The One with Condoms and Lube
Summary: Finn gets a lesson in gay sex. Reaction to 4x14, "I Do."
"I don't get it," Finn says, looking more than his normal level of confused.
"How they get bubbles in pop?" Sam asks. "I've never been able to figure that out either, dude. Just go with it." He takes a long, loud slurp of his Coke.
"I think they use magic," Brittany says. "You know like the way Keebler elves make cookies."
Sam smiles at her and leans in to kiss Brittany on the tip of her nose.
Most of the New Directions alums, plus Sam, Brittany, Tina and Artie are sitting around an empty table catching up with each other in between dances. Kurt and Blaine, however, haven't left the dance floor since their duet, and now they're giggling as they trade shimmies and smiles to some unidentifiable upbeat disco song. Finn's eyes find the ex couple and his expression becomes even more muddled.
"No, not that," Finn says. His eyes narrow as his brow furrows. He leans in toward the table and lowers his voice. "How can two dudes do it in a car?"
"What do you mean?" Sam asks, not understanding Finn's confusion.
"There's not enough room… for… things," he says. "This one time Rachel and I tried to do it in the back of her dads' Jetta and I kept bumping my head on the window."
"Well Blaine is kind of a little dude," Sam says.
"Dude," Puck says, waggling his eyebrows obscenely. "No. Hand jobs."
Mercedes giggles into her drink and says, "It just looked like some good old fashioned bumpin' and grindin' to me."
" 'Cause the plumbing's different," Brittany says, looking like it was common knowledge.
"Oh my god," Finn says. "Gross. That's my brother."
"Dude, you started the conversation," Puck says smugly as he shoves the last bite of a mini cupcake in his mouth.
"But I don't want to think about Kurt getting a– No, just no."
"You know not all gay guys have anal sex," Artie says, matter-of-factly.
"Gross." Finn sticks his fingers in his ears and lowers his eyes to the table, trying not to look at Kurt.
"Dude, you did not just say anal," Puck says.
"No, it's true," Rachel confirms. "My dads told me it's actually pretty common for guys to stick to um… well..."
"Frottage?" Tina offers.
"That too," Rachel says, grinning down into her glass of club soda as she takes a sip.
"Oh my god!" Finn stands up. "I'm done with this conversation. You guys are disgusting." He throws his arms up in frustration and looks around at his friends, hoping someone will understand his plight. But all of them are either hiding their poorly contained giggles behind their hands or just outright laughing at him. He storms off to the bathroom.
While he's peeing, Finn decides he was kind of being an asshole. His friends were just trying to help him out and it's actually kind of reassuring in an odd way.
Just as he's finishing drying his hands, the door to the bathroom opens, a flushed and smiling Kurt breezing in.
"Hey," he says. "Having fun?"
"Me too," Kurt says, grinning even wider. Then his face softens a little. "It's sad about Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury, though."
"Totally," Finn says, unable to meet Kurt's eye.
"Finn, are you okay?" Kurt asks, his face scrunching up in confusion. "Is Rachel being a pain in the ass? I can give her a talking to."
"No, no… it's cool. I'm just…" Finn trails off. He takes a deep breath and finally meets Kurt's gaze. "You and Blaine are having fun."
Kurt glances around the room nervously and pulls at his hands a little. "Um, well, you know we're friends again and it's good to see him."
Finn smiles. He knows exactly how Kurt feels.
"Yeah, dude. I get it," he says with a sad smile. "I'm just happy for you. That's all."
"Thanks, Finn," Kurt says with a knowing smile. "You too."
"I was thinking about getting a room," he says. "You know, for me and Rachel. Maybe you and Blaine…."
"Um, well… I don't–"
"Dude, it's cool," Finn interrupts. "I know what happened before the wedding. You guys should have fun."
"Oh god, this is so embarrassing."
"How do you think I feel?" Finn says with a self-deprecating laugh. "I'm just happy to know that you and Blaine weren't doing it in the butt in the backseat of a car at the church."
Kurt's eyebrows shoot up. Finn knows that look. Shit.
"Well, um… Mercedes told us what happened, and well, I just assumed when she said sex she meant… " Finn trails off and leans in to whisper, "Well, you know."
Kurt's mouth drops open and he wavers for a moment like he might say something before Finn continues.
"Anyway, Rachel said not all guys do it that way, and I just never really thought about it that way and it's actually kinda c–"
"Oh my god, Finn, stop talking."
Kurt turns to look in the mirror and fix his hair, but he freezes when he sees Finn's eyes locked on him.
"Was there something else?" Kurt asks, a single eyebrow raised.
"I'm just… really proud of you, little brother."
Kurt reels around to face Finn, but something about Finn's expression must stop him because instead of chastising, he crosses his arms and looks at Finn.
"Yes?" Kurt dares him to elaborate.
"Well, I never thought like… two dudes. You'd both really know what the other one likes and stuff and if you're like doing it in a car, well, you must be really comfortable with each other. And Rachel always wanted to do it with the lights off."
"She's still that way," Kurt says offhandedly.
Finn flinches at the thought of Rachel having sex with someone else. They're living together; he figured it was the case, but to hear it out loud? That kind of hurts.
"Oh, god Finn. Sorry," Kurt says, running a hand down Finn's arm.
"No, it's ok. I kind of figured." He looks down at his feet for a moment and then glances back up to Kurt, feeling more confident than before.
"Did you see she went for the bouquet?" Finn says.
"I don't think she's as serious as she says she is about that Brody guy."
Kurt smiles sympathetically.
"For what it's worth," he says. "I'm kind of hoping it dies in a raging inferno… and soon."
They share a laugh before Finn pulls Kurt into a crushing hug.
"Thanks," he says. When he releases Kurt, he smiles and heads for the door.
"Oh, Finn," Kurt calls out just as Finn's hand closes on the handle, causing him to turn back. "I've got extra condoms if you need them."
Finn's eyes go wide. Does that mean…?
"And lube," Kurt adds.
"Oh my god."
Kurt's laughter rings out as Finn rushes out of the bathroom.
When Kurt returns from the bathroom, he finds Blaine and twirls him back onto the dance floor and relays his encounter with Finn.
"You should have seen his face, Blaine. It was priceless."
Blaine just stares at him for a moment. They've stopped moving in time with the music.
"Do you?" he asks.
"Do I what?"
"Have condoms and lube?" Blaine whispers.
Kurt just smiles and nods as Blaine works to stifle his giggle just as Finn and Rachel start their duet. The sweet, slow melody feels like a spell being cast over them.
"How about…" Kurt says, leaning in close and resting his hands on Blaine's shoulders. "We go upstairs?"
He can feel Blaine's hands splayed out across his back, pulling him closer.
"Sure," Blaine says, his breath hot and tickling Kurt's ear. "Just one more dance first."