Sooo…I managed to finish up this one pretty quick. I mean, KagaKuro is so fun to write.
Also, this chapter was inspired by Frog-kun's chapter 1 of The Legend of Kuroman, so there might be some similarities, but as far as possible I tried making it different. So please, don't flame! T.T
Disclaimer: I only own volumes 1 and 2 of the KnB anime fanbooks which I'm holding right now.
Warning(s): Crack, language, KagaKuro, boy's love, Kuroko's parents, sanity corroding content…add more if you deem fit.
Kagami Taiga is a very proud and headstrong person.
Because he is a Leo and the symbol of Leos is a lion which can boss even Cancers around ("Oi! It was only for that one day, nanodayo!" – Midorima) and thus he is automatically headstrong. That and his parents too thought he was so awesome that they had to name him 'Fire God Big Me' just so everyone else could also see how awesome he was.
Right. So what was such a proud basketball player doing at the corner of the classroom rocking back and forth like after the time Kuroko had put Nigou on his head?
Oh yes. Kuroko Tetsuya. His boyfriend whom he never noticed at first glance.
"Kagami-kun. My parents want to meet you."
Well, that was to be expected. They had been dating for quite a while already. It was what he said next that sent the redhead into a mental seizure.
"They also told me to tell you to prepare yourself for a thorough evaluation."
So doomed. He was so doomed.
In fact, poor Fire God (Its KAGAMI dammit! – Kagami) got so stressed over it that on the day itself he actually called Midorima up and asked what his horoscope ranking was and what lucky item he needed. Then, being the sympathetic tsundere that he was, the Shutoku number 6 told him his ranking was last, his lucky item was a condom and to shut the hell up before putting down the phone.
Damn, so he was still mad about the 'Call Me Maybe' moment back in episode 10.
Well that aside, he was already completely wiped out by the time Kuroko asked him if he was ready to go. Look, he didn't know that it was so improper for a person of his age to buy condoms off the top shelf of the counter right before he went to school! His classmates did it all the time back in America. The lady behind the counter even offered to refer him to a sex addiction counseling hotline. WHAT WAS THE WORLD COMING TO DAMMIT.
Well in any case, he managed to get one. Vanilla-flavoured. Oh goodness just WHY did it have to be vanilla-flavoured?
Kuroko tried convincing himself that his boyfriend was still in perfect mental condition when Kagami kept staring at the condom he kept turning about in his hands and muttering something about vanilla, safe sex, and stupid carrots.
"Are you alright? Kagami-kun."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Meeting your parents, that's what."
"…is it a problem with me?"
Red eyes stared into blank blue.
"Of course not…but I suppose you are a little too emotionless sometimes."
"I see. In that case I shall try to express my feelings more."
They soon arrived at his house, he had to call Kagami five times before he turned around and backtracked. Nothing more was discussed about the topic.
The Seirin number 10 was going to be honest. He did not notice the house there at all. It was just so…unnoticeable. The plate bearing the Kuroko name looked as if it only showed itself if one was looking for it – hard. Even as they entered the gate, there was practically nothing differentiating it from the unoccupied house next to it. How creepy. The only indication that there was someone living in there was the presence of the family name plate.
"Tadaima. I brought Kagami-kun."
There was no reply, and the teal-haired boy motioned for the other to take off his shoes just like he did before making their way to the living room.
"Ah, welcome home, Tetsuya."
Kagami jumped about two feet in the air as he whipped around to find Kuroko tou-san standing behind him.
"So how was school today?"
This time, he nearly hit the ceiling when he saw Kuroko kaa-san magically appearing behind Kuroko. Then again…perhaps he shouldn't be surprised. The boy seemed to pull his 'disappearing act' at least once every hour during school hours and at least once every minute during practice. He HAD to have gotten that from somewhere.
The Kuroko family was actually very normal. Kuroko kaa-san had teal hair with stunning violet eyes and a gentle smile. Kuroko tou-san too had teal hair, but his eyes were a bright orange and he was rather well-built. Both seemed to care for their son a lot by the way they bombarded him with questions about his day and just kept ruffling his hair.
It was so nice observing the family bonding with each other.
But there was one teeny tiny problem.
"Ano I don't mean to interrupt your bonding time but uh…Good day to you, Kuroko-san and Kuroko-san."
The couple did turn to stare at him, and stare they did. Kagami was starting to wonder if he had done something horribly offending until they both spoke.
"Um…who might you be?"
"I'm sorry, we didn't see you there."
