they're back together, but Gin says it's just a matter of time before he's back to normal." Pausing for a moment, he leaned over to Eloise and whispered, "Which will be good for Herms and me since she feels obligated to keep him company to keep him from realizing he's all alone without Gin."
"I see," Eloise whispered back. "And just what is 'normal' for the Head Boy?" Seeing the look on his face, Eloise shrugged. "The Head Girl also has me taking care of the Head Boy as part of my internship," she explained.
Though with a smirk, she added, "Though I do wish she'd let me help him with his cigars."
Seeing the puzzled look again, she sighed. "Normal for the Head Boy?"
"Ah, yes," Ron smiled. "Ginny says it's normal for him to be in love with her, so since he thinks he's not, she's obligated to help him back to normal."
"I didn't think he was talking to your sister," Eloise added as she sat back in her chair with a thoughtful look on her face. "Why would he go to Devonshire for an emergency concerning her if they're not talking?"
"Ah, but that's the beauty of it," Ron said with a triumphant look on his face. "He thinks he's rescuing Herms. He won't realize it's Gin until after he's rescued Herms and finds out it's her."
"Statue? Genitalia?" Eloise snapped. Seeing the blank look on his face, she narrowed her eyes. "Have you had this fascination with rubbing the genitalia of Greek statues for very long?"
"Never mind. So the Head Boy went running off to Devonshire to rescue the Head Girl?" Pausing for a moment, she asked, "Why would he think the Head Girl needed rescuing?"
"Because that's what the owl message he got this morning told him," Ron said in an exasperated tone of voice. "Haven't you been paying attention?"
"Wouldn't the fact that the Head Girl was next to him …" Breaking off, she started again.
"Wouldn't the fact that the Head Girl was in the next room when the bloody owl woke him up at 7 in the bloody morning be a clue that she didn't need rescuing?"
"This is Harry we're talking about," Ron scoffed. "All he needs is a hint that Herms is in trouble and he's off like a shot."
Making a note on the parchment to check into the Head Boy's reported obsession with rescuing Greek statuary, Eloise looked up at Ron with a puzzled expression. "Isn't he going to notice it's not the Head Girl when he gets to wherever he's going to rescue her?"
Pausing for a moment, she added, "And just where is he rescuing her?"
Seeing the look on his face, she held up a day planner. "Intern. Keeping the Head Girl's appointment book. If she's supposed to be somewhere else, I really should know."
"Oh." Thinking for a moment, Ron nodded agreeably. "That makes sense. Harry's heading for my sister's bedroom at the Burrow in Ottery St. Catchpole."
"Why on earth …" Stopping herself from asking an obvious question, Eloise tried again, "Wouldn't the Head Boy think it's odd that the Head Girl would need rescuing in the bedroom of someone neither of them are speaking to?"
"Harry never thinks, he just goes and rescues people," Ron explained patiently. "It's really quite simple. He hears about someone needing rescue and he goes and does it."
Leaning over, he added in a conspiratorial whisper, "It's also quite annoying, but he's predictable that way."
"I see," was Eloise's response as she leaned back, making a note regarding Ron's lack of regard for personal space.
"Well, still, once he gets into your sister's bedroom and doesn't find the Head Girl, won't that give it away?" Pausing for a moment, she added, "And just why would the Head Girl need rescuing at the Burrow? Do your parents have a secret grudge against her?"
"Mum's not too fond of her, but she says she'll do until I find someone to marry," Ron explained in an offhand manner as he looked over at the door to the corridor. This caused him to miss the frightening scowl on Eloise's face. By the time he'd turned his attention back to her, she'd managed to calm herself enough to look interested.
"And he'll think its Herms because that's who Gin looks like with the polyjuice potion and all." Seeing the look on her face, he added, "And she'll be tied up in a chair, so it'll look like she needs rescuing."
Looking a bit worried, since the wizard in front of her didn't seem too capable, she asked, "Did you tie her up?"
"Nah, she did it herself. She got some self-binding restraints from Nimue's Secret in Hogsmeade a few months ago." Shaking his head, he looked at Eloise.
"Any idea why someone would want something like that?"
Blinking a couple of times, and biting back on her initial response of 'for a good time', she said, "So they can appear to need rescuing while impersonating the Head Girl?"
"Ah, that explains it," Ron replied, happy that one of life's little mysteries had been solved.
