Yes… another chapter for this fic #SmileProudly
I got a very constructive review for last chapter and I take it dear to my heart, I really appreciate it I take the challenge and write another chapter. Good or bad is yours to decide. I just create and serve #Grinning
But, I need to explain a thing. I don't intend this fic as Katniss and Gale, just Katniss actually. The way she manage the loss of her friendship with Gale. Because that is the very base of this story, I want to write how she feel being betrayed by how Gale never try to, I don't know, reconcile with her? And I changed the summary for this fic sometime ago, it actually like below for the beginning.
I have two extraordinary men in my life, Peeta Mellark and Gale Hawthorne.
I choose Peeta as a husband that I love unconditionally for a reason, the best one. He is all I need to make peace with myself, with everyone, with everything.
As for Gale, I have also had a reason. A reason to ever call him my hunting partner, my best friend. But, may I be at peace with him? With us?
And I'm a hardcore Peeta's girl fans, so… I write a lot of good things about him here. So… I'm so very sorry for Gale's fans who mistaken my fic. I mean no offense at all. I like Gale too, a lot! But, fortunately I just happen to love Peeta. A lot.
Please understand #SmiledApologetically
So… that is that. Shall we enjoy the chapter now?
It's almost midnight, but I can't close my eyes yet. Peeta is sleeping soundly beside me, his left arm spread under my head, embraces me in his sleep. Willow is lying flat on Peeta's stomach with her palms flat on his chest. Rise and fall gently due Peeta's and her own breath.
Seeing the two of them make me feel warmer, but for the first time fails to ease and succumb me to deep sleep. My conversation with Gale still occupies my mind.
Peeta didn't ask about it, he didn't even seem has a need to talk about it. He threats our conversation as a personal matter between me and Gale. Not because he doesn't care or curious, I bet he did. He just didn't want to interfere, he trusts me completely. He waits for me to tell him, when I'm ready.
This thought brings me to tears again. How the way he behaves about it, showing how much he loves me. Something that I don't deserve. I realize that I never show him how much I love him. Words can't ever describe it and I don't have ability to do what he did. To make him feel my love just by doing or not doing something.
What if someday he tired of all of this and decides to leave me? What can I do to keep him by my side? To assure him that I love him so much it's almost impossible?
I am sure about one thing though, I don't need Gale to make him doubts me. I don't have anything to do with Gale, not anymore and I have already made it clear to Gale this evening.
I can't deny that a tiny part inside me wanted things to become better with Gale, not as a lover, best friend or even hunting partner. As an acquaintance is more than enough. I need to convince myself that I hold no grudge toward him, toward anyone in particular.
I'm tired of hatred, wrath and sorrow. I got enough of that as a child, as a teenager, as an adult, as a daughter, as a sister and I don't need any of it as a parent. I want to raise my child in love, warmth and happiness.
I want to give Willow everything that I never have as a child. I want her to become Peeta, a nice person with a smile that always appears over her beautiful lips. I want her to have a long lovely childhood as long as possible. I don't want her to be mature before the time. Like me, like Prim…
My tears are streaming down uncontrollable now; I need to have some air before any terrible sobs and hiccups waking Peeta or Willow up. I sure cry a lot lately. Cry, think and scare a lot.
I walk tiptoe quietly to the kitchen for a cup of tea to warm myself, before take a seat on the front pouch. But to my surprise, my mother sits on the stool in front of the counter. I wipe my tears away briskly.
"You want a cup of tea, Katniss?"
"Sure, thanks mom," I take a seat in front of her. "Why aren't you sleeping yet?"
"I have some medical document to review and since I didn't work today, I don't feel tired at all. Are you hungry?"
"No, I'm fine."
My mother hands me over a cup of tea, then place a plate of butter cookies and tissue case on the counter. Smiles, before takes her seat and reach for a pile of paper between us.
"You don't have to tell me," My mother looks up from the paper." I lost my privilege as a mother to you a long time ago, so I won't ask either. But, I'm all ears every time you want to talk, okay?"
"Is Peeta and Willow sleeping tightly?"
"Yes. They were tired over the trip."
"I'm really sorry that my home is so small, I just don't feel comfortable with too much space to live alone."
"It's okay, mom. It does kind of remind me of our home in the seam," I study her. "How are you, mom?"
"I'm fine. I'm sure you too, right? With Peeta, Willow and Haymitch around you."
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Good," My mother smiles.
I take a sip from my cup. "Are you sure you are okay? Because just like you said, I have people around me."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Annie, Noah and Gale help me to cope everything up."
"Gale?!" I scowl. "So you did meet him at regular basis. Why aren't you told me about it?!"
"Will you happy if I tell you? Will it please and ease you?"
"Then I did the right thing." My mother smile sadly. "I know I have no right to say this to you, but after all both of you've been through you can't just cast him away. Just as all of us, he also is trying to mend everything. Give him the chance."
"He is the one who walk away." I try to ignore the hint of sadness in my voice by sipping my tea again.
My mother hold my gaze as she's about to say something but though better of it and avert her eyes back to the papers.
"Did it mean you already forgive and forget? Did you fine with it? With everything?"
"No, Katniss," My mother looks at me sadly. "I'm not. I can still remember all of it clearly, but I won't succumb to any sorrow or hatred ever again. I'm not strong; I have no power over what happened and no power to erase any of it. So does Gale, you know. So does all of us. Desperate to move on."
I say nothing. No matter how bad I want to deny it, it is the truth. We all want to move on desperately. But at least my mother calls us, on occasion. Not often but still, she try to reach me, that's why I now she care. Not so much for Gale, though. I never heard a thing from him and yes it is upset me.
"And I guess that is why I leave twelve. I just want to put it all behind and for that I beg your forgiveness, Katniss."
"No, mom. Forget that I ever ask. I understand. There is nothing left for you there."
"I want to be close to you so much, Katniss. But I won't be useful in twelve for you. I don't want to be your burden any longer, you passed through so much. So much more than me. You don't need any more useless burden all the way."
"Mom, please stop!" I start crying again. "I never thought of you as a burden, I was so young and naïve, I judged and pushed you away over something I didn't understand yet. I'm so sorry."
My mother walks around the counter and embraces me, sobbing. "No, don't apologize, peanut. If not because of me, you won't have to grow too fast. I erased your childhood over my own selfishness. I even make you lose Prim over my own stupidity."
I break the embrace, looking at her shocked.
"She came to me when Coin picked her; she looked so happy and proud of herself. I wanted to say no, but I really can't deny her that happiness, that opportunity. I sent her away to the war. Just like I sent you to the dangerous woods, to that horrible games and horrible war," My mother trembles. "I killed my own daughter. I'm the worst mother ever!"
I take my mother's hand in mine, squeezes it. "You didn't kill her mum, I did. I can't save her, I can't do my job to protect her and it's because of me Coin picked her up. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry"
We embrace each other tightly, sobbing even harder for the longest time.
This is the end and hope you enjoy it. See you around, Gorgeous #SmileBrightly