Disclaimer: I don't own The Americans and never will. No copyright infringement intended.
Author's Note: I find Elizabeth fascinating and want to explore her thought processes. Hope you enjoy!
Elizabeth Jennings loathes her life and nearly everyone around her. She's so unhappy she can't see a way out anymore and is drowning under the pressure. Elizabeth spends her days caring for two ungrateful children who are becoming too American and it's pissing her the fuck off. She wants Paige and Henry to love Russia, to appreciate the country where she and Phillip grew up.
Life in America is even worse than she imagined and she can't wait to go home, maybe with her husband. She hasn't had the happiest life with him, but Elizabeth is going to try and make this marriage work, even if he is furious with her about Gregory. Elizabeth does feel guilty for hurting Phillip, but she has no regrets. Gregory was there for her when she needed him and actually listened. She loves Phillip, but she loves Gregory just a little bit more. Ending the affair with him was the right move, however, even though it does hurt. But this is a fresh start, one they all need.
Elizabeth just has to keep reminding herself that she's doing this for Russia, and she'll be fine. At least she hopes so because she's falling apart more and more each day. Trying to find her footing and regain some ground is hard if not impossible. Going home is her goal and it's going to happen one way or another. She's not planning on living out the rest of her life and then dying in America. It's been too long already and she doesn't appreciate that Phillip wants to stay here. Elizabeth still isn't sure what the fuck that is about, but she's definitely keeping an eye on him. She won't let him get dragged anymore in that fucking stupid American dream. She just hopes he isn't compromised or he may end up dead, too.
She fears getting caught and sent to jail every day, wonders what would happen to the brats she's supposed to love (and does, but really doesn't feel it a lot of the time, which she supposes should worry her). Would they be allowed here because they're American or sent to Russia, a place they've only heard about and dislike because of what that president is saying? She doesn't know, but it haunts Elizabeth sometimes.
Elizabeth is really sick of the conflicting emotions she feels every minute. She wishes she could just stick to one emotion and be done with it. It'd be a whole lot easier that way and maybe she'd enjoy her life.
She's been trapped in this life so long that she's not sure which way is up any longer. It's driving her nuts because she used to feel like she was making a difference (Did she ever, though?), but it doesn't feel like that now. So much has changed since she was seventeen years old. Phillip clearly isn't having a crisis like her, which only irritates Elizabeth even more. Why can't he see what she's going through? Gregory did, which sends a pang through her heart. But she's not going to think of him in any other way than professional now.
Elizabeth wishes she could cry, but that is a weakness, one that was beaten out of her a long time ago. She's not the same person she once was. It makes her feel hopeless that there really is no way out of this life for the foreseeable future.
Elizabeth Jennings can never go back to being the woman she used to be – That girl died during training and she's never going to see the light of day again, even once they go back. Her future is bleak and that's what hurts the most. There is no more optimism left for her. She's just going to have to accept it once and for all.