A sea monster ate the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters. And now the further adventures of our favorite terrorists…
Cobra Commander and the Bermuda Triangle
"Back! Back you blasted beast!" Cobra Commander screamed as he whacked the purple tentacle surrounding his body with his blaster. He finally used the blaster on the tentacle and the creature screamed in pain.
"That's right! Get out of here!" Cobra Commander kept firing until the creature withdrew the tentacle from his body and went below the surface. The Baroness, Mindbender and the Crimson Twins were firing as well.
"Keep firing!" The Baroness shouted as she used her blaster over the side of the ship. "DESTRO GET US OUT OF HERE!"
The ship lurched and sped off. "Finally!" Cobra Commander snarled. He looked at his uniform. "Ugh! I got slime all over my uniform!"
"We're all fine! Thank you very much for your concern!" The Baroness said sarcastically.
"Oh don't be a drama queen!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're fine!"
"I've got slime on my uniform," Xamot winced.
"Me too," Tomax grumbled.
"I'm dripping slime all over the place," Mindbender groaned. "And not in a fun way."
"Suck it up!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Do we have any washing machines on this ship?" Tomax asked his brother.
"I hope so…" Xamot groaned.
"Look I told you we would lose them once we got the ship to break the surface and convert back from a sub to a yacht," Cobra Commander snapped. "It's a good thing we managed to steal one of these special kinds of ships."
"Yes, otherwise we never would have gotten lost and attacked by a sea monster!" Mindbender snapped.
"We are not lost. I'm sure Destro knows where we are," Cobra Commander waved. "He's the one driving the ship."
"You pilot a ship," Tomax corrected.
"Not drive it," Xamot added.
"Look the point is we're fine and we can….AAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander slipped and fell on his behind. "OW!"
"Told you…" Tomax began.
"It was slippery…" Xamot added.
"Well there is a lot of slime on deck," The Baroness remarked. "Watch your step."
"Very helpful Baroness! Okay new plan…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "We change our clothes then we meet up with Destro on the bridge in five minutes."
"Fine we can…" The Baroness began when she slipped and fell. "WHOA!"
"AAAAH!" Mindbender also slipped and fell. "I'm okay! I only hit my head! OW!"
"WHOOPS!" The Crimson Twins also slipped and fell.
"Watch your step," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"Ooh look at all the pretty winged lab rats," Mindbender blinked.
"Better make it ten minutes…" The Baroness groaned.
"I gathered that, yes…" Cobra Commander groaned.
Ten minutes later…
"Good thing there are some washing machines on this ship," The Baroness grumbled as she entered the bridge wearing gray sweatpants and a gray sweatshirt. She was also wearing sneakers.
"Yes, we were lucky…"Tomax said as he walked in wearing blue shorts and a white T-shirt with sneakers.
"We had any clothes at all," Xamot said as he entered wearing the exact same thing as his brother.
"I know," Mindbender walked in. He was wearing something that looked almost exactly like his usual purple uniform except that this outfit had sparkles and large purple feathers sticking out from the top of Mindbender's cape. "We really need to have some kind of laundry schedule around here."
"Mindbender why are you wearing that?" Destro asked. He was at the controls of the ship.
"And what is that?" The Baroness wrinkled her nose.
"This is my formal wear uniform," Mindbender told them. "It's all I had left."
"God and I thought your regular costume was ridiculous," Destro groaned. "Do you have glitter on your abs?"
"And your head?" The Baroness's jaw dropped.
"I had to put it on. It goes with the outfit," Mindbender waved. "It's that extra touch that makes me feel sparkly."
"I feel like I'm on a cruise ship with the cast of Le Cage Aux Folles," The Baroness groaned as she indicated Mindbender and the twins. "Although Mindbender no one else on this ship looks more ridiculous than you!"
"All right, let's get down to business!" Cobra Commander came in wearing his usual helmet but instead of his uniform he was wearing a bright pink bathrobe, pink gloves and pink slippers.
"I stand corrected," The Baroness groaned.
