Disclaimer: I don't own Super Mario Bros., Nintendo does. They also own all the non-Mario characters featured here, except Dracula. He's owned by his creators.
Author's Note: This fanfic is an adaptation of the SMB Super Show episode "Count Koopula", which was recently released on DVD. Near the end, Bowser's line that mentions "the Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce Vampires" got me thinking that the Brotherhood is probably made up of Nintendo villains. This novelization features the episode from Bowser's point-of-view, and some scenes I added in for the storyline. Enjoy!
My alarm clock rang
very loudly, waking me up. Waking up early can be quite a problem
for me, because I hate sunlight. Fortunately for me, it was 8:30
PM, so there was no trouble for me. I smashed the alarm clock and
got out of my bed. After a bit of breakfast, I put on my standard
clothes - a black cape.
That's right. I'm a vampire. And not just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blood-sucking vampire. I'm the type of vampire who sucks tomato sauce. I'm Count Bowser Koopula, a member of the Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires! We Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires prefer to suck tomato sauce from people's meals. Of course, in order to get new members, we have to suck their blood. Hey, it's what vampires do, even if they don't regularly drink blood.
I looked at my schedule. Today was a big meeting with the other Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires. So, I turned into a bat and flew out my window to the meeting place. I live in a castle. It's a castle in a strange land called Turtlevania.
A castle is also where the meeting was being held. It was called CastleVania, and it was also the hideout of our club founder, Count Dracula. I appeared through a cloud of smoke right behind my fellow members. Their names are Count Ganondorfula, Count Giovannicula, Count Dedede, and Kount K. Rool. Count Ganondorfula is quite a feisty vampire, since he likes to shout "I demand you give me your tomato sauce!" Count Giovannicula prefers to be set on one session of tomato sauce-sucking. He says he's constantly trying to suck a Pikachu's tomato-flavored ketchup. Count Dedede is the gluttonous one of the bunch. He says he likes to suck his tomato sauce with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and all his other snacks. Kount K. Rool, despite being a Tomato Sauce Vampire, has a strange obsession with Bananas and a Crystal Coconut. Maybe he likes to suck his tomato sauce on bananas and coconuts.
Anyway, my entrance seemed to have shocked my fellow Vampires. "Count Koopula!" Count Giovannicula shouted at me. "Don't scare us like that!"
"Sorry, Count Giovannicula," I apologized. "I'm getting the hang of this Vampire routine."
Count Dracula walked up to his podium and pounded his gavel. "Order! Order!" he said in his Eastern accent. "Dis meeting of de Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires vill now come to order!" We all took our seats as Dracula called the role. "Count Koopula?"
"Here," I answered.
"Here," he answered.
"Here, and hungry!"
"Kount K. Rool?"
Having finished the role call, Dracula put down his gavel. "Well, here is de problem dat dis meeting is about. Apart from me, Count Dracula, there are only five members of de Brotherhood, not counting our lackeys. We need more Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires! Your assignment is to initiate an innocent bystander into de Brotherhood. Meeting adjourned!" With that, Dracula turned into a bat and flew away.
As we were leaving CastleVania, Giovannicula, Ganondorfula, Dedede, K. Rool, and I all talked about what we had in mind for our assignment.
"So who do you plan to initiate into the Brotherhood, Count Ganondorfula?" I asked my fellow Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampire.
"Two people," Ganondorfula answered. "A green-clad Kokiri-looking Hylian and a princess he works for. With them as vampires, I can very easily steal the Triforce of Wisdom and conquer their land! How about you, Giovannicula?"
"The blood of three Pokémon Trainers and their Pokémon will be mine!" Giovannicula replied. "What's your plan, Kount K. Rool?"
Kount K. Rool struck a pose as he gave his retort. "I'm going to make a certain monkey into one of us! What do you think, Count Dedede?"
"Deh-heh-heh!" Count Dedede chuckled. "I'm going to sink my fangs into a certain pink marshmallow who has an appetite as big as mine! So, what do you plan to do, Count Koopula?"
I gave my response to everyone. "Like all of you, I'm going to initiate my greatest enemies. I'm gonna start with Princess Peach Toadstool!"
"Ah, in case you don't know," Giovanni argued, "we're the Loyal BROTHERhood of Tomato Sauce Vampires. I don't think that they allow women in brotherhoods!"
