Everyone's gathered around, how couldn't they be? They all loved him. I loved him. There's chairs set in rows and blocks and it all looks so organized that I almost forget the chaos raging within my mind. Almost. But then I snap back to reality. Even though I wish it weren't reality, I wish so terribly that I could write this off as being hell or a nightmare. I grin because a nightmare would be so fucking amazing right now. If I were dreaming that would mean none of this was happening and I was really back in bed with him beside me. I'd wake up and he'd be there, just like always. That bright orange hair would be glinting in the sunlight and then I'd know everything is fine. I scowl at this thought because I remember nothing is fine and I'm not dreaming and he's not here. He's never coming back but I can't think about that right now or I'll lose it in front of all these people.
The worst part is half of me doesn't even give a shit. I'm not used to holding anger in like this, even though it's not just anger. It's hurt and betrayal and this fucking overwhelming agony that I can't seem to shake off. Has it really only been 5 days? Why does it feel like I was holding him just yesterday and yet at the same time it's been years since I touched him. Years since I was able to see those amber eyes staring back at me. I hate myself for falling in love with him but then I laugh because I couldn't have fucking helped it even if I tried. You know that cliche line 'You had me at hello'? This asshole had me at 'fuck you' and right then and there I knew there would never be any going back. But damn do I wish I could go back now.
Some asshole stands up at this little podiem and I dont want to think about what he's about to say. I don't want to hear who's name is going to come out of his mouth because nobody besides me has the right to say it. He was mine. Nobody elses.
"Welcome, friends...family..." He begins. His voice is solemn and fuck I just want to punch his lights out. "We're all gathered here today because someone who was very dear is no longer with us" I clench my jaw. Stop talking. My mind repeats over and over. I wish so much that he would just stop talking even though he only just began. I wasn't even half way through this but like that really mattered. I should hold onto this because I know it's the last part of my life that will be directly involved with him.
"Ichigo Kurosaki was 23 years old when he died..." I feel bile rise in my stomach. What did I just say? You can't say his name he's mine. He's mine. He was...mine.. I feel my eyes sting but before they can betray all the shit inside of me I grind my teeth harder. It doesn't help. The guy at the front keeps talking and somewhere inside of me I realize he's probably a priest of some sort. They're the guys who usually run these things aren't they? I wouldn't know because this is my first time going to a funeral. I stare down at the black slacks I'm wearing and I hate the way they feel against my skin. I hate how formal I look. I hate everything about this place and this day. Though something inside of me stops myself from hating the pale blue tie I have around my neck. Ichigo picked this out for me, so I can't hate it even though I wanted to kill him for making me wear it to his Dad's surprise party a couple years back.
"Fuck off, asshole it looks good on you!" Ichigo smiled at the blue-haired male standing in front of him. Chocolate colored eyes almost sparkling at they tied a powder blue knot into the silk fabric.
"Tch. I hate wearing shit like this- fuck don't tie it so tight!" The other grumbled, his hands coming up to pull at Ichigo's.
"Stop being such a baby." He chided, though his smile remained in place. "There. Done."
Grimmjow turned around to look at the piece of clothing in the mirror, suppressing a smile because he actually agreed, it did look nice. The blue complimented his black button-up shirt well, along with his dark denim jeans and leather boots Grimmjow admitted the tie wasn't so bad. Ichigo chuckled, knowing his boyfriend was silently admitting defeat.
"Told'ya." The orangette smirked.
"Fuck off." Came the other's grumbled reply.
Grimmjow turned around to see Ichigo standing there in a dark grey button up shirt, the sleeves pushed up to his elbows just as Grimmjow's were. The male's light washed jeans clung to his toned legs and his white belt was a nicely added effect. Ichigo always took Grimmjow's breath away.
"What're you starin' at?" A single brow was raised in question as amber hues locked with cyan. Grimmjow took a step closer before answering, threading his hands around the other's hips to pull him close.
"One sexy motherfucker." He smirked, leaning in to kiss Ichigo's bottom lip. Grimmjow sucked it into his mouth, lightly biting the flesh before his tongue snaked out to twine with his lover's. The sound of Ichigo moaning into the kiss had fire rocketing directly to Grimmjow's groin, he groaned in response.
"Grimm?" Ichigo broke contact briefly to stare up at the other who was a few inches taller.
"Mmm?" The bluenette pressed their lips together once more before pulling back to look at Ichigo.
"I love you." He stated simply. Grimmjow cracked a smirk and chuckled.