Riiiight. He took back what he said about them being normal. It wasn't as if Kuroko did not announce his presence he actually said his name when they entered the door so how in the world could they miss his awesome frame muscular frame of 190cm going through their doorway?! Now they even claimed not to see him when he was standing RIGHT BESIDE their son the entire time! If anything it should be Kuroko who was missed!
Wait…so this was what the smaller boy went through every single day. The redhead immediately sympathized with Kuroko and vowed to treat him better next time.
"I am Kagami Taiga. Ku-Tetsuya's boyfriend…desu."
"I. Am. Happy."
Said Kuroko. With his blank face. The couple nodded and Kuroko kaa-san burst into tears as she dabbed at her eyes dramatically with a white hankerchief.
"Oh my gosh Tetsuya I always knew you were destined to be a bottom!"
…was this woman mental or something?
"Mm. I see you have found someone to top you, Tetsuya. Good work."
…the Kurokos needed to be admitted into the mental asylum. Fast. Maybe he should call Midorima and ask him or something. His old man's a doctor isn't he? Argh why was he even thinking about Midorima all the time he was loyal and faithful to Kuroko only!
The man nodded.
"So, Tetsuya, how do you feel about this?"
"I. Am. Elated."
Said Kuroko. With his blank face.
His wife smiled as she sighed dreamily.
"Ah, how nice it is to be young. I still remember the days I aspired to be a model…but alas. It was not to be. The photographers didn't approach me even when I slipped onto the sets."
"THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T NOTICE YOU!"...was what Kagami wanted to say. But being the polite and well-mannered boy he was and is, he decided to keep quiet and look like he really sympathized with the sorry plight of his boyfriend's mother.
"And Kagami-kun…is that a…condom you're holding?"
Crap, why of all people did it have to be Kuroko tou-san who saw it first?!
"W-Wait this is not what it looks like! I can expl-"
"That will not be necessary. I just ask that you keep the noise level down."
"Yes, and remember to always use protection!"
Said Kuroko kaa-san, as she deposited a twelve piece-pack of the contraceptive into his lap and gave him a thumbs up and a proud nod. Kuroko tou-san even faked wiping a tear from his eye.
The Seirin center just wondered if it was even legal for parents to encourage their children to engage in this kind of behaviour.
They ended up sitting around the living room like all parents do when they meet the one their child has supposedly fallen in love with. Kuroko kaa-san was still gushing over how her son had 'finally grown up' while Kuroko tou-san took out a photo album from the drawer and handed it to the redhead.
"This, is the compilation of our family photos."
Kagami flipped through the book. All he saw was scenery, scenery and more scenery.
"I'm afraid I don't get your drift, Kuroko-sa-"
He paused. Then he looked through the album again. Teal, teal, teal and more teal. Blank blue eyes, blank violet eyes, blank brown eyes, and more blank blue eyes.
Were the Kurokos inbreeding with each other or something?! They all looked basically alike! They should seriously make their family crest using that blank stare or something.
"I. Am. Bored."
Said Kuroko. With his blank face.
"Is something the matter, Kagami-kun?"
"No…everything is fine, Kuroko-san."
Yeah, everything BUT fine.
"Tetsuya is such a nice boy isn't he, Hotaru? I mean, I have never quite met another boy as polite as him."
"Of course. He is always so polite and helpful, his report card always says he is quiet and respectful, I'm so proud of him!"
Kagami wondered how Kuroko's report card could say things like that considering the teachers forgot him on a daily basis and their form teacher even went "I had this student in my class?" when he was collecting forms for an excursion. There was even a rumour about ghosts doing clean-up duty on the days Kuroko was supposed to do it. Their class was also constantly 'short of one person' when it came to team games.
And once more, there was absolutely no problem with their conversation except…
"Um excuse me…"
…they seemed to have forgotten completely about him.
The two Kurokos jumped and stared at him. Kuroko kaa-san looked absolutely surprised.
"Oh my, Kagami-kun! I'm sorry, I didn't notice you there!"
…yeah, I figured as much.
"Boy, you should really make your presence more obvious. I seriously missed you there!"
…right. And how am I supposed to do that? Teach pigs how to fly?
"Oh come to think of it, we haven't introduced ourselves yet! I'm Hayato and this is Hotaru. Dear me, it must have slipped our minds!"
"I. Am. Feeling. Ridiculous."
Said Kuroko. With his blank face.
