MAH LOVELIES! How have you been holding up?! I know I promised I'd update sooner, and it's not because I didn't get enough reviews or anything stupid like that. As a matter of fact, I've got over 20 to answer… I got really sidetracked, haha. I was off today, and I was going to update for you earlier today, but I slept ALL DAY. And I do mean all day. I woke up a little after 8pm. That's how tired I was! And then my bestie invited me to go get drunk, so we did that…and here I am. I'm still a little tipsy…(Limeritas do that to you) but I promised an update, so by golly, Imma update! I'll do my best not to make mistakes though. My night was really fun! Have any of you ever played Apples to Apples while drinking? It was the funniest thing I've been part of for a long time. We played with two guys, and we were the only ones drinking, so they spent most of the night laughing at us. And I found out my friend is very affectionate while drunk, so by her third drink, she was making plans for us to move to Canada and get married. My response? I told her we couldn't get married in Canada, because no one would be able to see us when we came back to America. Ah, Hetalia references. Man…I'm babbling. I'm sorry! All I wanna do is eat tons of chocolate and watch cartoons, but I'm going to do this! So, onto your love! pronoucedyou, if you're lost, I'm doing my job! It's supposed to do that. It's told by a crazy person! And no, even reading the manga won't help, because Hetalia is exactly like the manga. They're just little shorts, and they're not really made to be anything but stereotypically funny. Misterbigeye, sorry! I think you know which is real! Logic Dive, I did know it was you on tumblr! Your guess was very accurate this time! Go you! Sit back and watch everything unfold, and eat this cookie! SparklySnickers, okay, for real, put your internet device down, and go get a Snickers bar. DO IT NOW, OR YOU HAVEN'T LIVED! Yes, Izzy is crazy! Quiet. Crash, nothing is too evil for me! I'm mega evil. Like Dr. Evil. Shiroi Hana, everything I do is okay! You keep coming back! STALK MY TUMBLR! I welcome stalkers! MissVampyre, it will be worth it! Working hard now just means you won't have to later. tammylia, it's okay to be crazy! Who's sane anyway? Kira-Lime Orijima, THANK YOU! I tried! EchizenKiki, confusion actually helps add to the depression. You'll be strong! GlowGlowBat, yes, yes, get a tumblr! And get into Hetalia! I'll be your bad influence. PEER PRESSURE! BLAHHH! divorcedpuppy, manly tears? YES! Those are the best! Miss Elizabeth, oh, good! I meant for that last sentence to do a tap dance of sorts on your hearts. Did it work?! grrlsvomitcandy, oh, wow, okay. I'm not sure where to start with these! First of all, don't be scared of death! Think of it like I do, it's inevitable, so don't fear it. Just live life to the fullest, as if every day is the last! And thank you for saying my writing is beautiful! It's a stress outlet, and I'm glad it can help brighten your days! And lastly, don't detective too much on me! I want you to be a little surprised! Be happy, love! I do take requests! And the world is disgusting, but it's also very beautiful. You just gotta look around sometimes, you know? The Deviant Protagonist, don't be killed by the angst! Nooouuuu! darkestlight96, plot twists are my favorite. I like twisting! Like…pretzels. Shadow Pain, glad you think so! Rai Rai Blue, I did convert her to Adventure Time! The first thing she asked was if LSP was a transvestite. I'm so proud of you for giving your number! You get that man! IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS IN THIS CASE! Keep reading, you! The Swag-ler, oh, wow, I actually love that movie! I never thought of the similarities before now! XD I've never seen the guardians movie… I'll fabricate something else for you, if you'd like! I love you too! Surprisebuttsecks, YAY, I'm so happy you'll read my other stories! People always call me cute. :C I've learned to accept it, because I DO have a young face. I'm twenty, but I look at least sixteen. Oh. My. Glob. I'm your idol?! *attacks!* I'm gonna RUIN YOUUUU! Man, this took me forever to type… Don't forget to read the announcement at the end too! I'll know if you don't! Let's move on to the final chapter of 'Insanely Yours'. On with it then!
Over and Over
There's a knock at my door. It's the third set of knocks this hour. Each set has three distinct knocks, each at three second intervals, each more hard than the last. It's my mother, her voice coming from behind the door, the only barrier between me and the one knocking. She asks if I'm okay. I don't answer her. I hear her footsteps walk away from my door.