"Sappy bastard.." He chewed the inside of his lip, hating the phrase and yet loving the expression it put on his strawberry's face. "Love ya too, Ichi."
Ichigo's dad is standing up at the wooden stand now. He's been talking for a while but I haven't been listening, I've been too busy running my fingers over the blue silk hanging down. A part of me wants to stop touching it because pretty soon every inch that Ichigo last touched would be covered up by me. I want his touch to be the last one there so I let it drop from my grasp and remember how his fingers felt when they were tying it.
"Leukemia is..." Isshin trails off as if he doesn't know what to say even though there's notecards sitting in front of him. I don't blame him because I wouldn't know what to say either. Who would? When your only son dies I don't think notecards can ever really cover it. He tries though, and clears his throat to finish his sentence.
"Leukemia is what took my son from me. It's a horribly fast moving disease and the worst part is no one even saw it coming. It seemed like one day he was there and then the next..." He trails off again and this time I don't think he's going to continue because his eyes well up with tears and suddenly he's sobbing uncontrollably. No one says anything because they think they understand. That's one thing that makes me hate them more. They don't understand. How could they? I want to glare at them and tell them to stop crying. Shut up and stop crying. None of them deserve to cry over Ichigo because they weren't with him when he first got sick. None of them were there to see him fall down because he was too weak to stand. Nobody here lost the love of their life to a fucking illness.
I clench my jaw again. It's getting harder and harder to keep it all inside but I can't do anything. I can't scream. I can't cry. I've tried and nothing happens. I've had five days to cry and for some reason I can't. Maybe that's just because I've never done it before. Maybe I'm not trying the right way. But I have to be doing something right because nothing's ever hurt like this before. Nothing's ever felt like my chest was about to explode or that my heart already had. In five days I've been too afraid to put my fingers to my neck because part of me is positive that I'm not even alive. Part of me feels that I died along with him that day and this is all just some personal hell that I'm forced to endure because I was a fucking jackass my entire life. Maybe I'm doomed to live a fake life in which I can't cry over the only person that deserves at least that from me. What kind of boyfriend doesn't cry at his lover's funeral?
Ichigo's dad steps down and there's this orange-haired bitch standing there now. Her eyes are swollen and it's obvious she's been crying. All of my tears must have gone to her, I think. Because it sure as fuck looks like she's been utilizing the term 'cry me a river'.
"I've known Kurosaki-kun since I was little.." She begins and I immediately tune her out. I know what she's going to say. It's the same thing they'll all say. Everyone wants to talk about how long they knew Ichigo or the good memories they had with him. I'm overjoyed that no one asked me to speak today because there's no way in hell I could chalk Ichigo's existence in my life up to a four minute speech. No way I could throw in a few jokes like I'm coping with this well. I don't have an aversion to lying but I'm already sick to my stomach enough and I don't need to add to that. Besides, I'm only here because Ichigo's dad asked me to come. No one else accepted how he was. And more importantly no one thought he should have been hanging around with the likes of me. I was just a badass punk who did drugs and got kicked out of highschool for fighting. Ichigo was the guy who got accepted to a nice university and just happened to have a bad attitude. They didn't think I was good enough for him and I couldn't have agreed more.
"I can do it!" Ichigo snapped, swatting away Grimmjow's hand as he made his way to the banister at the top of the staircase. Sapphire hues watched his frail body carefully as he took each step. His clothes hung on his form awkwardly. They were too big now but Ichigo made jokes about how there was no point in buying new ones anyways. Grimmjow hated that excuse for a joke.
He stays silent because if he were in that situation he'd be damned someone mess with his pride. And if Ichigo said he could do it Grimmjow wanted to believe him with his entire being. A week ago he could have walked down the stairs on his own. First step, his legs are shaky as a thin arm reaches out to grip the railing. His skin is sallow looking and pale but Grimmjow doesn't say anything because to him it doesn't matter. Ichigo could have grown a second head throughout the course of his sickness and Grimmjow would still think he was beautiful. The second step isn't as sure as the first and Ichigo begins to pant as if just holding himself upright is physically exerting. Grimmjow clenches his jaw because he knows what will happen when the other tries to take a third step. And he does.
