Riiiiigghht. I wrote the bulk of this in the wee hours of the morning so please pardon my weird humour.
I intend to make this a chapter-ed fic with GoM members meeting with their respective boyfriends' parents. I'm willing to do multiple pairings for one character but thats just a plan for now.
Kazumi-chan here is a far cry from CUTE is a 4-letter word, simply because.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the rest of Takao's family other than him. I can only drink latte and dream while on coffee high.
Warning(s): Crack, language, MidoTaka, boy's love, Takao's parents, sanity-corroding content...add more if you deem fit.
Should not go.
Should not go.
Should not go.
…damn, that was the last petal.
Midorima Shintarou just scowled harder at the poor, now petal-less daisy that had been his lucky item for the day. As it lay there in the bin, mocking him in all it's bald glory, he thought back to the dire situation at hand. No, it was not Akashi calling him up to tell him his new ambition was combining basketball with ballet to form some new kind of fusion art form.
The mere imagery sends the greenhead shivering. However, there is something far worse than even this.
Ok, so first off, some explanation. He and Takao Kazunari had been dating for two months with the complete approval ("WHAT!? THERE IS NO WAY I WILL ALLOW THIS!"– Miyaji) of the senpai-tachi and generally the entire basketball club. Dating had been all purple unicorns (because purple unicorns are very lucky, says Oha Asa's website), rainbows and flowers…until that fateful day.
"Shin-chan, my parents want to meet you!"
Then, the rainbow faded, the purple unicorns turned into an unlucky shade of sky blue, and the flowers withered so bad he had to throw them away.
In any case, that was how he ended up on the doorstep of the Takao household with his too-relaxed boyfriend in tow, and his lucky item in hand. The item of honour for today is the Shiragaki holding a basketball from the day of Shutoku's match against Seirin. It is bulky like crap and has the weight of an overweight toddler, but since meeting the family of your significant other requires everything that luck has to offer (hey the line rhymes)…it gets a VIP seat in his arms.
"Tadaima! Okaa-san, I brought Shin-chan with me today!"
Takao shouts, completely ignoring the consequences of the 101 ways that his family could take that nickname-calling wrongly. A woman just a little shorter than him comes out of the kitchen, her beautiful dark blue hair in a half-bun. A man with black hair as dark as coal stands behind her, his silvery-blue eyes sharp and unyielding.
A tiny girl tugs at Midorima's shirt, her large light green eyes staring into his. The woman clears her throat and speaks when all attention is on her.
"Ah, so you're the 'Shin-chan' Kazunari's been obsessed with since the start of the year."
"Mom! I'm not obsessed…"
"Um…yes. My name is Midorima Shintarou, Takao-sa-"
"…I am just unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him!"
Midorima wondered who to throttle for letting his easily-influenced boyfriend read sappy romance stories about sparkling vampires, and convince him that the quotes actually worked in practical situations. Takao kaa-san nodded solemnly at her son's words. Takao tou-san regarded Midorima with his evil eyes that did not exactly look evil but were called that because it sounded cool.
"Hm…irresponsibly in love with this person, I see…"
"…Dad, it's 'irrevocably'."
"Do not try to outsmart me, young man."
And by that, the shooting guard concluded that Takao's father was a very smart man…once upon a time at the least. They move to the living room where everyone has a seat and Midorima prepares himself for doomsday.
"Hm…is that a Shiragaki you're holding?"
Oh god oh god why target the lucky item first the lucky item is innocent why just why did they have to see the lucky item she could have just ignored it and asked something simpler like why some humans are bisexual and others are not or something like that-
Crap, answering that was harder than he thought.
Takao kaa-san seems to sense his inner turmoil about the porcelain animal and stops asking about it. She changes the topic.
"So, Kazunari. You are dating Shintarou-kun now?"
"You do realise that you have to take this seriously?"
"And you also realise that you are robbing the female population of an eligible, charming and handsome bachelor?"
Somehow, Midorima got the feeling Takao kaa-san was missing a very important point.
Takao tou-san stood up about five minutes later when his wife was done with her brand of making sure her son was making the right life decisions ("Ah, they grow up so fast. It only seemed like yesterday you ran naked around the house in front of our rela-" "Mom, please stop. Just stop.") and focused his evil-but-not-actually-evil eyes on Midorima. He then raised a hand with 3 fingers up, because it looked awesome.
"I will ask three questions. And I shall decide whether or not to approve of your relationship depending on your answers. Are you ready, Shiruko?"
"His name is Shintarou, Dad."
"Don't try to outsmart me, son."
The greenhead tried to convince himself that it would be ok. All with a success rate of negative hundred and ten percent.
"I am ready, Takao-san."
The two men stood opposite each other, the wind ruffling their hair and their clothes dramatically, as battle music started playing in the background.
"Question one. Do you agree that Kazunari is the cutest, most adorable, most lovely being that you have ever set your insignificant and ugly eyes on?"
"Yes, I agree."
Midorima dodged the 'Poison Darts of Insult'. Attack status: Missed.
