Yes folks! Another 'girls falls in to Middle-Earth' farce.
It's just such a wonderful and wish-fulfilling idea that I had to have it.
And then run away with it laughing hysterically.
And to the appease the Copyright Gods: Disclaimers everywhere! Be free little ones and tell the world that I do not own any of this gorgeous franchise.
Also a side note: This was deleted last time because of my failure to read the Terms and Conditions. Anyway hope those of you who were with me before and still here!
When you die you generally expect some kind of fanfare right? Well tough luck kiddies, you'll get none of that here. You also don't expect to be able to tell people about it from beyond the grave yet here we are. My story, leading up to my death, is quite common and boring actually but I'm going to tell you anyway so sit yourself down and pretend you're interested. On Earth, in the wondrous Isle of the Brits, I spent twenty six happy years minding my own business. My life usually consisted of drifting from one place to another, finding jobs where I could and spending my money on classes and holidays. Hiking was my forte, still is sometimes, when I'm permitted to leave. Right at this moment in time, I'm being tucked away from the world for my own safety. You'll see why. When not on holiday or even when I was I stuck my nose in a book for the most part. Sometimes I even went out and allowed myself a little tipple down the pub with mates. A lot of the time I was collecting skills because I'm extremely fickle and change my hobbies like I change clothes. To be fair, this isn't as often as you might hope. I spent a lot of time, when not deciding what to do with my life other than hiking, in my pyjamas. I taught myself to sew, to play the piano which really has no practical use at all in this world. I took up a sword fighting class once only to cut my leg open and decided that I was more of a cook. When I had a very boring temp job, as this is how I funded everything, I once decided to learn Elvish. I'm an avid Tolkein fan. Now this is important and will most definitely come in to play later but for now I'm still going to talk about myself. I am a delight.
I digress. Anyway I once learnt survival skills, like those Bushcraft things? Yeah my then boyfriend took me on one. Never again. Not willingly anyway. It came in handy when I got lost hiking and now of course. I only did this twice and it was the second time that everything changed
I, Kayleigh Gallagher, woke up to find myself dead. No, really. I died. Actually I've done this four times now but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's focus on the first time. Hiking in New Zealand, inspired by the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, in a place with a name I can't pronounce. I fell off a cliff. It wasn't my finest moment, no. Although the argument could be made that my life wasn't a finest moment. Just a boring passing of time. Slow and meandering. Nothing like my life now. I plunged to the earth, the only thing concerning me was my lack of concern and I briefly cursed Peter Jackson and Tolkein for making such wonderful books and films.
It was over in five seconds. There was no shining light or pearly gates. My life didn't flash before my eyes. Death itself was actually quite boring. I did try to warn you. But after my death. After I was blinked from existence from the only world I knew. That was when my glorious, sad, frustrating and wonderful adventure began.
I lay staring at the sky of the Shire. It was a vivid blue and somehow much different to the sky from back home. There was no pollution in it for one thing. At nights the stars shone as brightly as the sun did on Earth. The constellations were different. Not that I knew any from before but the stars here were definitely placed differently. In fact, everything was different. The grass was greener somehow, flowers smelt sweeter and the food! I could sit and wax lyrical about the food! But I won't.
I had, by this point of my new timeline, been on Middle-Earth for two days. I'd first opened my eyes to this deep blue with a new certainty burning in my soul. The first thing that I knew for sure that I had chosen to come to Middle-Earth. I was in Middle-Earth because I had asked to come here. Apparently my nose dive in to the Tasman Sea hadn't discouraged my love of this world. The second thing that I knew for sure was that I had a mission in coming here. I feel that it was given to me by the Valar themselves because only they would have the power to assist me in my adventure. Who else could bring me back from death and implant me in their world? Personally I suspect Aulë, the creator of the dwarrows. They call him Mahal but I've never been able to pronounce that properly without insulting them. With these sureties in mind I'd immediately found my bearings and begun the long walk to find Bilbo Baggins. Thankfully I was somehow magically clothed although I didn't question it at the time. When you die and suddenly fall in to a new world as a different species all together the little things don't matter as much. I wasn't entirely sure when I was in the Lord of the Rings timeline but passing a couple of dwarrows, now my kinsmen as I'd come to Middle-Earth in dwarf form, set things straight for me. I'd recognised the tattooed and bald head of Dwalin, this timeline somehow following the film, and I knew almost immediately when and where I was. It took me two days to find Bywater where I set up shop in The Ivy Bush for a night, offering my skills at cooking in place of money. I never once questioned my self-given mission although I did rage against my circumstances. Let's skip that though, it's very embarrassing. I did all of this out of instinct, calling upon all of the skills I had taught myself. Except piano playing. Really, there was no point in my learning that at all. After that night I went all the way over to Bag End and very rudely helped myself to the grass of his roof. I stayed there eating apples I'd stolen from the kitchen of the Ivy Bush until everything was in place.
So there we are. I lay staring at the vivid blue of the Shire sky on top of Bag End until darkness crawled over the land accompanied by a cool breeze. There was silence all around and it was the most perfect, pleasant evening. Then the dwarrows started to arrive. I heard the angry drawl of Dwalin, the fatherly clucking of Balin, the lively enthusiasm of Kili and Fili and finally the rest of the dwarrows bar Thorin. I also never questioned why the film was being followed. I'd mused upon it briefly before realising that I'd never receive an answer. It was after Gandalf had entered the adorable little Hobbit Hole that I chose to make myself known. I scrambled down inelegantly from the hill as my legs had gone numb and pins and needles were attacking me. I knocked on the door before even thinking about what I was going to say.
Hello. My name is Kayleigh Gallagher and I am here to fuck shit up.