"Why are you in a pink bathrobe?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"Because all my uniforms are in the washing machine and somebody put something red in with my white bathrobe!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Not to mention my white gloves and slippers! Who was the last idiot that did the laundry?"
"That would have been you, Cobra Commander," The Baroness gave him a look. "Remember the little party you had the other day after the tortoise funeral?" (*)
"Oh yeah. Caesar's wake," Cobra Commander blinked. "I wasn't so much morning him as I just wanted to get drunk. I must have had a plan or something."
"Or something yes," Destro cleared his throat. "Let's discuss our next plan of action shall we? Considering our last plan was a complete failure!"
"Who would have thought that not only would Atlantis still exist as a functioning city but its king would be a total prick?" Cobra Commander grumbled as he sat on a chair.
"I'm sure he would not have been so cranky if you hadn't tried to steal from him," Destro gave his leader a look.
"Oh please! There were jewels all over the place! He wasn't going to miss one or two dozen!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I'm pretty sure he would have since you were stealing from his bathroom," Destro gave him another look.
"It needed remodeling anyway," Cobra Commander waved. "That reminds me, did anyone get anything good?"
"I got some seaweed in my pocket," Mindbender showed him. "I think it's edible." He took a bite. "Hmm…Not bad. Could use some salt."
"I'll take that as a no," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Can't you morons do anything right?"
"Apart from saving you from a mess that you caused, apparently not!" The Baroness said sarcastically.
"At least we taught that stupid sea monster that stupid king sicced on us a lesson so it wasn't a total loss for us," Cobra Commander sighed.
"That and giving the inhabitants of Atlantis another reason to mistrust the surface world," Destro remarked.
"Okay first of all where the hell are we?" Cobra Commander asked.
"According to my calculations we are approximately 18.5 North and 66.5 West of the Equator," Destro told them.
"Isn't that right in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle?" Mindbender asked.
"Not exactly the middle but somewhere around that area yes," Destro said. "At least that is what I calculated before the instruments mysteriously shorted out and stopped working."
"Well that's just great!" The Baroness threw up her hands. "We're doomed!"
"Okay let's get a hold of ourselves," Cobra Commander held up his hand. "Just because hundreds of ships disappeared in this one area never to be seen again that doesn't mean it will happen to us. In fact for all we know all those stories about ghost ships are nothing but twaddle!"
"Then uh, how do you explain that?" Xamot pointed out the window.
"It's just a lot of fog," Cobra Commander said. "Okay a lot of fog that has come out of nowhere but we could have just hit a batch of cold air or something."
"And that?" Tomax pointed to some glowing lights in the distance.
"Probably a mirage," Cobra Commander waved. "They have them at sea too you know? Most likely caused by pockets of methane gas escaping from under the sea floor."
"And that big spooky looking old pirate ship that's sailing out of the fog with strange spectral crewmembers that look like rejects from a Pirates of the Caribbean Movie?" The Baroness pointed.
"Obviously those are regular pirates just taking advantage of the legend and trying to scare people into giving up their valuables," Cobra Commander waved. "We've done that before!"
"Uh Commander!" Mindbender gulped. "That ship is heading right for us!"
"Turn the ship! Turn the ship!" The Baroness shouted.
"I'm trying!" Destro took the wheel and tried to drive. "I can't get out of the way!"
"We're gonna crash!" The Twins shouted.
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander grumbled. "There goes the paint job."
The ship however did not crash. It seemed to sail right through the ship. "Okay that's new," Cobra Commander blinked.
Before anyone could speak some green glowing apparitions surrounded them. A dozen ghost pirates in skeleton form appeared laughing. "You win. This is real," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"You're being unusually calm about the fact that we are surrounded by ghosts who will very likely drag our souls to a watery grave!" Mindbender yelped.
"Please this is not my first time at the Ghost Rodeo," Cobra Commander waved. "Besides I had a pretty strong shot of bourbon so that takes the edge off."
"How strong a shot are we talking about?" Destro gave the Commander a look.
"Okay half a bottle," Cobra Commander waved. "But to be fair it was only because it was already half empty."