Alright, he could do this. Now, to ace the next question.
Takao tou-san then adopted the blank and mysterious expression that all final bosses in samurai movies have before they get down to the epic battle at the end where they always get defeated by the protagonist simply because the director wanted it so.
"Question two. Do you believe in being awesome?"
"Um…yes I suppose, if the situation calls for it."
Midorima got hit by the 'Spear of Nonsense'. Attack status: It was slightly effective.
To be honest, the bespectacled boy, for the life of him, could not think of what could possibly fall into Takao tou-san's category of awesome. He also, could not think of a reason why the man would even ask him such a question.
"Question three. Scrambled eggs or boiled eggs?"
Midorima got hit by 'Sanity-draining Arrows'. Attack status: It was super effective.
The man continues staring at Midorima while he stares back, and for 5 seconds neither moves, the wind tousling their hair and the battle music reaching its climax. All is silent when Takao-imouto returns the fan to its normal setting and Takao kaa-san turns off the stereo.
Takao tou-san then brings up his hand in a gesture, nodding in approval.
"I approve of you dating Kazunari."
"Dad, that's your middle finger."
"Don't try to mock me, Kazunari. I know what I'm doing."
As the taller boy watched his boyfriend's father not-so-subtly change to his thumb only under the glare of his wife, he got the sinking feeling that Takao tou-san either had a problem with finger-brain coordination or he really hated him. There was a high chance it was the latter. Takao kaa-san shook her head and moved to pinch her husband's cheek.
"You asked Shintarou-kun the third question only because you couldn't decide yourself, am I right?"
"Owowowow…well yeah, I lost two nights of sleep over it!"
"The first question was barely alright, and even an idiot can tell the other two were bullshit. I am so disappointed in you, Kazuki…"
Midorima felt so overjoyed to know that at least Takao kaa-san was sane (and that Takao-imouto already had her earplugs on)…
"…you should have asked him if I should use ripe or unripe bananas in that new recipe! I lost FOUR nights of sleep over that!"
…or not. The jersey number 6 was wondering if he should pity and sympathise with the woman about her bout of insomnia, or just find the nearest available wall to help himself deal with the lack of common sense within the room. Takao Kazunari cleared his throat loudly so that everyone looked at him.
And because he had no active role in the past two pages except to be dissed by his father for his completely reasonable inserts, the jersey number 10 had to make an extra dramatic comeback by clearing his throat with all the power his vocal cords could offer.
"Mom, Dad. How about you two put aside your erm…discussion about eggs and bananas and have a nice talk about my relationship?"
Midorima wonders if anyone else heard the contradiction, and a second meaning in the above statement.
"Shintarou-kun, could you come here for a moment?"
She looked to the right, then to the left, and beckoned him to bend down to her level.
"Before my husband gets back, I think I need to tell you that he has a son complex, not a daughter complex."
Among all the things he has heard so far, Midorima finds this one the easiest to believe. Takao-imouto sits there doing her homework while looking like pretty doll, and he pities her (sort of) for not having an overprotective father to keep her away from the hands of bad boys when she gets older.
They return to discussing when Takao tou-san comes back from the kitchen with a knife holder full of knives ("WTH KNIVES?!" – Inner Midorima) and a knife sharpener. He pulls out a random one and starts sharpening. Takao sweatdrops and unconsciously scoots closer to his partner. Of course this does not go unnoticed by his father's evil-but-not-evil eyes.
"Oh right I forgot, we have yet to introduce ourselves. I am Kazuki, this is my wife Ayaka, and this is my daughter Kazumi."
"DIDN'T YOU REALISE THIS TOO LATE AND DON'T SAY THAT WHILE SMILING AND SHARPENING A KNIFE AT THE SAME TIME!"…were the thoughts of both Takao (the son) and Midorima. The man continued speaking as he scrutinized the blade.
"To tell the truth, no one will ever be good enough for my son. But since he has fallen for you, I shall have no choice…"
He points the tip of the knife just a centimeter from the shooting guard's nose.
"…but to get serious in my mission to get rid of yo- I mean, get rid of your doubts surrounding my beloved firstborn."
Midorima is pretty sure Takao tou-san said he wanted to get rid of him. He has no time to think about it as the first bomb comes flying.
"Alright, which one of you is the bottom?"
The two Shutoku freshmen give each other questioning looks (because come on was it so hard to guess?) before they turn back and Takao points to himself with a raised eyebrow.
"I am, tou-san."
And instead of yelling or fainting in shock at his only son willingly stripping himself of his manly dignity to take on the woman's role like any normal father would, Takao tou-san goes misty-eyed and wipes away a tear.
"My son…you have grown up…"
The greenhead wonders if he should do his boyfriend a favor and book his father in for a checkup at the most well-known mental asylum in the area. The point guard will definitely be thankful to him for it. Midorima's wonderful thoughts are interrupted when Takao tou-san clears his throat after wiping away his manly tears.
"Ok, so I ask that you promise to protect, cherish and love my adorable and cute son always. Can you do that, Midorima Shintarou-kun?"