"Hey, our boss tried to suck the blood of a woman himself," I told the my friends. "I admit that he may not have done a good job, though, but hey, monster movies aren't supposed to end with the monster winning, you know. But if Dracula can suck the blood of a woman and make her join his Brotherhood, so can I!"
"All right. Agreed," said Ganondorfula, Giovannicula, K. Rool, and Dedede in unison. With that discussion finished, we all transported ourselves back to our respective castles.
Lightning flashed and
thunder sounded that night as I watched through a telescope from my castle balcony, waiting for the Mario Bros.
and their friends to come into my clutches. Then, what to my
wondering right eye should appear but a big surprise. Maybe the
planets were aligned in the right position. Or maybe the taxi
drivers who drove around Turtlevania were very rude and demanded
a lot of money for their services. But whatever the cause, I
could see my archenemies, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, right in
the visual distance of my castle. And what was even better was
that they had Princess Peach Toadstool and her servant with them!
"Ha ha ha! Those pesky plumbers are playing right into my fangs!" I cackled, imitating Dracula's accent. After a few seconds of crazed laughter and making a dramatic pose, I put my plan into action. "Hey Mousigor!" I called to my second-in-command.
"Y-y-yes, Count Koopula?" Mousigor said, coming in through the door, carrying a torch. Mousigor, or rather Mouser, as his real name was, wasn't exactly the ideal person for a second-in-command, but he was able to throw bombs at his enemies, so it seemed like a good idea to hire him when he had applied for the job.
"Prepare rooms for Princess Peach and her foolish friends," I commanded to the stooge. With that, Mousigor left the room, and I turned to a nearby Tweeter who was sleeping on a stool like a bat. "And you, you vampid vampire, go lure our victims into my castle!" The Tweeter fell off of its stool, and I took my telescope off my windsowsill so the Tweeter could fly out. I watched as the Tweeter flew over to where Mario and his pals were. "Before the night is through," I gloated in the style of Dracula, "I'll make them wish they never came to Turtlevania! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."
wet and-a-hungry, Mario!" Luigi complained to his older
brother. "How about some spaghetti?"
"It's-a-my leftovers, Luigi!" Mario said, clutching a carton of spaghetti. "You already ate yours!"
"But you had three orders!" Luigi argued. "I only had one!"
"Come on, Mario," Princess Peach said to Mario in a seducing tone. "Sharesies."
Taken in by Peach's appeal, Mario handed the carton to Luigi. "Oh, all right, but just one bite!"
Just then, they heard a cawing sound behind them. Mario and Luigi turned around and gasped in horror. The Tweeter was flying right towards them! It grabbed Mario's spaghetti carton in its claws.
Mario jumped up and grabbed ahold of the surprisingly durable spaghetti carton. "Heeeeeeelllllllpp!!" he screamed. "Spaghetti-napper!"
Toad grabbed Mario's shoes, and then Peach jumped up and grabbed ahold of Toad's shoes. "Yeow!" Toad squealed from Peach grabbing his feet.
"Grab him, Luigi!" Peach shouted to the green-clad plumber. Luigi jumped up and grabbed onto Toad's legs. "Pull!" Peach then shouted, and they tried to do so. The Tweeter flapped its wings harder until finally, Mario lost his grip on the carton and fell right on top of his friends. The Tweeter flew off with the carton.
Mario got up and dusted himself off. "Follow that bat!" he said to his comrades. "We've got to get that spaghetti back!" The four heroes ran in the direction that they saw the Tweeter's shadow on.
Peach looked at where the Tweeter was flying. "Oh, no!" she said. "Look where he's going!" The Tweeter happened to be heading right into Castle Koopula.
"Ooh! Scary!" Toad said sarcastically, as they slowed down to a walk.
They walked up to the front door of the castle. "I'm not going in there," Luigi said, shaking. "It-a-looks like a boarding house for vampires!"
"Come on, Luigi!" Mario urged his brother. "Nobody believes in vampires anymore!"
"I do," Luigi said in argumentation to Mario's statement.
"Look-a," Mario said, "we need shelter, and maybe we can get that spaghetti back!" He rang the doorbell, and after a few seconds, Mouser came out. He was dressed up in a thin disguise resembling Igor from Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein". But none of them recognized him. "Uh, we need-a-rooms for the night-a," Mario requested.
"We got rooms you'll never forget," Mouser snickered, talking like a hunchback.
"I don't like this creepy castle..." Luigi commented.