"That explains why you are so calm," The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"I know. If only I had learned years ago that being half plastered makes me less likely to freak out I could have saved myself a lot of embarrassment in the 80's," Cobra Commander nodded.
"Oh bloody hell," A ghost pirate remarked as he looked around. "We've run into another one of those gay cruises haven't we?"
"No, this isn't!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're just a group of normal people out for a little cruise."
"Right, and I'm the bloody Queen of England," A Ghost Pirate Captain looked around. He looked at Mindbender. "Sorry, that looks like the bloody queen of…"
"Hey! I'm just wearing this because all my other clothes are in the wash and this is formal wear!" Mindbender snapped.
"Formal wear for what?" The Ghost Pirate Captain spoke up. "The Moulin Rouge?"
"Get a load of this one," Another skeletal pirate pointed to Cobra Commander.
"I had an accident with my laundry!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Suurrree you did," Another pirate remarked. "Oi you in the Iron Mask, your last name wouldn't happen to be McCullen wouldn't it?"
"How did you know that?" Destro asked.
"There's a whole boat load of your relatives sailing around here," Another pirate groaned. "They're all bloody annoying!"
"Oh crap! Speaking of which! I see the Iron Mask headed this way!" A third ghost pirate shouted.
"Come on lads! These blighters are too weird for us!" The Ghost Pirate Captain waved. He and the other pirates disappeared in a flitter of green smoke.
"Well that's rather insulting," Mindbender remarked.
"Iron Mask? That was a ship sailed by one of my ancestors that disappeared…" Destro blinked. "Oh dear…Uh Commander I suggest that we set sail and try to leave the Bermuda Triangle."
"Want to split before your dead relatives come to visit?" Cobra Commander asked.
"If they're anything like Destro's living relatives I believe that would be a wise choice," The Baroness said.
"Uh too late," Mindbender pointed as another set of ghosts appeared. This time it was a crew of pirates all wearing masks of some form or another.
"Avast!" A ghost pirate captain appeared. He was wearing an iron mask almost exactly like Destro's except he had a huge pirate hat on top of it. He wore a glowing red captain's coat and his left leg was wooden. "I be Captain McCullen! Scourge of the Seven Seas!" He barked in a Scottish accent.
"Oh. You must be several times Great Uncle Irving," Destro drawled.
"Watch your tongue James Destro McCullen!" Captain McCullen snarled as he pointed a bony finger at him. "You are the shame of the family seed! Especially how you lost our ancestral home!"
"How do you know about that?" Destro blinked.
"I get GNN," Captain McCullen snapped. "Ghost News Network!"
"Oh," Destro frowned.
"Wait? Ghosts have Cable TV?" Cobra Commander asked.
"More like an undead satellite but I digress," Captain McCullen waved. He then looked at the group. "I knew you were a shame on our family James, but I had no idea it was this bad!"
"Did we interrupt your dance practice or something?" A male pirate in a deer mask spoke up. He pointed at Mindbender. "That one looks like a bloody showgirl!"
"Again! I had nothing else to wear!" Mindbender snapped.
"I think even being naked is better than that get up!" Captain McCullen snapped. He then looked at Cobra Commander. "With one exception…"
"Are all ghosts this rude or is this just a local thing?" Cobra Commander snapped as he stood up. "What do you want with us anyway?"
"To sell you all Amway Insurance. WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Captain McCullen snapped. "We're pirate ghosts. We're doomed to haunt these seas forever! What else do we have to do? Can't exactly go out and see a Broadway show you know?"
"I dunno, judging by this lot we may very well get that chance!" The deer mask pirate pointed to Mindbender.
"Besides James! There must be a reckoning for all the shame you have caused our family!" Captain McCullen pointed to him. "For starters…What the hell is with the Jamaican accent? You're bloody Scottish! Talk like it!"
"I spent a lot of my youth in Jamaica," Destro snapped. "I just picked it up!"