So Takao tou-san could actually be serious if he wanted to. Of course, the bespectacled teen replies with a serious nod and agreement of his own. Takao just blushes ("The two adjectives in the middle were completely unnecessary!") and sits silently. Takao kaa-san smiles in both happiness and relief that her husband did not screw it up this time like he did with the other ten before.
The man drinks from his cup of water, and suddenly he gets such a great idea that he forgets he is holding a dangerous weapon in his dominant hand as it shoots up to point at the ceiling like in cartoons. The ones where the main characters get the idea light bulb above their heads and need a finger to switch it off.
The knife slices a few strands of Midorima's hair clean off and embeds itself into the wall just millimeters shy of his ear.
"Hey, why don't I tell you boys about my past relationships?"
Takao had a feeling this wasn't a very good idea. His father seemed to however, and proceeded to take a swig out of his glass of water as if it was a cup of beer.
"Your old man was pretty popular back when he was younger. I was still in the experimenting stage so I did not limit myself. Ah, I still remember the first guy I dated, he was so charming and such a playboy. The second guy was rough, didn't like him very much. The third gu-"
Takao tou-san did not get to finish, for he did get a large bump on his head courtesy of his missus.
"DON'T TALK ABOUT PAST LOVERS IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE YA JERK!"
And she did proceed to attack every available part of her husband's head with the help of Sir Rolling Pin. While this was going on the two youths sat side by side, unmoving at the sight unfolding in front of them. Takao tou-san still found the strength to smile even with the physical abuse.
"I LOVE YOU TOO MY DARLING~!"
Thus Takao Kazunari and his boyfriend ("…I didn't know your dad is a masochist." "Neither did I.") remained perfect imitations of stone statues until the couple calmed down and they were once more seated with his father holding some ice to his bruising face.
"Shintarou-kun. I would like you to be honest and tell me how far you have gone with Kazunari in terms of physical contact."
Midorima looked to his partner for reassurance before clearing his throat and pushing up his glasses.
"We have held hands and…kissed."
The look in Takao tou-san's eyes was that of shock and betrayal. Wait, betrayal?! The man sniffed and started bawling loudly.
"*sobs* How could you do this to my precious son?! You have violated him!"
Suddenly, the greenhead felt very guilty.
"I mean…that's MY job! I was supposed to be the one to-"
And just as suddenly, that feeling of guilt transformed into the indescribable urge to grab the nearest object and aim it at the man's head. Fortunately and unfortunately, the rest of the Takaos beat him to it. Takao tou-san fell to the floor after four items hit him in the head at the same time. Midorima saw Sir Rolling Pin, Major Empty Knife Holder ("WTF" – 6 and 10), Sergeant Basketball, and Lieutenant Naked Barbie on the floor next to him.
The tall teen then realized how lucky little Kazumi-chan was for her father to be overprotective of his son instead.
"DAD, HOW COULD YOU EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!"
"You horrible man how could you even think about doing such a thing to your own son?!"
"Don't bully nii-san!"
And everyone had to pause for a moment because the little girl was just too cute with her pout and puffed up cheeks. The commotion only died down after Takao tou-san promised not to pull anymore of his son-complex things.
"Ok, so you're telling me that a kiss is the furthest the both of you have gone?"
"Hm? Of course not! We've made out."
Midorima wondered what he had done in his past life for the person he loved to send him to his death like that. He steeled himself for another round of knife-dodging until he heard the man bawling again.
"I am too young to be a grandfather!"
"And I a grandmother!"
The two students decided it was an opportune time to sneak into the kitchen for some refreshments while the two adults were bawling their eyes out for a scenario that was not even remotely possible. They camped in there for as long as possible and only headed back when they finished their drinks and were prepared for another round of common sense draining to take place.
"…and dammit I already said bunnies are so much cuter than those disgusting slobbering creatures you call dogs, Ayaka!"
"Bunnies do nothing but eat and poop all day! Dogs are much better because…"
How in the name of shiruko did they get from the topic of Takao's innocence to…? Even the boy in question shrugged while smiling nervously at his family's antics. Both their phones suddenly sounded with the message tone. Both moved to the hallway and and opened them up to find identical messages from Ootsubo-san telling them of new changes to the practice schedule for the rest of the week.
Shrugging, Midorima went back to the living room while the other went to the toilet.
"…no no no! Purple would look horrible on him, it clashes with his eyes!"
"Which is why I said orange would be the best colour for his wedding gown! Not only is it bright, it signifies…"
He thoroughly regretted it.
I met Kazunari's parents today. Our meeting, to be honest, was very detrimental to my mental health. I now thank every deity up there for bringing me together with him. I deeply regret even thinking he had a screw loose, and I sincerely hope the deities can forgive me. He is in fact the sanest in his family, and I hope it stays that way.
I blame this all on my headcanon.
My decision to either mark this as a complete oneshot or continue with other pairings is heavily dependent on the response to this^^ So if you have enjoyed it, do review! Or favourite it. Can't do you much harm, can it?
Posted: 18/02/2013 (dd/mm/yyyy)