I'm alone in my room. I have been for a few days now. No, wait. How long have I really been alone? How long has Shizu-chan been dead? I can't remember. I don't even know how he died. Everything just added up to the point where I can't stand thinking about it anymore. Every time I try to remember how he died, it hurts so bad I can't think anymore. I've been in this room for days now. Wait, I already said that, didn't I? Sorry, I just… I'm losing it.
But I've already lost it. I'm already crazy. How the fuck could I have forgotten I'm crazy?
More knocks, three sets, three second intervals. Mom's voice again. She must be worried. I can't tell her not to be. Fuck, I'm worried too. This time, she peeks her head inside, and slowly creaks the door open. I hear her footsteps crossing the floor, slowly making her way towards me. I imagine the ripples I saw before, and wonder what color they would turn if they were here.
"Izaya? Sweetie? Are you okay?" she asks, smoothing my covers. I don't respond. I don't want to talk. She sighs quietly, and begins petting my hair. "I called your doctor. He wants to see you."
"Why? So he can give me more pills and claim they're for something else? How long were you going to let me believe those pills were for my memory?" I ask scathingly, looking up at her from my pillow. Her face is white. "What were they for, really? To stop me from hallucinating?"
"Have you all just been laughing at me this whole time? Letting me think everything was fine, and Shizu-chan was…" As soon as I say his name, the tears return. Unbearable sadness I can't even describe to you. It's like someone ripped the sun from the sky, and I'm surrounded by pitch black. I can't stand it. She's not saying anything, and it's worrying me more and more.
"How long have you remembered?" she asks.
"I guess about as long as I've been shut in here," I hiss, hiding my face in the pillow again. "Shizu-chan's dead… He's dead and I don't even know how he died! I'll never see him again!"
"Do you remember anything else?"
"Can it possibly get worse?"
Her eyes are so sad, I can't even continue to glare at her. She gives a shaky sigh, and leans down to hug me. As soon as she does, all I can do is cry harder. Her sympathy reminds me of what I lost.
"Oh, my sweet baby boy," she whispers. "He loved you. He loved you so much. There was never a single doubt in my mind…of his love for you… That boy would have done anything for you…"
Past tense. Using Shizu-chan in past tense. It hurts.
"Even when you got sick, he… He always…" she cuts herself off, and bites her lip as if she's telling me things she shouldn't. Her pained eyes are fixed on mine, and once again, I feel as though I'm a child being shielded from a very bad secret. "Did…you want to come eat breakfast?"
She nods, and makes to get off my bed. I reach up quickly, and tug her wrist.
"Mother…how…bad did I get?"
"Don't worry about that, Izaya. Just concentrate on getting better."
And with that, she leaves the room. There it is again! This FUCKING FEELING. Why is it so hard to answer a simple question?! What more could there possibly be? I've come this far, I might as well know everything! I want to remember, I need to remember! I can't move forward if I don't know the pieces!
In a rage, I kick blindly at my headboard, cracking it slightly. The noise reverberating calms me down a little, but I can't stop the fresh wave of tears. Cursing myself, I fall backwards into the sheets, my feet resting on the wall above the newly cracked headboard. And then, I hear the voice.
"Isn't this a little childish, Flea?"
And then, just like that, I'm alone again.
Dr. Shinra Kishitani isn't a mean man. If anything, he reminds me of a nerd who just loved modern medicine too much to even think of anything else. How he fell into psychiatry is beyond me, but as far as they go, he's a good psychiatrist. My guess has always been that he has so many problems of his own, he can relate. With that said, I still hate coming here. His eyes scan me with that damn look, the same look I get from everyone else. And I know behind that gaze, behind that smiling face, there lurks a man who wants to lock me up. I've known that since the beginning, even before I knew I was sick. They told me I was seeing a shrink so the memories coming back wouldn't overwhelm me. The truth was, they didn't want me to remember. Everyone has been lying to me.
Right now, he's clicking his pen against the clipboard, and his spectacled gaze is alternating between reading my chart, and looking back up at me. He smiles pleasantly at my neutral expression.
"You look like you've been through a grinder," he tell me, leaning forward slightly against his desk. "Tell me what's troubling you."
I simply stare at him, practically daring him to get me to respond.
"Your mother tells me you're starting to remember."
"If you already knew the answer, why did you ask the question?" I snap. His smile never falters.
"Because, Izaya, it's my job to ask you. I need to hear your side of it. That's how this works."
"No, how it works is you prescribing me things and telling me they're for my eyes, or my brain, or for sleep. How many prescriptions do I have with false pretenses? Tell me, Doctor, how many of them are for Schizophrenia?"
"I'm not obliged to tell you such a thing, otherwise you'd stop taking it like before."