"Well so did I but I don't sound like a reject from an 80's diet soda commercial!" Captain McCullen snapped. "Which leads me to my second complaint. You have done squat for the family since the 80's!"
"Oh I suppose all those bills I paid for the family since then count for nothing?" Destro snapped. "What about Aunt Patrica's liposuction?"
"Okay I'll give you that," Captain McCullen shuddered. "But still due to your incompetence we lost our ancestral castle!"
"Please! That place was a dump even in your time," The Baroness huffed. "I've been there! You're better off without that money pit!"
"We've all been there and I have to agree with the Baroness on this one," Cobra Commander waved.
"What?" Destro turned around.
"Come on Destro. Admit it. If it wasn't for the fact that it was the Dreadnoks that took your castle you wouldn't care if it burned to the ground," The Baroness told him.
"Well I admit it was not exactly in my top ten favorite addresses but still…" Destro shrugged. "Home is home."
"Didn't you move out of that dump and into an apartment in Jamaica by the time you were nineteen?" Cobra Commander asked. "And you had to give it to that woman you knocked up?"
"Shut up!" Destro hissed.
"I'd forgotten about that fiasco! Face it, Lad! You are a complete disappointment!" Captain McCullen snapped.
"Oh like all of you were so great? I've read my family history! At least I'm one of the few Lords of McCullen that wasn't caught having an affair with a sheep!" Destro shouted.
Several of the pirates looked a bit nervous at that. "Okay in the first place I was drunk!" Captain McCullen held up his hands. "And blindfolded and it was really all my cousin Patrick's fault for…"
"Oh sure! Blame me!" Another ghost pirate called out in the back. "You wanted it and you know it!"
"That's a bloody lie!" Captain McCullen snapped. "That was all you! That and the fish thing…"
"This is way too much information," The Baroness spoke up. "Which makes me relieved that we never got married and had children!"
"You're not the only one relieved about that sister!" Captain McCullen snapped.
"The only thing Destro did do right was not marry this one," A female pirate wearing a fox mask pointed to the Baroness.
"What does that mean? My family is of royal blood!" The Baroness sniffed.
"Royal pains in the arse is more like it," Another pirate agreed.
"We all know about your family!" The Fox Pirate spoke up. "Do you know how your family became royals? Two words: Identity theft!"
"What?" The Baroness blinked.
"It's true," Captain McCullen nodded. "See your Great, Great, Great Grandmother was actually a low born prostitute. One night as she was coming home from shagging a boatload of sailors she happened upon a carriage accident. Some mudslide or something. The point is she decided to change clothes with the corpse of a real princess and pretended to be her. Then she posed as the princess and married this old Duke who died within a week of their marriage. That's how she got to be royal!"
"Yeah that sounds like something one of your ancestors would do," Cobra Commander snorted as he looked at the Baroness. "That explains a lot."
"That's a lie! How do you know about that anyway?" The Baroness snapped.
"Because I used to date her if you get my drift," Captain McCullen gave her a look. "Why do you think I ended up out here? She framed me for a crime I didn't commit and I had to take off to save my hide before I could expose her!"
"Wait, I never knew you were in Russia that long ago," Destro asked.
"I wasn't. The accident happened in bloody Scotland where nobody knew what the real princess looked like!" Captain McCullen snapped. "And it was a Scottish royal that ended up marrying her and dying! All she had to do was use a fake Russian accent and say Dah every now and then to fool people!"
"And no one figured out…"Xamot began.
"From the princess's family that she was a fake?" Tomax asked.
"Of course not! There weren't exactly a lot of photographs lying around at the time!" Captain McCullen snapped. "When she did finally move to the princess' homeland all her relatives were either dead or half blind because they drank bad vodka!"
"Really?" Destro folded his arms and looked at the Baroness.
"All she had to do is bribe a few officials and she was able to present herself as a princess and her lover, a stable boy as royalty and that's how they lived the rest of their lives!" Captain McCullen snapped.
"Oh this is priceless!" Cobra Commander laughed.
"Really? You are laughing at her family tree Snake Breath?" Captain McCullen gave Cobra Commander a look. "You whose family gained nobility because they survived an important battle when all others died? You want to know how he survived?"