"You like-a-sleeping in the rain better?" Mario said, annoyed by his little brother's fear of spookiness.
They walked into the castle and down the dark hall. As they were walking through the hall, Luigi noticed some paintings on the wall. He also noticed that one of the paintings' eyes seemed to be moving. "Wh-wh-what are you looking at?" Luigi said, frightened.
"Are you talking to yourself again, Luigi?" Mario called back.
"Look at the p-p-paintings!" Luigi told Mario and the others. They did so, and Luigi found a surprise. "Huh?" The painting's eye pupils seemed to be gone!
After a few minutes, Mouser had led the group to a few guest rooms. "Your room, miss," Mouser said to Peach, opening the first door, which was labeled "#1".
"Thank you," Peach said, going through the door.
Mouser led Mario and Luigi to the next door, which was labeled "#2". "You two guys with hairy lips can stay here." Mouser then led Toad to the third door, which had a "#3" on it.
"Nowwww," Toad joked as Mouser opened the door, "what's behind door #3? Lemmie see..."
"Don't strain your brain, Toad!" Mouser threw Toad into the room, talking in his normal voice.
"Aaaah!" Toad made a rough landing on the floor, then turned back to the thrower. "Hey, how'd you know my name?! Who are you??!" He lept at Mouser. The mouse grunted as Toad ripped off his disguise. Soon Toad was able to see through the costume. "AAH! You're Mouser! You're Bowser's right-hand stooge!"
Mouser put his disguise back on. "It's Mousigor to you, Fungus Face!" he said, transisting back to his hunchback voice. He walked out of the room and slammed the door.
Toad jumped up and pulled on the doorknob. Nothing happened to it, because the door was locked. "I'm trapped!" Toad shouted, kicking the door.
In room #2, Mario was making himself comfortable on the bed, but Luigi was still worried. "I'm-a-telling you, there's-a-vampires here!"
"Stop already!" Mario ordered. "I'm too hungry to worry about vampires that don't exist!" With that, he took out another carton just like the one from earlier.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luigi said in shock. "Where did you get that-a? I thought the Tweeter stole your spaghetti!"
"It did-a," Mario explained. "But-a-this is my spare ravioli!"
Just then, the Tweeter came down from a hole in the ceiling, placed its fangs in the top of the carton, and made sucking noises on it. This scared the Mario Bros. very easily. "Holy macaroni!" Luigi said just before the Tweeter went back up through the ceiling hole.
"My ravioli!" Mario said in surprise and alarm. He looked at the top of the carton. It looked like it had the blood marks a vampire usually leaves on its victim's necks. "Fang marks!" He opened the box and found nothing inside. "Every drop of tomato sauce - gone!"
"Now will you believe me?" Luigi said. "Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires!"
"Let's get out of here!" They ran to the door and started pulling on it, but nothing happened. "We're locked in!"
Back in room #1, Toad looked at the surroundings, then at a gargoyle on the wall. "If only you could talk..." Toad wished.
Just then, it did. "Bug off, mushroom mouth!" it said rudely, its voice muffled by the vase in its mouth.
"Oh yeah?" Toad said, angered by the gargoyle. "How about a nose job?!" He jumped up and wrestled with the gargoyle. Then its jar fell off and by some strange coincidence, a door in the wall opened up. "Well, well, well! A secret passage!" Toad ran through the path in the secret hole, and it led to a secret door of the same in room #2. "Spyholes!" Toad looked through it and saw Mario and Luigi trying to pound open the main door. "Hey guys!" he called.
"Vampires!" Mario and Luigi screamed, in unison.
Toad opened the secret door. "No guys, it's me."
"C'mon!" Mario cried, raising a fist. "Let's find the Princess!"
I was up in my tower,
trying to figure out how I would go on with my plans. "After
I make Princess Peach a vampire, who do I do next? Should I make
a vampire out of Mario, or Luigi?"
Just then, Mousigor came back up to my room. "Count Koopula, sir, I've gotten all of the foolish prey."
"Excellent!" I said to my servant. "Follow me, Mousigor. It's time to give them the welcoming party..."
In room #1, Princess
Peach was trying to figure out what was going on. "Where is
everybody? And why's the door locked? What's going on?"
Just then, the secret door behind her opened up, and Mario, Luigi, and Toad came tumbling in. "Hey Princess!" Toad called. "Let's split this spooky joint!"