"Look, the Head Girl is going to be out running around the lake for a while, why don't you go and catch her as she runs past," Eloise offered. Seeing the confused look on his face, she smiled.
"Well, if she's already all sweaty and tired, she'll be really happy for you to take her away from all of that."
"Good idea," Ron said as he stood up. Suddenly he leaned over and peered at her face intently. Resisting the urge to hex him, Eloise simply said, "Looking for something?"
"Poppy did a good job," Ron explained as he stood up. "You can barely see where she put your nose back on."
As he sauntered out the door, he paused when Eloise called out, "Oh, Mister Weasley?"
As he turned around, his eyes widened for a second as a silver beam from the wand in the hand of the witch behind the desk hit in square in the forehead.
"Ronald Bilius Weasley," she said in a controlled voice. "You found a note from the Head Girl in her bedroom, while you were snooping in her unmentionables drawer. She asked you to go into Hogsmeade, and then go up to room 24 at The Hog's Head. Go in the room, take off all your clothes, and put on the blindfold you'll find on the bedside table. The command to affix the blindfold is 'games in the dark'. She'll find you and give you your Valentine's Day surprise."
Seeing the smarmy smile on his face, she snapped off the beam and simply said, "Off with you now. Not a good idea to keep a lady waiting."
As he turned and left, Eloise sat back in her chair and sighed noisily.
A slight noise caused her to look up and see Harry Potter looking out of the door to the Head Girl's bedroom.
"Is he gone?"
Coming down the stairs two at a time, Harry chuckled. "I thought he'd never leave."
Standing up and stretching, Eloise sighed noisily. "I honestly don't know what made me think he'd be early." Reaching into her robes pocket, she fished out a small potions flask.
As she tipped back the potion, she made a face at the taste of the counteragent for the polyjuice she'd taken earlier.
As the usual burning sensation of resuming her own form subsided, Hermione stepped over and wrapped her arms around Harry.
"Everything go as planned at The Burrow?"
"Winky said it was perfect," Harry chuckled. "Though she did make a small change to the plan," he added cautiously.
"She made a change or you made a change?" Hermione asked dangerously.
Holding up both hands, Harry laughed. "Honest. It was your elf that made the change. She popped over to Luna's sitting room in Ravenclaw Tower and swapped the goat hair we'd gotten for some alpaca wool that Luna had gotten in for an experiment."
Seeing the skeptical look on Hermione's face, Harry added, "As long as she stopped at being a goat-girl, she'd be fine. But if she went all the way to being a goat?"
Grimacing, Hermione agreed. "True, Molly does have that recipe for goat stew."
Shuddering, Harry shook his head and closed his eyes. "We might need to see about getting a therapist for Winky." Opening his eyes, he saw the dangerous look on Hermione's face.
"Alpaca girl dressed in a see-through negligee bound to a desk chair?" Seeing his girlfriend go pale, he patted her hand gently. "That's got to leave an image."
"We might need to get her a bottle of brain bleach from Poppy," Hermione agreed with a sigh.
"Room Twenty-four at The Hog's Head, eh?"
"I was in the Room of Requirement last night and Ariana said that Narcissa Black has been staying there since you repossessed Peacock Hill," Hermione explained.
"Hey, the Black family account manager at Gringotts did that. All I did was sign the paperwork. It's not my fault that Lucius hadn't been paying rent on the place since they got it as part of her dowry." Shaking his head at the tax scam the Blacks and the Malfoys had cooked up, he chuckled. "A galleon a year? Seriously?"
"Well, I thought Narcissa might appreciate some … male companionship after being married to Lucius for so long. Especially being essentially homeless and all."
"And the command word?"
"As far as you know, it's the standard command word for the enchanted blindfolds they sell at Nimue's Secret."
Seeing the look on his face, she snickered. "Don't focus on that, focus on the look on Ronald's face when he realizes its Draco's mum."
Seeing the blank look on Harry's face, Hermione snorted in disbelief. "That witch has 'cougar' written all over her." Seeing that he still wasn't getting it, she chuckled.
"Haven't you thought it strange that I never let you have a meeting alone with her in your role as the Head of House Black?"
Blinking a bit in surprise, Harry started to ask about Narcissa being a bit old, when he remembered Hermione was a tad sensitive on the subject, being older than him and all and simply said, "Yes, dear."