"How about I stop taking them all?"
Sighing, he sets his clipboard on the table, and eyes me skeptically.
"Izaya, you might not remember how severe your case is, but can't you at least listen to reason? You know you're unwell, and yet you're still trying to decline treatment. Why do you think that is?"
"Because you've been lying to me! Everyone, this whole damn time, you've all been lying to me! Why should I trust you?!"
"You're trying to lock me up! I know it! You're all- I'm…"
"This is paranoia, Izaya, and it's nothing more. It's a symptom. Have you been taking your meds?"
"What exactly did you remember? Just that you're sick?" he asks.
"You already know so damn much, you tell me. What else did my mom tell you? I'm sure your little meetings about me were simply enlightening."
"She did tell me you remembered what happened to Heiwajima Shizuo."
At this, I lean toward him, unable to stop myself.
"No, I… I know he's dead, but… How did he…?"
"I'm not obliged to say."
Again, I'm filled with rage, just at the thought of him knowing something I don't. He knows, Mother knows, Kanra knows, everyone knows… And Shizu-chan…
"Tell me, why do you think you were still seeing him for so long? I'd love to know the interaction you had. Were you friends? Lovers? Did you see him as a person? Could you touch him?"
"I'm not your stupid fucking guinea pig. I'm not telling you such things. You'll just write a book or something, and use me as a test subject."
"Not a test subject, but a tool for better understanding of-"
"I'm not a tool either!"
He writes something down on his little chart, and then looks back up at me with that fake smile plastered to his lips again.
"Why not tell me about something else? How have you been sleeping?" he asks.
"I need to know what happened to Shizu-chan."
"You don't need to know, nor am I going to tell you."
"Then we have no business here!" I snarl, standing up to leave. He stands with me.
"We have plenty of business. Should I tell your mother to come in and sit? Would that make you feel better?"
"I'M NOT A CHILD!" I explode, throwing my chair toward him. He dodges, but his eyes are wide as he picks up the phone on his desk and pushes a button. Still enraged, I make my way for the door, just knowing if I'm caught, I'll never be free again. I jerk the door open, and my mother is there, white-faced and panic-stricken. She hugs me tightly.
"Izaya, sweetie, you need to calm down, please…" she pleads. I fight to get free as she keeps whispering to me. As I pull away from her, I notice the red on her face. The blood has returned, but this time… It's everywhere. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God…
"No!" I scream, finally shoving her away. "I'm not crazy! I'm not! It's you- It's you guys! You're making me this way so you can get rid of me!" Shinra is covered in blood too, and is slowly reaching into his pocket for a needle.
"Izaya, what would you say if you knew you were about to die?"
I freeze at Shizu-chan's gruff voice.
"Mmm, I don't like such questions," I hear myself answer. "You go first, ne?"
"Mine would be…"
And then it's silent again.
"Keep going!" I plead, turning to flee towards the door. "I need to know! Shizu-chan, help me remember!"
Everyone is covered in the blood at this point, and it's too hard to look at them. I run faster and faster, and refuse to look up at anyone. All I can do is keep going, keep running, keep trying to be free. Because I know when they catch me, it's over.
It's too late for me. I'm crazy.
Dashing faster, I recognize the sound of pavement under my shoes. I've made it outside, but still, my feet carry me.
"I swear, it's not like that! Listen to me, dammit!"
"You're LYING! You and everyone else! Is it so damn funny now?!"
Is this a memory? Why am I arguing with him…?
Suddenly, I can see us. As if I'm watching a movie. I'm staring at myself and Shizu-chan. I'm holding a gun.
"I-Izaya…" he says weakly, backing up into the wall. "Please… It doesn't…you don't…"
"But I do," I answer with a grim smile. "This is how it ends, baby. You and me."
Shizu-chan looks straight at the past me, eyes wide with fear, but unwavering.
"Izaya…" The gun cocks. "I love you." And then the gun goes off, hitting Shizu-chan in the chest. The blood spurts from his back, and he falls to the floor, lifeless. I follow his lead, and fall to the floor too. The past me begins to laugh hysterically, which soon morphs to sobs. He places the gun to his head.
"I love you, too."
And then as I'm brought back to reality, I hear a car horn, and look up just in time to see it come straight at me. There's a squeak of brakes, but it's too late for it to stop. I hear the gunshot in my mind as I close my eyes, waiting for the impact. Shizu-chan's face is the last thing I see.