Suddenly, the main door opened up, and there stood Bowser! "Welcome to the Castle of Count Koopula!" he said, imitating an Eastern accent. "Dinner is served!" Peach gasped. Bowser knew that line was striking fear in the hearts of his enemies.
Mouser came in from the secret passage. "And you're the main course!" he added, laughing.
"Ohohoho!" Toad cried. "I just lost my appetite!" He ran up and slammed the door on Mouser. "Luigi was right! Vampires!"
Bowser was still making his vampire pose, so Peach slammed the door on him too.
Toad opened up a nearby chute. "Into the clothes chute, or they'll turn us into vampires like them!" Toad jumped down the chute, and after watching him, Mario, Luigi, and Peach jumped down after him.
I rubbed my nose from
Princess Peach slamming the door on it. When the pain was
relieved, I looked at the door and growled. "So, those
mushroom munchers wanna make it hard for me, do they? I'll show
them!" I looked at my watch. "11:55 PM. Hmmmm, there's
a full moon tonight. Well, if it's hard they want, then hard
I went to another room in the castle. Several Koopa Troopas were relaxing their lazy shells. I yelled loudly to get them moving. "ATTENTION KOOPA TROOPAS! There's a full moon tonight. Let's go out for some midnight evolution..."
The clothes chute had
brought Mario and his pals into a storage room. "Phew!"
Mario sighed of relief. "That was-a-close!"
Luigi suddenly heard some hissing noises. "Sp-sp..." he stuttered.
"Spit it out, Luigi!" Mario commanded.
Luigi pointed to a nearby door. Giant Hoopsters were walking right toward them! "Spiders!" All the good guys screamed at the same time.
"D-d-do something, Mario!" Luigi said as everyone else gasped in alarm.
"Dang it!" Mario swore. "I forgot my bug spray!"
Just then, Peach took notice of a potted Piranha Plant on the windowsill. Normally, those Plants meant trouble for the group, but when she saw the Plant smile at her, she could see it didn't mean any harm. "Aha!" Peach said. "A reformed Piranha Plant! This'll take care of those Hoopsters!" She took ahold of the Piranha Plant and pointed it at the giant Hoopsters.
"Zap 'em, Princess!" Toad shouted.
The Piranha Plant blasted some fireballs at the giant Hoopsters. It scared them away. Peach put the Piranha Plant back on the sill and petted it. It was so glad to help that it blushed!
"We gotta find a way out of here!" Mario said. He walked around the room and noticed a nearby stash of bottles. "What's this?" He took out one of the bottles and read the label. "'Marinara. Chateau Koopula.' Hey! It's tomato sauce!"
But there was soon more on their minds than Mario's hunger. "Hey, guys! Look!" Peach said, looking out the window. "Bowser's up to something weird!" The other three ran up and looked out.
I stood outside in a courtyard with the Koopa Troopas. I said to them, "I command you... behold the full moon!" They stood to face the moon. As the clock struck midnight, a metamorphosis occured, just as I planned. Fangs grew from their mouths, their hands grew sharp claws, their legs stretched longer, their scales turned blue, and their eyes glowed as red as blood. Now, they had the looks of a crossbreed of turtles, werewolves, and some troops of my friend Ganondorfula who he calls Moblins. I gave the werekoopas my orders. "You can do what you want with the faucet freaks, but don't hurt the princess! Now go find 'em!" Having heard that, the werekoopas started making tracks to where they figured those buttinskies were hiding.
them into w-w-wereturtles!" Luigi said, stating the obvious.
"Those Hoopsters were bad enough," Peach griped, "but I can't stand wereturtles!"
"Don't worry, Princess," Mario assured her. "It's us they're after, not you."
"Yeah, Princess, it's us they're after," Luigi echoed. He suddenly did a double take. "Us?!"
Toad took a bottle of tomato sauce and poured out the contents. "Pour some of this spaghetti sauce at the base of the stairs!" They all did so, then waited patiently. Soon, the wereturtles bashed through the door, ran down the steps, and slipped on the tomato sauce, crashing into the stash of tomato sauce bottles.
After a little bit of looking around, Toad discovered something. "Over here! I found a trap door!"
"Let's use it before the wereturtles come to!" Mario said.
