Paris, 12th June 1794
As I write with this reddish-purple feather a letter for you, Otoya, tears flow from my eyes reaching this sheet.
I believe this is the better solution I have, since you're far away now...Writing has always helped me releasing my suppressed emotions. Especially those trapped in my heart since the last time I saw you.
You and me have always had different outlooks, even in politics. I was from the right wing, you the left. Despite being nobles, I was always by the bourgeoisie's side, the Girondist's, while you were in the jacobin's right wing. You joined the people in this revolution, believing in more equality, freedom, justice, fraternity among all the estates. We had some big quarrels because of that, do you remember?
You always defended your points of view in such a passionate way...that was one of the things that draw me closer to you. You were the noblest among the whole nobility. You even said you'd die to defend your cause...But you were so stupid! Because of that look where you are now.
As much as I offend you mentally, I could never hate you. It's because I love you so profoundly I carry on calling you hideous names. If you ever heard them...you'd be surprised since I'm usually so calm and collected.
With you was different though, you were the only one to who I turned up the other side of me. You were the only one who deserved to see it, only you. If the opposition or my comrades ever saw me behaving such as when we were alone, they'd call me puny.
As much as my heart is shattering itself we'd never be able to be together. We were rivals and men, the society would by no means exonerate us for this, if they ever found out would slay us both, calling us fiends.
In a matter of one or two years you'd marry a beautiful woman and have children with her, giblets I'd wish would be ours. I itched we'd be able to build a family...though that's nonsense. Two men, having babies?!
Such a cockeyed idea, so cockeyed I'd like to make it tangible. Countless were the times we imagined this. Countless were the times I smoked opium only to sedate this grievance but you are always in my musing. Countless were the times I tried to terminate this crude reality and flock you but I can't. I still have a duty to carry out, after that, I swear I will join you, Otoya. There's nothingness apart from this revolution that makes me want to live.
As much men I slept with, as much as I tried to seek your body in them I can't. I miss running my hands through your strong hips, holding them as we run out of breath in our sleepless nights. Touching your face as our tongues flavour the sweetness of love. Breathing against your gummy skin. Seeing you beneath me, bare, helpless. Your hands pushing my hair, ripping it off just like you did with my soul. Hearing you calling my name as I thurst into your unfathomable underground. Feeling your sweat dripping on my body as we drop off from bliss. I long for it so much... No one could ever give me what you did, only you can fill my heart. You, nobody else.
Can you believe it? So many things happened since 1789 until now. How many things changed in five years... Who would have thought our king would be dead by now?
One image, the last, glimpsed in my mind. My tears, like a river, overflow the margins of this innocent sheet as I recall you and yours, among them Danton, on the gallows, executed by the moderate Jacobins led by Robespierre and Saint-Just. Though you and I were different, we always trusted we could reach our purposes through debate, like real men do, not using the butchers language: unjustified violence.
I remember it so well… our last night… you acted so strangely as if you knew what was going to happen. Each time you kissed me, fervently like it was the last, the way you held me… as if you were saying goodbye.
You knew they would kill you didn't you? What were you trying to do? Protect me?! From what? The pain?! You were the one who needed it, bastard! If I knew it, I would arrange a solution but being your stubborn and determined self you wouldn't accept it.
I heard from someone that on the next day you tried to argue with Robespierre, trying to show him reason but were arrested immediately being taken to the place de la révolution. Congratulations! You did it, you died for your cause! Are you happy now?!
The very last time I saw you… I was casually passing by the place de la revolucion when I heard people shouting, feasting, which meant someone was being executed. Glancing in the guillotine's direction I noticed Danton was already dead. You were the last one, heading to your downfall, guided by an executioner.
Seeing you on that accursed gallows awakened my instincts, I sprint towards you, pushing, yanking, jostling the masses surrounding me.
Despondent, I managed to reach the front line of the people who were contently watching this necrosis gig, I shouted your name among the crowd's deaf uproar, tried to do something but then I twig you were peering at me, seeking comfort in my eyes.
It all happened so expeditiously…You lips formed the words "Ne m'oubliez pas, mon amour." just before the sharp razor blade plummeted, cutting off your head. My eyes were on you, I couldn't move, my feet were cemented to the ground however I felt I was going to fall at any instant. I felt hysterically, desperately weak. Why wasn't I able to do anything to stop this insanity?! Why didn't you let me know about this?! Why did you had to die God damn it!
Standing for several hours, I noticed no one was there, only the two of us. The others were gone, the show was over. The bodies of the ones who died on that day stood there, someone would take them away by the next day.
Climbing the gallows, I sit by your side, looking at your relaxed body, crying mournful tears of love. Holding your hand I kiss it sweetly promising myself I would finish what you started. I would fight for our revolution and stop the Jacobins, the ones that assassin you. The moderates since the Jacobin's right and left wing are almost finished by now.
I will establish, together with the remaining right-wing Jacobins a regime of equality, freedom, fraternity in a republic. You were right all along, the constitutional monarchy isn't going to take France anywhere, only a republic would do it. It's a shame I can only see it after your death…
You had the heart of a true noble, and by noble I don't mean having blue blood running through your veins but having the true guts to fight for what you believe, dying for your cause, for your country.
I will defend our beloved France, I'll finish this for us. Then I'll finally reach and repose in your arms. Maybe we are happier in another life. Maybe we won't need to hide ourselves from society. Maybe this is only the beginning.
Je t'aime, mon amour.
AN: I joined the real events with this story, it was hard BUT I did it xD