"Uh that's not important," Cobra Commander coughed.
"He survived because he overslept because of a hangover," Captain McCullen snapped. "By the time he woke up the battle was almost over. All he did was smear some blood on his face and stab the real hero of the battle in the back and took the glory!"
"That sounds like something your relatives would do!" The Baroness glared at Cobra Commander.
"What is this? An undead family reunion special?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We hope not," Tomax grimaced.
"We certainly don't want to meet any of our deceased relatives," Xamot agreed.
"How do you know all this?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"The undead know a lot Cobra Commander," Captain McCullen snapped. "Like how you once diddled my nephew here out of a few million dollars because you said you never received a certain shipment of weapons when in truth you accidentally blew them up yourself!"
"I KNEW IT!" Destro roared. "I KNEW THAT SHIPMENT ARRIVED ON TIME! FAULTY LABELING MY FOOT!"
"Oooh! Do me next! Do me!" Mindbender walked up to Captain McCullen. "Come on! Do me! Tell me about my family!"
"What do you think this is? A party game?" Captain McCullen snapped.
"Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!" Mindbender said excitedly.
"No! Is he always this annoying?" Captain McCullen pointed to Mindbender.
"Actually you've caught him…" Xamot began.
"On a good day," Tomax smirked.
"Go ahead and tell him," Xamot waved.
"He won't shut up until you do," Tomax said.
"Trust us on this," The Twins said as one.
"Do they do that all the time?" The Fox Pirate asked.
"Yes," The Baroness folded her arms. "I'm looking pretty good right now aren't I?"
"Not that good lass!" Another pirate called out.
"Oh what do you lot know about taste anyway? I've seen masks in party stores better than most of your lot!" The Baroness snapped.
"How many times have you chiseled me out of my hard earned cash?" Destro shouted at Cobra Commander.
"Hard earned? Please! Half the money you inherited and the other half you made selling weapons to terrorists!" Cobra Commander sneered. "It's more work selling Twinkies to fat people!"
"Do me! Do me! Do me!" Mindbender went on excitedly.
"Please tell me you are asking about information on your relatives," Captain McCullen groaned. "On second thought, I don't want to know!"
"I am so glad I am not part of this judgmental family of pricks!" The Baroness shouted.
"You are such a drama queen!" Cobra Commander said to Destro. He turned to Captain McCullen. "He is! He is a drama queen!"
"You really want to throw around that accusation considering the way you are dressed Cobra Commander?" Destro folded his arms.
"That was an accident! An accident!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Yes. Like all your other accidents!" Destro shouted. "Anyone who is even slightly familiar with your history of incompetence…"
"I'M INCOMPETENT? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE MESSES YOU…" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Come on! I want to know! Tell me!" Mindbender kept bugging the ghost pirate. "At least give me a hint!"
"I tell you one of the smartest things I have ever done was not marry Destro!" The Baroness huffed.
"Not for lack of trying," Xamot smirked.
"WHO ASKED YOU?" The Baroness yelled.
"It's his entire fault you know? Every misfortune and misery I have suffered is because of Cobra Commander!" Destro pointed to Cobra Commander.
"Please! Where would you be without me?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Wherever it would be it's still better than with you!" Destro yelled.
"It's not like you two are such experts in the field of relationships yourselves you know?" The Baroness snapped at the Crimson Twins. "That twenty something year disaster with Deming? HA! I could have told you where that was going years ago!"
"Still progressed faster than your relationship with Destro!" Tomax snapped.
"Glaciers progressed faster than her relationship with Destro," Xamot added.
"That's a fine way to talk after everything I have done for you!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Everything you've done for…? You ruined my life!" Destro yelled. "My home! My wealth! My company! My reputation is all destroyed because of you!"
"Oh yes! Everything is my fault!" Cobra Commander drawled sarcastically.
"THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS YOUR FAULT!" Destro yelled.
"Oh come on! This isn't fair! I want to know!" Mindbender pleaded. "I also want to know if any of you female ghosts are available for a date."
