Well, oops. It looks like I'm in trouble for posting a fic entirely centered around a script format. However, I'm working on a compromise, slowly...and re-writing all the chapters with more character involvement between the dialogue (which will be in bold + italics). Hope you guys can still enjoy it that way.

This is a work-in-progress, but I'm posting what I have so far to ensure that this is no longer against the rules. I've got five hours of homework ahead of me tonight, so this will become an ongoing project. :P


Merlin threw down the polishing brush in his hand in frustration, watching it idly as it bounced across the floor. Four hours of this was driving him to the edge of insanity. With a quick motion, he reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out his cell phone, typing hastily: Arthur.

Merlin. The prince's response came almost immediately.

I have a question.

I don't have an answer. Go back to cleaning my shoes.

Merlin ignored him, as he was accustomed to doing, and continued: Since we have these things now, does that mean we can solve all of our problems wirelessly? Start texting each other instead of actually talking? Start watching videos and playing apps rather than spending our free time with friends or training or reading?

Don't be ridiculous, Merlin, Arthur responded. There's no society that would be that utterly stupid. That's complete and total rubbish.

Arthr, I hav majk nd I cn c da futr. A smirk pulled the corners of Merlin's mouth upwards as he hit the send button, entirely expecting Arthur's response as it came not a moment later:

What? Merlin, speak in English. What even is that?

Oh, nothing. Just a little language I invented of my own. I call it text talk.

That's rubbish. It'll never catch on.

Morgana Pendragon rolled over in her bed as her phone began to buzz on the nightstand, breaking the early morning silence. Bleary-eyed and confused, she quickly picked it up to peer at the message from Merlin that was flashing across the screen.

Morgana. I need your help. Arthur is onion with me and he turfed on the auto crowfoot on my photo.

Confused, Morgana typed hastily, Excuse me? Merlin, are you all right?

Help me, Morpheme, it's awful. I can't torn it off.

She suddenly understood. Oh. The autocorrect feature? I'm sorry, Merlin. I can't help you with that. You might try asking around with some of the knights; one of them probably told Arthur about it. I'd doubt he's smart enough to figure it out on his own.

The enraged text she received only a second later from Arthur confirmed that this was indeed a group conversation.


Across the castle, Merlin swallowed hard. I think this is my glance to fun

*dance *pun


Still, no one responded. He tried again, frustrated:

Hey, Morbid?




b4 u ask, merlin, I didn't do it

Noticing a new text from Gwaine in the 'alerts' tab on his phone, Merlin hashed out a quick response, grinning smugly as he hit send.

ha! My txt speak has caught on! He said I was mad! MAD I TELL YOU

Gwaine responded almost immediately: sure.

Somewhat concerned, Merlin backtracked and read over his friend's last message. Didn't do what exactly?

... Never mind. how's autocorrect going?

oh, I've fixed it. I dropped the phone a few times. Works like a dream now.

Gwaine's reply was unenthusiastic. heh. Great.

Frowning, Merlin typed out, What? Why the sarcastic tone there, Gwaine?

I was going to send arthur flowers for making my day if it was still working.

I'm sure it'll happen again. As a matter of fact, something tells me that the next person to get it will be Morgana...

Really? y?

Merlin thought back to the morning's events, then replied simply, call it a hunch.

as long as we're on the subject...what's her number?

I think it would be in my best interests if I didn't tell you.

So, Merlin. Arthur set his phone down on the arm of the chair he was sitting in, trying not to look like he was texting under the table. Uther cast a quick glance his way, then turned back to finish his conversation with his ward.

As the phone vibrated in response, shaking the whole chair, Arthur gave such a violent jolt of surprise that both Uther and Morgana paused mid-sentence to look at him. Arthur held out his hands apologetically.

"Sorry. Sorry," he muttered. "My...ah...foot fell asleep."

Uther and Morgana slowly turned back to their conversation, and Arthur shielded the glowing screen of his phone under the table to read the message.

So, Arthur...(?)

Why haven't you been answering my messages? the prince fired back furiously.

Merlin's response was instantaneous. Honestly...I've been busy.

Arthur made a muffled choking noise. Busy?! Busy doing what?!