Unfortunately, one of the wereturtles had gotten up and approached them. He was dripping in tomato sauce. The sight of him frightened the Mario Bros. and Peach. "Naughty turtle!" Toad scolded, grabbing an empty tomato sauce bottle. "You've been hitting the sauce again! Well, have some more!" He threw the empty bottle into the wereturtle's mouth. As the wereturtle choked from swallowing it, the four good guys dropped down the trap door and tumbled down a flight of stairs.
I had by now figured
that the werekoopas had done enough with the Mario Bros. So I
teleported over to the storage room. To my surprise, I found that
most of the wereturtles were drenched with tomato sauce, and one
of them was choking on an empty bottle.
"You miserable maggots!" I screamed. "What the heck happened here!?"
One of the werekoopas got up and explained to me, in werewolf-type language.
"You say the Mario Bros. poured tomato sauce on the floor?" Then I looked down and noticed the open trap door. "All of you, come with me! I've got some cornering to do..."
"It's a tomato
sauce factory!" Mario gasped in amazement. Several Goombas
were standing on a conveyor belt, squashing some tomatoes that
then had their sauce dumped into a big vat.
"Those Goombas look kinda spaced out to me," Toad observed. He then took a better look and gasped. "No wonder! They're zombies!"
"Maybe we can sneak past them," Peach whispered.
So the group started tiptoing past the zombie Goombas. Mario noticed the vat of tomato sauce. Figuring that since the Goombas were zombies, he walked over to the vat, hoping that the Goombas wouldn't notice. He took a taste. "Mmm... needs garlic."
But apparently, the Goombas may have been faking their zombie thing, because they overheard Mario's comment. They grumbled and jumped up and down. Then one of them threw a tomato at the Mario group. It hit Mario in the face.
"Run for it!" Peach said.
Accompanied by the
werekoopas, I appeared with a cloud of smoke, and just as I
suspected, I found the Marios and Princess Peach in my tomato
sauce factory. I heard Peach tell her friends to start running.
"Too late, Princess Peach!" I shouted, striking more fear into their hearts. The werekoopas, the zombie Goombas, and I surrounded them. "I'm taking you to Count Koopula's torture chamber, wax museum, and dungeon of horrors!"
Sometime later, I had
bolted the Mario Bros. and their little mushroom-hatted friend to
several horrible torture devices. I placed Toad in a thing that
would stretch him very tall. I also had a feather device tickling
Luigi's feet. In case you don't know, I have a thing for feet. As
for Mario, I had bolted him under a leaky pipe.
"Say 'ciao' to your friends, Princess Peach -- that's 'goodbye' in Italian -- 'cause the next time you see them, you're gonna be a Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampire, like me!" I said to Peach as I walked out of the room.
"But I hate tomatoes!" the Princess whined as I dragged her off to my initiation room.
I approached Mousigor on the way out. "Make sure the prisoners don't escape from the torture chamber until I come back and get them."
"Yes, sir," Mousigor accepted the assignment. "They're not to leave the chamber, even if you come and get them."
"No, no," I said dismissively. "Until I come back and get them."
"Until you come and get them," Mousigor repeated, "I'm not to enter the chamber."
"No, you stay in the chamber, and keep the prisoners in there."
"Until you or anyone else--"
"No, not anyone else, just me!"
"Come and get them."
"Come and get them. Right."
"I always wanted
to be taller," Toad groaned, "but this is too
"This tickle torture isn't-a-funny!" Luigi complained between laughs.
"I hate-a-leaks!" Mario griped as water spilled from the broken pipe onto his face. "Somebody call me a plumber!"
Mouser walked in. "You are a plumber!" he said, adding insult to Mario's injury.
Toad talked quietly to the Marios. "Mario! Luigi! I got a plan that'll get us out of this!" He talked loudly now. "Hey, Mousigor!"
Mouser walked over to Toad's device and looked at him. "Why, Toad! How you've grown!"
"Please, Mr. Mousigor," Toad begged, "I can't take this anymore!"
"And I say you can!" Mouser took the handle on the device and started rolling it to make Toad even taller. But he rolled it to much. The wheel went out of control and it took Mouser with it. He splatted head first onto the wall.
"There's more than one way to trap a rodent!" Toad gloated.
The sun was starting
to rise by the time I got Princess Peach to the initiation room
in my castle. But I didn't mind, because the window in this room
was covered by some very nice Laura Ashley curtains that I had
bought on sale at the Villains' Mart for $29.99. Several coffins
rested on the wall.
"Now my dear," I said in a way that the great Dracula would say, "it's time to initiate you into the Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce Vampires!"