Just as Ichigo looses his footing Grimmjow is there to catch him, a smile on his lips though his eyes are impossibly pained. It's torturous to watch the person you love deteriorate before your very eyes. "Gotcha~" He chimes. His voice is husky and low just how Ichigo likes. It's hard to keep it like that, so he makes sure to have shorter responses. Ichigo blushes slightly and scowls, but it is obvious he's thankful that Grimmjow plays it off like nothing. They both want to pretend this isn't happening but Ichigo is better about facing the facts.
"Always gonna catch me?" Ichigo asks, and even though his tone is light Grimmjow can see in his eyes that he is afraid. The bluenette wants to lash out in anger for Ichigo ever thinking to ask that question, but he doesn't because for some reason it's impossible to get mad at him anymore.
My eyes stay fixed on the podium. I don't let myself look off to the side. I can't because I know what's sitting over there and I can't think about that right now. I can't think about anything right now because fuck I wish this wasn't happening. This can't be happening. But it is and that fact alone makes me angry because I still haven't cried. After a while I realize people have stopped talking and I guess they've been done for some time now because people are forming a line to look inside the white casket that's propped up with flowers all around it. They're looking at him for maybe five seconds. Some cry some don't. And then they move on. Like he's some fucking circus attraction that anyone can look at whenever they please. Fuck I hate them all so much. Stop it. Don't look at him. Get away from him, he's mine. He's mine.
I looked away and hope that they'll leave soon. I wan't to see him but I can't when people are around because there's just something about the way he looks at me and it's not right if other people see- I stop dead in my tracks because I realize what I had just been thinking and suddenly I'm laughing because Ichigo isn't going to look at me any way. He can't look at me anymore because he's dead. Somehow a part of me forgot that. Has it really only been five days since he's looked at me? Only five days since those chocolate eyes were on me? I remember the first time I made fun of his name and called him a 'strawberry' he got so angry and when he glared at me I couldn't help but think to myself he's more of a chocolate strawberry with those eyes. I always had a thing for his eyes.
"Are you askin' me out on a date, Strawberry?" Grimmjow's smirk widens as he rests his chin in the palm of his hand, azure hues glinting as they stared at the flustered male before him.
"Not if you're gonna be an asshole about it." He bites out, but a faint blush is visible. Ichigo chewed the inside of his cheek as he waited for a response.
"M' always an' asshole, Kurosaki." Somehow Grimmjow's grin widens. He loved the look of Ichigo blushing.
"Just forget it." When Ichigo went to turn around Grimmjow grabbed him by the wrist, effectively stopping his movements. There was no way in hell he was going to just let the other walk away.
"I didn't say no, did I?" He asked with a not so subtle hint of sarcasm in his voice. Ichigo reluctantly turned to face him.
"You didn't say yes either, Jackass." His tone was less than amused. Grimmjow laughed.
"As long as ya get me back by curfew." Grimmjow taunted and Ichigo punched him in the arm with a slight smile.
My hands are twitching at my sides because no one is standing in front of Ichigo anymore and I know that I can't put this off any longer. I have to see him even though a part of me wants to turn around and never have any memories of him where I can't make him look at me. I don't want to see him when I can't see his eyes but then I remember that I wouldn't want to see his eyes as they were now and that this is the last chance I'm going to get to say goodbye. Suddenly my heart is racing and there's not enough time. How do you say goodbye to someone when they're already gone? I know it's ridiculous and yet still my mind is racing as I try to think of what to say to him. I hope that I'll be able to say something.
My feet are moving before I realize it and idly my mind registers that I'm playing with the tie again. I don't mind this time because the knowledge of touching anything Ichigo last touch comforts me some and I'm not so nervous anymore but my stomach is still doing somersaults as it tries to comprehend what the fuck is happening. I almost smile because I don't even know what's happening. All I know is I'm walking up to see something I'm not prepared for because who is ever prepared to look at the person they cared most about and know that they're dead?
His face is just as I imagined it. It's still perfect even though his eyes are sunken in and closed. Even though his skin is too pale and it's got a yellowish tint. I come closer and soon I'm leaning over the edge of it staring down at his orange hair that's still just as bright as it always was, I sigh because it hasn't changed. Everything else can change but not that. I'm grateful that something in my life doesn't warp and shift. That I'll be able to remember one thing the same, even if it is only his hair. Reaching down I know I shouldn't touch him but I can't help it because he's laying there in front of me and I've never been able to resist him. His skin is cold and hard but for some reason I don't yank my hand away from his. I grip onto him and a part of me hopes that maybe I'll warm him up and then he'll look up at me and this will all have been a joke. And I didn't have to lose the only person I had. But just like before I remind myself this isn't a joke, this isn't a dream. This is happening and this is the rest of my life now. Without him. Why aren't the tears coming yet?