Don't hate me for this...but...teaching your father how to text.


It's okay! He hasn't learned very much yet!


Arthur nearly toppled out of his chair. Uther's message lit up the screen on his phone and sent the device vibrating again. Arthur's father refused to meet his eyes across the table, and Morgana remained completely oblivious as she continued to recount her tale of the not-at-all-suspicious old woman she'd met in the village that day with Gwen.

Father? Are you okay? Arthur texted discreetly.


merlin, what's wrong with him?

The warlock watched the conversation unfold from across the castle, hiding in his room for the umpteenth time that day so Gaius couldn't take away his obsessive phone privileges. He seems to hav a particular partiality towards emoticons.

You broke him, you useless clotpole.

o, so auto correct is okay with that, but not Morgana?!

Don't you mean Morbid?


Uther chose that moment to rejoin the conversation.


Father? Arthur demanded worriedly.


Grinning broadly, Merlin countered: :)


That's as scary as hell. Arthur banged his forehead against the table in front of him, completely ignoring Morgana's surprised gasp as he did. Uther chose that opportune moment to excuse himself from the room, leaving Arthur with a woman that was totally not related to him in any way - which might, heaven forbid, constitute a relevant plot point - and a massive migraine.

Arthur, I swear it wasn't my fault.

Despite it being six in the morning, Arthur was already awake enough to begin anticipating the worst, as his phone buzzed with a text from Merlin. Oh god.

Uther just somehow got the wrong potion from Gaius' stores, and now he's...well...I can't really try to explain without...

Arthur frowned.Without what?

...risking killing myself with laughter

Growing annoyed, the prince quipped, try, or else you'll be risking getting killed by being impaled upon my sword. Now what's happened?

Across the castle, Merlin's fingers ticked nervously over the keys as he thought of the best way to put this. well, for one thing, he's green.

Arthur, as one could imagine, was too stunned to bother with correct grammar. id like to think you're joking

Merlin groped for words, but came up with nothing: ...

...but you're serious, aren't you

'fraid so.

damn it, merlin, can't you do anything right!

hold that thought...

Merlin found himself striding furiously through the castle as he sent text after text to the one person he knew to have ever been drunk enough to do this. Gwaine, you sick, twisted bastard.

Hello 2 u 2, merlin

you switched that potion. In Camelot, formalities were highly overrated.

id like to say I have no idea what you're talking about, but that would be a lie 2 big for even me.

Merlin sighed, fingers typing furiously to generate a reply: just see if you can find an antidote. Or run.

Gwaine tipped back lazily in his chair at the tavern in town. im in no danger from arthur, merlin. Im a knight. Surely, he's not that mad.

Merlin let out an amused snort. he's using improper grammar.

where do I hide.

just go see if there's an antidote. Ask gaius if you need to, Merlin responded with a sharp laugh.

I'm on it. Don't tell him it was me until I can fix it. Or, better yet, don't tell him it was me at all. Gwaine bolted to his feet, ignoring the angry yell of the serving boy behind him, who was demanding payment for the ridiculous amount of alcohol Gwaine had bought throughout the course of the day. "Just...uh...charge it to one Arthur Pendragon!" Gwaine hollered over his shoulder, scrambling out the door before anyone else had the chance to try and stop him.

Merlin tapped his phone against the heel of his palm and raised one eyebrow at the message. Depends on how fast you are.

Gwaine replied using one hand, still sprinting towards the castle. merlin, you're a great friend.


im gone!


I'm back, I'm back! Where are you?

Arthur paced furiously up and down the hallway in front of Uther's chambers, ignoring the strange looks he received from the guards standing outside. with my father. Did you find your antidote?

I think so...

fine, then. I have training to get to. I'll leave this task to you.

will do, chief.

In all honesty, Merlin had no good way to say what he was trying to say. So he simply started with the ever-unseccessful approach of being vague as humanly possible.

arthur, I swear it wasn't my fault.

Walking inside from the training grounds, Arthur wiped his forehead with the back of his sleeve and typed, merlin, I swear, if you've managed anything conceivably worse than last time, I will personally hire a sorcerer to burn you alive

The colour instantly drained from Merlin's face. you're not using correct grammar. This is...very not good.