Everything is throbbing, except for my legs. I can't tell what's worse, the pain, or knowing I'll probably never walk again. I can hear the machines alerting me of my steady heartbeat. When I open my eyes, I see I'm in a hospital room. I can't move.
My eyes dart around as I try to make sense of this. My heartbeat speeds up on the monitor as a sharp knife of pain shoots through my arms. I'm able to look down enough to see I'm wrapped in bandages from head to toe. The worst part is, I'm in here all alone.
Gasping, I look to the side of my bed. Shizu-chan is there. I open my mouth to talk to him, but I can't. No sound comes out. He looks at me sadly, and reaches out to stroke my face through the bandages.
"Shhh," he says, brushing my tears away, "it's alright. Everything is alright."
I try to shake my head at him, but can't. I mouth the words I killed you to him. He gives me a grim smile.
"No, baby. You weren't yourself. You were very ill."
I can't help but cry harder, and if I could move, I'd punch him, I swear. I mouth the words it's not okay, because it's not. I remember now. I killed him. I shot him, and then myself, but in a cruel twist of events, only he died. The bullet went in my brain at just the right angle to make me forget, but not kill me. So now I'm forced to live with this guilt, this knowledge that I killed him. I killed the love of my life.
"Stop looking at me like that. I told you, none of that matters. Izaya, I'm here with you. I'm not leaving."
You left before, I mouth. He shakes his head.
"I never left you, never. I knew…you weren't going to move on as long as I stayed with you, but I was still there. You just couldn't feel me. I could never…"
And Dota-chin's words come back from so long ago, "Trust me, Izaya. I don't think anything could stop Shizuo from sticking around for you."
They all knew. Of course they knew. They humored me when I talked as if Shizu-chan was still alive, for fear of pushing me over the edge. I was given pills to help sedate me, in hopes that I wouldn't remember how crazy I was. This is why I had constant appointments with Shinra. What were they going to do when I remembered? Lock me up forever?
Are my only options really between being locked up, or so sedated it's like I'm dead? Shizu-chan leans down to hold me as my heart monitor speeds up again.
"I'm here for you," he says quietly. "I love you so much, Flea. I'm sorry I couldn't…help you. I tried."
All I can do is sniffle at him, and silently tell him I'm the sorry one. If only I had done what I was supposed to, and taken my medication, maybe things wouldn't have turned out like this. I didn't only ruin my life, I ruined his too. I really am horrible.
The pain returns, shooting through my entire body. I cringe, silently crying harder before the numbness starts to consume me. It spreads from my legs, and creeps along my body like a blanket. The monitor starts to slow down.
"Shizu…chan…" I gasp, my voice coming out as a strangled sob. He jolts up to look at me, and begins kissing my face, telling me he won't leave.
"What would you say if you knew you were about to die?"
Because I do, and because I'm sorry. I'm not worthy to have him, and I realize that. I've known that for a long time. The tingling feeling is almost all over me now, and I close my eyes as the tears finally stop. Because I know it's almost over.
Shizu-chan crawls beside me and holds me tightly as I feel lighter and lighter. It's almost as if I'm rising from my body, leaving behind everything plaguing me. For the first time in a long time, I'm not insane, I'm not in pain. I'm just Izaya Orihara. The Izaya I used to be. And that's what I've been striving for this whole time, after all.
I can keep being Izaya… I can keep…Shizu-chan with me... I can...
Sachi: Whoo! It's the end, playas!
Sachi: Ah, right. I know there's still a shit ton of questions you have. I know that, I'm not stupid! So, here is the announcement I told you to look for: THERE WILL BE ANOTHER PART TO THIS STORY. Yes, it's the beginning part, the BEFORE story, to tell you how we got to this point. It's going to be a sister story, and it will be called 'Insanely Mine', but it will be a little different, as it's going to be in third person POV. The reason I can't answer everything in this story is because Izaya is crazy, you guys. He's not going to sit there and think about everything rationally. We've had to deal with him skipping around and seeing things, so yeah, he's not the nest narrator. But at the same time, he had to tell the story in order for you to feel what he felt! SO, there will be more! Just bear with me, haha, I'll answer your crazy questions all in due time.
Izaya: So we get to see the before story? Ah, that's good. I was concerned you made all these plot holes on accident.
Sachi: No! I have a plan. I'm a mad writer, but I always have plans!
Shizuo: *smokes cigarette*
Sachi: Review for love! And keep a lookout for 'Insanely Mine', as it will be posted soon. It'll probably be about the same length as this story, and trust me, you'll definitely want to read it. Till next time, my lovelies!