"It's not like I put a gun to your head and made you join Cobra," Cobra Commander pointed out. "I admit I have done that to other people, but not you!"
"You want to date a ghost?" The Baroness overheard Mindbender.
"Still a step up from Mindbender's usual company," Xamot shrugged.
"Or the Baroness's love life for that matter," Tomax smirked.
"Keep talking Crimson Clods!" The Baroness made a fist.
"You know you can't have sex with ghost right?" Xamot gave Mindbender a look.
"I know. It's not that much different than my usual Saturday night," Mindbender shrugged. "I just want some company and good conversation for a change."
"You are the most scurrilous, misanthropic, vile individual I have ever met!" Destro yelled at Cobra Commander.
"Flattery will get you nowhere," Cobra Commander sneered.
"So how about it ladies? Anybody?" Mindbender asked. A resounding shudder and a chorus of no's rang out from the female pirates. "Okay take some time and think it over!"
"All right Great Uncle Irving! Whatever you plan to do to me, I suggest you get it over with!" Destro pleaded. "Go ahead! Put me out of my misery! Take my soul to Hell! Oh wait, I'm already in Hell!"
"Well I was considering haunting you until the day you died but after spending some time with these lunatics I won't," Captain McCullen snapped. "Nothing I could do could be worse than you spending an eternity with them!"
"You have a point," Destro shrugged.
"Irving can we get out of here?" The Fox Pirate asked. "That bald one is giving us the creeps!"
"Okay how about a boy's night out with some of you guys?" Mindbender talked to the ghosts. "I'm game for anything. Wait I didn't mean it like that…"
"I'm not so sure!" Another ghost pirate groaned. "I'm outta here!"
"No, they are out of here!" Captain McCullen shouted. "It's creeps like them that give the rest of us a bad name!"
"So is that a maybe?" Mindbender asked.
"BEGONE!" Captain McCullen screamed.
Suddenly the ship lurched backward. "AAAAAAAH!" Cobra Commander yelled as he and the other Cobras were thrown backwards.
The pirates disappeared with a scream and the ship was violently tossed around for several minutes. When it finally stopped the Cobras were all in a messy heap. "You couldn't have put on underwear, Cobra Commander?" Destro groaned from where he lay.
"I'm trying something new," Cobra Commander muttered as he adjusted his bathrobe and got up. "Mostly because they're all in the wash!"
"Where are we now?" The Baroness groaned as she and the rest of the Cobras got up. They went on deck.
"It's calm and sunny," Tomax remarked as they looked around the ocean.
"We must be out of the Bermuda Triangle," Xamot said.
"Good! That had to have been the stupidest haunting I have ever experienced," Cobra Commander grumbled. "And considering all the time I spent with Crystal Ball that's saying something!"
"Wow. We were just kicked out of an area famous for collecting souls of the damned," Mindbender blinked. "That has got to be a new record!"
"Cobra Commander always makes friends wherever we go," Destro remarked.
"Again you blame it on me!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. "It's not like the rest of you were any prize at all you know?"
"At least we weren't hitting on any ghosts," The Baroness gave Mindbender a look.
"Excuse me for trying to have a social life!" Mindbender snapped.
"Look, we've all had a rotten day…" Cobra Commander raised his hand. "Some things were said in the heat of the moment that weren't meant."
"I meant what I said," Destro growled.
"Since this day is shot anyway let's regroup and by regroup I mean get plastered," Cobra Commander went on.
"Uh Cobra Commander…" Mindbender gulped and pointed. "We have another problem?"
"What is it now, Mindbender?" Cobra Commander asked in an annoyed tone.
"That," Mindbender said. Cobra Commander turned around and saw the large purple tentacle from before.
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned just before the purple tentacle grabbed him. It hit him on the deck repeatedly.
"I guess we should rescue him," The Baroness sighed as the Cobras watched their leader get beaten up.
"Must we?" Destro rolled his eyes.
(*) Read the fic Cobra Commander Gets A Pet for the details.