So, um…wow on Target. Just wow.
This is just a little tag for the episode. A little insight into how Kate Beckett might be seeing things. Fingers crossed for only good outcomes next week! (Also, how come Monday is so far away?)
Disclaimer: If I owned them they'd be on holiday in Paris instead of this alternative.
The Hardest Part
It's a rare and unusual moment that you've found yourself in. And you don't like it at all.
You are not the kind of person who doesn't offer reassurances. You offer them because you know, with everything that is a great big part of you, that you would never let another human being feel the way you felt when your mother was taken from you.
You offer reassurance because no one deserves to feel as alone as you once did. No person should have their hope taken from them for the purposes of department policy. So you offer them optimism and then you stand up and you deliver their reason for praying, their reason for waiting in a police precinct until four in the morning, their reason for having all that hope in the first place. You give them their loved ones back to them.
But when it comes to the man you love, the man who stands beside you day after day assuring you that you'll pull through whatever crisis may currently be dominating your soul, you can't offer the same reassurance.
The cost is too high.
The earth shattering reality is too terrifying.
It's not the thought of him never forgiving you that plays on your mind in a constant loop. No. It's the plaguing noise in the back of your head that tells you he will never forgive himself.
And you have seen what that can do to a person.
Images of your father passed out on the kitchen floor nag at you all day, images that you thought you had moved on from. Images of his tortured eyes, his ragged clothes, his unkempt hair float across your mind. The constant blame he placed on himself. The constant bottle in his hand.
As you slave over piles of evidence which lead nowhere, the flashing in your mind takes a new form. Your father's face morphs into Castle's and you see what could be if you fail, if you give him hope and then let it collapse all around him like a storm in the summer.
Seeing another person in your life reduced to that shell would be your undoing.
He's asked you to not promise anything. So you skirt around the topic, coffee in your hand ready and waiting for him. You tell him that you've had less to go on, you try to offer him something. Anything.
But as you brush a hand against his and watch him leave, words become your enemy. Because he's not really looking at you anymore. He's angry and upset and sad and everything but hopeful all at once.
Not one good thing can come from you building him up. So for once in your life you don't say that it's all going to be okay. You bite your tongue and turn the other way.
You become the person who doesn't offer reassurance.
You let him take that one thing from you, because you're not sure what else you can do.
You try to convey every inch of your support to him without any words, try to just know when to stay away and when to approach, the way he always does.
But in the end it feels like you've just fallen flat.
Don't usually do this, but it's my birthday (and I'll cry if I want to…sorry, habit) and a review is a beautiful gift :)
Also, follow me on twitter tadpole24_ and we can discuss Castle so much more.