Peach immediately threw a witty remark back at my mention of the club. "'Brotherhood'? But I'm a girl!"
Well, I wasn't gonna stand for that throwback. "Listen up, Princess," I told her, "we Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires, and any other kinds of vampires, may mainly be made up of men, but Dracula once tried to make a vampire out of a woman! And if the great Dracula can try to do it, so can I!" I grabbed her by her right arm, when she let out a blood-curdling scream. "And don't scream like that!" I scolded. "You'll ruin my concentration! Not to mention it'll make your blood taste terrible!"
I was about to bite onto her neck when I suddenly heard the door open and someone shouted to me "Unhand her, fang face!" I turned around and gasped in shock. It was the Marios and the mushroom, too! I thought I had left them in the torture chamber with Mousigor! How did they escape?
But I didn't have enough time to think about that question, because suddenly, the little fungus they call Toad rushed up beside me and tore down my Laura Ashley curtains. Huge strokes of sun beat down on me. "OW-OOH-AUUGH!" I screamed. "I HATE SUNLIGHT!" I walked around trying to find some darkness and got right by one of the coffins. I suddenly noticed the pasta-obsessed plumber in front of me. "Out of my way, plumb scum!" I shouted at him.
"This garlic will put you out of the way!" he shouted back. With that, he breathed the terrible smell of garlic right in my face!
"Aiiieee!" I started coughing. The force of the smell threw me at the wall and bounced me on the ceiling. I then smashed right onto a coffin.
"He's having a coffin spell!" Mario joked.
My scheme foiled, I raised my arms up and turned into a bat. "I'll get you for this!" I cried, flying out the window. "I'll be back! Just you wait and see!" As I flew away, I noticed my castle crumbling. I watched and saw the Mario Bros. and their friends rush out the front door and watch it fall down. I flew back to CastleVania to sleep for the day, but not without knowing how much Dracula would discipline me for messing up my assignment.
That night, I
returned to the meeting place in Dracula's castle. It turns out I
had nothing to worry about. I wasn't the only one who didn't
finish the assignment.
"Well, I couldn't initiate anyone into the Brotherhood," I told my fellow vampires. "I suppose you were better off than me, Count Ganondorfula."
"Are you joking?" Ganondorfula said, peeved. "I couldn't even get close to my victims! The masculine one tried to drive a stake through my heart!"
"Oh. Well, how did you fare, Count Giovannicula?"
"I snuck up on them while they were asleep, but their Pikachu saw me coming and gave me a huge Thundershock!"
"Ooh. How about you, Count Dedede?"
"That pink marshmallow I told you about inhaled me before I could get one sip of his blood!"
"Ouch. Et tu, Kount K. Rool?"
"Yes. The big ape I tried to suck the blood of knocked me out!"
"Well, at least it's nice to know I'm not the only Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampire who couldn't initiate anyone."
Just then, Count Dracula pounded his gavel. "Order! Order! Dis meeting of de Loyal Brotherhood of Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires vill come to order." He looked around. "I suppose I shouldn't bother wit de role call, as it is de same as yesterday. Perhaps each and everyvun ov you vould like to explain vhy ve have no new members?"
So each and everyone of us went up to Count Dracula and fessed up about why we hadn't sucked the blood of our proclaimed victims. We thought he was gonna scream us stupid. Instead, he understood perfectly.
"Dat is okay," he said. "I had de same problems you all had. But hey, ve're screaming movie-type monsters! Our names may be in de titles, but we don't alvays vin!"
"So, uh, what's our next assignment, Count Dracula?" I asked.
Dracula gave us each different assignments. "Count Ganondorfula, I vant you to turn a hero-type person into a frog. Count Dedede, I vant you to beat your victim in a race of who can reach de finish line and eat de most food. Count Giovannicula, you are to create a clone of de world's rarest Pokémon, Mew. Kount K. Rool, I vant you to create a spy sattelite to use as your eyes on your home island. And, Count Koopula..."
"You will have to capture your enemies under the guise of a pirate captain!"
"Um, boss, I already did something like that while I was racing Mark Twang to be King of the River."
"Vhat vas your alias den?"
"Den your new alias shall be... Redbeard Koopa! Now don't dawdle, you may miss your chance to finish dis assignment!"
"Yes, sir!" So maybe we'd finish these assignments, maybe we wouldn't. You never can tell with villains who are Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampires by night!