Kagami was starting to think Kuroko's family could give a brand new definition to the phrase 'mentally unstable' (because seriously, who forgets to introduce themselves to a complete stranger?) in the dictionary. Maybe he should just do them a favor and send their pictures to the dictionary publishing companies or something.
Kuroko Hayato had twinkling bright orange orbs for eyes and Kuroko Hotaru had beautiful violet ones for hers, while Kuroko Tetsuya had plain blue ones for his. Almost as if someone had splashed water on him, the redhead blurted out his question.
"Um…Kuroko-san, if you have orange eyes and your wife has violet eyes…how did your son Ku- Tetsuya get…blue eyes?"
The couple blinked simultaneously.
"I had a husband?"
"I had a wife?"
"They were my parents?"
The first year center was quite ready to pack his bags and move to another planet. Like maybe Mars . It sure sounded like a good choice. If he went there he could blend in with his awesome hair. Kagami continues making plans for his voyage even as he finds wedding pictures in the album and shows it to them like it would help them regain some of their sanity.
"…oh. So we are married. I didn't notice."
"No wonder that purple dress was in my wardrobe! It was my wedding dress!"
He then turns to Kuroko (Tetsuya).
"Were you serious when you said you didn't know they were your parents?"
"Hai. They are actually my aunt and uncle."
"…wait. Does this man I'm going to have to come AGAIN, just to meet your real parents?!"
The redhead feels his world breaking apart, complete with the apocalyptic universe where basketball did not exist and where there were no cheeseburgers. He snaps.
"Then why the hell did you not tell me earlier?! And don't give me that pokerface, I don't know what your feeling, dammit!"
"I'm sorry, I forgot. And Kagami-kun…"
Kuroko stares into Kagami's soul.
"I. Am. Feeling. Proud. That. You. Survived."
Said Kuroko. With his blank face.
"DON'T SAY THAT WHEN I HAVE YET TO MEET YOUR PARENTS!"
The shorter boy looks up at his agitated boyfriend.
"Actually, you have. Those really were my parents. I was merely joking."
Said boyfriend turned an unhealthy pale shade that would have looked fine on Kuroko and only Kuroko. He sighed and slid his hands over his face.
"…geez. Don't joke about things like that."
And thus they enjoyed some lovey-dovey hugging time until Kuroko kaa-san called out for Kuroko from the kitchen. The freshman couple entered the kitchen where there was already quite a few things cooking. Kagami wondered at how one woman could handle so many things at once without the need to call for the fire brigade.
"Ah Tetsuya, do you think you could help me get the jar on top of that shelf?"
"…mom. I am no taller than you and the dad broke the ladder while trying to catch birds the other day."
Kagami did not want to know how he used that ladder.
"Oh my…this is a big problem…"
So the woman's eyes travelled over the stove, the table, Kagami, the fridge, the sink, then back to the fridge, Kagami, the table, and the stove. She sighed and leaned against the counter.
"…what should I do?! I really need what's in there!"
And for the third time in the same day, Kagami Taiga tried to make his presence known. So this is how living as a Kuroko would be like.
"…Kuroko-san. I believe I can reach that shelf where the jar you need is?"
The woman jumped and nearly tripped over a rug.
"Oh my…Kagami-kun?! Where did you come from?!"
Patience, patience, Taiga. You need to last the rest of the day if you are to gain their approval to date Kuroko! You must be the very best boyfriend like no one ever was! The boy even nodded to himself and started humming the related pokemon theme song to get himself motivated.
Just then Kuroko tou-san entered the kitchen.
"Are? Has Kagami-kun already left? I don't see him anywhere."
"Maybe he has, dear. Oh but I do wish he could have told us before he went, that sweet boy."
The couple was saying that. All while standing right across from him.
His patience meter was already in the danger zone and it was barely late afternoon.
Kuroko brought me to meet his parents today. While I am vaguely amused by their attempt to treat me as one of their own, I get the feeling it is not on purpose. I am very thankful for having met Kuroko and being his boyfriend, and as such I ask the deities above to grant me adequate patience and tolerance to deal with my future in-laws. It would be greatly appreciated.
PS I'm going to kill that bastard Midorima. Leo's lucky item for the day is not a friggin condom dammit!
I'll be honest and admit this idea stemmed completely from my inner desire to see Kuroko pull Misdirection Overflow on Kagami. The idea was simply too good to pass up.
So um…leave a review to tell me what you think?
Next up: AkaKuro! (maybe)
Posted: 21/02/2013 (dd/mm/yyyy)