Arthur almost resented even asking. merlin...

he's pink.

Excuse me?

Merlin let out a long breath, wondering how many he would have left if he managed to anger Arthur any more. hes pink, he repeated bluntly. Then, as an afterthought, he added, but im going to fix it.

so help me, merlin, the next time I see you, I'm ripping off those overly-large ears of yours and using them to make an antidote. FIX IT, DAMN IT.

yes sire, Merlin texted back :

are you sure you don't want to see this first...


Gwen was folding freshly-dried sheets when Merlin's text caused her phone to vibrate across the table and yelp out a chirpy little ringtone. She jumped roughly three feet into the air, clutching at her heart, and bit down on her tongue to keep from screaming loudly enough to wake up half of the kingdom. Hitting the button to open the message, she read aloud, "you won't believe this..."

Gwen chewed her lower lip in thought, then typed out, try me.

uther is pink.


and I may or may not have the whole thing on video.

Uther, once again, picked that exact moment to jump into the conversation, as if someone were guiding his actions to a strangely ironic level.


Merlin frowned at the message distastefully, before responding, I swear, it's like a sense. "merlin's up to something. I must interfere."


That's creepier than any monster I've had to face.

Gwen butted in quickly before the smiley-face war could spin out of hand. It certainly had nothing to do with her secret desire to gloat about the king's new look. send me those videos.

no, wait. I'll send you the full collection later, after the knights are done turning him different colors. The pink was Gwaine's idea, but percival is really set on seeing him lilac...

Gwen sighed, then typed, very well. but I expect those videos, merlin.

Morgana: Gwen?

Gwen: yes, my lady

Morgana: Can you kelt me whit you know about auto bereft...?

Gwen: my...my lady?

Morgana: I thine Arthritis did thirtyfold to my photo.

Gwen: morgana? are you quite all right?

Morgana: Whelp! Hoe do I turban it offerings?

Gwen: I'm going to get merlin.

Gwen: you won't believe it...

Merlin: try me

Gwen: I don't really know how 2 explain.

Merlin: explain what?

Gwen: hoe do I turban it offerings. Morgana.

Merlin: on it.

Gwaine: sooooo...Morgana...

Morgana: Exculpate me?

Gwaine: ...

Morgana: *exculpate

Morgana: *EXCUSE

Gwaine: o.O

Morgana: Now is nothosaur a goodnight time to be tapping.

Gwaine: sry...what?

Morgana: Arthropod turtled on my auto corrida.

Gwaine: give me a minute

Morgana: Whales? Why?

Gwaine: im laughing 2 hard 2 breathe

Morgana: I'm dumb talking to you mattress

Morgana: *racist

Morgana: *ABOUT THIS

Morgana: Gwaine...?

Gwaine: can't...laughing...!

Morgana: I herpes you


Morgana: FUDGE!

Gaius: I am enjoying this device very much, Merlin.

Merlin: fabulous. Do you know where you keep the antidote to that potion Gwaine took earlier?

Gaius: Antidote? That potion doesn't have an antidote, Merlin! What fool would drink that without one?

Merlin: certainly not Uther. Bc that would be crazy

Gaius: Merlin. I want you to listen to me very carefully.

Merlin: yes, Gaius...?

Gaius: Drop everything you own and run like hell.

Merlin: excuse me?!

Gaius: Here's a better idea. Hide from the prince before he murders you alive!

Merlin: I hear footsteps outside the door.

Merlin: Gaius.

Merlin: I hear footsteps outside the door.

Gaius: Fly, you fool!


Arthur: :)

End of chapter one! Hope you enjoyed. I'm kinda stressed with school right now, so the humor's not really coming as easily as it would otherwise. I hope I made you laugh at least once though! If I did, please comment! So far, Morgana's auto correct is acting up, Gwaine and the other knights are having fun turning Uther different colors, and Merlin needs to distract Arthur, quick! More soon; I hope to bring in more characters. If there's someone you didn't see in this chapter that you wanted to, let me know and I'll see if I can add them. ;)