"Hey, Ichi.." I say but I don't realize that's me saying it because it doesn't sound like my voice. Something's wrong with it and it's too quiet and too soft and I think 'that can't really be me, can it?' Quickly I turn around to look but no one else is there except for the priest and he wouldn't dare come near me right now. No one can come near me.
There's nothing else I can say so I just lean my weight onto the side of the casket and let my head fall forward onto his chest. It's cold just like the rest of him but I pretend it's slowly rising and falling just like it used to. I pretend that we're back in our room and I'm listening to his heart beat and counting how long it takes to go back down to normal after sex. His heart always raced for the longest time after.
I feel someone touch my shoulder and soon my whole body goes rigid, I don't know how long I've been standing here but I know it isn't long enough and I haven't said anything I was supposed to say to him and Ichigo still doesn't know how much I'm going to miss him because I haven't gotten to tell him yet.
"Grimmjow, we need to lower the casket." A man says to me. I don't know who he is but when I finally turn around I see it's that priest guy. He wants to take Ichigo from me and put him in the ground and he thinks I'm just going to let that happen when I haven't finished talking to him yet.
I realize I must have just been staring at him with a blank expression because he's shaking me slightly and repeating his sentence again like I didn't fucking hear him the first time. I want to punch him now more than ever.
"No." I manage to bite out. But it's so much more than that. It's so much more than 'no you can't take him'. Because I don't mean it like I haven't realized he has to be buried. I don't even mean it like I need to finish saying something I can't find the words to. I mean that he can't put Ichigo in the ground because what the fuck am I supposed to do without him? How am I supposed to live without him? Why doesn't anyone understand that?
"Grimmjow... Ichigo knew-" And then I snap because there's no way in hell this fucker is going to tell me what Ichigo knew. I shove him away from me as I hear this sound. It's so loud it hurts my ears and it sounds like someone created it for the sole purpose of showcasing what 'pain' sounds like and it takes me a while to realize the sound is coming from me. I'm screaming and there's something streaming down my face but I don't have time to find out what it is because they're trying to take Ichigo away and I can't let them do that.
I turn back to him, half expecting him to be angry with me because he always hated it when I yelled and I want to tell him I'm sorry, I'm sorry Ichigo for yelling but they want to take you away forever. But I don't say that because he's not angry with me and he never will be again. Before I know it I'm holding onto him, clutching at his shoulder as more sounds I'm not familiar with come out of my mouth. I don't know if I'm screaming or dying but it sounds like I could be doing both at the same time. My fingers clutch at the shirt they put him in as my face tries to bury itself in his chest again. I inhale but he doesn't smell the same. He smells too clean and slightly floral. I hiss because this is the last time I can smell him and I can't even do that.
"Grimmjow...calm down." Were they talking to me? My vision goes blurry and someone manages to pry me away from the casket or maybe it was two or three. I don't know and I don't really care because someone else just closed the lid and I can't see Ichigo or his bright orange hair anymore. The clasps lock and something turns on, it sounds like a machine but I'm not sure.
"No no no..."I think to myself. "No wait. This isn't right.." At least I thought I was thinking it to myself but then my mind registers that I'm screaming it. I'm still screaming as the box goes below the surface and workers begin to pile dirt on top of Ichigo and I feel as if my entire world is shattered. Ichigo is gone but he can't be. He just can't be.
The hands drop their hold on me when they notice I've stopped fighting, my entire body slumps to the floor because I can't even hold myself up anymore or think or breathe. Maybe if I stop breathing I'll be able to see Ichigo again. But I can't do that. I can't kill myself because then Ichigo would hate me. Even though a part of me thinks I'd rather have Ichigo hate me than be dead.
"Ichigo..." My voice cracks as I speak, or maybe I'm not even speaking because I don't recognize this voice as my own but then again I don't have anything that's my own anymore. Ichigo was mine. But he's gone now.
"I'm sorry, Ichi..." I sob, I'm crying now and I realize I have been for a while. "I couldn't catch ya this time.."
A/N: Well... I apologize for such angst. But this just sorta came to me and I was in a masochistic mood and decided to torture myself with feels while writing it. Any reviews would be much appreciated as this is a much different writing style than what I'm used to. I've never written first person pov for Grimmjow so I'd like to know what you guys thought. Thanks and gomens for the feels.