Alexis was right, right about everything.

I walked away from my "real" family into this life. I took for granted how lucky I was just to be alive and to have the support of my family and went towards this life. A life far different then the one I grew up in, if only I could remember.

But I did not walk away because I didn't care about the Quatermaine's. I walked away because they expected something I could not give them, even if I had wanted too, Jason Quatermaine.

Sonny took me in and he is one of the only people who didn't expect me to be someone I was not. He took me as I was and accepted that. He gave me a family.

But because of my association with him I am forced into the stereotype of a gangster. I am just another thug on the street, I work in the shadows, and innocent people get hurt.

My thoughts drift back to last night and what happened to Kristina.

I never met Kristina, not once, but from what everyone said at her funeral made me wish that I had. But if I had, my heart would hurt more for my involvement in her death.

I did not set the bomb nor did I detonate it. But just like Sonny and Roy, I am responsible. Just like Alexis said, her blood is on my hands.

At the funeral, I saw her picture. She was young, beautiful, and resembled Alexis a little. She did not deserve what happened to her, just like Lily, the list goes on.

But in the silence before Alexis spoke, all I could think about was one thing:

I'm glad it wasn't Elizabeth.

And as selfish as that sounds, it still makes me happy to know that she is safe. I'm glad that she met with Sonny as early as she did and then left to find Zander. If she had gone there just a little later then she would be the one that was gone.

And I don't know what I would do if I did not have Elizabeth.

I tried to push her away from my life. She would not allow it. I tried to send her away for her safety, in the arms of another man, but she would not leave. She will not walk away from me, and as much as I push her, all I want to do is have her close.

I have only brought pain and danger into her life. A bomb almost went off in her studio. She was shunned by friends and family for protecting me. I threatened her relationship with Lucky. She was kidnapped and kept in a crypt. And worse of all, in one of my fights she was the one wounded.

Sure, I didn't pull the trigger, but it was my fault.

Her blood is on my hands.

It is my fault she is in this life. If I had just died that day in the snow then she would still be safe. She would not have to live in fear.

But we got too close. We care for eachother. It is too late; she is in danger because of me. And the worst thought crosses my mind:

What if she is next?

My head tells me to push her away with any means necessary. To get her away from this life so she can live safe and happy and not in fear. I want her to be happy and to find someone far away from my line of business and far away from me. I will only cause trouble.

But my heart wants me to pull her close and never let her go. To show her my heart and live the rest of my life showing her how much I love her and how much I care for her. To discover some way to protect her like Sonny protects Carly.

Back in reality I realize that in my line of business, you aren't meant to have a family. It is risky to bring anyone into this life, even if they are willing. Sonny has told me that thousands of times. And when he mentions Lily I know why I am single and choose to live that way. But when I think of him and Carly I realize that it is possible if you love someone as much as he loves her. If you love someone that much, you find a way to protect them, not just for their life but also for your life.

I love Elizabeth that much. I love her so much that I know that I cannot guarantee her safety.

I told her tonight that I wasn't safe and that she should leave. She took my hand and told me that just for that moment she didn't want to feel safe.

I wanted to hold her in my arms, kiss her, touch her, and let her know how I feel.

But I want her safe and the only way I can guarantee that is if she is far away from me.

It hurts so much to have her walk away, see her in the arms of another man, and have her stay away.

But it would hurt much more if I had her and then I lost her.

So, this is best, I tell myself. In time I will learn to forget her and she will be safe. I have to learn to let her go so that she can live out the rest of her life the way it is intended.

My heart, however, refuses let go.