"Just because Mum lets Daddy get away with that horribly annoying 'Yes, dear' thing, doesn't mean I want you to take it up."
Smiling as Harry wandlessly shut the door to their common room and locked it, Hermione started pulling him up the stairs to the bedroom they'd been sharing since their first night back.
"So, Mr. Head Boy," she began in a businesslike tone. "What are your plans for me so I can tell our intern where we'll be?"
Smiling slyly, Harry said, "Well, we do have dinner reservations at that place you like so well down the street from Alice's on St. Aldates."
"Excellent choice, my darling seeker," Hermione said as she pulled him through the door to their room and over to the bed. "Shanghai 30s is my favorite place in Oxford."
As she moved around the room, humming a quite enthusiastic version of "Anything Goes", she looked over at him. "White diner jacket Dr. Jones?"
"Only if we're going flying after," Harry replied. Seeing the look on her face, he nodded. "White dinner jacket it is"
"Good, I've got sequins," she replied.
"Too bad your parents are having dinner at the Four Seasons place," Harry said. "I liked that one."
Rolling her eyes, Hermione stopped humming and laughed. "It's Le Manoir Aux Quat Saisons and the problem isn't that Mum and Daddy are having Valentine's Day dinner there, it's that they're staying the night in the hotel and we can't have Daddy noticing you taking his baby girl upstairs after dinner to have your nefarious way with her."
"Well, that and with our luck we'll get the room next to the one they have. We've already been the noisy couple in the next hotel room for people we know, I really don't fancy having the conversation we had with Neville, Susan, and Hannah over breakfast in Aberdeen that one time with your parents."
"Silencing charms are a wondrous thing, Harry," Hermione quipped blushing at the awkward conversation that occurred when they ran into their friends at breakfast at that hotel in Aberdeen and Hannah realized that they were the 'noisy nymphos' that kept the three of them up most of the night.
"I still say Neville wasn't awake all night listening to us. For Merlin's sake, the bags under his eyes were from Susan and Hannah finally bagging their lion," Harry countered.
"And I was thinking more along the lines of us listening to them and you having to look you mum in the eye if she's even half as … enthusiastic in bed as you are."
Refusing to quail at the glare she was giving him, he shrugged. "I don't have any problems with the thoughts of your parents having sex. You're the one, 'Miss I Was Found under a Cabbage Because My ParentsWouldn't Do That Sort of Thing' who has a problem with it."
"Harry, I was thirteen when I made that joke."
"Yea, and I still remember the look on your face when we apparated unannounced into the back yard down in Australia before they moved back and the windows were open to their bedroom."
Seeing the blush on her face, Harry smirked and asked, "What was it your mother was saying?"
"Just never you mind, Mister," Hermione shot back, muttering something about 'mothers shouldn't watch Die Hard' under her breath.
Just then, their bantering, and packing, was interrupted by the portrait of Victoria Gryffindor, the door guardian for their quarters cleared her throat.
"Luvs, not to be a pest, but you've got someone at the outer door."
Seeing the looks on their faces, she sighed. "It's a Romilda Vane with chocolates for the Head Boy."
Pulling a different flask from her pocket, Hermione shook her head in exasperation.
"You keep packing. As soon as I 'change' I'll get rid of the Potions Princess and we'll be off to Oxford."
As she morphed back into Eloise, she had a wicked gleam in her eye.
Seeing it, Harry took an involuntary step back. "Room 24?"
"But she'll know its Ron. He's the one wearing the blindfold."
"Ah, but I'll tell her the Head Boy decided to disguise himself as Ron to avoid all of the fangirls and he's waiting for her."
"And if Narcissa's already there and has things 'in hand'?" Harry asked with a smirk.
Looking over her shoulder with a sultry smile, she winked at him.
"What's Valentine's Day without a catfight?"
And with that, she closed the door behind her.
a/n2 –Just a bit of crackly fluff that popped into my head. Though the bit about the noisy neighbors at a hotel on Valentine's Day did happen to a friend of mine in Army. She was very embarrassed when she was complaining at the desk the next morning to discover that the noisy couple in the next room was her mother and step-father. And she didn't know her mother was a Die Hard fan until then, either.
a/n3- Yes, in the story it's the late nineties, and that's the obligatory intern and cigar joke. As far as you know.
Yippee Ki Yay … and have a Happy Valentine's Day!